Skittles: desire mapping a partner part two

My therapist wants me to list my non-negotiable for what I need in a partner. So in order importance, here we go

1. I like their voice
2. Has a regular hygiene routine and smells nice
3. Person of color
4. Interesting
5. Trustworthy
6. Loyal
7. Smart
8. Believes in science
9. Makes me feel safe
10. Consistent
11. Transparent
12. Is free from human dependants
13. Can make a follow a plan
14. Patient
    
15. Honest
16. Responsible
17. Reasonable
18. Understanding
19. Empathic
20. Considerate
21. Cuddly 
22. Is comfortable to cuddle
23. Down with the movement
24. More than political liberal
25. Respectful of others' boundaries 
26. Fixes instead of fighting
    
27. Works on improving themselves
28. Is at a stable place in there life
29. Has at least one thing that they are passionate about and know a lot about that thing
30. Organized
31. Uses Google services like calendar and stuff
32. Has goals 
33. Has hobbies
34. Nice
35. Trans+
36. I find them sexually attractive
37. Mouth tastes good (not like cigarettes)
38. Likes a variety of music
39. Was or is currently an activist
40. Only has allergy restrictions for their food diet
41. Doesn't mind doing the dishes
42. Open to trying new things

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: This day brings me nothing but joy.

daily struggles

I remember when Amoriartii got remarried and it was finally over, it felt like I was dying. Without my friends I probably would have died. My friends fixed me and put the pieces back together. Losing Eta Carina makes me feel lost and empty. It's a similar aching in my chest but one I think I'm strong enough to survive now. 

Skittles: old post returning defective organs?

What seems to be the problem?

*Points at uterus*

Your uterus? I seems to be working fine.

I assure you it is not. It bleeds at least once a month. Sometimes it's bleeds for no reason at all, just randomly.  It cause me pain for at least a week ever month. It hurts for no reason sometimes. It expands and makes me feel bloated and fat. When I want to use it for sex it doesn't cooperate half the time. Then it will be in sex mood even when I don't want it to be. Basically it's defective and needs to be removed. 

skittles: dreams of 2023

Today's it's impossible to tell where my heart break ends in the depression begins. Honestly I think they're feeding off of each other. Creating a endless feedback loop. I dream of a solace that I know won't come until spring. I sleep, I isolate, I do all the wrong things. It's upsetting because this isn't even the depression where I don't eat. I'm heartbroken so I'm eating. But not heartbroken enough to be shattered. Not sad enough to the point where food has lost all flavor. I am sad enough to be annoying to my friends. Too sad to be around. I've been sad for too long for them to have empathy our patience for me. Sad enough to cry myself to sleep. I think I have cried once everyday for the past week. I honestly don't how I still have enough electrolytes for tears. The dreams I have where I'm still with Eta Carina aren't comforting anymore. I think it is because of accepted that we are no longer together so I know it's a dream when it's happening. I can no longer live in the sweet escape of my subconscious. That hurts. It is a familiar pain in my chest. One from lovers past and probably lovers future. 

It didn't work out but I did love her. I think she belongs with the people I have loved. Which is different than the people I've dated. This showed me how loving and committed I am as a partner.  

I really do go about 2 to 3 years between loves. Amoriartii in 2013, Lovely in 2016. They kept me occupied until 2019 where I cursed both of there names and fell out of love with them as much as possible. I honestly don't know if I still love them. We'll find out but I digress. Then Eta Carina at the end of 2020 so really the beginning of 2021. So 2023 I can look for love again. I get a whole year to be a person again. 

Random Affirmation

 I forgive myself for all the mistakes I have made.

I like to dwell on my mistakes because some how that's earier. But I do learn from them and eventually forgive myself

skittles: desire mapping a partner

My therapist wants me to list 100 things I want in a partner. So in order of how they came up and not in order of importance here we go

Patient

1. Optimistic
2. Loyal
3. Honest
4. Nice
5. Kind
6. Queer
7. Person of color
8. Trans+
9. Six figure salary 
10. I can wear some of their clothes
11. Understanding
12. Empathic
13. Likes to travel
14. I find them attractive
15. Interesting
16. Smart
17. Sweet
18. Hopeless romantic
19. Does grand gestures 
20. Reciprocates
21. Has a pet
22. Has plants
23. Has hobbies
24. Is in shape
25. Transparent
26. Good influence on my emotional growth
27. Foodie
28. Active
29. Calm 
30. Calming
31. Trustworthy
32. Down with the movement
33. More than political liberal
34. Was or is currently an activist
35. Goes to protest
36. Participates in the queer community
37. Likes a variety of music
38. Can introduce me to new music
39. Techy 
40. Nerdy
41. Like games
42. Imaginative
43. Healthy boundaries
44. Good communication skills
45. Fixes instead of fighting
46. Polyamorous
47. Funny
48. Can dance
49. Makes me feel safe 
50. I can always come home to them
51. Fun
52. Self advocates
53. Creative
54. Beautiful eyes
55. Freckles
56. Likes scritches
57. Cuddly
58. Sleep conscious
59. Older than me 
60. Nice butt
61. College degree 
62. Sees a therapist
63. Believes in science
64. Works on improving themselves
65. Likes sweets
66. Can cook
67. Open to trying new things
68. Tidy
69. Organized
70. Is at a stable place in there life
71. Is free from human dependants 
72. Doesn't mind doing the dishes
73. has dish washer 
74. Washes their rice
75. Only has allergy restrictions for there food diet
76. Has a regular hygiene routine and smells nice
77. Can sing not like amazingly but average
78. Likes make up
79. Has goals 
80. Uses Google service like calander and stuff
81. Has at least one thing that they are passionate about and know a lot about that thing
82. Matches my sex drive
83. Responsible
84. Reasonable
85. Can make a follow a plan
86. Consistent
87. Considerate
88. Text back promptly
89. Likes to talk on the phone 
90. Understand that Instagram is not real life
91. Isn't keeping up with the Kardashians but knows pop culture
92. Is comfortable to cuddle
93. Respectful of others boundaries
94. Cool
95. Nice smile
96. I have to like their voice
97. Drinks
98. Mouth tastes good (not like cigarettes)
99. Has work life balance
100. confident but not hubris/arrogant

daily struggles

I care too much about people who don't care about me at all. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I am fulfilled with who I am.

I can't be anyone else. Today I like who I am. I am enough for me and I think that is fulfillment. 

Random affirmation

Today's random positive affirmation is: I replace my anger with understanding and compassion.

Sorry about the weird format I can't fix it right now. Anyway the affirmation. I think it's really easy for me to jump to judge me and must be angry after I interpret someone's actions but if I try to come at them with understanding it makes it harder for me to be angry. I think there's compassion and trying to understand another person's point of view

daily struggles

Hindsight is 20/20 except for when you're wearing rose colored glasses. 

daily struggles

It's for everybody favorite game, Is Altair Okay?

NO! I'm not okay.

I'm freaking out at work and I'm the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm hiding in the bathroom. Having a bad day. 

Skittles: 2021 updates

I am friends with Lovely again. I still love her. It's weird.

I am talking to, platonically, Amoriartii. That is also weird.

I never told y'all what queer org I work for. I'm not going to.

My brother moved to Seattle.

Husband number 7 moved to Germany.

I still love Eta Carina. Probably will for a while.

I start school again in January.

I turned 27 this year. I'm going to Italy next year for my birthday to make up for spending this one in quarantine.

I've been nonbinary for a while now can't remember if I posted about that. 

Skittles: depression 10/23/21

I hate myself all the time. Even when I am telling myself I'm the shit. I hate how I look right now and how I feel in my body. I hate myself partly because I'm sick. I hate myself mostly because I feel like a failure. I have an idea of who I want to be and I just can't seem to give it up or get there. I don't want to be me I want to be this idea of me I have in my head. This me I believe will make me happy though I have no evidence of that. I have heard that it will probably be awful. But I can't give up the idea. I don't know if it's because I told everyone that's what I want to do and I'm sticking with it due to pride. Or if it's because I'm very stubborn.

I'm not doing terribly. But I'm don't think I'm doing great either. I've only lived alone when I was in college. Other than that I live with my parents. Which I find embarrassing. But I can't get myself to move out either. I don't think I can live on my own and I hate other people so I can't have a roommate. I don't have a car. I'm so close to thirty but it feels like I'm twenty two. I don't want to be this way at thirty. But I also don't think I can get it together by then. 

I can feel myself getting bad again and that worries me. I've gained so much weight. I think if I have an episode right now I'll lose the little stability I have in life. That and I'll never lose the weight. I don't know if I can go though another dark phase. I don't think I'm strong enough.

Its not fair that making it this far, fighting this monster of a disease, doesn't count for anything. It's not something one can be traditionally proud of. Like graduating college. Or getting a good job. But everyday I've actively chosen to stay alive. Even when it was hard and I didn't want to. I get no credit for that. That suffering I've been doing does nothing to offset the little progress I've made towards being an adult. Having depression makes me undesirable in so many different facets of life. It makes me an unfit romantic partner. An unwanted employee. A shitty student. A bad friend. A terrible family member. I'm just sick and I am trying so hard to get better. But it's hard and it's not easy. I want to give up every day.

Not getting better makes me feel like a failure. Not meeting my developmental goals makes me feel like a failure. Not having my degree makes me feel like a failure not being this ideal version of me makes me feel like a failure. But I know that I'm just in the dark place right now. My brain is literally just feeding me lies. My brain is sick and if it wasn't I wouldn't feel this way or want to do these things. It's all the disease and none of this is true. It's like being trapped in virtual reality. You know it's not real but you can't escape, and if you die here you die in real life too. But it still sucks. 

daily struggles

Having a chronic mental illness. Accepting myself for where I am instead of where I want to be. 

daily struggles

Dating. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I focus on breathing and grounding myself

This is what I am practicing when I'm experiencing high anxiety. I'm doing breathing with some grounding tapping. Practice makes perfect. 

Skittles: old post P.S grown up

Can I speak frankly? I know we tend to ease into topics that have been burning in our minds for months. Slow and steady has been the tride and true method. For me, I was always scarred of scarring you away. Saying things you weren't ready to hear. We started being slightly more direct. We would say 1 concise direct thing to each other. The receiver might be a tad bitter but would tolerate it without lashing out or responding with a hurtful quip. We have known each other for 5 years in October. I believe we can stand each other's honesty, without responding rashly. I do not believe in the slightest that this will be fun or comfortable. In 5 years we've built quite a history that needs context and discussion. No matter how much I adore you, we don't exactly balance each other out. We're a powerful force because we are so similar. We drive each other, bring the best out of one another. Being so similar means we can be quite volatile together, if we don't do something to neutralize the part of the reaction every once in a while we will explod. It will be metaphorically violent and quite emotionally painful. I don't want that. I want you in my life, in some positive form, for the rest of my life. I'm not going to be so presumptuous to tell you what you need, but I will give you my unsolicited opinion. I think if we work long term its going to be with a lot of hard pills to swallow, truths we didn't want to hear, things that are going to be hard to say, a bit more trust than I think we're use to, a great deal of restraint, remembering that we aren't trying to hurt each other, that we care deeply for one another, lots of deep breaths, thinking before we speak, removing one's self from the heat of the moment when need be, not saying things out of hurt/pain/anger, just because we're close does not mean the other person is telepathic, and, remembering that the other is a human who sometimes does the emotional thing instead of the "right" thing. I could start from first time I felt slighted all the way back to 2014. I think its best to deal with the past as it comes up and effects the present or later all at once. Which ever you prefer is fine with me. But 2014 is not what I want to get to this very second.

With all of that expository out of the way, I feel like I lost you in 2017. I don't know if I'm Woody from Toy Story realizing Andy grew up. Maybe your every other adult in the little prince and I'm the crazy old man. I hope I'm not Antifa and your the Conservative DNC (the ones that felt so threatened by Bernie they committed sabotage). Conversely I could be the protagonists in every coming of age story that has to mature into the hero and you could be my mentor who has sacrificed everything to no avail. I don't know. The story isn't that close to being over yet. From where I sit, high and mighty, I feel like you've forgotten who you are. Being white passing in predominantly white spaces I feel like has changed you. I feel like you forgot just because you pass doesn't mean you can't go to POC things. Or go to events where there will be more POC people. I know I lose touch with my identities if I don't spend time in community.  I'm not up on the latest in MechE or general scientific community things becuase I don't have a comminty at the moment. I have no idea and thus don't really care what the struggles are.  Its not an identity I have to engage in. Similarly to your passing, not being poor, usually perceived as male, job security, health care, political influences, social influence, and fame there are struggles that don't concern you. I'm going to give you my take on something you said, I know exactly what you said and I know it was not specifically directed at me, but please indulge me in my theatrics. The flare provides a clearer point. With you being the one speaking: Where you want to end capitalism becuase you see it as corrupt, broken, and/or evil I have found away to work inside it and use it for my own means, I don't really see the point in doing away with it. End quote  I get that. You are so close to being a poster child for hard work and perseverance equals The American Dream. Unfortunately you're Queer. They will never let you be one of them. Its frivolous to try. I am a MechE and I also have a degree in Nano Tech. I am not without faults. With that ingenuity I used it for war. My developments will be used to oppress other POCs. My inventions will feed the military capitalist industrial complex. I am profiting from death, misallocated resources, opression, war, helping the powerful steal resources with force, colonization, and many other things I typically oppose. Why did I willingly choose this? Why do I stay? The money is excellent, I have ridiculous amount of resources for research, job security, and I get to blow things up. Yes, I realise those "things" will go from inanimate objects in field test to humans. How can I sleep? Very well on my nice bed knowing I'm not the one my inventions are being used on. The difference is just becuase I'm a sell out doesn't mean I don't want it to end. I hate the military complex. I will help take it down. I will help end capitalism even through its benefiting me. I would help end all those systems even through I know ending them is to my personal, selfish, and immediate detriment. I have the forethought that it will benefit me later. When did you loose your vision and selflessness?

You lost hope in love. For all the time you spent building walls did you not learn I'm a great climber?

Skittles: Just day and night

I find myself missing her everyday. That feels like an understatement and an overstatement at the same time. I don't miss her every day. Just when I'm bored, want someone to talk to, I'm doing something that was part of my old routine (the one that revolved around talking to her), I can't sleep, I want dumplings, I see something about a cat, I see a happy couple, I see engagement ring ads which Facebook won't stop showing me, I think about the upcoming holidays, I think about what I'm going to wear for Halloween ( we were going to do a couples costume), and when I look up at the sky. Which is why it also feels like an understatement. But it feels like I miss her the appropriate amount. 

The grief comes in waves and makes it's self conformable in my bones. It feels like work getting from under the sadness. Happiness is effort I don't always want to put forth. It is lack of interest in everything I use to love and numbness for the people I know I still care about. I feel dead and empty inside. There's a magnetic hole trying to attract something it will never get back. But it pulls anyway. Finding every mundane and meaningless object along the way. It finds chocolate and old facebook post. It finds plants that I keep killing. It found dice for DnD that I will never get to play. It found school. It found a person who will never have time for me but looked good on paper. I realized I needed a hobby before it found one for me.

I am doing everything I can to get though this. Talking to her doesn't help. Not talking to her doesn't help. Writing helps me understand myself. My friends try to make me feel better. Sleep is all I can do to escape the feelings and my doctors insist that won't help. Traveling is distracting for a bit. Work is helpful. Being busy is all I can do. Those are the days I don't miss her. Then there are days like this where I didn't do much of anything and we'll we're here. Writing trying not to look up at the stars. Not that I could forget a face full constellations anyway. 

random affirmation

Today's random is: I seek a new way of thinking about this situation.

This is something I actively do already. I talk to my friends about different situations I'm in so I can get different perspectives from mine. I want to know other ways of thinking about it so I can one make sure my emotions are inline with what is happening or could be happing. Two figure out how to react. There's often there's often 100 different ways to look at a situation I want to know the most likely ones and operate on those assumptions. Also getting outside perspectives often reveal new information that I didn't see at first so it's very helpful. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I am more than good enough and I get better every day.

Being good enough is enough. I have to remind myself I am enough. I am just the right amount of me for right now and that is enough. Having flaws and past mistakes does not disqualify me from being good enough. I am good enough. That is all. 

Skittles: drunk thoughts about Berlin

I want out last night around 11:30 PM and didn't get back till 4:30 AM. Had quite a few drinks and I thought to myself about Berlin.

God would I have more fun if I was Amoriartii.

This not having a penis thing is really cramping my style.

It's weirdly safe here, I have yet to be accosted.

Or maybe black people are just seen as dangerous??? 

Do we have a bad reputation everywhere? What's up with that????

Berlin is firmly male.

I would also have more fun here with Amoriartii.

Haven't been to one BDSM party????

Ready to go to a queer or lesbian city next.

The conversion from us dollar to Euro is bullshit.

I've lost so much money in conversion fees.

Don't mix liquors. 

I should have gone out the weekend before. 

I'm not standing in line 3 hours to get into the club. 

I wanna go home. 

Skitts: an ABC story

Had to do a ABC story for a for a psych eval. Here's it is

Apples glistened in the window of a car awaiting a family of four to come back from the hike in the woods.

Bob a black bear broke into the car to steal the apples.

Car alarm goes off.

Dammit thinks Bob.

Emergency protocol initiated by OnStar police are on the way. 

Fortunately Bob is able to get the apples

Gracefully the bear exit the car

He must escape or be captured by police.

Immediately Bob gets in to the stolen get away car

Jake the jackrabbit is in the driver's seat

Keen to escape and stay out of prison the two took off at high speed.

Local police arrive just in time to catch a glimpse of the vehicle through the thick dust driving away.

Moments later the chase is on

Neither police or Jake and Bob willing to accept defeat.

Opportunity strikes as a train barrels down the tracks.

"Pick up the pace we have to make it past the train to ditch the cops." Bob yells at Jack.

Quickly the police realized what the 2 criminals are trying to do.

"Roger that" says the state trooper.

Shutting his eyes Jack push his foot down as hard as he can and battery makes it across the tracks.

Though they are not out of the woods yet.

Unfortunately, state troopers are racing down the dirt parallel to the tracks on their side. 

vowing not to back to prison Jack keeps driving and hands Bob a shot gun.

"What an I suppose to do with this?" Bob asked.

"X  ray 'em. shoot 'em of course." Jak yells

"You  gotta be crazy if you think I'm going to shoot a cop". Bob protest

Zap and in a bright flash the car stops.

They had run into an electric fence. The chase continues on foot. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I surround myself with people who treat me well.

This is on purpose. Everyone in my life is there because I enjoy them or they provide a resource. But everyone in both of those categories must abide by a two rules.

•treat me well

•don't betray my trust

That's all. I put a lot of work into my friendships and I pride myself on being a good friend. I'm not going to do that for people who treat me like shit. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I choose to find hopeful and optimistic ways to look at the situation.

I tend to catastrophize a lot but also find joy and hope at the same time. I worried that the Trump presidency would be a disaster. But I also thought that it would bring together marginalized communities. I also thoroughly enjoyed mocking him. And at the end of the day I'm that bitch and will always be that bitch. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.

I think this one is important to me. I tend to have a temper and an very reactionary. Out of anger I will say things that I mean but in a very hurtful manner. When I could say the same thing at a more appropriate time and nicely. Like saying "your to old for plushies and your just grasping at youth you wasted running in a rat race your not even close to winning. losing more time every day by procrastinating your life away because moving on is to uncomfortable for you." When I could say "have  you considered why you hold your plushies so dearly? There may not be a way relive the past but there are still things you can do and experience that won't let you to miss out on the present either." By waiting and letting the anger past I can think clearly about what my priorities are, what I am trying to accomplish, what I need, how I am going to get what I want to accomplish and need, and what to say. When I am not angry I remember how much I care about the other person and why. When I'm not angry I can see a path to winning the fight in a way that cost me the least. I will not let anger inhibit me from reaching my goal. 

Skittles: all the things I can't say to her

Eta Carina broke up with me. Making this the third time in my 27 years I've been dumped. There's a lot I didn't say cuz it was mean or just unnecessary. So after spending a weekend in Nashville with my friends I've decided to write down everything I wanted, but didn't say.

She should be sorry and hurting. All I ever did was love and support her. I helped her and it just upset her. Cleaned her whole apartment, got her new furniture, and got rid of the roaches. I gave her her first birthday that she felt loved and celebrated. All of that just made her uncomfortable. I'm sorry healthy is foreign to her. But sometimes you shouldn't run from what you don't know. You should sit in the discomfort because it will be comfortable eventually. And I am and will be all she's everything she's ever wanted but didn't know. One day she's going to realize she losing me made everything she's currently trying to do harder. And what I was offering was all she ever needed. That I've only ever had her best interest at heart and would have given her the world if she just let me. She could have been so much better in a year of she just let me love her. Let me help her. She should come back to me and let me love her.

I'm not going to say there's no one else out there who will love her. Or that she'll never find happiness. But she could have had it with me. Had more years of healthy and happy. I hope she finds someone who loves her as much or more than I did. I hope she actually loves them back. I hope they treat her like a god dam princess like I did. I hope they grand gesture the shit out of every birthday, valentine's, and Christmas because she deserves to be celebrated and appreciated and she hasn't had that outside of me. I hope they buy her flowers all the time like I did because she loves how they brighten up her home. I hope they get her candles because she loves the way they smell. I hope they spoil her with presents and she's able to accept them without feeling guilty or unworthy. I hope she learns what she's worth and demands nothing less. I hope they make her laugh all the time and make her so happy she can't stop smiling because that's how I was when I was around her. I hope they take her out for the best food and to the most Instagramable places because she loves to eat and takes pictures of everything. I hope they love her intellectual rants and are able to converse about those topics with her. I hope she gets better and is able to have her relationship with her family how she wants. I hope she heals from all her pain and trauma. I hope they get married and she has a couple kids like she wants to. I hope she's happy.

I am destroyed over someone I taught myself to love. I cry everyday over her. It hurts so bad. It feels like I can't breath some times. The pain in my chest feels like I'm having a heart attack. I can't eat. I can barely work. Mostly I sleep and cry. 

flight 262

There was a screaming baby on the plane so I decided to write snice I couldn't sleep.

Is drugging a baby ethical?

 There is a baby in the row in front of me.

Why don't parents drug their babies anymore?

This is why you can't access Twitter in fight I would be live tweeting away.

Do theses snack packs come with melatonin?

How much tequila do I need till I can't hear the baby anymore?

Inflight tequila is expensive, my wallet says no.

At least all the rows around me are just as miserable.

These parents owe us all a round of shots.

I should steal a red wine.

THEY DO BELIEVE IN DRUGGING THE CHILD!!!!

It's just too fucking late we're already an hour in.

Next time drug her when you get to the gate fucking amateurs.

They need pain meds for their headache now too.

Share the Tylenol 3s you all did this. We all have headaches to.

I should have empathy but I lost that like I lost my patience and hearing during the first 30 minutes of the flight.

The first 30 minutes where on the ground by the way. So of course it got worse once we were airborne.

Is she sleep finally?

Nope!

Screaming again. When do these drugs kick in?

Should we just get her drunk instead?

It's not fetal alcohol syndrome if they are already 2 ish. So it should be fine. 

I wish I was sleep!!!!!!

*Then I went to sleep briefly*

God why did they wake the babies? Who gives a shit about your landing protocol.

Now one of the babies is throwing up.

Max my music so I don't puke.

I don't always hate flying but when I do it's cuz of more than one baby on a plane and a sick person. 

I hate it here (Seattle)

I wanna go home but I'll walk this time, thank you.

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I accept everyone as they are and continue on with pursuing my dream.

If accepting means wanting everyone to be better than yes. I think it's suppose to mean I don't get caught up judging people and trying to make them something they aren't instead of staying in my own lane. Which I also do. I have already achieved this one. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I let go of worries that drain my energy.

Catastrophizing is something I'm good at. Like I would have a gold medal if it was an Olympic sport. Not that I would make it to the Olympics from worrying myself into a corner. It's hard to stop doing something that you excel at but sometimes you got to do it. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I embrace peace

I had fight with my step father for the most of the day so I embrace peace starting now. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I fully approve of who I am, even as i get better.

I think this one is hard for me because I am very critical of myself. I recognize my flaws and have a long list of things and ways I can improve my self. I think I fully approve of my forward movement even when it's small, even when all I can do to be better is not to let myself get worse. I fully approve of always trying to better myself. 

daily struggles

My damn random affirmations

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation brought to you by my family: I will work to maintain my peace.

Working to maintain my peace looks like doing the work in and out of therapy. Which is why I write these everyday. 

Random Affirmation

 Today's random affirmation is: I will face today with joy.

Today is a short day for work for me so it should be a good day. So I can have joy about that. I love short days. WOOOOOOOOO! I will face my work out with joy though which is the hardest part.

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: All my problems have answers.

They might all have answers but I don't always like the answer. That's the problem, me disagreeing with the correct, and often only answer. I don't like the answer so I chose to do the all the wrong things until I have no choice but to do the right answer. There's often an infinite amount of wrong answers for me to choose from so I can take my sweet time getting to the right answer. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I am smart.

I don't feel smart around smart people. But I'm also generally surrounded by idiots so it's not a problem. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I am a positive impact

It's hard not to be a positive impact when you slay so hard.

random affirmation

Therapist wants me to write myself affirmations. I hate but I'm doing it with the help of a random affirmation generator. Today's random affirmation is: I am compassionate

I do have concern for others. It mostly shows up in me worrying about them making the wrong choices, because they are stupid or lack perspective.

*I can tell this going to go well* said sarcastically

skit: draft apology

I am sorry for betraying your trust. I will make every effort not to make the same mistake in the future. I already knew better than to talk about you when you're not there. It was wrong and I knew that. Betraying you was not the only thing I did out of malice. All of that was uncalled for. I am actively working to be less manipulative. I am also working on sitting in the discomfort of my pain instead of acting out. I have gotten better at taking responsibility for my own feelings. This has help me be less reactive. Instead of lashing out I now attempt to care for my own needs that aren't being met as a way to end the hurt I feel.

 

I loved you but I didn't know how to love you properly. That led to me causing you a lot of heart ache, pain, and hurt. I was never able to be fully honest and left a lot of words unsaid. All the times I would just stop talking to you with out explainion. I apologize for my poor communication and toxic behavior. I wasn't in a place mentally where I could have been in a healthy relationship. I wasn't committed to changing my behavior to be better either. I recognize that now. I have actively worked on my communication skills, being vulnerable, learning to trust, and over coming my own insecurities causing my anxiety. I have found a therapist that gets me and am making a lot of progress. 

I know many of my actions and words were hurtful. Whether I was retaliating or just being dismissive of your feelings, I now see the all of that pain you have suffered silently. I am very sorry for neglecting your feelings and disrespecting you. Social ques where never my strong suit and I have trouble taking others feelings into consideration. But I have been very intentional in working on my relationships of all kinds. I have worked on respecting boundaries and having occasional check ins to make sure they feel respected and cared for. I still don't get social ques due to a learning disability but I am coping with that by just asking how people feel. I listen and make sure that when I act I do so in a way that doesn't intentionally hurt people. I am also learning to speak to those I care about in a way that is less authoritarian and dismissive. I want those around me to know that they have autonomy and that I do care about what they are saying. Improving my active listening skills and changing my vocabulary has made all the difference. 

I was hard to love. I was hard to trust. I was hard to get to know. I was hard to understand. I know now if it was easy. But you tried. You kept trying. You never gave up on me. You are patient. I never gave you any credit for all that you did. I only criticized. I apologize for not even trying to see your point of view and never giving you patience, understanding, or appreciation. I am working on not taking people for granted. I am thinking through things not only from my perspective but trying to see how things could be interpreted differently. My friends are helping me with this. I am also working on getting out of my own head. I catastrophize and only see the worst in things. I am working on having a positive inner monologue. But mostly I am working on not making assumptions and patience. Patience allows me to take the time I need to calm down. Not making assumptions means I have to just ask for the others person version of things. I'd love to hear your side of the story by the way. This allows me to decide how to move forward with all the information not just my own perceptions.

Finally I am sorry this took so long for me to say. I am bad at apologizing to those I love. I told you this break in 2014, I don't know if you remember. I have been trying to apologize to you since 2017. Between trying not to cry, because I feel so bad, and my anxiety I never manage to get the words out. I am working on being able to talk through apologies through practice and therapy. However, I find the best way for me, at the moment, to say everything is to write it all down in a letter.

I would greatly appreciate you bringing anything I have missed to my attention. I want to apologize and I deeply regret not doing this sooner. I owe you a complete and sincere apology that include the ways I am actively working to do better. So if there's anything you think I didn't address please let me know.

skittles: Bockor

Bockor and I broke up on my birthday. That is all. 

daily struggles

All I want to do is apologize but I know they've moved on and it's too late. 

daily struggles

Day 5: my arm stopped hurting 2 days ago but god did it hurt for like 3 days

daily struggles

Got my first shot of the covid 19 pfizer vaccine today. My arm hurts. Will keep y'all updated on 

Skittles: piña colada

I love Eta Carina. Like marry her tomorrow spend the rest of our lives together love. Move half way across the country any time she'd have me love. But she doesn't feel the same and that is just one of a few things living in my head making me wonder whether this will work out. Like I feel like 75% it will work if you work at it and the other 25% of the time it was just bad luck and nothing could make it work. I want this to be the 75% of the time obviously. But she wouldn't move for me, and that says a lot. I like big dogs and she doesn't think she could handle one. I like the song Escape (The Piña Colada Song), I find it oddly romantic. She hates it and feels like its about cheating. (she's not wrong but I feel like she's missing the point.)I like traditionally houses with a lot of space, a two car garage, and a back yard. She likes modern townhouse and condos in the city. I am beginning to wonder are we too different to work? Its just a number of little things plus the one big thing being the house. Husband #7 keeps saying "your three month in its not the end of the world if it doesn't work out." I know its not but it feels like it would be. I thought after Amoriartii I would never marry and do the whole domestic thing. Mostly because everything felt like settling for less. Except for Lovely. That felt different but very similar. It was an intense love. I am teaching myself that I don't need an intense love to be happy. I don't need it for the relationship to last because none of the intense ones ever have. I learned ( more like still trying) to stop comparing current relationships to the one with Amoriartii. Now things don't feel like settling they just feel different which I have convinced myself is okay.  I (am trying to) believe that if I want to marry do the whole domestic thing that I can still find someone to love and do that with. So because this isn't an intense love every time even the smallest thing goes awry its like a big alarm goes off in my head. Just straight up panic for like five seconds every time. But this, her unwillingness to move feels like a big thing. Also I am not crazy I am not saying we have to move now. Actually I am saying we are not moving in together now. But I plan so I can save and manage my life accordingly. So if I am going to move to the coast in a couple of years I would like that to be a very stress free process because we planned for this possible outcome. So we talk about it causally with out making concrete plans about what we like and what we don't like. Just making a Pinterest board of future plans together should things work out. With that said we consider a range of possibilities, one being her moving to me. But she just shut it down. Wouldn't entertain the idea for a second. Shoots it down every time I bring it up. Which doesn't sit right with me. If things work out two years is a long time maybe she will change. Equality when it makes sense is important to me in a relationship and equity for when equality doesn't work. It feels both equal and equitable that she should consider moving too! It just bugs me that its such a sticking point with her. It makes me feel less cared for and respected. I don't feel loved. It makes me feel like this won't work and I should be looking for someone who: likes piña coladas

And gettin' caught in the rain (romantically) 

are you kinda into yoga

understands the physics of a plane 

If you like makin' love at midnight

on a boat of the cape

Then I'm the love that you've looked for

Write to me and escape

but I still want this to work so I probably won't post that in my tinder bio just yet. 

Daily struggle

Day 8: kinda sluggish 

Day 9: very sleepy 

Day 10: getting covid test 

daily struggles

Day 7: chest pain a little

That and a lot of fear. 

skittles: Eta Carina what if you don't get better

These are just notes on conversations I plan to have with Eta Carina. We both suffer from different mental health issues. I'm doing better and she is right now. I recognize the dark place that she said and I want to help but I also need to establish boundaries so that I don't get taken back to that place. 

I want this to work and even if you don't get better I want to be with you. So I guess there's two separate conversations we to have one about you getting better and one where you don't.

 what does getting better mean to you? What does it mean to me? What commitment are will to make to that? What are you willing to sacrifice and do to get better. Are you willing to have the hard conversations were you hear things you might not want to hear. Are you willing to do things that you don't want to do. are you willing to do the things even when you're exhausted and don't feel like you have the energy for it. Are you willing to push past what you feel emotionally to what your physically capable of? Are you willing to train your emotions in a similar way of how you would train your physical muscles. are you willing to work on your emotional stamina in the same way you work on physical stamina. 

If you're not willing to get better what did that mean for our relationship? Do you still want to be with me. Will you accept the help I offer? Will you need more care than I can provide at times. Where do you get that care if not from me. Are you willing to let people in to care for you. Can you accept being cared for. What are the systems we need to set up so that you can maintain where you are. What are some uncomfortable truths we will need to accept. What are so things that will put you Jeopardy of getting worse that we have to eliminate. 

daily struggles

Covid 

Day 5: killer migraine

Day 6: my ears are popping and I'm sleepy

daily struggles

Covid 19 Day 4: nose bleeds. But other than that fine

daily struggles

I got covid. 

Day 2: I have a runny nose and I'm Sneezy.

Day 3: I am squeezy and I have a stuffy nose. 

skit: covid-19 vaccine

This post is a mix of my opinions and cited sources. I will not be using the traditional method of citing sources but I will put the source as a link in parentheses. I will also state things that are not a cited as I feel. I'm going to use "I" statements for things I feel or are my opinion that way you don't get them confused with things that I am paraphrasing from sources. 

Let's start with my feelings. I personally feel like the vaccine is unsafe. I feel like they didn't do enough testing on diverse populations. Diverse populations being people with different ages, underlying conditions, different races. I feel like they're using America and their doctors as a testing ground which I'm not mad at. I think white people should be a testing ground because it's been done to African Americans for so long. However I do think the vaccine needs to be tested on African Americans as well. But it is difficult for the African-American population trust doctors. After the Tuskegee experiments (https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.history.com/.amp/news/the-infamous-40-year-tuskegee-study). I don't know how you convinced black people to trust doctors after something that happens. I feel like African Americans have been used as medical tests subjects for years. I feel like that had lead to irreparable damage not only mentally but to the people and their families physically. So I understand the African American communities and other communities of color distrust when it comes to the when it comes to the covid 19 vaccine. I being part of the African-American community have similar feelings of distrust. These feelings are not assuaged by all the misinformation going around. Earlier political events that made it much more difficult to trust the government and the CDC also are not helping. 

I feel like other vaccines took at least 5 years or more to produce. I have heard the argument that it was a lack of funding and pressure that made it takes so long for those vaccines to be produced. I disagree with those arguments on the basis that science no matter how much funding or pressure takes time. You have to run the same experiment multiple times by just the person developing. Then it has to be challenged by the scientific community by then running the experiments and examining the data multiple times. I feel like clinical trials take weeks. You have to recruit participants. I think at least that takes the 2 weeks. You have to go through all of the medical records and make sure that their ideal candidates. I feel like that takes another two week. You have to give some of the placeb and some of the actual vaccine. then I feel like you're supposed to expose them to covid 19 and hope they don't die. That's going to take at least 2 months I think. I mean the ones who got the placebo might die. Though I think that that is not how that works for human medical test.  I think that they only do that to animals. Animals are so drastically different than humans many scientists will tell you testing things on rats and mice is damn near useless (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/04/10/522775456/drugs-that-work-in-mice-often-fail-when-tried-in-people). 

So I feel like I need actual science to convince me.  Let's begin with how the vaccine works. The vaccine works with messenger RNA. The Corona virus has spikes on its surface called the S protein. The vaccine teaches your body how to build the S protein. Your immune system then is suppose recognizes that this protein doesn't belong there and attacks. To attack and destroy the protein the body is going to have to create antibodies. Once it has these antibodies when it comes in contact with the real covid-19 virus it ideally well then recognize the S protein spikes and know how to destroy the entire virus  1( https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/coronavirus/in-depth/coronavirus-vaccine/art-20484859) 2 ( https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/covid-19-vaccine-what-you-need-to-know)

I am not a doctor. I'm not a biomedical engineer. I did not study biology. I did not study medicine. Not a professional in this field at all. But I feel like the way that most vaccines work is they introduce a inactive virus into your body.  This is not the case. In America there are only six license vaccines that use inactive viruses to teacher body how to build up antibodies to the virus (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7189890/#:~:text=Today%2C%20there%20are%20six%20licensed,(TBEV)%20to%20generate%20vaccines.). (https://www.vaccines.gov/basics/types)(https://www.immune.org.nz/vaccines/vaccine-development/types-vaccines) I couldn't find a non-governmental source to back this up for the US so I found one for a different government. That's why you got three different sources for this one. Most vaccines modern vaccines do use a protein in the vaccine to teach your body to build antibodies and make it more effective against fighting the virus. As you read in the sources above. 

However a vaccine is only good if it's made with the right protein from the virus. That brings into question how does the covid-19 virus actually work? "Researchers with the University of California, San Francisco found that when the SARS-CoV-2 virus infects a human cells, the infected cell grows multi-pronged tentacles that are studded with viral particles. These filaments, called filopodia, reach out to still-healthy neighboring cells, which then bore into the cells’ bodies and infect the healthy cells with virus." (https://www.biospace.com/article/research-roundup-how-the-covid-19-virus-infects-other-cells-and-more/)

So apparently the virus binds with ACE2 receptor on a cell. Covid 19 releaseses it's genetic material into the cell  (https://www.scripps.edu/covid-19/science-simplified/how-the-novel-coronavirus-infects-a-cell/index.html). That genetic material  changes the cell and makes it make the little spikes or tentacles. Which carry the virus RNA. Then it infects any cell that comes into contact with it because of the spikes and/or tentacles. So from my understanding it uses the spikes to infect and bind with cells but it seems only though ACE2 receptor. Why not stop it from being able to bind with the receptor. Maybe that's a harder job I'm not sure. However it seems like if it couldn't bind with the receptor then we'd all be fine. Curious... From what I read above it does seem like it uses the S protein to infect cells through this binding process. So maybe they choose the right protein. 

Did the vaccine trials include a diverse population? No.

(https://www.statnews.com/2020/08/14/covid-19-clinical-trials-are-are-failing-to-enroll-diverse-populations-despite-awareness-efforts/#:~:text=It's%20been%20well%2Destablished,populations%20that%20actually%20reflect%20society.)(https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2020/08/27/large-us-covid-19-vaccine-trials-are-halfway-enrolled-lag-participant-diversity/)

This makes me question whether it will work on people of color and does not do anything to make me trust this vaccine. I think that when you do not do medical tests on diverse populations, you do a disservice to the medical community because you're not making a cure or something feasible for everyone. Without the empirical data on how it works on a diverse population it is not scientifically sound. 

As I'm learning about the covid-19 virus and vaccine I'm growing slightly skeptical. I still have a few questions. I am still unsettled by the fact that they did not test the diverse population. Moving though. Many people have been saying they can't get the vaccine due to allergies. So what in the vaccine that people may have an allergic reaction to? 

• mRNA
• the Pfiizer and Moderna vaccine differ because of the slight changes they made in the mNRA that they both manufactured in a lab noting using human cells

• The mRNA in the Pfizer and Moderna vaccine codes for an area of the spike protein known as the receptor- binding domain (RBD)
• saline
• Phosphate buffer solution (PBS) (Pfiizer)
• Tromethamine (tris) (Moderna)
• Sodium acetate (Moderna)
• Sucrose (sugar)
• Water
• Lipid
• ALC-0315  (Pfiizer)
• ALC-0159 (Pfiizer)
• SM-102 (Moderna)
• PEG2000-DMG (Moderna)
•  1,2-distearoyl-sn-glycero-3-phosphocholine
• Cholesterol

(https://www.goodrx.com/blog/ingredients-covid-19-vaccine/) (https://www.technologyreview.com/2020/12/09/1013538/what-are-the-ingredients-of-pfizers-covid-19-vaccine/)

(https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/vaccines/different-vaccines/Pfizer-BioNTech.html)

If it's not labeled one of the other it's in both. 

There is a warning that says if you have an allergy to any of the ingredients or to specific vaccine that you should not get this vaccine. I would check with your doctor who knows your allergies before getting the vaccine. If you're worried that you might be allergic to something in the vaccine you can also see an allergist to get an allergy test for the ingredients that are in the vaccine. But I feel like the ingredients in the vaccine are common in other medicines and so your doctor will probably be sufficient. 

What are the side effects of the vaccine?  Fatigue, headaches, chills muscle aches, and joint pains.  (https://www.webmd.com/vaccines/covid-19-vaccine/news/20201217/covid-19-vaccine-faq-safety-side-effects-efficacy) (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/coronavirus/in-depth/coronavirus-vaccine/art-20484859). 

It doesn't seem like there's a chance of death except for if you're allergic to the vaccine. 

 

Is it worth getting? Does it work?!

95% effective in preventing mild to severe symptoms. The severe symptoms including death.  But it doesn't seem like it prevents you from getting covid just prevents you from dying from covid 19 which is something.  Not dying is good. I'd rather not get covid but if I have to get covid I'd rather not die from it. (https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/covid-19-vaccine-what-you-need-to-know) (https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20210114-covid-19-how-effective-is-a-single-vaccine-dose) 

But isn't there another mutated strain of covid-19? Yes! (https://wexnermedical.osu.edu/mediaroom/pressreleaselisting/new-sars-cov2-variant) (https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/a-new-strain-of-coronavirus-what-you-should-know)

This one it seems to be more contagious than the original. However it's not uncommon for viruses to mutate and change as they spread through the populace. Many major cities have their own unique strain of covid-19. University of Chicago says that Cook county Illinois has its own unique strain of covid-19. A virus is a living thing It's going to mutate and change so that it can survive. It's trying to spread we're trying to stop it. 

Will the current vaccine work against this new strain? Yes? Maybe, We really don't know yet. (https://abc13.com/vaccine-trial-covid-19-mutation-pfizer-what-we-know/9474530/)(https://www.biospace.com/article/pfizer-biontech-covid-19-vaccine-increasing-production-and-confident-it-can-handle-mutant-strain/) (https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/transmission/variant.html)

I was feeling confident in getting the vaccine until I found out that it might be useless against the new strains and the whole diverse population thing. If the old strains are not as prevalent in the new strains are, then we need something that's effective against the new strains which are worse more than we need something that's effective against the old strands in my opinion. But if the vaccine works against the new strains as well then I think it would be worth getting. Only time will tell and so I'm going to wait and stay in quarantine. By the time they figure out if the vaccine works on the new strains a diverse populous will have been vaccinated. Waiting deals with the diverse population issue as well. I want to wait until we have a vaccine that works against mutations of the strain similar to how we have vaccines that work against mutations of other viruses. I also want to wait to see how it affects people of different races ages and with underlying conditions. I hope this posts has helped you make a decision about the vaccine as well.

skittles: love sick

Eta Carina has me feeling love sick. I have deeper feelings for her than she does me. Which didn't bother me. But she didn't like how I told her how I felt about her all the time. Which I also understood. But we were suppose to spend the weekend together and she's cancelling. Which again I understand. But the more she pulls away from me the more it hurts. I am trying to have patience, but it's something I've always struggled with and I'm obviously still struggling with. I don't like crying over the person I'm currently with. Especially when they didn't do anything.  Logically I know it's fine but I can't get my emotions to fall in line. Every time it feels like my heart's breaking. I worry that it will hurt to much for me to stay and wait it out