Skittles: all the things I can't say to her

Eta Carina broke up with me. Making this the third time in my 27 years I've been dumped. There's a lot I didn't say cuz it was mean or just unnecessary. So after spending a weekend in Nashville with my friends I've decided to write down everything I wanted, but didn't say.

She should be sorry and hurting. All I ever did was love and support her. I helped her and it just upset her. Cleaned her whole apartment, got her new furniture, and got rid of the roaches. I gave her her first birthday that she felt loved and celebrated. All of that just made her uncomfortable. I'm sorry healthy is foreign to her. But sometimes you shouldn't run from what you don't know. You should sit in the discomfort because it will be comfortable eventually. And I am and will be all she's everything she's ever wanted but didn't know. One day she's going to realize she losing me made everything she's currently trying to do harder. And what I was offering was all she ever needed. That I've only ever had her best interest at heart and would have given her the world if she just let me. She could have been so much better in a year of she just let me love her. Let me help her. She should come back to me and let me love her.

I'm not going to say there's no one else out there who will love her. Or that she'll never find happiness. But she could have had it with me. Had more years of healthy and happy. I hope she finds someone who loves her as much or more than I did. I hope she actually loves them back. I hope they treat her like a god dam princess like I did. I hope they grand gesture the shit out of every birthday, valentine's, and Christmas because she deserves to be celebrated and appreciated and she hasn't had that outside of me. I hope they buy her flowers all the time like I did because she loves how they brighten up her home. I hope they get her candles because she loves the way they smell. I hope they spoil her with presents and she's able to accept them without feeling guilty or unworthy. I hope she learns what she's worth and demands nothing less. I hope they make her laugh all the time and make her so happy she can't stop smiling because that's how I was when I was around her. I hope they take her out for the best food and to the most Instagramable places because she loves to eat and takes pictures of everything. I hope they love her intellectual rants and are able to converse about those topics with her. I hope she gets better and is able to have her relationship with her family how she wants. I hope she heals from all her pain and trauma. I hope they get married and she has a couple kids like she wants to. I hope she's happy.

I am destroyed over someone I taught myself to love. I cry everyday over her. It hurts so bad. It feels like I can't breath some times. The pain in my chest feels like I'm having a heart attack. I can't eat. I can barely work. Mostly I sleep and cry.