skittles: Bockor

Bockor and I broke up on my birthday. That is all. 

Skittles: Things I'm going to miss about Lovely

I keep thinking about things that I'm going to miss about Lovely. So every time I think of a new one I'm going to add it to this list:

•Hot air balloons

•Discussing the philosophy of cannibalism

•Watching her play overwatch

•recaps of horror movies I am to afraid to watch

•hot takes

•her linguistic idiosyncrasies

•her aesthetic

•Yuri on Ice

•Her mom

•her niblings

•Albuquerque

• the rest of her family

•watching her do her makeup

•her smile

• her reading

•her hair

•Her tattos

•the sound of her voice

•the little thing she does with her hand when she's in executive mode

•the face she makes when she's really satisfied with something

•the sound of her laugh

•how her hair always smells like coconuts

•the way she stands when she smokes

•her acceptance

•her patience

•how clearly she communicated

•her help with fashion

•just sharing space with her

•her sense of humor

•her behind the camera

•listening to her talk about anything she's passionate about

•her kindness

•her empathy

•her musical talent

•listening to her play music

•snuggles

•her strength

•how she always kept me guessing

•her impeccable taste

•how her face lights up when she's really happy

•holding pinkies

•how she gets mad when I buy her stuff but she really appreciates it

•Albuquerque

•the trust

•the closeness

•the comfort

•the safety

•constantly working to be better

Skittles: we're not okay

I hate losing close friends more than I hate losing romantic partners. I hate losing friends when I did nothing wrong. When nothing went wrong but it's still over. 

I swear everything was fine and now it's not and it's not because anything happened. I saw her in June and it was hard but but the end we were okay. We talked about me coming later in the year and we were both happy. Then the next time we checked in it was done. It's just over. I didn't even get to see her before we got to this point. NOTHING!!!!! NOTHING brought us to point. Not a fight. Not one of us being shitty. It's just a product of our current situation. 

So I'm grieving and sad. I loved Lovely. I wanted her nick name to actually be Love Lace and I think she would find it fitting if I had called her that on hear. There are so many things I'm going to miss and so many things I never got around too. I still owe her a camera, a jacket, and a trip to the Philippines. I'll get around to them eventually but it's going to be strange. Never the less I still feel obligated to give her the things I promised. I'm a person of my word and social awkwardness won't keep me from that.

Thinking about saying my final goodbyes are tearing me up inside. I'm hurt, angry, sad, and frustrated. I have no one to direct those feelings at because it's not her fault. I'm also not at fault. There's nothing I can fix and there's no take away. There's no action to be done other than to move on and that's not a conducive pathway for me to funnel my emotions into. I want to be able to do something so I can feel better. So that continuing to live is easier.

Lovely and I aren't friends anymore. She is also leaving KU along with 90% of the board (my decision).  She doesn't have time for me in her life and our relationship only works in person. So if she doesn't have time for me to visit I don't see her. I'm not moving to New York and she's not moving to Chicago over a friendship. We just need to return some personal belongings of ours that the other has and that will be it. I just want to return her stuff but honestly, I don't want anything back. My stuff will smell like her and I am not strong enough to cope with that. So she can keep it all. 

I don't know what to say to her but I know have to say something.  But I can't think of anything. I want to be prepared so I don't just stare at her like I'm staring at my screen, crying and silent. I can't say "I love you", "I love you goodby", or "Goodbye love". It's cruel to tell her I love her and then not be friends with her anymore. Even though it's the truth, telling her would hurt. Because it hurts me to know that she loves me but can't be in my life. I can't say "Goodbye", "Farewell", or "So long". It's to impersonal. It's also true but so cold, unfeeling, and doesn't capture all the emotions of our relationship and the moment. I'm leaning towards a hug and "Be safe". We'll be saying our final goodbyes at a conference and the is pretty standard. But also I want her to be safe. I want her to live a long happy life that's fulfilling and she's loved. Be safe means I care about you and you're wellbeing in the future. So if I can't think of anything profound to say I'll go with that. 

Lovely's break up song is Miserable at Best  by Mayday Parade