Skittles: really old dream post

I had a dream I got caught by Vendetta looking at her Facebook page and YouTube channel. Of course I've blocked her on Facebook but I can still see her professional page. In my dream her professional page sends me a message and a conversation ensues.

V: I can't believe you have the nerve to visit my page.
Me: I'll stop I'm sorry. Please feel free to block me. I deserve that.
V: Why would you even visit my page?
Me: Because it helps me heal.
V: Helps you heal!? Heal from what? You weren't the one hurt. You are the one who did the hurting.
Me: You're right I'll stop.
V: What could you possibly be healing from? I didn't do anything to you.
Me: My therapist suggested it. It's stupid I should have told her no.
V: No therapist was suggest that a predator watch videos of the people they hurt. You've got to be lying. I'm blocking you now.
Me: I'm not lying. But I'll still stop I'll have my  therapist find something else.
V: No therapist would do that.
Me: I'm supposed to look at pictures or videos to prove you're alive. That's all.
V: Why would your therapist want to prove that I'm alive? So you can kill me? What the hell is going on?
Me: I wouldn't listen to reason. So to bring me back to reality she has to appeal to my crazy first.
V: What are you talking about? Are you using my videos as part of some sick fantasy?
Me: Noo. It's just to prove you alive. I'm not suppose to talk to you or anything. I should go.
V: You're not supposed to talk to me? Really? What lie did you tell your therapist?
Me: I didn't lie. Look, she has me do it to help me through my own stuff.
V: Like what? You're just full of shit.M

Me: She uses them to talk me down. But I feel really guilty and I go kind of hammarabi. An eye for an eye a life for a life.

V: You tried to kill yourself?
Me: Yeah. A lot actually. Dying is just so much easier. I'm sorry you don't need to know any of this. It's not that I'm not supposed to talk to you. It's that I feel even more guilty for telling you. I should go. I'll stop. I'll have my therapist find something else. I'm sorry

V: Wait I don't want you to die. But I still get why you're looking at my page?

Me: Well it's along the lines of an eye for an eye. If you're still alive and I should be too. That's all I guess.

V: So you watch my page just for confirmation that I'm alive?

Me: Yeah. I don't even read the content. I just check the time and date stamp. 

V: I don't know. That's still really wired..

Skittles: Things I'm going to miss about Lovely

I keep thinking about things that I'm going to miss about Lovely. So every time I think of a new one I'm going to add it to this list:

•Hot air balloons

•Discussing the philosophy of cannibalism

•Watching her play overwatch

•recaps of horror movies I am to afraid to watch

•hot takes

•her linguistic idiosyncrasies

•her aesthetic

•Yuri on Ice

•Her mom

•her niblings

•Albuquerque

• the rest of her family

•watching her do her makeup

•her smile

• her reading

•her hair

•Her tattos

•the sound of her voice

•the little thing she does with her hand when she's in executive mode

•the face she makes when she's really satisfied with something

•the sound of her laugh

•how her hair always smells like coconuts

•the way she stands when she smokes

•her acceptance

•her patience

•how clearly she communicated

•her help with fashion

•just sharing space with her

•her sense of humor

•her behind the camera

•listening to her talk about anything she's passionate about

•her kindness

•her empathy

•her musical talent

•listening to her play music

•snuggles

•her strength

•how she always kept me guessing

•her impeccable taste

•how her face lights up when she's really happy

•holding pinkies

•how she gets mad when I buy her stuff but she really appreciates it

•Albuquerque

•the trust

•the closeness

•the comfort

•the safety

•constantly working to be better

Skittles: we're not okay

I hate losing close friends more than I hate losing romantic partners. I hate losing friends when I did nothing wrong. When nothing went wrong but it's still over. 

I swear everything was fine and now it's not and it's not because anything happened. I saw her in June and it was hard but but the end we were okay. We talked about me coming later in the year and we were both happy. Then the next time we checked in it was done. It's just over. I didn't even get to see her before we got to this point. NOTHING!!!!! NOTHING brought us to point. Not a fight. Not one of us being shitty. It's just a product of our current situation. 

So I'm grieving and sad. I loved Lovely. I wanted her nick name to actually be Love Lace and I think she would find it fitting if I had called her that on hear. There are so many things I'm going to miss and so many things I never got around too. I still owe her a camera, a jacket, and a trip to the Philippines. I'll get around to them eventually but it's going to be strange. Never the less I still feel obligated to give her the things I promised. I'm a person of my word and social awkwardness won't keep me from that.

Thinking about saying my final goodbyes are tearing me up inside. I'm hurt, angry, sad, and frustrated. I have no one to direct those feelings at because it's not her fault. I'm also not at fault. There's nothing I can fix and there's no take away. There's no action to be done other than to move on and that's not a conducive pathway for me to funnel my emotions into. I want to be able to do something so I can feel better. So that continuing to live is easier.

Lovely and I aren't friends anymore. She is also leaving KU along with 90% of the board (my decision).  She doesn't have time for me in her life and our relationship only works in person. So if she doesn't have time for me to visit I don't see her. I'm not moving to New York and she's not moving to Chicago over a friendship. We just need to return some personal belongings of ours that the other has and that will be it. I just want to return her stuff but honestly, I don't want anything back. My stuff will smell like her and I am not strong enough to cope with that. So she can keep it all. 

I don't know what to say to her but I know have to say something.  But I can't think of anything. I want to be prepared so I don't just stare at her like I'm staring at my screen, crying and silent. I can't say "I love you", "I love you goodby", or "Goodbye love". It's cruel to tell her I love her and then not be friends with her anymore. Even though it's the truth, telling her would hurt. Because it hurts me to know that she loves me but can't be in my life. I can't say "Goodbye", "Farewell", or "So long". It's to impersonal. It's also true but so cold, unfeeling, and doesn't capture all the emotions of our relationship and the moment. I'm leaning towards a hug and "Be safe". We'll be saying our final goodbyes at a conference and the is pretty standard. But also I want her to be safe. I want her to live a long happy life that's fulfilling and she's loved. Be safe means I care about you and you're wellbeing in the future. So if I can't think of anything profound to say I'll go with that. 

Lovely's break up song is Miserable at Best  by Mayday Parade

Skittles: a different kind of X-men

I recently found out that a lot of bipolar people believe they can see the future and are suicidal. They have these moments of deja vu, hallucinations that then happen in real life, or have vision in a fugue state. I have bipolar depression and when I read about what others people experience there are so many similarities.  What if all of these non neurotypical disorders are just the beginning of an evolutionary mutation of our cognitive abilities? These are the very beginning stages where nothing really works yet. We are currently non functional preliminary prototypes. Bipolar disorder is just our brain trying to piece together a lot of information and make the most statistically possible outcome. Information we didn't even know we consciously noticed. ADHD is just a faster synaptic process. Insomnia is our actual need for less sleep. Dissociation is the ability to shut down no essential parts of the brain and rest at will. Servant syndrome is being born to do one thing. But nothing really works as it hopefully will much later. Kind of like how women evolved to have a menstrual cycle every month. It wasn't always this way. I'm not saying that our current method of breeding is perfect but it's come a long way. Maybe our brain function will too.

Skittles: KU ends in January

I've choosen a song to break up with my board to. Three cheers to five years by mayday parade. 

Daily Struggls

I always use recent emotionally stressful envets as an excuse to make bad decisions. Then I have to also cope with the consequences of those decisions.

Daily Struggles

I hope who ever breaks my heart from now on knows how much stress they are causing my dog. 

Daily struggles

I was doing well mental health wise. I went to see my best then went home to an empty house and my brain l lost it's shit. As soon as I walked through the doo, it was insta depression. Post conference depression is going to be awful this year.

Daily struggles

My seasonal affectiveness disorder has kicked in so I'm self-isolating and hibernating. I have almost completed my winter checklist

✔️1) cancel all plans

✔️2) do not make any future plans

✔️3) stop talking to almost all friends

4) quit the gay

Daily struggles

I want to quit the gay. Keep my sexuality but leave the community for a bit. I need a break

Daily struggles

In honor of national coming out day I would like to share a moment I had with my brother recently.

*Me chasing him round and round in circles*

Me *yelling*: tell me you're gay!

Him *yelling*: never!

Me: I ALREADY KNOW YOU'RE GAY!

Him: I know.

Me: so come back here and tell me you're gay!

Him: NO!

Me: *screaming*

Me: I'm going to catch you and when I do you will confess you're gay!

Him: you'll NEVER catch me and I'll NEVER tell!

*Me still chasing him round in circles*

Skittles: not a vaild human

I never feel like I'm enough. Never black enough. Never poor enough. Never smart enough. Never disabled enough. Never depressed enough. Never gay enough. Never trans enough. Never non binary enough. Never bisexual enough. Never historically female enough. Never survivor enough. Never person of color enough. Never activist enough. I don't feel like I deserve to take up the space I occupy. I hate the words deserve, worthy, and entitled. It feels like the privilege that makes me uncomfortable. It feels like the white people black twitter makes fun of. It feels like the toxic masculinity that tells men they can't be sad so those feelings become violence.

There a lot of places where I don't feel like enough. This is demonstrated in my willingness to be treated like less than a person. In my bed. In my house. With my family. With my friends. On the bus. On the train. At a restaurant. Walking down the street. Riding a bike. Driving the car. Always in the presence of police. With other queer people I don't know. With other trans people I don't know. With other people of color I don't know. In spaces for people color. In spaces for people with disabilities. In spaces for trans people. At the gay bar. At pride. At the bus stop where I wrote this but also in general at bus stops. At work. At the beach. In the theater. At the store. At the doctor. At the pool. In the shower. In any gender specific bathroom. At the gas station. At school. In the library

The only time I feel like enough is on a plane. Which I think is weird. I never feel bad for fighting over the armrest. I always take over the outlet with my charger. My leg room is mine. It's got to be between 9:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m for me to tolerate the use of the overhead light. And this is never happened but I would say something if the person next to me was being too loud.

I don't know what makes me feel like a vaild human trapped in a pressurized metal machine 9,000m in the air. Maybe it's the fact that I can't disappear without someone noticing. Maybe it's because if I died someone would take note. Maybe it's because no passenger is more important than another, no matter what. Maybe it's because the expectations of me for the duration of the flight are minimal. Maybe it's because I don't have to be hyper aware. The ability to avoid danger is out of my control. Maybe it's the lack of control.

I would like it to be because I'm above the world and all of it's problems are below me. I wish it was something so poetic and profound. Years from now if I find out that they have been putting drugs in the air of planes to keep people under control and I will have my answer. But it is simply what it is. I never feel more human than when I'm flying. I never feel more alive then when I'm under water and can't breathe.

Skittles: thinking about loneliness as a hunger

I think millennials are largely impoverished because we lack what we need to thrive. We're not cooking. We either don't have the time to cook healthy meals or don't have the money. We work too much or not enough to cook. Our water is full of toxins. In the US most of our major cities pipes are lead. Very old lead pipes that are poisoning us all. They did a study drinking water in Chicago public schools and found that it had high levels of lead in them. The water is not safe but wine is. Millennials are drinking less because alcohol but are still in danger of alcoholism. We drink a lot, socially. We also drink a lot of coffee. We need the caffeine to stay awake because we're over worked and/or depressed. On top of all of that we don't have meaningful fulfilling relationships. I'm not talking just romantic relationship. We need healthy, serious, long-term platonic relationships too. These platonic relationships need a level of physical non sexual intimacy. If we aren't eating healthy, our water is dangerous, we have alcohol or caffeine addictions, and we're lonely as hell. I don't think anyone is thriving in those conditions. This is an  inferior quality of life which constitutes being impoverished.

How come when we're hungry for food nobody says maybe you should sit with the feeling until you are okay with starving. But when you're hungry for companionship you have to one how to be alone first. Loneliness is as much of a hunger as thirst and sleepiness. Humans are social creatures and in this age of isolation the need for connection is as necessary as eating and drinking clean water. However, getting that connection is becoming as hard as eating healthy and drinking clean water. We are all hooking up to feel something just like we're eating fast food just to eat. We use GrubHub, Seamless, Door Dash, Tindr, Bumble, and Match all to fill a hunger.

We are more understanding of unhealthy eating habits and we treat the underlying cause. We don't want people starving themselves or binge eating. We generally don't excuse excessive drinking either (of any beverage not just alcohol). Just like people develop unhealthy hunger or thirst we also develop unhealthy loneliness. But unless it gets extreme we don't really do anything about it. If it's not an abusive relationship we don't really try to fix it. Our hook-up culture is already extreme. It's a shows a we have epidemic of loneliness. It's unhealthy but we aren't trying to fix it. We have such a focus on romantic relationships we forget that it's important to have friends too. We have friends but only virtually. That's extreme. It's all unhealthy and we should be working to be better.

We are all trying to be so independent and not need anyone. We don't want to get hurt and don't want to be dependent. It's almost like if we want any kind of consistent connection with someone that makes us vulnerable. We don't want someone to have that power. But we are suppose to be connected. We can not survive completely isolated. We are coping by having plants and pets but it's not the same. We should get hugs everyday. We should hold hands. We should have an abundance of meaningful touch through out the day.We have so much technology that allows us to be so connected we forget the importance of physical connection. Snuggling, cuddling, locking arms, rubbing someone's back, resting on someone's lap, any innocent touch.

Daily struggles

I get drunk and gush about how amazing, talented, loving, supportive, and pretty my friends are.

Daily struggles

Little girl saw me with my back pack. Her dad was telling her to bring home her folder everyday. I told him my dad used to make me bring all my school books home everyday and that it made a difference in my life. Then I told her what I'm going to do once I'm done with school. She was like engineers can make anything and was so impressed. I confidently replied yes and watched her little head explode

Skittles: the queer tribe

I don't know much about indigenous cultures. I need to learn in order to find and learn about my heritage. So I know nothing. I don't know if we're doing it right or if we're even allowed to do it. But a group of queer indigenous people who are disconnected from their people formed a tribe. For example a queer person who is Navajo may not have any other Navajo people to celebrate with, to be in community with. So they bring their tradition to our group and do it with us. I can't find my any of my great-grandmothers' records. I know 2 of my great grandmother's  were 100% indigenous. But I can't find out which tribe either of them belong to so I am joining the group. I get to have a tribe. We have a leader we're learning different languages and traditions. We're spending a lot of time together. We are really helping each other. I think this is going to be a really beautiful development in my life. I've always wanted this. I have people and I'm so happy.

Skit: bi day 2019

Happy bi day. I'm still bi even though my type has changed drastically.

Daily struggles

Me: I hate dating. Why am I doing this?

Husband #7: Because you don't want to be alone forever.

Me: But there's no rule that says I have to date?

Husband #7: No, you can die alone.

Me: Cool, then I'm not dating. I have friends I'll be fine.

I had a relationship so short it didn't even make it to the blog. I'm poly and still with Latka but I broke up with the other person that I was seeing

Skit: The Longing Created from African Diaspora

Slavery stole people, erased languages, wiped out entire tribes, killed at least 5 million people of color (the journey, the diseases, the beatings, the killings, uprising, ECT), broke up families, eradicate religions, and obliterated cultures. As a descendant of slaves, the thing I want more than anything in the world is a culture. I want to know who my people were. My blood does not come from this land, despite how much it bleeds here.

I watch every other person of color have culture. I listen holding my breath to my friend's 92 year old grandmother tell me about Ganesh and other Hindi stories. She tells me about how her customs are different than her son-in-law's who is from the east while she is from South India. I'm entranced as my friend's aunt tells me her town is near Maya ruins and she can trace her traditions back to them. That there were different cultures even with in the Mayans. How each subculture has a variation of the same food, like a tamale, and that's a good way to tell them apart. I go to the public communal gatherings of Illinois's Indigenous People, their music and dances pasted down for generations. I am jealous of my Eritrean friend's traditional habesha kemis.

I spend my time learning about as many cultures of people of color as I can. I live vicariously through these culture. With the knowledge and time that people spent teaching me, I'm as proud as I'm allowed to be. It's a love and pride by association. I feel at home on boats from learning from Filipino people as well Iroquois. I can dance to several different south African drum beats. But none of it is mine. They might take me in but it's not my homeland. I'm a culture refugee. I have to be let in I can't just walk in the door. It's a privilege to be allowed in. I know that the same access can be denied at anytime. What if they decide to kick me out? Tell me to go back home? Where is that?

There is black culture in America but it's so young. I want more than what currently exist. The problems we face have never been faced before. We don't have a history of how to handle it. We don't have a cohesiveness either. No holidays, no religions, no system that organizes us, no medicine, no land and no customs. We are constantly undermined by a government, by a country that always oppressed us. They are constantly erasing our history and destroying any foothold we get at establishing ourselves. We have a common enemy, music, food, dance, a bonnet, and an emerging language. I've studied it all. When/ If Black America ever makes it as a culture where will we be from? This land isn't ours. We will be homelandless. Will people still be on this planet long enough for us to establish the culture? We will the white people stop robbing us of culture? I want to appreciate my culture not be part of creating it.

I long for something already established not something trying to grow. Plus, I had culture, it was somewhere in Africa. But it's gone and so I'm just suppose to create a new one? What about the centuries lost? There has to be something that survived? The kicker is even if something survived slavery destroyed so many unique cultures that we wouldn't know who it might belong to.  It's not like slavery just wiped out the Incas, 1 large unique nation. Slavery wiped out a lot of particular nations without recording any data. Cultures that had mostly oral traditions and not a lot of written or permanent documentation. Just imagine finding a ancient grave site in the area where the slave trade was. Who are those people? We may never know because we erased their lineage's culture from history. There's a permit gap in the middle of the story that we will never get back.

I want a chance at having a story. One that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. But the middle of story has been ripped out and burned. The story has to continue. But how are we supposed to write an ending? Can an author finish an epic with no knowledge of its past? The cohesive timeline has been destroyed so does it even matter? With the middle missing no reader will ever be able to make heads or tails of it. It almost impossible to write an end that would make sense anyway. So I understand the desire not to try. But we can't start a new book. We have to continue the current one. I would think one would rewrite the middle. And maybe that's what we're doing as best we can. As much as we long for the earlier additions to the saga they have been destroyed. So we mourn for what's lost and we rewrite as best we can.

Daily struggle

I just finished the pride series and all the spin offs from over a year ago. I still have 2 writing projects that I've written but haven't typed up yet -_-

#YASSSSSS misconceptions: Bi-spin off ep3

"No one is 100% Bisexual"
I hate when people say that they don't believe bisexual exist. Like bisexual are some mythical creatures too outlandish to be real. The news headline will never read "Spoiler Alert: bisexuals to be featured a lot in fantastic beasts as one of the rarest creatures." Of COURSE WE EXIST! People believe in Noah's Arch, Santa Claus, Bigfoot, yetis, Nessy The loch Ness monster, faires, that the Earth is flat, that women can control their periods without medicine (I think that they think we control it with our minds), and a whole lot of other far fetched ideas. But bisexuality is to wild of theory to be real. There is no scientifically accredited evidence that vaccines cause autism. There is plenty of scientific evident supporting bisexuality. You can see bisexuals but you can't see the oxygen in the air you breath.

***Side not***
Even when it's cold outside, that's the condensation of the moisture not the actual oxygen. Not in bubbles or balloons you blow either. The gas you see trapped is a mixture of oxygen bonded with I higher amount of carbon. I mean you can't see pure oxygen. Yes I'm aware the oxygen we breath is a mix of carbon, nitrogen, and a few other gasses. But we only use the oxygen from the air in breathing.
******
Point is bisexuals are real and there's no right way to be bisexual.

As a Bisexual I have definitely asked other bisexuals with the their percentile breakdown is. Not in a your not a full bisexual way though. Asking what percent are they to each gender (in a binary world). If I like women 75% men 25% that does not make me 25% straight. Having a preference for one gender over the others does not make a percent straight vs. gay. If I like men more that does not make me straight. If I prefer women that doesn't make gay. Bisexuals that aren't 50/50 are still 100% bisexual. You can be 99/1 still bisexual. You can be cismem/transwomen, still bisexual. You can be Agender/Non Binary still 100% bisexual.
We're not a pie chart. All forms of bisexuality are 100% vaild. All one needs to be 100% bisexual is say your Bisexual.

Daily struggles

Why don't people understand menstruation? By people I mean the government and the men in it. Every time I read a story about the horrible conditions of people with uteruses is in any type of detention or prison system they can't seem to get this right. Migrant children in detention centers are bleeding though their pants. They're only allotted one pad per day which is not nearly enough. Give people menstrual supplies!!!

Skit: health care

As a millennial who is severely under employed healthcare is important to me. As a 25-year-old who is about to lose their parents insurance healthcare is important to me. As someone who's anatomy basically means family planning is up to them healthcare is important to me. As a very liberal snowflake who thinks healthcare should be free healthcare is important to me. As someone who gets sick a lot healthcare is important to me. As someone who has a few chronic and lifetime illnesses healthcare is important. But as someone born with (and still has) a uterus+, and skin that ranges from Sambuca to Chamois I'm not important to healthcare.

Black people and women, which I am both*, don't received the same standard of healthcare as white people or men. Women's pain tends to be ignored. Women's mental states tend to be seriously overlook, neglected, or left out completely when it comes to formulating a diagnosis. Women's health issues tend to be blamed on various things that specific to the non male anatomy (different hormone levels, uteruses, periods, pregnancy, ect). Women are often treated us hysterical instead of being taken seriously. Black people also aren't treated fairly when it comes to pain; often not receiving the medicine or treatment to deal with the pain. There are many misconceptions in the medical community. Apparently white doctors think black people have thicker skin, that black people pain is inevitable, many are lying to get drugs, and that our nerves don't feel pain the same way.

Not taking black people seriously has lead to higher death rates for black people in America. Black people are more likely to die from a stroke because of medical professionals. Black people with cancer or more likely to go on diagnosed and then die due to detecting it so late. Black people tend to go undiagnosed longer as well. A lot of mental health issues go undiagnosed in the black community. They also tend to have STDs longer because those also go undiagnosed.

Not taking women seriously has led to high mortality rates during childbirth. America ranks last among developed countries when it comes to pregnancy care. Women are more like from heart disease, stroke, the flue, and pneumonia. No one should be dying of the flue. Medical professionals write off women so much that we are drying of the flue. Medical professionals are also leaving women undiagnosed. That leads to blood poisoning from toxins building up in the body. Health issues around periods often goes undiagnosed. Doctors don't take women seriously when we talk about the pain of a period or the length.

There are some things that are medically relevant about black people and women that medical professionals should be aware of. It is harder to find donor organs for black people. Lab results involving blood should have different averages set for black people because our blood is different**. Black people tend to absorb less UV rays however are more likely to go on diagnosed for skin cancer. Black people tend be anemic and have a vitamin D deficiency°. Black people have a high chance of fibrosis. Women display different symptoms for heart attack. Osteoarthritis affects more women than men. Women tend to be more aware of pain than men. Women tend to have higher stress levels than men as well.  A women's period and hormone effect how well medicines work. Women's hormones and menstrual cycle effect their mental health and should be taken into consideration when treating their mental health issues. My psychiatrist had to change all my medications when I got an IUD.

The health care field treats more than just white men so maybe they should study more than just white men. If doctors aren't going to address their bias then we need to standardize care. Some hospitals are weighing sponges and towels to show exactly how much blood is being lost. Some hospitals are requiring specific test if you present with certain symptoms. But as a black woman I deserve more than that. I should be included in medical testing. I should be thought about when it comes to medical screening (no white person's notice light bruising on my skin, I might not even notice). But most importantly I should be taking seriously. Small children are hard to treat because they can't tell you what's wrong. I can! I can answer questions. I can give more detail. I want to get better. But if my doctor ignores me and treats me like a uncommunicative child how are they going to figure out what's wrong with me?

+: Vagina, fallopian tubes, ovaries, and a clitoris. (The non phallic common reproductive system)

*: For the sake of the argument, because doctors don't ask what my gender identity is, and when it comes to medical treatment I am a women.

**:hemoglobin, mean corpuscular volume (MCV), serum transferrin saturation (TS), serum ferritin, and white blood cell count as parts per million

°: Vitamin D, is produced in mammalian skin upon exposure to UV rays from the sun. Because black skin  absorbs less UV rays than white people we produce less vitamin D

Daily struggles

To the girl who faked being trans. That's sick and messed up. Being trans is no joke and is hard. Also she is feeding the hate of people who think that trans people are fake. Feeding the hate of people who think that people choose to be trans. Feeding the hate of people who think people lie about being trans to device people.

Skit: Missing "Gender"

I realize I don't talk about my gender much. I am non binary, neither female or male. I meet a lot of non binary people but none like myself. I meet a lot of trans people but none like me. Everyone else has spent a great amount of time thinking about their gender, trying to get to a concrete well flushed out definition. Gender is an integral part of who they are as a person. It's an important part of who they are. They dress a certain way because it helps them feel more like theirselves.

Then there's me. My dad never really treated me only like a girl. He did of lot of things a Dad would  stereotypically do with the son with me as well. My siblings never treated me just as a girl. My friends treated me as a mix most of my life. I've just been me this whole time. I never really stopped to think that I wasn't a female because nobody treated me as solely female. I never stopped to think if I was male or not because I've never just been treated as a boy. I'm treated the way I want to be by the people I love. I don't really care what outsiders think of me. Strangers miss gender me all the time but I don't care. I know I don't "look" whatever my actual gender is. I don't have a real grasp on my gender. I didn't have to think about it until I was 18. I was actually bewildered and confused when someone asked me what my gender was. Nobody had ever asked me before. I never had to think about it. I obviously have a gender but I still haven't polished it out. I'm going with generally non binary cuz it is the only one that feels similar to who I am. I know it's important to figure it out, because it's part of knowing who you are. But it's not going to change how I am, or how my friends treat me. It's more for strangers. Therefore, I'm not treating it with any urgency

Skit: Re: Bad. Bad Humans. Bad

6In response to aforementioned post, I decided to make a list of how we can be better. The responses are in the same order as the original post. There's no use complaining if you don't have any a solutions. The asterisk* means: this assumes that public higher education, trade schools, and universal Health Care are free. Aka funded through taxes and paid by the government.

It's 2019! Here's how you could be better

°Problems that effect a large group of people are usually systemic. It is difficult to dismantle that system but in doing so ensures a lasting solution. Also blame the rich
°Almost every ethnic  has something to be ashamed of, and that's fine. Accept that shame and make sure you learned from their mistakes. Also pride in your own culture doesn't mean putting down others.
°Empathize, learn, and try to understand about all races.
°Learn to accept, not fear, change. Different doesn't mean bad.
°Don't round up a specific group of people and constitutionally detain them.
°Don't separate families unnecessarily
°Don't take children from their parents unnecessarily
°Hire more public defenders and make them accessible to people and immigration court.
°Respect & acknowledge consent then act accordingly
°It is fine to defend against unverified allegations. It is fair to defend someone who has learned from their mistake and is a changed person. It is also fair to defend against exiling the person. Rapists need to be rehabilitated to the process requires support.
°Pass Laws to legalize Sex Work. It's been around for ages and is not going anywhere. Legalization would give oversight and protections.
°Fix our broken justice system with some black and white rules. Obviously not every case will fit into these black and white rules and thus will require  more deliberation but in general.
°When you can make choices that are better for the environment
°Understand that gender is a general social construct that is suppose to make life easier to understand not control people, perpetuate hate, and/or limit people.
°Fight for equal pay
°Understand bodies and minds work differently and that difference shouldn't determined  someone's access
°Stop mass murdering specific groups of people
°Look for (and then implement) ways one can divest from Israel
°Start a marketing campaign for our national parks to increase visitation by 300%. That way we don't allow companies to drill in them for our governments profit.
°Invest in upkeep of our national parks so that more people are visiting. Then we won't sell the land it will be unpopular in public opinion.
°Fund our national Parks so they don't have to close
°Tax the rich their fair share of taxes while also closing all of their loopholes which help only the rich avoid paying their fair share of taxes
°Raise the federal minimum wage to a livable wage based on the state with the highest cost of  living
° Repeal"At Will" Labor Laws
°Push Congress to create  and pass a plan to fund a massive project to overhaul are infrastructure
°Revamp and fix our immigration system starting with hiring more people
°Get FDA approved male birth control and hold men as accountable in pregnancies
°Treat drug addictions as the illnesses it is.
°Set up standers for prison conditions and the system that is prison that require the prison to be reformative
°In theory private prisons aren't a bad idea. They remove a financial burden from the government. However, there needs to be strict oversight in how they operate and make their money. For instance they should not be able to charge the government for not keeping the prison full. Also they shouldn't be able to exploit the inmates for free labor.
°Rehabilitating the inmates. Again making sure by the time that the inmates leave the prison they have skills and experience that are in demand  in the the economy thus almost ensuring them a job. Private prison should get some federal funding so that they can educate, teach, treat, and offer therapy to inmates. They should get federal money that goes to free college +high school education, free trade schools, and free health care that includes mental/behavioral Health care*
°Treating of people with mental illness for free*
°A economic system that has a competitive price system and markets that keep cost low for consumers. Operates using the principle of Efficiency of Economic and the belief that economic inequality is bad for society (thus bad for the domestic economy). The government is responsible for reducing said economic inequality via programs that benefit the poor. Is consumer choice driven and there is equal opportunity for all. While also fueling a need to improve. Large-scale industries must benefit society as a whole.
°Restoring the Environment for profit. In our current economic system I think that it will have to be lucrative endeavor to fix the environment. If people could make more money off of restoring and fixing the environment than they make money off of destroying the environment then I think we would choose to restore.
°Government oversight for pricing in the Medical and Pharmaceutical Industry
°Revamping and streamlining the immigration system that also involves hiring more people to process the high volume of immigration request.
°Federal protections for employees force companies to act in their employees best interest  and protect their basic needs
°Remove legal loopholes that allow corporations to deny their employees health benefits and accommodations of basic human needs (bathroom and lunch break)
°Remove legal loopholes that allow companies and businesses to under pay their employees.
°More unions
°Remove legal loopholes that allow companies to under pay their employees with disabilities
°Work towards social economical equality through government programs and initiatives. A modern-day Friedman's bureau.
°Free education and healthcare.* Plus a thriving economy that basically guarantees quality standard of living for all
°Making sure Pre K - 12 education includes music, art, recess, physical education, and access to modern technology at every grade level
°Manageable classrooms based on student behavior and academic level of preformance
°Fund schools so that they can meet the needs of the students. Fund schools so that teachers no longer buy their own supplies out of their own pocket. Fund schools so that schools are equipped with everything they needs to educate students.
°Schools that meet basic human needs: working heat for when it's cold, working air conditioning when it's hot, functional water fountains with drinkable water, lights that work, and electricity. The school should also have school furniture all in working order and the school building is not in a state of disrepair
°Replace all lead pipes used for water
°Be proactive against the reasons why violence occurs in schools. Stop it before it starts
°Security guards in schools there to protect the school from external threats only.
°Learn the signs of a student on the edge and address the problem before it escalates. Teach and prepare students how to cope with stress in a positive way.
° The Untied States of America adopt almost identical gun laws to Switzerland and Japan
° Make sure schools have enough full time nurses, counselors/therapist, and social workers/ future planners to meet the needs of the students
°Every School has full-time nurses, counselors, and therapist
°Removing racial profiling as a technique and add racial implications to an overall mental and personal profile of a criminal. Also retain cops and focus on descalation.  Lethal force should be a last resort. Descalation should be first, physical combat to subdue should be next, Injuring to eliminate the threat would follow, lethal force should always be a last resort. Cops should be so well trained they don't really fear for their life when facing a civilian. Also stop hiring abusers and people who are not mentally right for the job (white supremacists, narcissist, violent personalities, ect).
°Anyone who murders in cold blood on purpose (not in defense) should face the consequences. Cops are not above that.
°Cops going to jail serving the just amount of time for killing black people and other people of color just like they would for white people.
°Cops killing unarmed Black People, being tried, convicted, and sentenced to an adequate amount of time in prison
°Trans women's (especially women of color) not being unproportionately murdered.
°Trans women (especially women of color) not being targets of violence
°Fixing our justice system while also giving poor people the resources they need to live. Instead of a school prison pipeline, a school to blue collar job pipeline.
°White people getting the fuck over themselves. Realizing guilt isn't going to make anything better. As a demographic white people are shitty. The only way to change that is for every single white person that doesn't like that  to become comrades in the movement. Educate other white people. Keep other white people from being bad white people. You see a white person making a racist comment, or being generally obtuse, call them out. White people need to make other white people better
°Men go to therapy. Men need to cry. Men need to get in touch with , process, and deal with their feelings in a healthy manner. Also treat non men as people. Give non men the same respect you would a man.
°White people please realize people call you out not to hurt your feelings but to tell you your wrong so you can be better. If white people weren't causing real harm and hurt and y'all were just being ignorant (and if people didn't care about your lack of knowledge), we wouldn't say anything. But white people causing real pain and trauma, a disreportional amount as a demographic. No one knows the causing they are causing harm until someone says something. That's why people speak up. So white people will know and hopefully adjust accordingly. Calling people out isn't about hurting them or making them feel guilty it's so that you change. White people, stop letting your guilt and hurt feelings keep you all from having the realization that your actions are negatively affecting people. Realize and then stop doing the thing causing the harm.
°When you have hate just admit it. You don't need to justify hate. It's a feeling. If hate brings you to war just say that. Don't try to cover up there hate with lies. If you have hate, own it.
°Queer people (especially people color) being loved and supported like the regular people that they are.
°therapy and rehabilitation for people who commit domestic abuse too.
°The United States of America  minding it's own fucking business. Solving some of their own internal problems
°America's ending it's wars in the Middle East.
°Write, pass, and ratify a constitutional amendment to prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity in employment, housing, public accommodations, public education, federal funding, credit, and the jury system.
°One More state ratifying Equal Rights Act (Congress do a little bit more too but...)
°Feminism that is inclusive of all women  because that's part of what feminism is about
°Federally legalization of marijuana
°Expunging marijuana charges.
° Ajust and equitable treaty between the US and Indigenous People
°Not taking any more of Indigenous People's land
° Not polluting water
°Treating Indigenous People equitably and justly

Skit: Bad. Bad humans. Bad

Just in case we need a refresher in 2019 of what is unacceptable I have made a list. The majority of things that I'm touching on are endemic to the United States of America. However, the general ideas are applicable to the current humans species.
It's 2019! Get your shit together humans!
°Nazis
°White Supremacist
°Racism
°Xenophobia
°Concentration Camps
°Putting Children in Cages
°Stealing Children from their Parents
°Not offering defendants in every court a public defender/ public attorney/ legal representation
°Rape
°Defending rapist in an attempt to dismiss or offset the act of raping someone
°Sex Trafficking
°using power in privilege to escape/avoid justice
°Destroying the Environment out of Laziness
°Sexism
°gender factoring in the how much you make
°Ableism
°Genocide
°Supporting Israel's continued attempts to wipe out Palestine
°Drilling and Deforestation in National Parks
°Rezoning land so that it is no longer part of the National Parks so that companies can use that land (usually means deforestation and/or drilling)
°Permanently Closing and selling national parks (but really parks of any kind so that companies can have that land
°Taxing the poor and middle class more than the rich
°Minimum wage being below livable wage
°"At Will" Labor Laws
°Standing ideally by as infrastructure disintegrates
°Building a Border Wall
°Legally limiting beneficial and safe reproductive care for adults (abortion bans)
°The Criminal and Incarceration aspects of the war on drugs
°Private Prisons for Profit
°Private Prisons
°Using Prison Labor for Free Labor (a form of indentured servitude which is one step away from slavery)
°Criminalization of people with mental illness
°American Capitalism
°Destroying the Environment for profit and/or pure laziness
°The lack of Government oversight for pricing in the Medical and Pharmaceutical Industry
°The Broken Immigration System
°Corporations inhumane treatment of their employees
°Legal loopholes that allow corporations to deny their employees health benefits and accommodations of basic human needs (bathroom and lunch break)
°Legal loopholes that allow companies and businesses to under pay their employees.
°Union busting
°Legal loopholes that allow companies to under pay their employees with disabilities
°Racially segregateing communities by systematically financially disenfranchising people of color
°Denying basis education, healthcare, and a quality standard of living on the basis of money.
°removing music, art, recess, physical education, and access to modern technology from education and still calling it a quality education
°overcrowded classrooms
°underfunded schools
°schools without heat and air conditioning
°The fact that lead pipes are still like use for water
°Cops in schools
°Armed security guards in schools
°School Shootings
°America's lax gun laws
°Cops/security guards in schools that don't have full time nurses, counselors/therapist, or social worker/ future planner
°Schools without full-time nurses, counselors, and therapist
°Cops killing unarmed Black People
°Cops killing unarmed Black People and keeping there job, being transferred, or  pension (retiring in early)
°Black People murder by the police never getting the justice they deserve
°Cops killing unarmed Black People and not going to prison
°Trans women's (especially women of color) murders going unsolved.
°Trans women (especially women of color) being disproportionately murdered
°The over criminalization of black and brown people
°white people getting hung up on their white guilt and thus not getting to the point where they can be comrades in the movement
°Toxic Masculinity
°White Fragility
°Using Religion to justify Hate and War
°Queer people (especially people color) disproportionately committing suicide
°Domestic Violence
°The United States of America  destabilizing other countries
°America's wars in the Middle East.
°The fact that there's no constitutional protection to prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity in employment, housing, public accommodations, public education, federal funding, credit, and the jury system.
°The fact that the Equal Rights Amendment still needs to be ratified by 1 more state to pass* (Congress do a little bit more too but...)
°feminism that doesn't include women of color, queer women, and/or women of different ability statuses (by the way if it's not inclusive of all women then it's not feminism)
°People serving prison sentences for sell, buy, or using marijuana
°People who are still technically a felon because of marijuana charges.
°Screwing over Indigenous People
°Taking Indigenous People's land
°Polluting Indigenous People's Water
°Treating Indigenous People Unjustly

Seriously!

#T misconceptions: Bi-spin off ep2

I don't know if I ever shared stories of how I was a womanizer in high school.  I mean as much of a womanizer as a high schooler could be. I wasn't really sleeping around as I was dating a lot of girls and breaking their hearts. All of this is to say I've never been good at being slutty. I find that a lot of bisexual people are just as awkward and socially inept as I am.

"Bisexuals are cheaters."  "Bisexuals are sluts." "Bisexuals are greedy."

First off bisexuals aren't greedy because you can't own people. Slavery is illegal worldwide. Even if when one is in a relationship no one owns their partner. Not even a marriage. So someone who has a lot of romantic relationship is not greedy. They're not hoarding their partners. Because humans can't own one another.

I know how this stereotype got started. Its because (in a binary world) we are attracted to both genders so everyone thinks we are more promiscuous. Also if a person enjoys both genders wouldn't at some point they miss not having the other gender if they are in a monogamous relationship. But here's how it feels. It feels like everyone thinks all Bisexuals sit down at some point early on in their bisexuality and think to themselves: " Gee, since I'm Bisexual I can sleep with ~75% of the human population, if they consent. I should go out and get started now." or "How can I sleep with the majority of the current human population? I guess I'll have to be bisexual."  Bisexuals are not their reincarnation of the Greek god Zeus! If someone wants to be a slut, let them be. It's none of anyone else's business. Someone's sexual orientation does not make them more likely to be a slut or unfaithful.  A group of people of a certain sexuality might to be more promiscuous because their community allows it. That is more for reflection on the community than they identity itself. Some bisexuals are cheaters and/or sluts. There are bisexuals that prefer to wait, take their time, are picky, abstinent I've taken a vow of chastity. I have yet to meet this mythical bisexual trying to sleep with everyone willing to sleep with them. So if you're worried that you're bisexual love interest might be a slut and/or cheat on you purely because they bisexual nature compels them too, then I regret to inform you that that is a myth.  Bisexual nature compels them to like bi puns and sit awkwardly, that is all. If by chance lucky homosapien fancies another person and that person happens to be bisexual and said homosapien ever tells that majestic bisexual "I'm glad you're not like the other bisexuals, and actually faithful." Said homosapien better hope and pray that the ethereal bisexuals doesn't punch them in their face. That homosapien will never be cheated on by the glorious bisexual because hopefully that bisexual knows they are divine beyond all words and wouldn't date such trash. Some bisexuals cheat. It isn't about the sexuality it's about the character of the person. Bisexuals are not a hive mind. Bisexuals are people just like everyone else unless they're Zeus. Then they're seccrazed God

Slut meaning someone who has sex with a lot of different people because they want to

#Werk misconceptions: Bi-spin off ep1

I only came here for the puns. Half of my life as a bisexual (things that only relate to my sexuality not my entire life) are bisexual puns. The other half is finding a lot of people attractive but being to awkward to do anything about it.

"Being bisexual is just a phase."
It's probably not a phase, but I understand where this one comes from.
I have found that a lot of men in my generation, millennials, came out as bisexual first. I would like to point out that in my experience every gay boy that came out as bisexual first was fully aware that he was 100% homosexual. For some reason people (parents, family, friends, ect) tend to react to coming out as bisexual better. There's less of a chance of complete rejection, hate, and physical violence. It is often safer to come out as bisexual first and ease people into tolerance for acceptance of the queer community. When I told my Dad, he was happy because " I still have a chance at n having grand children." I understand that he wants biological grandchildren. But my sexuality no matter what it is completely rules out biological grandchildren. Also any parent who loves their child less based on the contingencies of marriage and grand children is shitty. I would hope a parent loves their child and what's best for them which includes what will make them the happiest.

Sexuality evolves with the person. People continue to change until they die. One of the things that can change along with taste in food, music, and fashion, is taste in people (sexuality is part of that). What someone is attracted to may widen, narrow, fluctuate, or cease to matter all together. A 16 year old boy is attracted to highschool girls. It would be ridiculous and perverse if that same man at 32 was still attracted to girls who looked like they were (and might still be in) highschool. When it comes to attraction for personality someone drawn to, what values they want their partners to have tend to change as well. Is it such a big leap for what someone friends physically attractive , with an emphasis on gender expression, or what anatomy someone prefers to change as well? Any sexuality can be a phase because we as humans go throw phase. We as people are constantly maturing and growing. I still identify as bisexual even through my sexuality sexuality actually aligns more the technical definition of Skoliosexual. Which when I wrote this (2017) was called Centrosexual or Lithrosexual. Basically it was in it's infancy as a term. Skoliosexual: being sexually attracted to people who under the Non-binary umbrella. See helpful picture I found on the internet.

Trans umbrella under which the Non-binary umbrella resides. Identities that don't belong under the trans umbrella are as follows: masculine women, feminine men, Drag King/Queens, and Crossdressers

This is the Non-binary umbrella the picture after this will list a lot of identities and their flags that fall under this umbrella.

Sexuality can be a phase but to dismiss someone's sexuality is hurtful and rude.

Daily struggle

Me: Every time I plan a trip to New Orleans it gets hit with hurricane.

Husband #7 (Best friend): The last time you planned a trip to New Orleans was 2005? You love New Orleans. Why did you wait so long?

Me: I go so infrequently because I gain 5 lb every time I'm there. Also it takes a few years for that city to bounce back after a hurricane.

Husband #7: Valid, but you've been there quite a bit since 2008?

Me: Yeah with my dad. I don't get to go without my family and really enjoy the city how I want to. Every time I want to go, it's underwater.

Husband #7: To be fair it's always underwater. It was built below sea level which is a key design flaw. It shouldn't exist. In all honesty the ocean has every right to be there.

Me: Stop trying to keep me from my delicious food, my magical wonderland, and easily the best party city. New Orleans is the closest thing to the mythical city of Atlantis. This one can't sink too.

Skit: women's soccer

Now a days I rarely find myself singing the praises of white women. I'm still angry about the fact that as a demographic they voting for politicians that want to roll back women's rights. As a demographic they keeps supporting rapists. As a demographic they keep supporting the wage gap. As a demographic they are generally against the interest of all women. However, I'm going to go out on a limb and hope that the women of the USA soccer team do not support views that I would say are in conflict with my right to happiness, life and liberty.

With that said, those women are fucking bosses. They are consistently world champions. They are the best in their field. You can usually find them winning their soccer matches, or celebrating a recent win. They are great role models for young girls. They play with their hearts and passionately. They are dedicated athletes. Which can be demonstrated how much time they spend training. As far as soccer players goes they are amazing women. Who for some reason don't get paid as much as their male counterparts.

They are paid drastically less for 3 times the talent, qualifications, and execution of duties. Despite the fact that in any way one could judge a soccer player, the USA women's team is exceptionally better. They are better than USA's men's team statistically, performance wise, in athletic ability, in money made, and in fan base. They've won more world cup games then times men have ever qualified for the world cup. The women's soccer team have more trophies than the men's team has players. The men's team has NEVER won a FIFA world cup. They men have won 6 CONCACAF Gold Cups. The men have Never won gold in Olympics. The Women's team have: 4 world cups, 4 golds in the Olympics, 6 CONCACAF Gold Cups, and 10 Algarve Cup. Yet the women are paid less. That's like if the shitty off-brand costs more than the objectively better name brand. One would just buy the name brand. Why would someone pay 3 times more for Michelle Williams when you could have Beyonce for less? If I was on the team getting paid what they are being paid I wouldn't even try to win a game much less a world cup.

They are also criticized and chastise for their the way they behave. They have been called unsportsmanlike and unlady like. I didn't know you needed to be lady like to win the world cup. I don't know how their on field performance could reflect on who they are as women. It would be exhausting if on top of being world class soccer players they had to do it in a fashion that's communicated their gender. How does one score of goal like in a stereotypically feminine fashion? Based on what they are getting paid no should be making extra erroneous demands of the USA Women's soccer team. When they celebrate a goal or win it is said that the women's sportsmanship is unbecoming. If you watch a men's soccer game they are so highly animated. I think I was watching Chicago's men's soccer team, one guy made a good pass and then did a backflip to celebrate. He didn't score they didn't win the game it was just a little thing and he did a backflip. Do you know what the announcer said? The announcer said his actions were an act of passion. When the men are overly zealous it's passion but when the women do it it's a disgrace and disrespectful.

The sexism in the sports industry is ridiculous. It is probably one of the only industries still so unchanged by feminism. Female athletes have been saying this for a long time. But now the women are starting to out preform the men. Today it is often more enjoyable to watch women in the sport than it is their male counterparts. That means we are finally listening to the women when they say they are being treated unfairly. Now that some of our top athletes are female we are starting to pay attention. We all watched as Serena Williams was scrutinized. She is being targeted and over regulated. The USA's female soccer team are not being monetarily appreciated. However, I think because Serena and the women's team are winners that they will also win they're civil suits. Also it's important to note that equal pay for the women's team would not mean being paid the same as the men. USA's men's team is full of a bunch of losers. The women should be paid more than the men because the women win more. We pay our best basketball teams more. We pay our the top players in the league more. The women are the best in the league and the best team. We should support the women like we do the men. Feminism is not just in the schools or the board room. It's also on the tennis court, the fairway, field, track, and on the ice. Sexism is unsportsmanlike conduct and should be penalized.

Skittles: Now I can love you

I had a really messy and emotionally heavy weekend with Lovely at World Pride. It was rough. The short version is I'm depressed, I'm in love with her, I'm easy jealous of the people she shows interest in, everyday was a long day, we were in a group of about 10 people, it was really hot (90°F), I was really irritable, I'm shy, and one of her friends ended up overdosing on an opioid. The worst time was realizing Lovely was infatuated with her friend. Thinking they left me with the group to hooked up with said friend. Being constantly reminded the value of my life in other people's eyes. All of the police being in these queer spaces. The best time was taking care of high Lovely. She is a blast high. Crying together as queer people of color. Bonding while taking care of the friend who over dosed.

I have a hard time with my relationship with Lovely because it is so multi fascinated. I love her in away that is detrimental to all of our relationships. The love is detrimental not because it is not reciprocated. But because I felt it was not valued. If I take anything away from this weekend it would be that I am important to Lovely. She trust me as much as I trust her and values me. Despite our polar opposite personalities I think my relationships with her are the healthiest relationships I have or have ever had.

I think that because of the stress of the entire weekend we just broke under pressure. That break down of pure vulnerability is what got us to open up. We had a heart to heart talk. I wasn't being gaurded and she wasn't mad at me for keeping her away. When someone is dying you don't think, you do. But after when things are settled you have to process everything that just happened. I cried early and it wasn't my friend so I was okay.
***Side note***
Growing up it the city really desensitized me. Gun shots or fireworks was very much a game to me growing up. Just neglecting the fact that this meant people were dying. I've never lost anyone to drugs before but people from my neighborhood have died from overdoses. I always thought "you were dumb enough to do drugs, natural selection at work." But watching what a drug I was prescribed did to me when I didn't have it was worse than what it was helping me with. In that way I could have easily formed an addiction. The only reason I stopped was because of a mistake that the pharmacy made that caused me not to have my medicine. I was so close to being addicted.
******
Lovely cried her eyes out having dealt with an opioid addiction herself. This drug that her friend did could have killed her if she would have had the money for a larger dose. I watched the person I care so much for devolve. All I could do is hold her. But that was enough.

I feel better now that we have talked. I realized I was jealous because I didn't feel valued. After this weekend I know she cares and that all I've ever wanted.

Skittles: pride post, birthday post?

I have a piece I've been working on all year. I haven't finished it because I'm lazy and also work too much. Will it get published? Will I then do a post about being 25? Will I ever finish last year's pride series? Will I do a post this year for pride? Who knows? Defiantly not me.

Daily struggles

If you ever wanted to know who my little brother was, what is like as a person, or what he looks like look up Lil Nas X. They look the same, they act the same, and they believe in the same things. I'm not sure my brother isn't in fact Lil Nas.

Daily struggles

I know I'm late on the "Community" band wagon but:
1. 6 seasons and a movie
2. Troy and Abed in the morning
3. What's going on in the other 5 timelines?
4. Dreamatorium.
5. I want a Shirley sandwich so bad.
6. They Brittad season 4&5

Skittles: Where is the pain of heartbreak?

I am mourning the death of my relationship with Amoriartii. It is over. We're not friends, lovers, or even acquaintances. That is the hardest part for me not even being friends. I feel like I lost part of myself that I really liked because we were so similar. I had so much to say. I was/am so sorry. I wanted to apologize. I still will but I want to wait a bit. God, I loved them. I still do. It's a different love, or it will be. I'm not okay but I'm not in pain. This doesn't hurt and I'm very suspicious. I keep waiting for it to hurt. I honestly believe this will be the most excruciating break up I've ever or will ever have. I've only ever known the end of love to be painful. I'm sad. I miss them. There's definitely a longing but not really any pain. There wasn't a big fight, it didn't go up in a explosion of flames, nor did it crash and burn. It was more like a coma were there brain is still very much active. My subconscious was figuring things out. Then out of nowhere, quietly but suddenly, death. After we stopped talking for a year it was always going to end this way. But I thought it would be agonizing. I thought there would be anger, harsh words, the heat of the moment, a fight, tears, and maybe some yelling. But it was none of that. Just a sudden end. Like if I were to just stop right here in the middle of this post but with less obvious build up. So, I'm sad and I cry a lot. Not many people understand and no amount of explanation helps. We had a love people had to see to believe. I don't have a lot of people in my life who get that I just spend some of my time crying about this. As far as handling the end of this relationship I'm having very specific challenges. I don't really struggle with not stalking Amoriartii on Facebook. I also don't try to contact them. I conquered all of those vices while we were still together. I don't re-read letters or emails. I don't keep looking at our photos together. We still work together so I see them, very rarely through. I am trying to avoid them but I'm also self-sabotaging. I struggle because I'm a creature of habit. There are specific times during the year where we would absolutely see each other. Twice in the summer, once in the fall, and once in the winter. I first summer meetup just passed and it was difficult. Doing something different on purpose is a reminder in itself. I pretend to be happy, while really being miserable. I also worked an event which was mind-numbingly repetitive. Though due to the simplicity of the work I could spend most of my time actually sitting in my feelings. I could feel, not have to hide my emotions, and not talk to anyone. That event helped. I think work is going to be how I get through the summer. Work so my emotions can pervade through my entire being.

P.S. for Felix

Dear Felix

I have willed my letters and everything I've ever written about Amoriartii to them. Don't give them to them yet. They will just throw them away. But I know in time they will miss me and want something to remember me fondly. Please give them to them only when you're sure they aren't angry or sad any more. It will probably take a few years. But when they miss me. Then give them to Amoriartii.

I also have charge you with a task in my will and final testament. Love Amoriartii more now than you ever have. Please do this for me. Grow your love for them everyday. When you don't want to and you're ready to give up, love them. Love them past the end of time because I can't. I tried.

If I could have stayed alive on the sheer power of love I have for Amoriartii, you, and rest of my people I would still be alive. But life doesn't work that way and I was unable to find my way out of the darkness. I've been battling this demon since I was 7 years old and I could not fight anymore. The want to die has been part of my life longer than I've been queer. I couldn't keep fighting with myself. It is with a heavy heart that I made this choice. I didn't want to hurt all of the people I love so much. I didn't want to write this. But I felt the least I could do was tell everyone that I loved that there was nothing you could have done. There were no signs for you to see. There were no cries for help. I've been in therapy all my life with many different people. I've tried endless combinations of prescriptions. I've been hospitalized. I've been to residential treatment. I couldn't imagine living in a hospital or residential facility for even year. It's all about quality of life. I've been where I wanted to go. I've seen what I wanted to see. I've lived well despite it all. I've made friends with some of the best people I had the privilege to meet. It was time for me.

I won't say I will never send this. I just know at the moment. I won't be sending this. For the past 5 years of my life my Will has been the same: money for these people and causes, stuff goes to a few certain people, sell and donate things, a few specific letters if I killed myself or otherwise died, orders for my company, a post about the fact that I have died, and passwords so my best friend can deactivate all my accounts. I have a generic note written to whom ever I'm dating. I have a letter to my bestfriend. I have a letter to my board. I had a letter and things for Amoriartii. After this January I revised my Will. I added three people to give things to and completely removed Amoriartii. I copied the letter into my online folder of Amoriartii memories then burned the physical copy. Upon my death my bestfriend is the to transfer this file and all of its contents to Amoriartii's spouse (who is currently Felix). Along with the instructors to give them to Amoriartii when they are ready.

Skitt: Text stories with my boyfriend

Intro

My boyfriend and I have been writing a story via text message. I'll make a joke and he'll run with it. For example if  He says I man I would like to surf today. I would say yeah dude the waves were trash today nothing like the gnarly rides of Saturday. That would start a story based on the premise we're both surfers. So far we've written 2 stories. I'm going to flush then out, add to them, and publish them here.

Daily struggles

As a queer activist I'm against capitalism. Especially capitalism profiting off the queer community while doing nothing to better or funding candidates/ lobbying for bill &l aws  that hurt queer people. But all the rainbow clothing, shoes, and accessories are super cute.

Skittles: Avoiding God

As an agnostic I enjoy going to church, temple, and mosque to learn what not to do. I like to hear about people that God basically send on a quest or gives a challenge. God usually choose people anyone else would deem unworthy. He talks to them what would seemingly be a mundane situation. So if I live an extraordinary life and am a righteous person I should be be able to avoid abrahamic God, if that particular God exist.

#RelentlesslyQueer Misconceptions: Part 6

The children. Think of the children. It's always to protect the children. Children are sick and tired of being the scapegoat for your hate and bullshit. They are young and they are coming for all of us.

"The Gay Agenda is to convert the children!" Really? I didn't get that memo. I feel left out. Also when did we all get together and actually get something done. We are good at coming together and partying but not passing referendums. As a whole we disagree about almost everything, white after labor day, acceptable Grindr etiquette, if we actually like Brittney, Gaga vs. Beyonce, what time brunch starts, ect. We're like Congress but better dress and less corruption. We get about as much done as Congress, have about the same amount of sex (and sex scandals), miss use money, and there's a disproportionate amount of men. Any way please see the picture for what I was led to believe we had agreed was The Gay Agenda. To be serious is a worldwide push to ban conversion therapy for minors (read about how bad conversion therapy is here).

Generally we are not trying to change people (unless they are pedophiles racist sexist,ect). We want everyone to be able to live as authentically as possible. We are not making the youth queerer. What is happening is Young folks are beginning to engage in conversation about the status quo. Asking why they had to go along with it. Barriers that existed before, are being broken down. Societies gender roles are being questioned, flipped, or even completely ignored what it means to the youth to be a male is not the same as what it what it wants meant to be a male to baby boomers. Quee asked people "why?"  and society didn't have a good reason. Queer and feminist said "men can express and have just as many emotions as women." Society said "Real men don't cry." Queer people and feminist said "Why? Do men not have operational tear ducts? Do not experience sadness? Do men not know what it is to be so overjoyed? Do men never get so frustrated?" Queer people asked the right questions and didn't get any good answers. So the youth decided they didn't have to do things the same way if there's no good reason or methodology behind it. Somebody under 20 lives a drastically different life than someone over 50. I'm going to show some of  their life using real facts just to show you how drastically different their lives were.

**** Side note ****

Papillon was born 1969 Friday January the 3rd live a short time before the first man landed on the moon July 1969. Papillon had to use the home phone to call friends but it was cordless (1977). When he was 14  (disputed but I'm going with 1983) the internet was invented but it took forever to get porn that way still. At sixteen you could have got a car or a cell phone (which were still ugly  4/13/1973). But in 2002 you could send pictures on phones to and from your friends!!!

Tervuren was born in 2000 November 12.
Right in tine to watch the first occupants of the space station arrive to the space station '00. Wikipedia comes into existence '01 hopefully that helps with all the parenting. Tragedy strikes where both twin towers fell on 9/11/01 and America invades Muslim countries. The Euro '02. We cloned a dreer!!!! '03 Facebook '04. We can put Tervuren down to watch YouTube 0'5
Civil Partnership Act '05 in state by tate bases just in case he's gay. Google become household name '06. At 7 years only he breaks his mom's first iPhone '07 OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  2008 Mapped 98% of Mercury '09 project to sail in space unveiled '10 WE GOT 'EM Seal Team 6 '11. Mayan calendar ends '12.
Look at all the that didn't exist in 69
Instagram: October 6, 2010
Snapchat: September 16, 2011
Amazon: July 5, 1994
Google: September 4, 1998
Twitter: March 21, 2006
Apple: April,1, 1976
Uber: March 2009
Lyft: June 2012

*******************

With the current rate that the world is changing and evolving we are having to adopt quicker and quicker and quicker. I think that at least 45% of the jobs that people in high school will be doing when they are 25 haven't been invented yet. We are changing so quickly and so rapidly by our own hand. I think that change is forcing some of these conversations is forcing some of these questions you normally wouldn't hear. I think they should be answered honestly and with an open mind on both parts. I think that's why it seems like the queer community has a specific agenda for children. We do not have one. However, most of the time we are willing to listen to the young person and treat them with respect.

Daily struggles: Body problems

My reproductive system is the only system I nag for being a failure. No, I'm trying to get pregnant. I have other organs or bodily systems that malfunction but I do not complain. My lungs don't want to work, fine. My immune system wants to attack basically everything, I'll deal with it. My sinus system prevents me from smelling 90% of the time, and I never complain. My brain has never pass a complete systems check, but whatever. But let me not get hot and bothered when I want to... This system cause me unreasonable amounts of pain. The glands don't always work like they are suppose to. Unpredictable and erratic behavior as far as systems in the body go. It's the only one where an internal organ tried to become external. I hate it and ever since it became operational I think she has hated me. I loathe it all.

Skit: the Notre Dame cathedral fire

I mourn the Notre Dame cathedral. I get why people are so sad about the fact that a good portion of the cathedral burned down. It is a church which is a religious symbol for a lot of people. It has history which is important to a lot of people. It's architectural astounding given the time it was which is important to people. It is gorgeous which is important to people. Now the cathedral is damaged and the severity of that damage is unknown at this moment. The watching something that is so important to so many people, not just the citizens of Paris and France but of the world, burn elicited a response. I have friends that have been hurt by the Catholic Church. They're angry and I understand that pain. They are rather content to watch it burn and it was a cathartic experience for them. There are a lot people who are hurt by the effects of Napoleon and watching the cathedral burn feels just. I witness their pain and I think it's important for them to understand that now is not the time to fight pain with pain. Now is the time to use pain to understand pain. I can understand something that has in recent years has been a source of friction can cause more tensions due to this disaster. But the cathedral is beautiful, I've seen it. You don't have to believe in God to go into that church. Go because it's gorgeous. Sit in the pew not to pray but to feel the peace. Approach the altar not to repent but to marvel. You don't have to be religious or even Christian to be moved by the Notre Dame cathedral. You don't even have to have eyes. You can touch the stones, wood, glass and the metal accents. If you just touch it you can understand the intricacies of the work that one into it. If you listen you can hear the bells, the organ, or simply the acoustics and it's moving. I don't have a keen sense of smell but I'm sure it's smells amazing the incense and all the history in the air in that building. But if you see it, even from the outside it's so... stunning. For a second you forget about the history and you can just be in awe. I'm not saying after you see it you should forget about the bad history because context is important. I'm saying the cathedral burned and now something so beautiful has been ruined. Now that beauty can't spark wonder, can't inspire, and can't give peace. Now that it has been ruined and it can't be a source good to offset the wrong.

Daily struggles

I'll do a birthday reflection soon

Skittles: Hopefully we get another lifetime

When I met Amoriartii, I it felt like I've known them my whole life. Like I knew them in a past life. A past lives where we still managed to get it wrong. We keep coming back because we have to get it right. We're meant to be together and until we can get it right we're cursed to return to walk this Earth. We're meant for for this love. Our matter, our essence call out to each other in this universe and we manage to find each other again and again. I don't know how many times loved didn't conquer all but I feel like we're running out of time. This planet doesn't have many more lives left. So I hope we get the chance to try again in the next life as humans again and enjoy the complexities of human love. You know, before the planet is no longer suitable for human life. So ideally we'll love each other next lifetime. I hope we spend the end of everything (Earth) together because it's just the beginning of our entangled infinity together.

Daily struggles

When just enough little things don't go your way so you get so irritated. Currently don't have patience for things moving very slowly

Daily struggles

I need to wash my hair. But it's also 1 a.m.. Who died and put me in charge of my life?

Skittles: 3/19/19

I love Amoriartii but there is nothing I can do about that right now. I'm walking around lighter because I know Vendetta is currently out of the state. I've been not doing my job. I haven't been seeing a therapist. I'm really over weight. I met a boy and he's magical and I'm not really going to tell you all about him yet. I've been staying up till 3 in the morning. I've been sleeping until noon. I've been throwing up before I go to sleep (not by choice). I've been relaxing. I need to make a plan. I need to see my friends. I need to work more. I'm not ready for my birthday. I might not go. I'll think about some things and come back to them. I can't stay here forever and there is stress in not doing what I think I should be, But also I need this right now.

Skittles: survival of the laziest

So I worked at the ice rink today which isn't what  I normally do. There was like 15 of us. We're closing for the night so we got to clean up. I'm finishing up my task and I found my coworkers Brian singing and cleaning in 1 of the last 3 room. They were the dirtiest out of the 12. He has the voice of an angel by the way sounds like Sam Smith. Anyway I noticed that it was pretty empty and I was wondering where my co workers went. I found them eating all the food. They had finished the last two XL pizzas and there were only 5 hotdogs left and 2 pretzels.  I had 2 hotdogs. I mentioned that 1 of co-workers could sing and they spent a few minutes trying to figure out who it was. After that we're all leaving. There were only 4 of us left in the building not counting Brian. I was wondering when Brian was. I ask who was the guy with dark hair and glasses. After spending a couple minutes of name that white guy (Kevin, Matt, Brad, Zach)  we realized it Brian. They were all convinced that Brian had left. I was like no the last time I saw him he was cleaning. They were like no he's gone and they were turning out the lights. Then Brian came out of the last room he was assigned to clean like
Brian: "hey! Why are the lights out?"
Everyone else: "Oh  shit we almost locked Brian in."
Brian:"where is everybody?" 
Me:"They  all ate all the food, clocked out and left. "
Brian: *in disbelief goes to check* " Y'all didn't leave me any?"
Evan *the manager*: "You're a trooper. Best employee buddy that should be enough of a reward."
Me: " Don't try to play it off like you didn't forget about him and almost lock him in." 🤣
Brian: "Man, 😑 I quit I'm not even coming back tomorrow. "
Evan: "We weren't going to lock you in we only turned off the lights cuz then anyone still here would shout and we would know someone is still here."
Brian: "I  was in one if the rooms I wouldn't have noticed till I came out and couldn't see. "
Me: " I say you quit and join 1 of singing shows. When they ask you what prompted you to do the competition you can tell about this."
Brain: "And  years later when I'm famous I'll give an interview on about how my coworkers did me wrong and that gave me the motivation to be rich and famous."
Evan: " You can't be rich year later an be still salty.
Me: "Yes you can. Have a salinity higher than the dead sea. The new saltiest body of water is now Brian. You did all that hard work best out of all of us and didn't get any food. Only lazy people got to eat." *Shaking my head*🤣
Brian: " Imma be mad with my millions."

Daily struggles

Please let this year bad mojo be over

Skitt: What it feels like to love them today

I love them and it's killing me.
Which I'm sure if said before.
I didn't learn the first time.
So I came back for some more.
I love them and it's killing me.
So one would think I would quit.
That would be the smart thing to do.
Everyone advises me to end it.
I love them and it's killing me.
High blood pressure induced by stress.
Heart-stopping anxiety.
Nights wrought with nightmares and sleeplessness .
I love them and it's killing me.
My brain screaming let them go.
A heart that only beats for them.
Feet frozen with indecision in limbo.
I love them and it's killing me.
Because I won't breakup .
Because I can't walk away.
Because I don't know how to give up .
I love them and it's killing me.
A love a derived from my core.
A love that I can feel in my bones.
A love every fiber in my being bore.
I love them and it's killing me.
In a way only music understands.
And as poetic as Shakespeare.
The foundation upon which art stands.
I love them and it's killing me
So I guess I'll have to die.
Love with every drop of blood.
I won't waste my last breath on goodbyes.

Here Lies Love

Skittles: life update 3/7/19

I'm dating Latka. I'm not in school. I'm applying for a job I don't know if I want. Taking my meds everyday is not currently happening. I don't work that often. I have a lot of friends that I don't see in person. I have a lot of anxiety over one person in my life. I'm still hurting. I don't have a friend that I go out and party with. I have wine nights every month. I'm looking for a new "friend". I'm heartbroken. I'm not going to therapy. I've stopped crying. I have feelings for Lovely that I can't shake. I miss Vendetta and regret giving her that name. I spend a lot of time alone. I'm definitely touch starved. I keep dreaming that Amoriartii dies and it ruins me. I am indifferent about dying and reluctantly living. I'm trying to lose weight. I spend my time being really gay.

Daily struggles

Analyzing my loved ones something I try not to do and something I should do more. Being aware of how I affect them. I'm trying to figure out if I'm toxic in any of my friend's life which means I would need to leave.

Skittles: where is my reward

Hey fatty, squishy, very soft, very fragile, and electric organ aka brain!
I drank the clear liquid that was not vodka or any other alcohol. There was no burn, I dislike. I ate the leafy green rabbit food. Would have preferred dead animals that eats leafy green. Middle man (cow) needs job too. I ate fleshy sugary tasty coating of the tree seed. Which is stupid because my poop does not help grow more trees. I ate the good bread, not the empty calorie is not good for you tastey bread. At night I laid unconscious for 8 hours.  Big waste of time. I got a significant amount of light from the nearest star. I did the swimmy swimmy for an hour. I don't like being cold wet with no pressure that only last a millisecond. I passed all the test! I completed the quest give me that happy chemicals.

Daily Struggles

I've been trying to get with Latka for forever. Latka has constantly denied my request for a romantic relationship. "Not today", "Maybe later", "Now is just not a good time" " I like you but not yet", and so on. He recently moved halfway across the world for grad school. Me being who I am I'm not going to let 14 hour time difference keep me from pursing them. So I decided to just declare that we are in a romantic relationship and see if they refuted it. And it worked! We are now in a romantic relationship.

Skittles: day 103

Hi, my name is J Skittles, and I'm addicted to love.
It's been 103 days since I've actively pursued Amoriartii. In that time I've pined, I've written to them (didn't send), I thought about them, stalked their Facebook and Instagram, I've typed out messages and deleted them, I stared up at the Moon hoping that they were looking at it too, I've missed them, I've longed for them, dreamed about them, cried about them, made myself sick over them, made excuses to talk to them, and watch them from across the room. In short recovery is not going well. In addictions anonymous the steps are basically all the same. I am still on step 1. My life has become unmanageable. I'm sick on admitting to being powerless. I don't know if there is really a line between addiction and love. I hear people would kill for what they're dicted to, but I think people would also kill for the ones they love. The struggle is between calling it an addiction and calling Amoriartii my soulmate. It feels like I just know that we could work. I think it's supposed to be terrifying. I think you're supposed to have to change. I think it's supposed to make you better. All of that would have to happen for Amoriartii and I to be together. We have to learn to talk and trust. We have to do those two things that scare us the most. Everything else is just so easy, it just falls into place, its effortless. Or I'm a crazy delusional addict. It's never going to work and I have to let it go. Hope, optimism, faith. Despair, pessimism, facts. I don't know which one is reality.
Thank you

Skittles: motivation.

Recently my dad asked me what motivates me. What makes me wake up and keep going when things are hard. I looked puzzled and confused. After a second I said my fault. But honestly, I don't know, I've just been going through the motions with no drive. I have an end goal but no real reason to get there other than it would be a better life than mine now. I decided I would think about this. I have decided that love motivates me. Both platonic, when my life is full of close friends I spend a lot of 1 on 1 time with or romantic love. I thrive when I'm sincerely in love. I suffer when I'm not. I am more productive, happy, and caring when I'm in love. I'm dead inside otherwise. I'm constantly thinking about love, actively trying to find love, and I do well when I have it. I think love is what motives me and with out it to fill me I am just a hallow reanimated corpse.

Daily struggles

I'm upset that pop music about love, relationship, and heartbreak since November 2018 have been about my relationship with Amoriartii

Skittles: the Rents

It's interesting watching my parents separately(because they're divorced and don't talk) come to the slow realization that I don't give a fuck about them. Not in the sense that they don't matter to me. Just that they're not my priority. I've come to this decision based on 3 facts.

1: I'm depressed. In treatment I learned that I have to prioritize myself and my happiness. My therapist told me again and again I care too much about what my parents think. I may have overcorrected I won't know for a while. However, one thing really clicked with me. Nothing will matter if I'm dead. So my parents and I don't share the same priorities anymore because they want me to get my life together and I want to make sure I still have a life tomorrow.

2: They were shitty parents. I have no desire to get into all the trauma. I did enjoy the freedoms of performing well and seeming relatively trustworthy. They didn't care then and I don't care now. They manipulate easy and always have. I just got tired of doing all the work of hiding that fact from them. the feelings of betrayal that they have currently a feeling like they never knew me is a fact of known since I was eight. They need to catch up.

3: They are parents. I would have to do something pretty messed up for them to disown or stop supporting me. I have done terrible things and they got over it and came back. I stopped talking to 1 of them for 2 years. Then that same parent without reason or explanation for me let me quit school and move back home. One of them I maxed out 2 of thier credit cards in a year without their knowledge. They kicked me out when they found out, then about 6 months later wanted me to move back in. Both of those things were done as acts of vengeance so don't go condemning me just yet. I might explain later

I would never jeopardize my parents' futures. I would also never make their lives unlivable. Everything I do is irritating and inconvenient that best. But I need to do me. So when it comes to a making them happy, fuck 'em.