I had a really messy and emotionally heavy weekend with Lovely at World Pride. It was rough. The short version is I'm depressed, I'm in love with her, I'm easy jealous of the people she shows interest in, everyday was a long day, we were in a group of about 10 people, it was really hot (90°F), I was really irritable, I'm shy, and one of her friends ended up overdosing on an opioid. The worst time was realizing Lovely was infatuated with her friend. Thinking they left me with the group to hooked up with said friend. Being constantly reminded the value of my life in other people's eyes. All of the police being in these queer spaces. The best time was taking care of high Lovely. She is a blast high. Crying together as queer people of color. Bonding while taking care of the friend who over dosed.
I have a hard time with my relationship with Lovely because it is so multi fascinated. I love her in away that is detrimental to all of our relationships. The love is detrimental not because it is not reciprocated. But because I felt it was not valued. If I take anything away from this weekend it would be that I am important to Lovely. She trust me as much as I trust her and values me. Despite our polar opposite personalities I think my relationships with her are the healthiest relationships I have or have ever had.
I think that because of the stress of the entire weekend we just broke under pressure. That break down of pure vulnerability is what got us to open up. We had a heart to heart talk. I wasn't being gaurded and she wasn't mad at me for keeping her away. When someone is dying you don't think, you do. But after when things are settled you have to process everything that just happened. I cried early and it wasn't my friend so I was okay.
***Side note***
Growing up it the city really desensitized me. Gun shots or fireworks was very much a game to me growing up. Just neglecting the fact that this meant people were dying. I've never lost anyone to drugs before but people from my neighborhood have died from overdoses. I always thought "you were dumb enough to do drugs, natural selection at work." But watching what a drug I was prescribed did to me when I didn't have it was worse than what it was helping me with. In that way I could have easily formed an addiction. The only reason I stopped was because of a mistake that the pharmacy made that caused me not to have my medicine. I was so close to being addicted.
******
Lovely cried her eyes out having dealt with an opioid addiction herself. This drug that her friend did could have killed her if she would have had the money for a larger dose. I watched the person I care so much for devolve. All I could do is hold her. But that was enough.
I feel better now that we have talked. I realized I was jealous because I didn't feel valued. After this weekend I know she cares and that all I've ever wanted.
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