Logos Ethos and Pathos

here's to closing the door on 2012. so this concludes my year in review post. i have a learned a lot about about myself while on this adventure. so much of me just wants to be like God did i really survive  some of me questions it because its like did i really want to? but i have honestly learned so much and lived so much. i am glad to say goodbye to this year but i am scared for the new one. i know i will wake up and nothing will really be any different unless i want it to be. but still the whole concept still is unnerving. but i lived and no one can say i didn't. This life this year was mine and i owned every moment of it. I was here and everything I've gone through this year, every experience was more than i thought it would be and just enough.  Someone say it a little better than me i hope you understand. 

A year in review: Pathos

I left this one for last because i find it the hardest to write about. I don't like emotions. I don't like talking about them or feeling them.  to be honest i had a rather tough year. i lost my wife, best friend, and lover in Feb  i never quite to the time to understand what she meant to me. or what she was suppose to mean. then i realize i have lost the focal point of my life. love has been the very allusive creature  that lights my life.  at the beginning of the year love was really calm and i didn't think i had it anymore. but boy did i have it and i didn't even know how well. so i spent most of the summer enjoying my "new found freedom". but i just don't hook up.  then i went off to college  let me tell you if you don't think choosing a school is emotionally conflicting you have never loved a school and had your parents hate it. i do truly one school i should have gone but oh well. the summer was probably the emotional high of the year. i had so much fun and i laughed til i cried. but i miss the beginning of the year. i met the some of the most amazing people at the beginning of the year how turned out to be one of the most hurtful people i met. I can say that just like the corrupt state i live in there are some corrupt people. and the fact the that there hurtful people in this world and that some of them will hurt me is discouraging. it makes me hard on the outside so that i can remain human on the inside. but the people i met at the end of this year at this school i hate. they remind me that humanity is not dead. that there are still good people in this world. who are loving and caring. they want to help me. that gives me hope that one day i will be able to find  people who don't require a wall. so this year in Pathos, i have loved lost hoped and loved some more. I have learned this year that yeah i need love, but that love doesn't have to come from someone else. i have said time and time again to love yourself and i think somewhere along the line i forgot that. so as an end of the year reminder i am not going to let all the pain make me cower in the face of happiness. instead i am going to take the pain and remind myself that i won't have hurt so bad unless i was happy in the first place. 

a year in rear-view: Ethos

I do have some trouble writing about this. Ethos is all about ethics and morals, thing i just don't possess. i have been developing my guts and instinct through. what is right or wrong has never really mattered to me. because it seems like very time we get close to an absolute right or wrong there an acception or a circumstance which the rule doesn't need to be fallowed. i don't take much stock in things are so transient and change with the social times. I am not one for change. I really don't like it at all though, i do fully understand that it is part of life. My year went through lots of changes this year. a fiance, 2 different loves, one lesbians counterpart, school, 5 jobs ( through all of the same position), 2 babys (not mine), 3 houses, and a gaggle of friends. i think it is the change that really defines my year. i lost 20 friends before the summer even started. before i walked a cross a stage. one of them was a guy i liked to call my husband. even through me and him where just friends i loved him. I loved him with all my heart and i could marry him and spend the rest of my life with him in a non romantic way. my gut told me i had been betrayed and it was long before i confirmed such as truth. its just things like that tell me that the world is a lawless place. there aren't really any ethics or morals that we all live by. we all like to pretend to fallow so unwritten code but really you take said code and modify it as needed. i just do mine a little bit differently. i am loyal to few people but that doesn't make me any less true to them. and i will stand by there side until i can't anymore. either because they hurt me, they left me,  i physically can't stand in which case i will sit, or they died. i make my decisions based on a hierarchy. and my friends are in the top 5. so i may not fallow the law of the land but my law is just as good. and i think my that standard that i have fallowed my rules. i haven't under cut any of my friends and my family and i are good. but i do wonder why people think that just morals and morals alone gets them a head on the nice list verse me. i have learned a lot this year about myself and the code i choose to live by. it makes me the person i am. and i am not feeling very inclined to change. so this year was ethically irreverent on the count that i lack what would fundamentally be called ethics. but it was another live by the code die by the code year. i did what i thought was right and i am glad about it. 
Stay Fierce yo

a year in rear-view: logos

I can honestly say I have learned a lot this year about logic. I for one am a very logical person. I do things that make sense. I say things because they are rational. The rest of the world isn't like that. I see things in black and white and I take how I view things and super impose them on the world.  Well fortunately, and unfortunately, the world isn't rational. That means two things: it isn't simple and just because that is the way that would make the most sense to do something doesn't mean it will be done that way. That also means we are colorful. Logos is a black and white subject. It is all the things that impeded our logic that make life worth living. So there was a lot of” oh, what the hell?" and” why the hell not" this year.  And my life is so much better for it. Sure I did a lot of stupid things but I regret nothing. I strive each year to say if this year was my last then I lived a full life. I have climbed my mountains and seen breath taking things. I have lain with beautiful women, (mind, body, and soul) and talked to men about important things (and I was herd). Logic is still the guiding force of my life but I am learning. Learning that there might be more out there and to people. Things I don't understand. But logic can't solve all problems so maybe I don't need to understand just flow. Understanding why the world spins only gets you so far. At some point you’re going to have to go out and live life yourself. Yeah I got my bumps and bruises and in retro spec I could have done things differently but I wouldn't have.  Every scar I have gotten or left on someone else this year tells a story. And I wouldn't want to rewrite history. Logic has given me the knowledge and the power to evaluate my choice and make the best ones so I know when I a making a U turn. Reasoning gives me the power to tell you why each choice was right or wrong and why one was more correct than the others. But it’s the faulty rational I love the most. Being able to rationalize that the choice I made was bad but was chosen for these reason thus maybe not as bad is what I really like. i made a lot of hard decisions and probably choose what nobody thought i would. however through it might not be evident to everyone around me there was a goal i wanted to reach. made the choice not logically but with the goal in mind. Logically I had a terrible year. But that's only because I choose to live in color and not on a black and white page. 

Stay fierce yo

skit: intro into to 2012 a series

My friend Blain inspired me to do this. He says that I inspired him to take 12 days one for each month and just reflect on his life and his year. all the things that happened and how he felt about them never really get processed  more like stored away to be dealt with later because life moves just too fast to give every little incident the proper attention it needs and requires. So he is making videos every day at the end of the day where he talks about his day and then the month and he tries to arrive at something meaning full to him at the end of this conversation that he has with himself. He says he got the Idea from some advice I gave another friend of mine. When her life was going out of whack and everything was falling apart I told her to take some time for her. Actually look and see where things started to go wrong. Reflect to find where you stopped living for you and started living for the world. Take a moment to think about how to begin to live for yourself again and what that means to you.  I told her take some me time. So when blain started his me time adventure I thought to myself what a great way to end the year. So I hope to take some me time starting tomorrow and finish up by New Year’s writing what I want for 2013 as the last one of the series. So there will be 5-2 post in this series. We are going to wing it and see. You all could try your own take on the reflecting exercise. Do it for your own reason and achieve your own goals with it. For me I am just trying to understand my actions of the year a little better, tie up loose ends really. For my friend who I didn’t name they are trying to get order, functionality, and control back into their life. While Blain simply seeks perspective.  So try it maybe you will like it
And as always Stay Fierce YO 

Happy/Merry what ever doesn't offend you.

Okay so I know I am a dirty fitly liar and I said I would do a holiday post. Honestly I was going to write one but then I got so distracted be the Santa tracker and my family. I just got back from college Christmas Eve. The day before Christmas was quite a day for me given the fact that I had so much to do before I had to catch a train and I was injured. I cracked my femur. No big deal. But it made it very difficult to pack and clean my apartment. I think I left me heat to high. Anyway, I celebrate Christmas and newton day and winter pagan holiday that has been overly commercialized. I am a very open minded person when it comes to my holidays that happen to fall annually on December 25th. So if you have any that I have left out let me know. But in the spirit of these holidays I do have something I have wanted to share. It is always said that the holidays are times for families to spend time together to grow and bond. However for many people in the Queer community it’s not like that. Actually far from it. Often the holidays for Queers is a time of lies and deceit or hate and resentment. For me its lies. My mother doesn't know she isn't actually the accepting type.  ( my mother was raised strictly catholic and for some pretty important reason I cannot piss her off) so while I am with her and my mother's side of the family I don't  "act" gay. So that means no rainbow bands. No gay friends, no gay Facebook, and no looking at women.  It’s a struggle sometimes. I guess I didn't realize how big a role my sexuality played in my everyday life until I couldn't be gay anymore. It just makes me feel like I am dead on the outside and that the real me is dying to get out. Dead on the outside and slowly suffocating on the inside. But I can't tell her. I would honestly rather be dead. My friends his parents know and so do his family. He is Trans and it isn't easy for him either. Knowing isn't always easier but you can't hide who you are at that point. He feels hated and rejected by people who are supposed to be his family. Growing up (when he was a she) she always herds "you can't pick your family and as long as they are abusing you, you might as well love them." and "they are your family you have to love them even if it’s from a far."  So I just don't think it’s fair that they don't see him as family anymore. Just cuz you change your sex doesn't mean you change your blood. Blood is blood and you can't change that. I think he deserves some understanding from these people. I think they should at least try, I am not saying accept him right away, that would be great but I get it takes time to adjust. I am not saying agree with his choices either. All I am saying is love him like he is family because he still is and try to understand him. Hear him out, that's all. He doesn't deserve hate from people who are supposed to love him unconditionally. If they want him to be hated trust I the outside world is doing a good job.  But he should be loved by his family anyway. So this holiday when you sit down with your family and you fight over the last slice of pie make sure that after you sock them a good one to get that piece pie they know you love them and accepted them for who they are. Even though they tried to steal your pie.  Cuz they are family and you can fight over pie. 

so i am sorry that this posted after christmas/ what ever else falls on this day. as you could imagine i was very busy but i still wanted to wish all of you happy holidays and i hope that i have time to do a year in review post before the year is over so be on the look out for that as well. STAY FIERCE YO

Skit: all night-ers, every night

a high, a crash, a low, then level out and repeat. Get high, try to get as high as the first rush. sometimes you succeed at a replicating the original high sometimes you don't. But each time you need to get a little bit higher, push it a little bit farther to get even close to the same effect. each time it takes just a little more and it doesn't even last like it did. there's always that crash and it seems that you fall harder and harder each time. falling faster then the day before, only to hit the concrete in the same spot, leaving yet another stain. or is it disdain. no that disdain is low. its not bad enough that you have to crash from the high but to land lower than you started. lower and lower each day. stair way to heaven, craters to hell. digging yourself a little lower with each impact. creating a physical whole that you have actually dug yourself into, you have the impact marks to prove it. it is a long bloody struggle back to the surface world. back to the beginning where all of this started. the slow brutal climb just to level out. you swear never again as you pieces yourself together. tell yourself you learned as you tend to the new wound your reminded by the old. you ask yourself why would a sane person do this. with all that you have left, with all that it took out of you just to be even again you vow that you will keep on this level plain. its not worth it. but before you even get the chance to utter another lie like " i'm going to get help" or " i'm quitting" your getting high again. and each hits a little bit worse than the last. each time you die a little more and lie a little less. you begin to realize your never going to quit.you don't even bother after a while to swear that it was the last time. you don't pick up all the pieces, you leave some scattered, i mean you'll be right back down there any way. you keep going through the cycle only living for the next high. always to high or low to even take a minuet to self reflect. i mean if you did, if you saw yourself would you even be able to stand it. can you stand it now, or do you need to get a little higher before you can deal with the facts. or will you just get so high that you won't even care, can't even care. let me tell you, you never thought you would be here in a million years. drugs, weed, alcohol, sex, money, lies, chocolate, shopping, sugar, work, it doesn't even have to be addictive any thing you can put and aholic. but you don't have a problem right? no not you. you have got it all under control you just need to take one more hit. it will be your 5th today but, look, whose counting? you know what your doing. and you will be doing it all day and all night. you know can't leave. just one more. you could get up the courage to break away, the motivation to change. but your just so tiered. just one more hit, to get the energy. you could form a plan and stick to it, really beat this time. but you can't think straight, you need one more just to ease your mind. and you do it just like you said you would. your so proud because its been one whole day. you knew you could throw it all away if you wanted to. you reward yourself just this one time with just one, but this a reward so why not two or three, soon its five or six. you have to start all over now. just can't shake it and you start the spiral. if you come live through the spiral, come back from the brink you will realize that you need to shake it quick fast and in a hurry. because its eating you alive. but if you spiral to hard and to fast. your dead. i guess that's just goes in the circle of addictions. 

my addiction

I guessed that this week of all weeks the least i could do for you all is post on time. so i made sure right something before hand. I wanted all of you to know that i appreciate all of you for putting up with me these past few months. i now the blog is suppose to be semi-educational, however i just haven't had much to share. this funk that i have been in since i started this whole mess of journey has take a toll on my writing and that is unfair to all of you. so bare with me a little longer because i promise i will have something worth while for all of you after the holiday post.speaking of the holidays  i made all of my friends holiday cookies and passive aggressive decorations (both of which they loved). I also decked my freaking halls. i mean my apartment looks great. i did a theme this year based off of the bell reef that is hanging on my door.  it is getting cold and i am looking forward to my annual trip south for the the winter break.  i am thinking any city that lies directly on the equator sounds good. and don't worry i will decorate one of the native trees for my christmas. just cuz i don't have snow ( don't want snow) doesn't mean i would have all the other fix-en's of this time. I am very excited to go back to the city through i am a little more than disappointed that i might not get to see some one in particular my travel plans and his just don't seem to match up so when he is returning from his winter vacation i will be leaving for mine. :( i really wanted to see him too. but i will get to all of my friends. i am most excited to see my friend i call my lesbian counterpart (we are just friends) i haven't seen her in a while and the girls in NYC keep her very busy so we don't get to talk much. it will be nice just to chill and catch up. i might do a little homo cocoa session just to catch up with whats been going on. you know " WHAT'S THE T". then i'll prob see the girls then hang with the boys. kick it with my sisters and then leave for my tip. its bout to get busy i'll let you know how things shake out.

Stay Fierce YO

a rose by any other name,

Is just as sweet, and thorns pierce just as deeply. My friends keep telling to talk about my emotions. that is is part of staying mentally healthily is talking your feelings  and acknowledging their existence.  my friends are a bunch of wanna be psych majors. but i just don't think if feelings in turns of words and sentence. i feel color and see my emotions like a painting on a wall. they are full of vivid descriptions that can only be narrated by the brush strokes and contour lines. each color and how it is portrayed is just as important as your words and the tones you use to say them. i can't talk about my feelings because my sad isn't a word its more of a very dismal abstract portrayal  of a swimming pool. its full of dark silver gray over tones with pale light teal undertones.  much like a voice is full of sorrow and pain when sad, but has light hints of peace and  tranquility, foreshadowing the times to come. i can't talk about my feelings because i don't feel them i see them. i can't show you how a feel because you won't understand the painting the way i do. you won't understand the artistry of it. people often talk about their feelings but that is not the only way to communicate them. I understand my feelings in terms of colors but tell other people about them with music. music speaks to people in a language all its own invoking feelings and thought that words never could. even through speech is one of our main forms of communication i would say it is one of the ones that conveys the least amount of information. music or performance, the arts in general give humans a personal understating of another human being .that would normal take a life time of interaction to get. a photo with a title conveys so much more than a conversation with the photographer. then if i was to try you how the photograph made me feel instead of showing you the picture or telling you i could simply let you hear the feelings. a section of a piece or the chorus of a song to show you how i feel. i could tell you with a thousands words with out saying one using a song. songs are as unique as the emotions that they represent meaning that no two songs feel the exact same. they could be similar or even close but there are differences just like feelings. i could paint you a picture and sing you a song but i can not talk about my feelings the same way and have them mean the same thing. words do not comprehend the how small you feel next to a mountain until you are staring up at one. but i can show you what it looked likes and play for you what that feels like and maybe if things aren't lost in translation the rose will come out just as sweet. 

i am going into the end of my first semester and things are getting busy. i have found that i am throwing myself into my work more. probably because of things that have happened with Etsy. I told him i liked him even through i said i wouldn't. but honestly it was necessary, i was going crazy unable to think about anything else.   so i told him and now as to avoid thinking about what he is going to say back i am over working and not sleeping. the not sleeping is just a product of wanting to be so productive and not being that productive. the over working is a ploy to distract myself. its not like there is a lack of things for me to do. the more energy i have the more the work the world seems to want to give me. thus for now i am working and not painting. not running not swimming not writing just working. i do plan on dealing with all these social non academic things later but as i said right now it is finials week and school life kinda taking presidents here.  by the way i am sorry i am so late and that i disabled the page for a few days. my friend who i am now dating, not esty, is also a blogger and i didn't want him to know i was a blogger. so i had to be quite for a while. 

stay fierce yo 

Skit: sinusoidal, an adjective.

let be be the first to say this My name is J skittles and i am a Pyro. and i don't mean this in the mental diseases where i can't help but start fires. i'm not bad, or at least i don't think i am. i just have a crazy fatal attraction to fire. i love it. i like to be around it, i like to touch, play with it and watch it be fire and do what fire does. i lite candles just watch fire burn and its calming to me. fire is also a huge turn on. but we aren't talking about that. i love fire which is to be expected cuz i'm and Aries which is a fire sign. but fire doesn't love me back. in fact fire should represent everything bad about my life. it has take away friends from me and ruined families. but i love it just as much as much as the water loves me. but let me tell you i hate water. i have to swim in it i work with it. its wet and icky. but its seems to be a constant in my life.drawing its self to me. however i do find the water calming in a darker since. through the water has done nothing but give life to me. i have saved so many children not one has ever been lost to the water. i would call these two the extremes of my life fire and water and every aspect of  it fits into one of the the two categories. most of the time i get a good mix of fire and water and i turn out pretty even. but as of late things haven't been so even. I've been hot and cold then hot again, never even. in fact my behavior has been quite sinusoidal. and its driving me up a wall. i wish i could stop and just be even but its not that simple. i'm not acting this way just because i can and it seemed like something fun to to do i m reacting to people (person) around me. and i swear its like everyday i'm being thrown thrown trough a new loop. i go from this incredible high to a low or vise verse. it has gotten so bad where i honestly just want to burn it all down and start over. i have a nasty burn on my arm that i got from doing some kind of house work for my guy friend. i keep rubbing it thinking what it would be like to burn it all. if i could burn the ugly pieces of my life away, bandage it up for a week and have an new ugly free life. how great i would be to let the water wash over it and clean out all the dirty gritty parts i don't want. 

Skitt: words to etsy

honestly i am just afraid. i am paralyzed by an overwhelming fear of not being able to function. am i actually as fragile as i think or is my frailness a figment of my imagination brought on by psychological trauma. its a phobia like any other, completely unreasonable and illogical but still somehow seems rational. Philophobia is whats its called. i don't know if i could handle the toll it would take just to participate. just to feel. and i am almost positive that if i do somehow make it through that, there is no way i would ever recover from the fall out. falling out is like is crashing from space into the earth. it would surely kill me this time. i want to say i am too broken to heal, damaged beyond repair. all thats left for me now is damage control and learning to manage. try not to make it worse you know. when you have something wrong with your heart and the surgeon's go in and fix it they tell you to take it easy for the next 6 months. give your heart a break. but you know somethings you just can't fix and you're never 100% ever again. so its like hey you're good but take it easy for the rest of your life type thing. thats all i'm trying to do. i'm just trying to take it easy for the rest of my life. so i come across as guarded, distant, uninterested, or just plain cold not because i am but because i need to be. i wish i was as badass as i pretend to be. i wish i didn't care so much or i could turn of emotion when it was convenient for me. i am just trying to protect myself. i don't want it to break and more. i so i guard with my life like my life depends on it because it does. my fear has crippled me to the point where i think that if it was hurt any more than it already is that it would just be broken. and nothing or no one could fix it. now i know its seems like i am just afraid of the pain that is associated with it. Agliophobia is the fear of pain and i do not have this phobia. in fact what i am doing is often more painful. but it doesn't cause any damage. its momentary happiness and pain with out any of the repercussions. because i still feel because it still beats. it longs and yearns and wants i just can't through. this is what the anxiety has brought me to and it isn't pretty. but neither is fear itself. fright is represented by black while calm is white. so the six ways to crazy fear that i have must fall somewhere between the 2. which would make sense. different level of peace/ terror and fifty one different shades of black white grey. i must be more to the grey to black side because nothing about this is calm. fifty one different shades of the blackness from the fear and the pain from the grey. fifty on different shades of torture and agony that i am forced to live through day in and day out because my worse fears are coming true, and theres nothing i can do about it. i am already falling and its scary. not knowing if i'm going to survive or if i can handle it. the only part of me that isn't scared is the part that should be scared the most. my heart is either stupid or fearless ( maybe even suicidal)because its not afriad. it knows it could love you with a love that would be rivaled for a thousand years. however i as a mind and body are paralyzed by my fear of loving you. my fear of falling in love with anyone, but especially you, because you love me back. that is just so terrifying, fifty one different shades of scary to be exact. because honestly i am just afraid because i'm falling in love with you.


how does anyone manage to love again after being hurt so many times. i think i wanted to call it quits after 3 loves. logic and reason should teach us better. we are humans due to our amazing ability to learn, adapt, and change. i see now that evolution just doesn't apply to love. because one of us would have learned better by now. i can handle the pain and sadness that come with the aftermath but i don't know if i could handle losing the happy. losing the guarded smart fearful me. love makes me happy and makes me act like i can do anything. and i don't want to feel like that unless its going to last forever. i get so high i mean i get higher that anyone i've ever known and it just gets worse by the day. oh and i can't stop smiling it's terrible because i never realize how bad it is till after because my cheeks hurt like hell. anyway i really wanted to call this post fifty one different shades fear and terror addition. i was watching a sad break up flick with my friend who lives downstairs and i decided to write this in response to her calling me chicken shit. she was like " girl you so stupid you just afraid of the pain and thats no way to live" and i agree it's not but i am honestly just afraid of love itself. loving etsy from a far hurts like hell. because everyday i want to hug him and kiss him and tell him i love him. it mess up my whole day if i don't see him or if he leaves without saying goodbye. i pouted cuz he didn't give me a hug. and i can't help it i really like him so it bothers me that he doesn't do these things or that i can't do things for him cuz we aren't together. but we never will be. because i just can't love him right now. and i might never be able to. because i as a person need to be okay first. i need to know me for a while. maybe take myself out on a date. shower myself with gifts and presents. i need to love me before i can even begin to love anyone else. esty deserves a responsible emotionally stable adult. and i'm just not there. it is so difficult because i love him so much more than i love myself and that a problem. i can't lose myself in someone else again. i know i'm over thinking things i know i need to get out of my head but my head is protecting me and its right. think about it for real. how can you love someone if you can't even love yourself; how can you expect someone to love you right if you don't know how to love yourself; how can you expect to be able to come out of a relationship as an individual if you didn't even go in as one, you didn't lose yourself in your relationship there was never a you to begin with; how are you going to love someone if you don't know what love is. that's why i'm not going to date etsy. i'm going to date myself because i need to work on me for once.

skit: after post notes (aka post post notes)

so remember the last post i did about how esty is my person and what not. remember how i was suppose to tell him that he was my person because i am a direct person. i don't like making assumptions about things that are of interest or are  important to me. i may already know but i won't accept it as truth until i am told. that way if there is some way in hell that i am wrong i'm not so hurt or shocked but i digress. anyway i chickened out. i was going to tell esty the day after i wrote my post so like way back in oct. on like the 15 or something like that. but my " fake boyfriend" got to me first and they put all these ideas in my head and now i can't get them out.   my " fake boyfriend"  was like you should date esty. and i was like eww no they are all vegan and shit and i don't want to be all vegan and shit.  but then i thought about it and now i can get him out my head. esty is all i think about i went and ate vegan food with them and if i'm lucky i get to watch him eat fire later :) ! however there are some things about etsy that make liking him or wanting to date him more complicated. but i can't tell you cuz thats not my place and i respect his wish to keep some things to himself. if he was all out there with stuff i would totally tell you but he's not so i can't. so this part is not going to make much sense because i can't tell you but i want to try to explain my struggles with etsy to you. i wasn't going to date etsy because he's not my type in a certain way. he is a certain type of person and i was like i could never date that type of person due to all the baggage that comes along wit it. i just couldn't handle it. also i was having some small personal crises having to do with my sexuality. i just don't want to change it. i just settled in to being bisexual. i am comfortable and i understand me. now i would have to change it to pan or queer or something. i like the bi colors so much more than the pan colors ( no offense pan people) etsy is fucking with my sexuality. i don't appreciate. but he is so fucking hot. 

okay side note so that this makes a little bit of sense aka hint time* so being bi you date guys and girls and everybody assumes that i like everyone in the world. but thats not true thats pan. i only like girls and guys. but not everybody identifies as one or the other. gender lines are really murky. cuz you could identify as a girl but be a guy. i wouldn't date you that does not fall within my little box. you could look like a guy identify as a guy but still have girl genitalia. again that does not fit in my box.  if you want to limit yourself to the binary genders then your bi if not your pan or queer. and i'm Bi but i find myself falling for etsy who is outside of the binary genders and is somewhere in murky gender land. 

back to the actual post through if i was to date etsy i would no longer be bi. i would have to change. i would probably just be queer then. but would i really be queer or is this a one/ two time thing (esty has a fine ass friend who is just like him in murky gender land i swear they grow em fine as hell out there lol) thats the other thing etsy has a fine as friend who love to flirt with me ( we are going to call him santiago). and i'm a mega flirt so i can't help it. plus i kinda like how sexy he makes me feel. but i'm stop cuz idk i love etsy but santiago would be fun, easy, hot, sweaty, passion, and sexy. it would be college. i kinda wanna be bad and do both >:D muahahaha. and santiago is a dancer so its steamy when i hang out with esty and santiago. oh and then there's one more person angel who keeps the two boys living peacefully she is a doll.  we all hang out and eat vegan food together its pretty chill and things get pretty strange but its nice. i think thats the only thing that i am sure of when i hang out with them. that things will be strange but fun everything else that happens idk what it means or if it actually happened. i would have to get out of my own head to date etsy and i am just not sure if i could do that.  but i am going on a date with him on monday 11/5 so i guess i will have too.  i have never freaked out so much because before when i would freak out it was just me being dramatic now i'm actually freaking out. what does one wear on a vegan date anyway. what am i allowed to eat on a vegan date? somebody help me cuz i am a mess already and it's only friday 11/2.    this is too complicated. like actually i thought it would be a lot easier than this.

this is me right now cuz i won't stop freaking out i made myself sick

Stay Fierce yall ( fiercer than me me right now anyway)

skit: the twisted sister dark

yes that's a grey's anatomy reference its from way back like the 6th season or something like that ( been watching a lot of it lately).  it will make sense later. anyway somehow i have wound up in trouble again, i guess i wouldn't call it trouble as much as it is a recurring predicament that can lead to trouble. what have i done you asked. nothing really. i am just going into my 8th week of school and i am already very emotionally attached to someone who doesn't know how much i care. now i know what you guys are thinking "J skittle you can't fall in love with every other person on planet you need to calm down." but i am not in love with them thats the thing i just have mad love for them. like they get me and make me feel safe i can tell them anything and its not weird if we just sit and don't say a word. we have that "comfortable silence"  thing along the "tell you my deepest darkest secrets and never shut up" thing. like low key i want to lay all over them cuz they are so easy just to be with. like not many people can co exist with each other without running into problems but i could just exist with them. but they don't know how i feel. they don't know that they could tell me anything in the world and i would guard that secret with my life. they don't know that they could ask me anything in the world and i would answer truthfully ( which means a lot coming from me cuz there are certain things i just don't talk about so i lie but i would tell them) i trust them wholeheartedly without a single glimmer of doubt. but they don't know. its not like they don't even know i exist cuz that wouldn't work. i can't be attached to someone who i don't know anything about. ( so i have spent time with them and they know i exist). like i have all these feeling for them but the feeling are purely platonic that's why i'm calling it an emotional attachment. but i wish they knew how much they meant to me. like cristina is meredith's person and vice versa  they are my person they just don't know. i think it is very important for everybody to have that support it makes life so much easier. if you have that person who knows how to calm you down who can talk stuff out with you and can stand you even when you're being a bitch then you have a person, ( i mean its more complicated than that but those are some key indicators) congrats you have a person. i would try not to mess that friendship up because they are  the person you know you can turn to when everything is falling apart that's what they are they for and if you mess up then you don't have anyone. and everybody needs somebody. so don't date your person unless you intend to marry them and spend the rest of your life with them. because i don't care whether its a good break up or a bad one nothing is ever the same and you have gone and messed up on of the few important relationships in your life that you need to maintain. but is is very important that you do cause you may think you don't need a person in your life till you lose them and you see how much easier your life was with them. so you may not need them but you sure do want them. so hold them close, it is not easy getting another person if you let them go because people who truly get you without having to be told those are hard to find.  once you find one its like marriage you will know that its right. the only thing left to do is tell them. so that is what i am going to do with my person because they mean the world to mean and they deserve to know. btw i think we will call him esty and yes it is a man but i am giving him a female sounding name because of an inside joke me and him share.
(throw back because i keep getting attached too early too soon and people get the wrong idea)
stay fierce yo 

Skit: I guess i could write a halloween post

Honestly it is 6:30 pm the day before halloween and i just thought about writing a halloween post. i haven't been feeling very festive as of late. i blame the college struggles academic and social. i am a freshman and even though i hang out with the older kids ( hahaha it makes me laugh to say it like that, it reminds me of middle school and high school) i haven't started acting like them yet. normally i become one of them but that hasn't happened i am still very freshman like. in their  words " i'm still a baby" and in my own words "i'm a tortoise". if we bring it all together i'm a baby tortoise. great. i'm not use to being the young one or being so introverted.  i feel like down here i'm the complete opposite of who i was when i was in the city. it gives me head aches to think about it. lucky or unlucky not all of me has made this 180 turn. how i approach people i really like hasn't change a bit.  i'm still shy nerdy and very creepy. oh joy? i just wish i could say etsy i like you. its just 4 words right. naw. he is so cute though. his fav holiday is halloween. :) he's been decorating the office. its so nice. he has multiple costumes ( freaking theater majors) i don't even have one. i guess who i've been since i got here is a costume. one that i've yearning to take off but also  been hiding behind the security that it brings. i almost feel trans if that makes sense. but like the opposite. so i was something that i was comfortable with. i liked me outwardly and inwardly. however i have gone through a series of changes since then and now i am stuck in this costume that i don't like both physically and emotionally. i feel like i am trapped inside something that is not me. through my physical appearance hasn't changed how i am being perceived has. that what halloween is about changing people's perception of you. it's fun, interesting,  and often time provides a temporary escape from a person's norms. for one day you can be anything you want to be. i think you should take full advantage of that. one day where you can be anything and nobody will judge you. one judgement free day. know that i know a little of what it feels like to be seen one way but feel another i wish i could put on a costume or some make up and be what i want agian. but i can't because what i would change has nothing to do with. it has to do with everybody else.i guess what i was saying is costumes are great until you can't take off ( i think that is really scary) so  so go out trick or treat ;) stay safe, stay clean, be safe, be sexy. 

Happy Halloween
Keep it Queer and Fierce!

Stay Fierce yo 

skit: decorations, lights, music, corn?

have been promising a post about me and my new life for a while and I guess this can be that post. I went to my first official party last week. Actually I went to a mini party then the next day I went to real one. It is really strange that people start partying on Thursday. Thirsty thursegays is what my people call it here. It’s kinda funny to watch. My mini party I had with one of my science clubs. You wouldn't think that engineers party but they do. And when they do they don't act like the smart people they are in class. In fact they make a lot of bad decisions I guess when you can't get a defiant quantitative answer (aka take away their calculator) they just go screw go with whatever feels right (which if you been in any of my math class or science class you know your instincts are horribly wrong so don't pick that answer). okay so first off it shouldn't take 2 engineers to move a couch from one room to another while 6 other engineers give them science directions like rotate the couch 7π/6 radians with respect to angle theta such that a theta is the integrals of cosine when the hypotenuse is the couch after its been rotated and the position you will take when its rotated makes up the other leg of the triangle. (which in English means rotate the couch 210° counter clockwise relative to you or turn the couch till it fits through the door) it shouldn't be that hard so I mean I should have known that they should not be allowed to make decisions without having it approved by mom first. Its kinda cray. But they do. So they decided it was a good idea to drink and carve pumpkins. then after we carved them and had a few drinks they were like let’s put candles in the pumpkins turn the lights off and have a dance party (mind you the floor is carpeted and everything in the place was flammable it is pure luck that the apartment complex didn't burn down) I left before anything happened but they continued well into the twilight hours like they didn't have class next day. (They did and man were they hung over and the was a dance that night so they had to sober up quick so that they could get wasted all over again) I don't even have to tell you all that not everybody made it out of that apartment unscaved there were some injuries. But who am I to judge because I made some bad choices myself the very next day. I decide to go to a dance even though I had a ton of work to do for work the next day, which starts at 8 and involves me teaching children. (Bad decision making 101 rights here) I even had to leave work early to go and I almost got in trouble. But it was totally worth it. It was a barn dance and the music was awesome (partly because my friend was the D.J) but mostly cuz he kept me dancing. I was with all my new crazy friends. We have the man whore who's always hooking up (we had just got there and 15mins later we find them making out in the corner with some random chick) we have the wallflower who just stood around we had the couples who were freakin' inseparable. We had the party animal that was all over the place. the dancer, and the one who gets way too drunk, we had the responsible drunk who can still keep it together even though they are wasted (not like drive but keep us together and notices when someone goes missing without saying something) then we have me the fun one who ties everything together (basically I bring the party) it was so fun. There was a hayride and a bon fire which got a few drunks very sober very quickly. I was loud and proud I danced and had a really good time. It wasn't quite like back home but change is good. Overall barn dance was a night I will always remember one of those you had to be there to get it type things. Because words make it seem less that it was and it was a lot more than our language accounts for. ( here is one of the songs that i actually loved the from barn dance robyn)

skit: the truth about october

October is coming out month and it is all about being you ( and i think it is just so ironic that halloween is at the end of this month. if there was ever a holiday about not being yourslef but i digrees) I focus on being you a lot and I really don't go into the details about that. Last post I talked about being honest with you and how that’s really difficult and I didn't really talk about the details of that either. details details details. So many words so little space. Well to be yourself you have to be honest with yourself. But honesty is really hard sometimes. Actually it really hard most of the time. I mean if it wasn't so difficult our society and way of life won't value it so highly. It wouldn’t be so important to everyone. Everybody wants the truth because it is so rare that you get and it even rarer that you can handle it when it’s told to you. When the truth is out there you can never take it back. For example like me like this other blogger (inferno) and I can't tell him I like him. It’s kind of silly actually.  But I can't do it cuz we are friends and if he doesn't feel the same way things will be weird. The truth is I would rather suffer in silence than tell him how I feel because of the possibility that things could get weird. And if you can't even tell someone else the truth then how can you tell yourself.  And the funny thing is, it's you so you already know but you’re still lying anyway. What you’re really doing is running form the effect or stopping it from happening at all. But the truth is still there. And you haven't really told yourself the truth unless you have accepted it and allowed the effects of that truth to take place. Anything else is lying. But it is so much easier to lie. Until you find yourself up one night or alone in your house one day and you just can't get the truth out of your head. Until you can't get out of your own head. Then you’re trapped and you have three options tell the truth, smother and hide the truth in some dark place of your mind where you hope you will never find it again ( but you will), or kill the truth go completely mental and deny the truth until the end. ( I am not insulting any type of mental condition because mental health is serious stuff but I know if you kill the truth you do eventually "crack") so do yourself a favor pick the first one it is always the best option ( that’s why I listed it first) even when it doesn't look like it is. And I know I did a whole post on lying and I am not talking about that kind of stuff. Serious things that make a person who they are. Like sexuality. I am talking about life changing events good and bad ( not going to talk about it use your imagination) I am talking about when you can look in the mirror and you honestly don't know who you are anymore. I mean you know it’s you and life you live it, but that life your living isn't yours or it shouldn't be.  Like for me it is something stupid. I wake up every day and I go to class and I go to work. I talk to my roommates, classmates, "friends", and professors.  I eat I do my work and I go to sleep (I sleep sometimes out of need) but this isn't my life. I shouldn't be here. I am wasting the university's money and it could be going to someone who should be here. Who wants to be here. I honestly don't belong here. I belong in Michigan (in a college that is a 2 hour canoe ride from Canada) I hate snow and I hate the cold but I love it up there. I belong there. I feel at peace there and I can't explain why or how but I know that’s where I should be right now. They are getting snow on Wednesday and I was going to be vice president of the cacao club. I knew where I was going to live I made friends. I was going to set a world record. and on nights like this when I was having a rough time instead of being on my balcony staring pointlessly into the oblivion I would be canoeing across a river hiking up a ski hill and looking out onto the prettiest scenery I have ever seen in my life. And I would feel better. I would sit there and put myself back together because I would know where all the pieces go. ( lol there would be less truth to swallow). October is coming out month it’s be yourself month. It’s know yourself month. It’s putting all the pieces were they go month and being able to see the picture month. Its tell yourself the truth month.  skillet

skit: words words words

Hey guys so you know how I said I wasn't learning anything gay, well I lied.  I learned what polyamorous is. Is still doing know what aero spectrum is but I digress. Any way what is Polyamory? Polyamory is where you can love more than one person at once and/or be emotionally dating more than one person at a time. From what I understand of it ideal polygamy starts with ideal polyamory. I have to put ideal in there because theoretical someone who is polyamorous loves both people equally, thus nobody is shorthanded. All parties involved are given the same amount of love and treated the same. Same with ideal polygamy all partners are love and treated equally. However we are human and history has taught us that things that work in theory don't always work when applied. so even though I don't know if it works out this way in real life I am going to say at least 90% of the time it doesn't ( I mean statistics is not on their side). With all that being said I think that it is a really cool identity. I also think someone who truly identifies as this (not someone who just wants to sleep around that's something else completely) really is in touch with themselves. I mean you have to know yourself and the type of person you are to be able to say seriously and honest that you are polyamorous. You have to have a long conversation with yourself about yourself and how you love to know things like this about yourself. More importantly it had to be an honest one which nobody really wants to do. They think they do and they think they are being honest with themselves and they aren't. They are all liars. Because being honest with you is one of the hardest things to do. We like to lie to ourselves it makes us feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. (mmmmm hot piping steamy bowl of crap that we just served to our self mm it look good). Why because when you lie you are lying to yourself for your own personal gain. Like no theses jeans don't make me look fat and I am not overweight I am just finally growing some curves, but all of it is lies. it take more than strength to tell yourself the truth because if it is actually some deep stuff 9 times out of 10 its going to be something you don't even want to hear from God. So props to you for being able to talk to yourself. Then they had to explain it to the various people they are in love with and that could get messy. I am not going to lie I imagine that conversation going down like an episode of the Jerry Springer show. It doesn't look to classy in my head, thing don't go well. so just when you think our polyamorous friend is out of trouble there is one more unforeseen complication. They have to keep 2 people happy and treat them both equally.  I mean I know how hard it is to keep one women happy I couldn't imagine doing it with 2. I don't know about guys through. I just couldn't imagine how a male would react to being told that he has to share you with someone else. Polyamory people you’re the shit because you deal with way more that I could ever handle y'all got made relationship skills. That’s all I have to say about this post. I am going to a brunch today ( Sunday the 30th) if something cool happens maybe the next post will actually be a life post, but until then.

(is song is just odd it has nothing to do with post and i normally don't do covers but his voice makes the voice in my head scream at me to put it on here check him out)

Stay Fierce

Skit: talk to me

Hey guys this is one of those min post that I find myself writing in my philosophy class. People have started to post on my blog. And to those 2 people I want to say thank you. Thank you so very much. There is nothing better than going to check the blog and there being a comment there. It is the best feeling in the world. To the rest of you I encourage you to comment as well. I read them and respond to them because I feel like if someone took the time to write it I should take the time to write back.  If you write me questions I will answer them either in a comment, the little blurb that I put at the end of my big serious post, or a full on blog depending on the question. So if you have a question about something I wrote something queer or something in general I will answer it to the best of my ability. No joke yo, especially if I get asked something I know nothing about I will research it, talk to other people about it, I will find out about it. Then I will write back with what I found.  So please please please if you have anything to say about my blog, anything you want to ask, anything you thought about the blog or thought because of the blog share it. if you just don’t want people knowing it was you, you can comment anonymously. However beware if you comment as anonymous I will write back to you but I will refer to you as anonymous. Lol haha J so yeah leave comments on stuff. I write back unless you tell me not to. (song)

stay firce yo  

Skit: education reform?

this has nothing to do with the issue or how there striking but i thought it was funny because pony can't strike they do no work

I feel like I was going to write something else this week but when I sat down to write today I forgot what it was. I think it was going to be about something gay. Oh well. As you all know I live in the USA specifically the mid-west. And there is something interesting going on in my little region. Politics!!!! Oh yes the lying cheating and scheming continues in the bread bowl. My state in particular is very "good" at this. We have 4 governors in jail for various reasons.  Our mayors are a little better at staying out of jail but they still find themselves in hell of trouble. Like now are teachers are on strike because he increased the school day and didn't want to pay the teachers more money.  (I mean it's not effecting me cuz I'm in college but I loved 95% of all the teachers I've ever had and I think they should've been paid more money before the longer school day). But wait there’s more. The mayor hired a new ceo of cps (Chicago public schools) at twice the salary of the last guy (and trust me we are not getting our money’s worth). Then he was like let's increase the school day. And he passed this increase running on a platform of lies. Here was the idea (crap he fed to the uneducated parents): if we lengthen the school day then we can bring back art and music programs, library, recess. Our math and science scores will go up because we have more time in class. It sounds nice right but it's a load of bull believe me. To bring back art and music first you would need the funding. Because 90% of the time the cash isn't there. How are you going to have a program without the money to back it? You can have all the time in the world for art but when you can't even afford pen and paper (or to pay the teacher to teach the class). Moving on, he said test scores would go up because the kids will be in class longer, BS. Take it from someone who had the same class for about 2 hrs. a day just because the class is longer doesn't mean you learn more. You have the potential to but people don't always reach their potential. And last but not least the only truth to this speech of lies, the time will be spent mostly on recess. Not library but recess. Why because a library cost money that has been wasted higher up. It’s been wasted on administration and not even the ones in the school. No the people in central office who never see hear or come in contact with a kid. It's being wasted on the old ways instead of going with something new. They miss-manage and fall short all the time and then they leave the children to fend for themselves. And rather than just admit that they are doing a piss poor job they project the blame on to someone else. They blamed the teachers. It isn't their fault. It is our fault we as a people are failing. We are failing our children. The teachers are often the only people in the whole equation doing their job. The parents and the big business people are not holding up their end of the bargain. I may not be a parent but I am a child and I also am a teacher ( I teach kids to swim). As a teacher I know some of the tings these teachers go through trying to improve the life of a child that’s not even theirs. It seems to me from my own experience I am willing to do more for the child then the child’s own parent is. I support them, I listen to their problems, I help them settle their difference, I teach them, I help them find their way on this path called life, and yes I cry at their graduations ( even if it is just from kindergarten because yes that’s my baby). I to so many children I am their mom, dad, sister, brother, teacher, friend, and mentor. But I am only getting paid to teach. I go out of my way to try to do whatever I can whenever I can for these kids and their not even mine. If they are in a dangerous situation 9 times out of 10 they would rather call one of their teachers then there parents. But in the learning process not all children are as gun-ho about something as the teachers and they need the parents support. They need the parents to raises them and frame their values earlier on, because by the time that child is a teenager if they don’t value education by then they never will.  The system needs changing I agree but just like there are problems with the teachers there are bigger problems at home. The problems with the teachers most of the time has nothing to do with the teachers. Bad teachers are so rare. And when the teacher is bad all the students and faculty know it. if the principals and mayors care about weeding them out as much as they say they do then we don’t have this problem at all. The problem with the teachers is that they don’t have the support and they don’t have the funds. Their problems are they aren’t being paid enough because if they need something for class that the school hasn’t provided them they are going to go buy it for their kids out of their own pockets. They need to be paid more money for dealing with your precious little delinquents and going avoid and beyond their calling. Their problems are they don’t have the classroom space or size they need to begin to be able to teach effectively.  Their problems is they don’t have the resource that the Asian countries provided their children with because they understand the value of education. But there biggest problem is that they are being judged or told what to do by some suit who hasn’t seen a child or step foot into a classroom since they were in school. That no one, not even the children, understand the struggles they go through the sacrifices they make for a child that’s not theirs. (when the people who the children belong to aren’t willing to make the same sacrifices ) what really bother’s me is that the mayor Rahm has kids which he put in private school but never have I seen him with his kids herd that he does homework with his kids put just as much time into his own children that he wants the cps teachers to put into other peoples kids. What if the school day was equivalent to the time the average American parents is willing to spend with their child every day. I mean how can you ask someone else to spend more time in your child’s life then you are willing to? If you don’t want to be with them then why should someone else. What if we evaluated our teacher on how well they conveyed the information and our politicians on how much they actually improve the issues at had and leave us in a better state than they found us. We can’t impose rules on other people that we wouldn’t want on ourselves. the parents need to support the teachers in and out of the class room because for years the teachers have been supporting them. It is time to reciprocate and make this change for education that we so desperately need but it isn’t going to happened unless we stop focusing on the teachers and start focusing on ourselves. 

so i was in resource center and i couldn't pick a song so we decided on something gay sounding the sound is call colors.  this is gay.  if you don't like it not my fault 

Stay fierce 

Skitt: i found it

okay so a few post ago there was a song that i really liked but i didn't know the name of it or the words to it. Good news people of the world i found it. its called "The Funeral". i just had to share this with you. by chance after months of searching i had given up and then Pandora found it. look i always found this fish. i am having a good day man. finding things lol :) oh post is coming i swear i will finish it in philosophy class tomorrow

stay fierce

Coming soon to a blog near you

there will be a post as soon as i have time to finish it my scheduled is so freack cray, look . and all the clubs and like study times aren't even on there. but i promise i am mid way done writing something. and you will get it soon. ( like before october) if college was like this (click me)then i would be able to write more ( but its not like that for me so i feel very lied to). don't have time to drink or party :( i haven't even had a pizza dinner yet. i am not living that stereotypical college life. but then again when is anything in my life " normal". will update soon.

Sorry,

J-Skittles  

Skit: new beginnings ish

so you know how i am always talking about how i go/run the these queer events and i learn stuff yada yada yada. well a lot of the time i always get this response from people ; this stuff has nothing to do with my life i will never use this crap. policy change, who needs that crap? well i am here to tell you you may never use all the skills you learn in the policy change workshop because you might never ever ever try to change some policies. but the self vocalic skill you learn in that workshop you will one day have to use. unless you know you pay some one to advocate for you all the time or you decide to be a professional door mat. also coilltion buliding people use that a lot too. except here it is called study groups. now i know you guys are out there thinking "whats up with this chick she has lost her mind these to things are nothing a like." and you would be right because your missing the general idea your thinking to specifically. knock that off. a collection is a group of people who come together to  accomplish, more or less, a very difficult task, or achieve some goal. that my friends is exactly what happens in a study group. a group of people coming together to try to pass this impossible test we have on the 15 of September (FML).  any way one of the skills that everybody learns is networking. and this is college so duh there is a lot of that. in fact my RA ( resident advisory) stress to always use protection while networking. :) hahahahaha. anyway what i am trying to say is a lot of the crap you learn in high school that you think you will never use comes back to bite you in the ass in college. you guys have no idea how many college students do not remember the crap they " learned" their freshman year of high school that comes back to haunt them there freshman year of college. i get to laugh a lot, you have no idea. i have a lot of fun. i laughed so hard yesterday in class because one kid was afraid to as the professor about bathroom rules. i personally thought this was silly because if you want to know the only way to find out is to ask the right questions. thats how you get answers duh. so yes i encourage you to brush up on your " i will never use this again" skills because the truth is you do, at least one more time.

hey guys i am officially a college freshman. i know i have been saying that a lot but it wasn't true then. it is true now i have been to class i have books i haven't been doing home work or sleeping. i have room mates they are all great i might talk about them later on in other post. this part of the post is for updates. so i've been thinking about  switching the topic of the blog. in high school i was learning a lot experiencing a lot. in college i am still experiencing but not learning so much which just sounds really bad. i am learning education stuff like calc and philosophy but not really queer stuff which is what the blog is about. i will be taking queer studies next semester and by then i might be in most of the campuses gay groups by then but for now i will keep the post short and about my life. so all day story time for a whole semester yeah!!!!!! next thing is i am going to post bi weekly. hahahaha bi jokes ha. yeah um college take up a lot of time so i have little time to write, sorry. in fact i am writing this in my Phillo class. i know i am already a bad college student.  i know you folks are all out there like " skittles what are you doing with your life" to answer your question i have no freakin' clue but in two week i will let you know if i have figure it out. or i will have a story to tell you about my life and you can figure out for yourself what i am doing with my life. and i know that is going to be difficult i mean look at that random photo for this week ( sorry btw) but if it wasn't a little bit challenge i wouldn't be so interesting. i know i am a sexy steaming bowl of confusion lol. oh! one last thing through it has nothing to do with my life i do have a song for this week MY HEART SKIPS SKIPS A BEAT (love this it makes me want to swing dance. i think there is a club for that here.)

Stay fierce yo 

ps. sorry that you guys couldn't read it for like 4 days. my bad yo i always forget to fix the font and crap. i will work on that since i am only post every two week. ( i think i can do better)