A year in review: Pathos

I left this one for last because i find it the hardest to write about. I don't like emotions. I don't like talking about them or feeling them.  to be honest i had a rather tough year. i lost my wife, best friend, and lover in Feb  i never quite to the time to understand what she meant to me. or what she was suppose to mean. then i realize i have lost the focal point of my life. love has been the very allusive creature  that lights my life.  at the beginning of the year love was really calm and i didn't think i had it anymore. but boy did i have it and i didn't even know how well. so i spent most of the summer enjoying my "new found freedom". but i just don't hook up.  then i went off to college  let me tell you if you don't think choosing a school is emotionally conflicting you have never loved a school and had your parents hate it. i do truly one school i should have gone but oh well. the summer was probably the emotional high of the year. i had so much fun and i laughed til i cried. but i miss the beginning of the year. i met the some of the most amazing people at the beginning of the year how turned out to be one of the most hurtful people i met. I can say that just like the corrupt state i live in there are some corrupt people. and the fact the that there hurtful people in this world and that some of them will hurt me is discouraging. it makes me hard on the outside so that i can remain human on the inside. but the people i met at the end of this year at this school i hate. they remind me that humanity is not dead. that there are still good people in this world. who are loving and caring. they want to help me. that gives me hope that one day i will be able to find  people who don't require a wall. so this year in Pathos, i have loved lost hoped and loved some more. I have learned this year that yeah i need love, but that love doesn't have to come from someone else. i have said time and time again to love yourself and i think somewhere along the line i forgot that. so as an end of the year reminder i am not going to let all the pain make me cower in the face of happiness. instead i am going to take the pain and remind myself that i won't have hurt so bad unless i was happy in the first place.