a high, a crash, a low, then level out and repeat. Get high, try to get as high as the first rush. sometimes you succeed at a replicating the original high sometimes you don't. But each time you need to get a little bit higher, push it a little bit farther to get even close to the same effect. each time it takes just a little more and it doesn't even last like it did. there's always that crash and it seems that you fall harder and harder each time. falling faster then the day before, only to hit the concrete in the same spot, leaving yet another stain. or is it disdain. no that disdain is low. its not bad enough that you have to crash from the high but to land lower than you started. lower and lower each day. stair way to heaven, craters to hell. digging yourself a little lower with each impact. creating a physical whole that you have actually dug yourself into, you have the impact marks to prove it. it is a long bloody struggle back to the surface world. back to the beginning where all of this started. the slow brutal climb just to level out. you swear never again as you pieces yourself together. tell yourself you learned as you tend to the new wound your reminded by the old. you ask yourself why would a sane person do this. with all that you have left, with all that it took out of you just to be even again you vow that you will keep on this level plain. its not worth it. but before you even get the chance to utter another lie like " i'm going to get help" or " i'm quitting" your getting high again. and each hits a little bit worse than the last. each time you die a little more and lie a little less. you begin to realize your never going to quit.you don't even bother after a while to swear that it was the last time. you don't pick up all the pieces, you leave some scattered, i mean you'll be right back down there any way. you keep going through the cycle only living for the next high. always to high or low to even take a minuet to self reflect. i mean if you did, if you saw yourself would you even be able to stand it. can you stand it now, or do you need to get a little higher before you can deal with the facts. or will you just get so high that you won't even care, can't even care. let me tell you, you never thought you would be here in a million years. drugs, weed, alcohol, sex, money, lies, chocolate, shopping, sugar, work, it doesn't even have to be addictive any thing you can put and aholic. but you don't have a problem right? no not you. you have got it all under control you just need to take one more hit. it will be your 5th today but, look, whose counting? you know what your doing. and you will be doing it all day and all night. you know can't leave. just one more. you could get up the courage to break away, the motivation to change. but your just so tiered. just one more hit, to get the energy. you could form a plan and stick to it, really beat this time. but you can't think straight, you need one more just to ease your mind. and you do it just like you said you would. your so proud because its been one whole day. you knew you could throw it all away if you wanted to. you reward yourself just this one time with just one, but this a reward so why not two or three, soon its five or six. you have to start all over now. just can't shake it and you start the spiral. if you come live through the spiral, come back from the brink you will realize that you need to shake it quick fast and in a hurry. because its eating you alive. but if you spiral to hard and to fast. your dead. i guess that's just goes in the circle of addictions.
I guessed that this week of all weeks the least i could do for you all is post on time. so i made sure right something before hand. I wanted all of you to know that i appreciate all of you for putting up with me these past few months. i now the blog is suppose to be semi-educational, however i just haven't had much to share. this funk that i have been in since i started this whole mess of journey has take a toll on my writing and that is unfair to all of you. so bare with me a little longer because i promise i will have something worth while for all of you after the holiday post.speaking of the holidays i made all of my friends holiday cookies and passive aggressive decorations (both of which they loved). I also decked my freaking halls. i mean my apartment looks great. i did a theme this year based off of the bell reef that is hanging on my door. it is getting cold and i am looking forward to my annual trip south for the the winter break. i am thinking any city that lies directly on the equator sounds good. and don't worry i will decorate one of the native trees for my christmas. just cuz i don't have snow ( don't want snow) doesn't mean i would have all the other fix-en's of this time. I am very excited to go back to the city through i am a little more than disappointed that i might not get to see some one in particular my travel plans and his just don't seem to match up so when he is returning from his winter vacation i will be leaving for mine. :( i really wanted to see him too. but i will get to all of my friends. i am most excited to see my friend i call my lesbian counterpart (we are just friends) i haven't seen her in a while and the girls in NYC keep her very busy so we don't get to talk much. it will be nice just to chill and catch up. i might do a little homo cocoa session just to catch up with whats been going on. you know " WHAT'S THE T". then i'll prob see the girls then hang with the boys. kick it with my sisters and then leave for my tip. its bout to get busy i'll let you know how things shake out.Stay Fierce YO
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