Skittles: what it feels like to love them today

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?
Deep down a pain from your core that resonates out to every fiber of your being?
It's not Stockholm syndrome.
You have done nothing to me.
The moth in love with the flame.
I'm a fire in love with the fuel.
I'm the fuse of love with a match.
The bomb in love with the detonator.
The masochist in love with the pain.
I know you can destroy me.
I love you.
I love you so much I'll let you.
I love you so much I want you to.
I have come.
I am here on bended knee.
To present to you on a silver platter my heart.
I am here dying, bleeding,
I carved out my heart for you.
Ripped out the beating thing from my chest.
For you.
Obliviate me.

Skittles: I just want to sleep

For three nights this month my brain has decided to have hypomanic episodes. For me these episodes include racing thoughts, fixation, jitters, and unable to sleep. I'll be up all day for at least 13 hours, going about my day. When it comes time for bed my brian fixates on something and I can't sleep until I've completed the task, answered my question, watched all available episodes, etc. Even though I take my meds at roughly the same time everyday my brain doesn't care. Its not sleeping and can't disconnect from its trival obsession.

 Mania is usually attributed to Bipolar disorder and not really Depression. There is this thing where you have both and it has its own name, because hell is limitless. When talking about Bipolar disorder, mania is discribed as the high and depression as the low. I know what depressive episodes are like and they are not fun. However, that would leave one to believe that Mania is closer to a "normal mental state". That's not true either. If you haven't guessed, mania is its own demented hell. The difference between mania and depression to me seems to be energy levels. My depressive episodes feel like I have no energy or its all being drained from me. My manic episodes I have too much energy. There seem to be two distinct types of mania: Manic and
Hypomanic. Manic just seems to last longer or include psychotic breaks. The Wold Health Organization defines mania as "mood is higher than the person's situation warrants and may vary from relaxed high spirits to barely controllable exuberance, accompanied by hyperactivity, a compulsion to speak, a reduced sleep requirement, difficulty sustaining attention and often increased distractibility." If you experience Mania should definitely go see a doctor.

If you see the sandman send him my way.

Daily Struggles

To The Spider That Bit Me Twice:

Piss off! Don't bite people unless you intend on giving them marvel men type superpowers.
Thx,

P.S.: Rescue Romance

Isn't she Lovely

Please don't hate me,

I know you know what I'm about to say. You have been ingoring and I've been denying it. We have talked around it. Had two fights about it now. I'm really at a lost of what to do. I don't want to ruin a good thing. Believe me when I say I don't want things to change. Between you trying to kill me and my slight aggravation with your stubbornness I know where we are works. (Don't get me wrong I love that you're a brat, but it wouldn't work for me in a romantic setting.) Any more would end badly, we both agree. Not telling you and pretending not to care when I really do just isn't working.

I know how difficult this is on you already. I see it in how you approach our friendship. I see you struggle between being supportive/loving and feeding my feelings. I'm sorry I stress you so much. Cracking underneath it all at CC and needing you to help me keep it together as much as possible is just as much of a challenge. It just adds one more layer of complication. I have put you in a position where you are always saving me. I said I was going to stop running to you when I fell apart. I did, a little bit. After every traumatic thing that happens in my love life I stopped getting on a plane to see you. I still virtually run to you everytime I break, and you're there. You put me back together, everytime. Every romantic hiccup and every KU drama, its not fair to you. So whatever you want to do I respect.

I just want to stop fighting. I've done this before. I fell for my chem tutor hard, after he was done being my tutor and starting being my friend. I realised how gone I was one night when we got drunk. I ran, I pushed him away, and I avoided him like the black death without explanation. When he could find me he would ask me where I'd been and ask me to spend time. I couldn't tell him. I didn't want to love him. I didn't want things to change. I went from seeing him everyday at least once to maybe responding to one text or Facebook message a week. He got upset, rightfully so. We started fighting. I didn't want to fight. He started to push my buttons. Initially I was just sad and in love with him but when he started to push it hurt. I don't respond well to being hurt. So I fought back, but when I fight I come for blood and don't leave till you're dead. I went too far. I didn't have to avoid him anymore because he stopped talking to me. I was too proud to say sorry for too long. I lost my first and closest friend I made at college. I can't exactly avoid you, I work with you. I could find another play partner but it would be inconvenient and slightly more difficult than I would like. I would still be losing a friend and that part hurts the most.

You get the darkness in me and you're not scared of it, you don't condemn it. I don't show you that side of me much but when I have you don't flinch. I have two people who know me better than everyone else. They both know that part of me is there but one condemns me and the other avoids it. You're the only one who might get it. I can live so many of my feelings with you. You, Z, and Husband #7 are the only people who have seen me cry outside of family. I can be everything from suicidal to homicidal with you. You are so important to me. You give me permission to be myself honestly, with one exception. I cannot love you.

I love you Lovely. I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't. I have tried not to. I knew from the beginning of our friendship that romance was off limits. We have rules against it. Rules I've been breaking for at least a year and half. You knew too. As long as I didn't force the issue you were just going to let me keep breaking the rules. But I have to force the issue. I want to save this, not watch it die slowly. Piece by piece, every time you hurt me and I over react, every time you pull back, every time I walk away, every time I lie saying I'm fine, every time you go along with the lie even though you know, and every fight getting bigger each time.  I don't want to just drift apart until we completely disappear from each other's life. So I need to tell you I love you.

If you don't hate me, don't want to lose me as a friend, or want to maybe try to make our friendship work then I have a partial plan. Me having feelings means its a lot easier for you to hurt me. I take your words to heart, your opinion is super important,  and I am going to over analyze all of your actions. I will help you not hurt me. I will commincate and try to warn you as best I can. I need you to listen to me. You already know how to get me out head. Just remind me constantly that we are friends and I am an important person to you plantonically. You have to use the word platonic every time, it is very important. Say what you mean and be as clear as possible. I will do the same. Ambiguity is not our friend. I still would like snuggles if that's okay. Please try not to shut me out. I will feel like this is too much for you and run. I am here for what ever you need me to do too. The more we stay the same in our actions towards each other the easier this will be. I'm so scared of change and loosing people. Communication is key. We have talked about everything but this and its always worked out. I think its possible. Do you?
With remorse and a lot of distress,

J Skittles

I can't tell Lovely right now, its really bad timing. Two members of the board are already extremely concerned with my personal relationships that I have with every board member, this would not help.  The same two board members say there's nepotism the executive dealings. With Lovely being my Assistant Director it would be more fuel for thier fire. Lovely is also pulling away from me lately. They have known for a while but maybe it is finally bothering them. I don't know. I just don't want to give them a reason to run. Not yet. I will tell them in end of August if things settle down. That will give them a decent amount of time to think before I could see them again. Also if they decide not to see me and end things, I don't have to see them until January. I definitely meant the part where I say  they're very important person to me. It breaks my heart thinking about losing my friend. I have already had enough of that this year and its just February.

P.S.: Which 4 letter word

I don't know which greeting to even use to start this email.  Do I use "hello", "hi", or "greetings"? Are we that friendly? We haven't talked in a while so do I put myself out there and extend the olive branch "missed you", "sorry we haven't talked in a while", or "how have you been"?  We still have a business relationship so do I adress you by one of your many titles, Mx., "Dear", or just your first name? I am writting you because I have a lot to say. I don't even know where to start.

I want to rebuild. No, I want to tear what we had down. Everyone keeps telling me it was\is toxic. That you are toxic. At first I didn't believe them, I was blinded by my love for you. Then a few to many heart aches later, I didn't want them to be right. We look at each other and I wonder if we actually see the other person? I didn't. I don't know if I can look at you without also me? I see so much of myself in you. So when they say you're poison, that means I'm poison too. I couldn't find a way to seprate you from myself. Then after you ran away from me a few more times, I was confused. How could I stand here, vulnerable, open, but standing my ground and you couldn't? I started to see all the "differences" between us. When you were scared I was brave. When I stood strong you ran because I saw you as weak. I the divide was very apparent when you were mad about black lives matter shutting down pride. I accepted my feelings and you tried to hide, down play, kill, and supress yours (unsuccessfully). You settled into suburban white picket fence gay hetero normative cis domesticated life. I started to listen to my friends, even through they don't know you. They don't understand you and they are very bais against you. I listened to them even through they didn't know me like you do. It got easier and easier to just blame you. To say you were the one at fault and I was the righteous one. It got so easy to be the loving martyr, the person who didn't know how to stop loving, the one who never ran out of forgiveness, and the one who saw redemption in you when everyone else just wrote you off as a lost cause. To everyone else I was hopelessly trying to save someone who would always take advantage of my kindness. You were the monster. We had enough history, and everyone could see you love me when you look at me. Everyone, even those closest to you believed me when I told them. I told every boyfriend I met, except the current one. They all sided with me. I told them its not your fault, you were really a great person, and that they were lucky to have you. You just couldn't love me back. What a fairy tale monster they began to see. Misinterpreting my therapist is what really did it though. She said I was better than you. I deserved better than you. I told my best friend and asked him who's better. "If I'm too good for them, than who's better? Gandhi? The Dali Lama? Obama? I think Michelle would be upset with me." He said "Break up with them and find out. Steer clear of Obama though, I've seen Diaries of a Mad Black Woman." That was the last straw. I flew to break up with you. I had to always be the one who was right, and one breaks up with people in person.

One thing I didn't think of until you ran away from after we broke up, was that I'm toxic too. You left your home, your responsibilities, and an event you loved, just to avoid seeing me for 5 days. I didn't see it at first, who bales on CC last minute? Why? Then I remembered, I'd already done that, Denver. I know what you're feeling. I've felt that. I have lied to you about my life, just in different ways. I still don't trust you after all these years. I don't communicate either. I stay angry for months, all you get is radio silence. Then I come back like I haven't just shut you out and everything is fine. I could just tell you I'm upset just like you could just tell me you love me. But we don't, we pull away, we run. We are broken and sometimes we hurt each other with our sharp edges. I was so caught up in being the winner, the good one, that I never thought about how I was hurting you. So wrapped up in my pian I didn't see that I have hurt you. I didn't even see the pain until now. I have never apologized for all that. Despite the pain, when I was done, you were the one to have faith.

We were making progress. The distance, whether we like it or not, was and still is probably the best part of our relationship. It allows us to heal and think. We both hate confrontation, but hate being shut out even more. If we lived closer to each other their would be a lot less confrontation and in the lot more avoidance. The distances gives us the ability to justify when we shut each other out. The distance meant I couldn't just come over and talk to you, not that I would have. It meant we had to sit down, compose our thoughts, and then write them out. We didn't really say things we didn't mean in our writing. We were slow about it. We were slow about everything, that is also a good thing, now that I look back. We built up trust, something neither of us give lightly. I felt like every time we trusted each other a little more, we were really giving each other more rope to hang ourselves with. Hang myself I did. We were in each others mind. We both know, walls can keep most out, but we are engineers. There are few feats we cannot conquer. Walls are child's play for us. We both though made fortresses in our minds. We thought we were impenetrable. Great minds think alike, but fools rarely differ. Where we so smart we came to the same conclusions or so complacent with our pain that we adhere to the same rules? Anywho, you already know how to get into something you've already built. We never pushed though. The understanding that we would come around in our own time was mutual. When we caught the other in a lie we just went along with it, like we didn't know it was a lie. We didn't always know the exact truth, or why the other lied but we never forced the issue. I loved having that faith. That even though you have a key, you will wait for me to invite you in. We also started saying more of what needed to be said. We stopped watching idely, we were always there for emotional support, waiting to be called on. We started saying the hard truths. We knew what action would be easy to take, but we also knew which one was right, no based on one's specific selfish gaols, but based on the others long term motivations. Even if it would not bring me closer to you, if you thought it severed my long plan, Amoriartii, you would tell me what I needed to do. I did the same for you, even when I know you didn't want me to. When we burn it all down, I want to salvage the good things.

If we can't salavage the good after its all been wiped clean, then I want to build better. We need to heal. We need to heal separately. I know second chances really don't exist. Life's not a video game, you can't just start over. We carry our history with us. But instead of a uhaul can we try only bringing a small carry on back to this. I'm not trying to minimise our history but I don't want to drown in it either. In a perfect world, our history is reformed as lessons "textbooks" we take with us and can look through when we are trying to find answers to current problems. I need to learn to trust, not lash out (or run away) when I'm hurt, to communicate, not to take out my pain on others, to forgive, let go, to see you for you, and to listen even when I don't like what's being said. I can't force my process or yours. I've been learning patience believe it or not. Though I'm not completely competent in it yet, I'll be here. I have no clue what life has in store for us. I don't know if you still want me in your life. Someone once said " We're like fusion and fission. Life keeps pulling us apart and putting us back togther..." At somepoint we have to stabilize right? I hope that we end up in one another's life somehow. I don't make promises I can't keep, you know how I feel about promises. I promise I won't give up faith unless you ask me to.
XOXOXOXO

J Skittles

I can't send this letter because Amoriartii asked for space. I have to honor that. Also this doesn't really address any of the messed up things they did like complaining to me, a Black person, that Black Lives Matter completely ended the pride parade in their city. A city where the Queer POC population is overwhelmingly the majority, yet the parade itself is 90% White. They have been complaining about another board member owing the money from 2016. The board member in debt is the poorest person on the board and lives below the poverty line. Amoriartii has 2 full time jobs and isn't hurtting for money at all. Finally, what brought me to break up with them, excluding all the external factors, they lied. I made one rule: don't lie to me I'd rather have you say nothing then lie. They lied about being in love with me. They said they weren't and they are. I don't lie either I evade or not answer but I didn't lie. So do we hate each other?  Probably not. Do we love each other? I'm not sure. Is there pain here? Absolutely. Is there joy, bliss, happiness, and glee here. There use to be but it's been a long time! Does the joy out way the pain? I pray to God it does.

Skit: I'm starting a new series

I have had an idea for a bit and I haven't been motivated enough to get it off the ground. Until now! The series is called emails never sent titled "P.S.: ____".  Very simple concept. I write the emails that for whatever reason I didn't send I'll tell you who they are to and after the sign off the reason it will never be sent. If I do end up sending it or part of it, I'll do a follow up and let you know what I sent titled "Actually P.S.:____". The tags for this seris will be emails never sent. Doubt can be a crippling emotion. This allows me to let things out and contemplate if I should actually say something. You all get to watch, well read. Enjoy.

Skittles: Valentine's Day 2018

I read an advice column at the very start of the day. I was up at midnight after binging some Star Trek. After another frustrating conversion with Vendetta (at least she is texting back at the moment), I was all set for bed. I was conducting my final scroll through Facebook when I saw it. How to Get Over an Infatuation. I thought this sounds right up my alley. I need to shake this sickness for Lovely. The person who wrote in seeking advice sounded just like me, except the relationship they were describing was Amoriartii and I. The writer wanted to know how to exorcise their Ex's presence from their life, feelings and all. The writer described thier Ex's existance in their life like a parasite or a un heathly limb, that will kill the whole body if left untreated. I read what they wrote, internally screaming this is me the whole time.

Two different people responded to request. The first person person was a guy. I hated his response other him telling the person to go see a therapist. So I'm just going to skip him and go to what the woman said, he was useless anyway.  She says a change of perspective might be needed. She also brings up the point that if you completely purge yourself of a moment you lose what you learned too. I have learned so much in my relationship with Amoriartii. It helps me with Lovely and Vendetta a lot. I have learned to communicate, to be honest (that's a working progress), my self worth, that I "need" to be the top romantic priority, and that equity in a relationship is important to me. If I erase Amoriartii from my history then I lose all that. She stresses self exploration and reclaiming power. I love in an all consuming way. My love for someone can transform me into something super natural. I can do everything and more. I can over archive in school (I had to try very hard when dating kimmy not to get straight A's), excel in my extracurriculars (I won all my individual swimming races, I won my Rube Goldberg competition by single handedly building an exceedingly extra contraption), my work is performance is better (I coached 3 kids towards nationals), and my other relationships are better ( I was the best sibling, best child, great friend my chores were always done, and my parents trusted me). Or I can suffacate, where everything falls apart. If things aren't going well in my love life everything dies because of it. When kimmy broke up with me all I could do is work and do school. I struggled less with trying not to get A's and more with not ending up in the counselor's office. Every essay no matter the topic was dark. My English teacher ended up calling me Po (Edgar Allen Poe) because of it. Every art project was depressing. I had to start erasing my doodles on any math or science material that got turned in because my teachers where "worried" to put it politely. I still swam agressively, but I had stopped eating. Surviving on a diet of my prescriptions, a daily multi vitamin, water, and gatorade. My sister's noticed something was wrong maybe a month or so after when I finished a swimming race, immediately went to the locker room, and fainted. I woke up in the hospital with the doctors reporting my parents for gross negligence due to my malnutrition. The effects of relationship with Amoriartii are extremely obvious if one looks at my history. I need to stop falling to pieces every time my love is on the rocks. I've already began to take the steps to stop being so passive in my life. It is not that Amoriartii had all the power, it was just easier to blame my bad decisions on them and play the victim. In truth my relationship with Amoriartii in terms of how both of conceptualized it we were always equals. We see each other as almost mirror images. We are so similar that we almost always agree. However we both understood the fact that if we ever differed it would be the end. When we fight, regardless of if we are actually right, fight to win, to the death. We have never had a fight. Not one. I've been upset with them, they have been upset with me but we have never argued. We have never even had intellectual debates. When we disagree the person who is less invested in the topic just yeilds to the other. We are naturally competitive, so we must find a way to let that out. What has worked is we have best dressed competitions during conferences we attend togther. The problem is I wanted this so bad. I loved loving me. I didn't care about the toxic aspect because I found myself. I never once considered that maybe, knowing who I am, loving someone else who is also me and has not worked through trauma might not be good.

I would be lying if I said I was ready to walk away from Amoriartii. We are two sides of the same coin. I know I cannot be with them romantically. However, I don't want to lose someone who knows me without me having to say anything. That is rare. We both need to grow and heal a bit before we come back to one another. I want to see if we can be friends. We are so connected and comfortable. I think hard lines, communication, and respect will do us good. Not a new chapter but a sequel is in-store for us.

Skittles: what it feels like to love her today

2/14/18
I'm afraid I'm In Love With a Star.
I'm afraid I'm in love with a Heavenly Body,
that philosophers struggled to name.
For who names angels?
I'm afraid I'm in love with the farthest star, that can be seen with the naked eye,
with no light pollution.
I'm afraid I'm in love with something so aw inspiring,
that it is the muse for art, poetry, and love songs,
but also provokes innovation.
I'm afraid I'm in love with a fire that I will never experience in person,
never be in the same space.
I'm afraid I'm in love with the potential to give life and support life,
that I will never truly understand.
I'm afraid I'm in love with something that has traveled so far,
and known so much.
I'm afraid I'm in love with a multi-dimensional being.
Both a particle and a wave,
and whatever else she wants to be.
I'm afraid I'm in love spectrum of colors.
Some I can't see,
or even begin to comprehend,
I wish I could.
I'm afraid I'm in love with a origin story I won't get to know.
I'm trying to make peace with that.
I'm afraid I'm in love with the light that has already burned out.

Skittles: beyond all the words of it

I am human. I forget that sometimes. I am my worst critic. I never remember that. I am an expressionist. I communicate best in person with my whole body. My voice says so little, even using different notes. My face illustrate. My hands direct or get ride of extra enery. I jump, stomp, shake, move etc. I prefer to write though. I can hide behind nuetral words that don't convey much of anything. I don't have to really pick if I'm being offensive or defensive until the other person responds. I can blame misinterpretation or say that the person didn't read into it enough. I am not even keeled. My emotions always run on high. I am not good at hiding my feelings. So I write.  Sometimes it seems like all I do feel. Rather than talk it out, convey, be understood, and share, I write. My emotions feel like a prison more often than not. I can't ignore the walls or the bars just because I can't see them. Everyone else can see the cell I'm trapped in. The only way to get out, is to confront them. I write, knowing I'm the only one who understands. I wrote to Lovely today, begging them not to break my heart. I know we're "just friends." There is trust there, understanding, acceptance, and they are fine as hell. I don't ask them to love me back. I know they won't. I don't ask them to acknowledge that I love them and be gentle with me either. Lovely already knows. I see them struggle to tread the thin line of being affectionate and giving me the wrong idea. Lovely is just loving with their platonic friends that they care about. I get that, as super cuddly person myself. We are important to each other, though I feel like they are pulling away from me recently. We don't talk about it though. It is the only thing we ignore. We can talk about every other type of feeling other than love. I don't want to ruin a good thing any faster. I know that eventually my feelings will drive a wedge between us, and it will be over. My heart always wants whatever it can't have. I knew before Lovely and I became friends that it was going to be platonic. I know I should try to talk it out now, before it gets worse. I know saying nothing does not end well. I know I also cannot just walk away from my friend either. I always end up caught in the thick of it. I am trapped, I can't simply wiggle my way out of this. I can't pen my way out either. I want this to work out. Deep down I feel like it can. Maybe, with the right words, because it will never be the right time. I do not believe my heart can take another epic of love story that ends in heart break. Its right on the tip of my tongue, but it refuses to come out. I am probably choking on my own anxiety. Trying to be so careful to use the right words, the moment rushes by. Why can't I just show them? I thought actions are louder than words? I want to show Lovely "I love you. I'm broken. I love this, what we have, as is. I want this, nothing more. But I love you so it's easier for you to hurt me. There are already plenty of cracks, to fall through or bleed out of, that haven't healed. But I come with warnings. Stay the path and you won't fall off the cliff." There is a way to make this work. I just need to make my stand. Looking to say something without letting words get in the way.

Skittles: Heavy is the head that wears the crown

I had two calls today. One with Amoriartii, and the other with my Financial director for my org. Both hard.

I was mad at Amoriartii. I have been hurt and have said I've had enough and I left. Then in my opinion they threw a tantrum and tried to leave me. It has been hard. I needed to explain some things to my board about everything and Amoriartii wasn't there to give their side of the story and that was wrong. I also didn't want to futher the distance between us by asking them to be there and then it turning into a screaming match. So lesser of two evils but now everything is my fault because I'm in charge. I should have known better. I should have been a better friend too. Now I unintentionally hurt my friend. Amoriartii doesn't trust me anymore and that was a trust that was so hard to gain. I loved having someone I didn't have walls with. Now I'm outside. It is cold and it sucks. I am very confused how I got here. All the hurt that I've been through. I never left them outside. I can't tell them how to feel or how to cope but I hate this. I did not want to hurt them. I never wanted to hurt them, even when they hurt me. Even when I was mad. It's going to take a lot of work to get back. I don't think I'm willing to jump through those hoops again. I think this one is lost to the ages. My heart didn't really break when I left them in July 2017. My heart didn't break when they tried to leave me in November 2016. My heart is breaking now. I think Amoriartii is really gone. I think we are no more, not star crossed lovers, not more than friends, not even friend's. A part of me is gone. If you have ever realised you weren't whole until someone came along and gave you a piece of yourself you were missing, you have known this other worldly love. Never let that go. I am now incomplete. I met my missing piece. We were one soul, one existence, in two bodies. I am singular now. I am singular, incomplete, and broken.

I have also failed as a leader. I made something so broken, that it can't work with me as its head anymore. There is such an entanglement of professional and personal relationships that run through out. I think the worst one is with me as the lead. I am not in a healthy space where even if there wasn't such basis that I should be on sick leave anyway. I will do what I can to fix this. To grow this and make it work. While also finding and training someone to replace me. I am poison and I need to be removed before I kill what I love.

Daily struggles

Dear cat caller,
I understand you want to enter my vagina, " when you gonna to let me come stretch that pussy out?" If you have such an interest and being inside the vagina take up Buddhism. I doubt with yelling obscenities at people you will get much luck in this life time. I believe the only vagina you have ever stretched out in your lifetime is your mother's. I doubt you will get the chance again. However, if you get reincarnated you may be reborn as a nicer person, giving you the chance once again too stretch out a vagina. As birthing babies is a lot more taxing then a penis. Please do a size comparison if you doubt. If you would like to spend more time in a vagina, try to aim to be reincarnated as menstrual sponge/cup. Maybe a gynecologist. A maternity doctor or nurse. Or an actual uterus. All of these give you more time with the vagina if that is your specific interest.
Good Luck,

J-Skittles