I am human. I forget that sometimes. I am my worst critic. I never remember that. I am an expressionist. I communicate best in person with my whole body. My voice says so little, even using different notes. My face illustrate. My hands direct or get ride of extra enery. I jump, stomp, shake, move etc. I prefer to write though. I can hide behind nuetral words that don't convey much of anything. I don't have to really pick if I'm being offensive or defensive until the other person responds. I can blame misinterpretation or say that the person didn't read into it enough. I am not even keeled. My emotions always run on high. I am not good at hiding my feelings. So I write. Sometimes it seems like all I do feel. Rather than talk it out, convey, be understood, and share, I write. My emotions feel like a prison more often than not. I can't ignore the walls or the bars just because I can't see them. Everyone else can see the cell I'm trapped in. The only way to get out, is to confront them. I write, knowing I'm the only one who understands. I wrote to Lovely today, begging them not to break my heart. I know we're "just friends." There is trust there, understanding, acceptance, and they are fine as hell. I don't ask them to love me back. I know they won't. I don't ask them to acknowledge that I love them and be gentle with me either. Lovely already knows. I see them struggle to tread the thin line of being affectionate and giving me the wrong idea. Lovely is just loving with their platonic friends that they care about. I get that, as super cuddly person myself. We are important to each other, though I feel like they are pulling away from me recently. We don't talk about it though. It is the only thing we ignore. We can talk about every other type of feeling other than love. I don't want to ruin a good thing any faster. I know that eventually my feelings will drive a wedge between us, and it will be over. My heart always wants whatever it can't have. I knew before Lovely and I became friends that it was going to be platonic. I know I should try to talk it out now, before it gets worse. I know saying nothing does not end well. I know I also cannot just walk away from my friend either. I always end up caught in the thick of it. I am trapped, I can't simply wiggle my way out of this. I can't pen my way out either. I want this to work out. Deep down I feel like it can. Maybe, with the right words, because it will never be the right time. I do not believe my heart can take another epic of love story that ends in heart break. Its right on the tip of my tongue, but it refuses to come out. I am probably choking on my own anxiety. Trying to be so careful to use the right words, the moment rushes by. Why can't I just show them? I thought actions are louder than words? I want to show Lovely "I love you. I'm broken. I love this, what we have, as is. I want this, nothing more. But I love you so it's easier for you to hurt me. There are already plenty of cracks, to fall through or bleed out of, that haven't healed. But I come with warnings. Stay the path and you won't fall off the cliff." There is a way to make this work. I just need to make my stand. Looking to say something without letting words get in the way.
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