Skittles: Heavy is the head that wears the crown

I had two calls today. One with Amoriartii, and the other with my Financial director for my org. Both hard.

I was mad at Amoriartii. I have been hurt and have said I've had enough and I left. Then in my opinion they threw a tantrum and tried to leave me. It has been hard. I needed to explain some things to my board about everything and Amoriartii wasn't there to give their side of the story and that was wrong. I also didn't want to futher the distance between us by asking them to be there and then it turning into a screaming match. So lesser of two evils but now everything is my fault because I'm in charge. I should have known better. I should have been a better friend too. Now I unintentionally hurt my friend. Amoriartii doesn't trust me anymore and that was a trust that was so hard to gain. I loved having someone I didn't have walls with. Now I'm outside. It is cold and it sucks. I am very confused how I got here. All the hurt that I've been through. I never left them outside. I can't tell them how to feel or how to cope but I hate this. I did not want to hurt them. I never wanted to hurt them, even when they hurt me. Even when I was mad. It's going to take a lot of work to get back. I don't think I'm willing to jump through those hoops again. I think this one is lost to the ages. My heart didn't really break when I left them in July 2017. My heart didn't break when they tried to leave me in November 2016. My heart is breaking now. I think Amoriartii is really gone. I think we are no more, not star crossed lovers, not more than friends, not even friend's. A part of me is gone. If you have ever realised you weren't whole until someone came along and gave you a piece of yourself you were missing, you have known this other worldly love. Never let that go. I am now incomplete. I met my missing piece. We were one soul, one existence, in two bodies. I am singular now. I am singular, incomplete, and broken.

I have also failed as a leader. I made something so broken, that it can't work with me as its head anymore. There is such an entanglement of professional and personal relationships that run through out. I think the worst one is with me as the lead. I am not in a healthy space where even if there wasn't such basis that I should be on sick leave anyway. I will do what I can to fix this. To grow this and make it work. While also finding and training someone to replace me. I am poison and I need to be removed before I kill what I love.