I read an advice column at the very start of the day. I was up at midnight after binging some Star Trek. After another frustrating conversion with Vendetta (at least she is texting back at the moment), I was all set for bed. I was conducting my final scroll through Facebook when I saw it. How to Get Over an Infatuation. I thought this sounds right up my alley. I need to shake this sickness for Lovely. The person who wrote in seeking advice sounded just like me, except the relationship they were describing was Amoriartii and I. The writer wanted to know how to exorcise their Ex's presence from their life, feelings and all. The writer described thier Ex's existance in their life like a parasite or a un heathly limb, that will kill the whole body if left untreated. I read what they wrote, internally screaming this is me the whole time.
Two different people responded to request. The first person person was a guy. I hated his response other him telling the person to go see a therapist. So I'm just going to skip him and go to what the woman said, he was useless anyway. She says a change of perspective might be needed. She also brings up the point that if you completely purge yourself of a moment you lose what you learned too. I have learned so much in my relationship with Amoriartii. It helps me with Lovely and Vendetta a lot. I have learned to communicate, to be honest (that's a working progress), my self worth, that I "need" to be the top romantic priority, and that equity in a relationship is important to me. If I erase Amoriartii from my history then I lose all that. She stresses self exploration and reclaiming power. I love in an all consuming way. My love for someone can transform me into something super natural. I can do everything and more. I can over archive in school (I had to try very hard when dating kimmy not to get straight A's), excel in my extracurriculars (I won all my individual swimming races, I won my Rube Goldberg competition by single handedly building an exceedingly extra contraption), my work is performance is better (I coached 3 kids towards nationals), and my other relationships are better ( I was the best sibling, best child, great friend my chores were always done, and my parents trusted me). Or I can suffacate, where everything falls apart. If things aren't going well in my love life everything dies because of it. When kimmy broke up with me all I could do is work and do school. I struggled less with trying not to get A's and more with not ending up in the counselor's office. Every essay no matter the topic was dark. My English teacher ended up calling me Po (Edgar Allen Poe) because of it. Every art project was depressing. I had to start erasing my doodles on any math or science material that got turned in because my teachers where "worried" to put it politely. I still swam agressively, but I had stopped eating. Surviving on a diet of my prescriptions, a daily multi vitamin, water, and gatorade. My sister's noticed something was wrong maybe a month or so after when I finished a swimming race, immediately went to the locker room, and fainted. I woke up in the hospital with the doctors reporting my parents for gross negligence due to my malnutrition. The effects of relationship with Amoriartii are extremely obvious if one looks at my history. I need to stop falling to pieces every time my love is on the rocks. I've already began to take the steps to stop being so passive in my life. It is not that Amoriartii had all the power, it was just easier to blame my bad decisions on them and play the victim. In truth my relationship with Amoriartii in terms of how both of conceptualized it we were always equals. We see each other as almost mirror images. We are so similar that we almost always agree. However we both understood the fact that if we ever differed it would be the end. When we fight, regardless of if we are actually right, fight to win, to the death. We have never had a fight. Not one. I've been upset with them, they have been upset with me but we have never argued. We have never even had intellectual debates. When we disagree the person who is less invested in the topic just yeilds to the other. We are naturally competitive, so we must find a way to let that out. What has worked is we have best dressed competitions during conferences we attend togther. The problem is I wanted this so bad. I loved loving me. I didn't care about the toxic aspect because I found myself. I never once considered that maybe, knowing who I am, loving someone else who is also me and has not worked through trauma might not be good.
I would be lying if I said I was ready to walk away from Amoriartii. We are two sides of the same coin. I know I cannot be with them romantically. However, I don't want to lose someone who knows me without me having to say anything. That is rare. We both need to grow and heal a bit before we come back to one another. I want to see if we can be friends. We are so connected and comfortable. I think hard lines, communication, and respect will do us good. Not a new chapter but a sequel is in-store for us.
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