P.S.: Rescue Romance

Isn't she Lovely

Please don't hate me,

I know you know what I'm about to say. You have been ingoring and I've been denying it. We have talked around it. Had two fights about it now. I'm really at a lost of what to do. I don't want to ruin a good thing. Believe me when I say I don't want things to change. Between you trying to kill me and my slight aggravation with your stubbornness I know where we are works. (Don't get me wrong I love that you're a brat, but it wouldn't work for me in a romantic setting.) Any more would end badly, we both agree. Not telling you and pretending not to care when I really do just isn't working.

I know how difficult this is on you already. I see it in how you approach our friendship. I see you struggle between being supportive/loving and feeding my feelings. I'm sorry I stress you so much. Cracking underneath it all at CC and needing you to help me keep it together as much as possible is just as much of a challenge. It just adds one more layer of complication. I have put you in a position where you are always saving me. I said I was going to stop running to you when I fell apart. I did, a little bit. After every traumatic thing that happens in my love life I stopped getting on a plane to see you. I still virtually run to you everytime I break, and you're there. You put me back together, everytime. Every romantic hiccup and every KU drama, its not fair to you. So whatever you want to do I respect.

I just want to stop fighting. I've done this before. I fell for my chem tutor hard, after he was done being my tutor and starting being my friend. I realised how gone I was one night when we got drunk. I ran, I pushed him away, and I avoided him like the black death without explanation. When he could find me he would ask me where I'd been and ask me to spend time. I couldn't tell him. I didn't want to love him. I didn't want things to change. I went from seeing him everyday at least once to maybe responding to one text or Facebook message a week. He got upset, rightfully so. We started fighting. I didn't want to fight. He started to push my buttons. Initially I was just sad and in love with him but when he started to push it hurt. I don't respond well to being hurt. So I fought back, but when I fight I come for blood and don't leave till you're dead. I went too far. I didn't have to avoid him anymore because he stopped talking to me. I was too proud to say sorry for too long. I lost my first and closest friend I made at college. I can't exactly avoid you, I work with you. I could find another play partner but it would be inconvenient and slightly more difficult than I would like. I would still be losing a friend and that part hurts the most.

You get the darkness in me and you're not scared of it, you don't condemn it. I don't show you that side of me much but when I have you don't flinch. I have two people who know me better than everyone else. They both know that part of me is there but one condemns me and the other avoids it. You're the only one who might get it. I can live so many of my feelings with you. You, Z, and Husband #7 are the only people who have seen me cry outside of family. I can be everything from suicidal to homicidal with you. You are so important to me. You give me permission to be myself honestly, with one exception. I cannot love you.

I love you Lovely. I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't. I have tried not to. I knew from the beginning of our friendship that romance was off limits. We have rules against it. Rules I've been breaking for at least a year and half. You knew too. As long as I didn't force the issue you were just going to let me keep breaking the rules. But I have to force the issue. I want to save this, not watch it die slowly. Piece by piece, every time you hurt me and I over react, every time you pull back, every time I walk away, every time I lie saying I'm fine, every time you go along with the lie even though you know, and every fight getting bigger each time.  I don't want to just drift apart until we completely disappear from each other's life. So I need to tell you I love you.

If you don't hate me, don't want to lose me as a friend, or want to maybe try to make our friendship work then I have a partial plan. Me having feelings means its a lot easier for you to hurt me. I take your words to heart, your opinion is super important,  and I am going to over analyze all of your actions. I will help you not hurt me. I will commincate and try to warn you as best I can. I need you to listen to me. You already know how to get me out head. Just remind me constantly that we are friends and I am an important person to you plantonically. You have to use the word platonic every time, it is very important. Say what you mean and be as clear as possible. I will do the same. Ambiguity is not our friend. I still would like snuggles if that's okay. Please try not to shut me out. I will feel like this is too much for you and run. I am here for what ever you need me to do too. The more we stay the same in our actions towards each other the easier this will be. I'm so scared of change and loosing people. Communication is key. We have talked about everything but this and its always worked out. I think its possible. Do you?
With remorse and a lot of distress,

J Skittles

I can't tell Lovely right now, its really bad timing. Two members of the board are already extremely concerned with my personal relationships that I have with every board member, this would not help.  The same two board members say there's nepotism the executive dealings. With Lovely being my Assistant Director it would be more fuel for thier fire. Lovely is also pulling away from me lately. They have known for a while but maybe it is finally bothering them. I don't know. I just don't want to give them a reason to run. Not yet. I will tell them in end of August if things settle down. That will give them a decent amount of time to think before I could see them again. Also if they decide not to see me and end things, I don't have to see them until January. I definitely meant the part where I say  they're very important person to me. It breaks my heart thinking about losing my friend. I have already had enough of that this year and its just February.