Daily struggles

The first snow and everyone forgets how to drive.  Plus my commute was way longer than it ought to be because wet and cold automatically means ice. Struggling so hard today

Skittles: and again

The sound of his voice sounds so good. <\3 shouldn't be missing you.

Skit: Mizzou

Just in case it wasn't apparent I stand with all people of color that have their life threatened due to racism.  I especially stand in solidarity with all students at educational  institutions based off of white supremacy. I know your struggle. I know your fear.  I've cried far too many tears. I understand your frustration. I feel your anger.  I am there with you walking the the same treacherous road.  I know your pain all too well.  But I don't know how more I can hurt for my people.  I don't know how many different ways I can say black lives matter.  I don't know what I have to do to make pepole wake up and realize that racial inequality is real. Words hurt. I've been called racial slurs and I've  said them, and there is nothing but hate and hurt behind them.  For a country so obsessed with black culture you think they would also love black people. But I rather be called the n word then actually endure systematic racism at my educational institution. If you don't know what that looks like it looks like an all white faculty in a department. It looks like your studens of color feeling underrepresented and/or afraid. It looks like not having a cultural center or not having mentors they can relate too. It looks like tokenizing. It definitely looks like drowning out a protest. It looks like a higher drop out rate and a lower graduation rate. If you read this and say wait some of these things sound like every major institution you'd be right becuase it is SYSTEMATIC. It is all over the places, one of our greatest plagues if you asked me.  I honestly get sick of writing about it, becuase it takes a huge emotional toll on me. It's my duty as a queer POC writer to cover every story I come across becuase that's how things go viral. We must force the issue and demand the attention. So I will continue to write every story, even as tears cover my keyboard. I will write even though it hurts. I will write becuase school is hard enough with out threats and acts of violence impeding on the learning process. To all that would bring harm to my peaceful Students of color know that I am watching.  I have thier back.  I will not stand for such unjustices. I will be there for them against you, that I swear.

Skittles: things I find

I found this and relate to it so much.

“Stop. You can’t love me because you’re lonely, or because I am the only one who doesn’t piss you off. I want to piss you off, I want to get on your fucking nerves. I don’t want the responsibility of always being your rock. I will try, but I’m a mess, too. I lie, I sleep too much and I don’t like children under the age of 6, really. I don’t even know if I want kids because I’m selfish, and mothers can’t be selfish once they decide to carry another life.

I’m always looking for the rain to come so I trip over my own feet. I know exactly what the air smells like before a storm.
Before you fall in love with me, I want you to know that I cry a lot because it feels good, and I masturbate at least 4 times a week, and you might fall out of love with me before either of us are ready for it.
I have no experience with this. I’m trying to be brave and smart but its almost impossible to be both at the same time.
You can’t love me like a fire escape. Sometimes I will be the match, or the smoke under the door. I don’t know what I’m doing, all I know is that we all catch fire sometimes, before we even get warm.
Before you fall in love with me, I want you to know that there’s a 50% chance that this won’t work, that one of us will wind up hating the other. I will try to keep your head above water, but sometimes I’ll need help, too.
I can’t be your savior, and I don’t expect you to be mine. Just watch me unfold and I’ll watch you unfold, too. We’ll get drunk and tell each other everything. I know that’s cheating but maybe it’ll be alright. Maybe we won’t wake up embarrassed.

I am going to fall in love with you, too, feet first. Maybe we’ll slow dance off a building together, maybe we’ll have forgotten each other’s names by this time next year. I don’t care, the sky is gray with or without you, so I’m not going to look up anymore, I’m going to look ahead .”
—Before You Fall in Love with Me, Caitlyn S.

I feel this becuase I don't know what love looks like now for me.  I do know that I talk to much.  That my anxiety eats away at my confidence. The loneliest does make me clingly. But I'm too closed off really open up.  You could say I have trust issues but I'm manipulative enough to tell you anything you want to know without telling you anything I don't want you to know.   I don't need someone who is put togther. Don't exspect me to have it all figured out either. I'm am secretly every damsel in distress Disney Princess, don't let my super woman costume fool you. I trip over more than my own feet.  I choke on words and emotions. I don't say sorry.  I don't play well with others. I color outside the lines on purpose.  I don't know how I passed kindergarten. I'm cautious and reckless at the same time.  If you move too fast I'll get scared and run but if I'm ready you better be ready for a huge next step too. I don't know what I'm doing or if I should even be doing it but we can figure it out togther if you would like

Skit: trans* media

I went to go see a series of shorts called Southerns for Pussy.  What suprised me was all the family aspects and motifs throughout the film. It wasn't the normal storey of a rejecting family it was lots of family positivity. From the last short where her mom helps her pick boys on Grindr and then get ready for the date.  To the second short that showed positive choosen family values through the wisdom of elders. It showed a different narrative that many of us don't think is possible.

Let's go back and talk about the first short. It wasn't scripted and focused on finding the fetishizer. It took place in the woods where she was hunting for perverts. Through this I was the metaphor for sex work. Where the sex worker is looking for customers but also opening themself up to being fetishized.  What I liked about this short was it gave the female trans women the power in n the situation by having her do the hunting as apposed to being hunted.

In the Second short the family aspect, felt more like fantasy, setting the ideal. It also adress oral trans history, were the information is hard to get to, becuase you have to know someone or have a in. This was represented through an alice in Wonderland hole in wall. Kind of a  beautiful secretcy, symbolism for conversation we need to be having openly. Such as how nobody thinks about growing old or access to elders. With the trans death rate so high nobody thinks they will make it to 50. But in this fantasy it gives us room to dream about what it would be like to grow old.

Over all the film felt very fem power positive. It was also very artsy and hard for me to grasp the first go around. But after  watching it again and through discussion you're able to realize how deep the shorts really are. They cram a lot into 15mins a short.  If you have access to Open TV beta I would recommend watching it.

Skittles: Hello

Hello by Adele is the apology of owed to Godric since 2013. I tend to avoid Adele becuase she brings up feelings for my ex's that never really went away. I have never had my heart break so loud, it over comes the rumble of a train.  To be in love with someone you don't want to be in love with is difficult and makes getting over them even harder. I still care about him a lot and will always wish him the best. I know I should make an attempt to apologize. But so much time has passed that I don't think he would care or accept my apology.  I don't want to disrupt his life by digging up the past. So the guilt will be my burden to bare becuase is my fault anyway.

Skittles: I got a man

I am in a relationship with Cyborg. It's very different from every other relationship I've been in. It's calm and relaxing. Every other relationship I've been in has been up beat and fast paced. This is like two friends hanging out making out.  I'm trying to decide of that's a good thing or not. You should date  someone you get along with. We get along and enjoy each others company. He likes me for my personality but, I want to feel desired and desire him in return. I've also never dated anybody while I've been depressed so this is a new thing for me. I'm constantly rediscovering myself living with depression and anxiety. And now I'm faced with a new challenge of discovering someone else.

Love challenge

I am going to try another self love challenge becuase I did so well the first time lol. Instead I'm going to brush my teeth, wash my face,  eat some chocolate, apply chap stick, and take a deep breath and smile at myself for a minute. We are going to start next Monday. We'll see how this goes after 10 days. 

Daily struggles

Struggling to be a good queer blogger

Skittles: the beast is awake

For the pass four years I have identified as asexual. With very brief short feelings of sexual desire intermently through out the 4 years.  I also identifyas demisexual because when ever I would fall for someone I would be okay with more physical love too. But I kissed a boy on Sunday and haven't been able to sit still since. I don't know if its him or me.  It's honestly to early to tell. but it's like I haven't eaten in ages and I'm famished.  Sexual things that bothered me on Friday I am completely fine with today. I don't know if I'm ready to give up the asexual identity. This might just be a super strong phase.  I feel like a new person. I'll keep you posted about my progress.

Skitt: Beautiful Now by Zed

Every summer I party and dance with my favorite homosexuales. This has been a time honored tradition that's going on 5 years.  I like it so much becuase we don't see each other all year and we come togther like no time has passed.  Its beautifully evanescente and tragically young at heart. From June until mid August, though this ran unusually long and just ended Sunday, we bask in each others happiness. Feeding one anothers soul by validating everyone's experiences. All of my favorite memories are from the summer time.  Though it has really been a hard year with a rise is trans* and POC murders  the summer gives us space to laugh, cry, find meaning,  heal, and grow. I think a if I were to put the feeling in to words I wouldn't do it justice. But I have a pop song that is just like this summer. I always choose pop songs becuase of how little time they, like us, spend in the sun. We are Beautiful Now, by Zed

Skittles: I found more Janani

Read this article on Black Girl Dangerous about how colonialism has become a buzz word for queer and POC activist a like. It's written by my favorite part of the dark matter artist duo Janani Balasubramanian!

Skit: Radical politics of interracial dating

I have said before knowing what I know and being a radical activist that it would hard for me it as a  QPOC to date a white person. I recently read an article by black girl dangerous, how to resist white supremacy in your love life. It asks us to analyze what we find attractive. To really examine our superficial attractions what they say and how they limit or discriminate against others for instance if you only find a certain sense of style attractive think about who's better able to afford that sense of style. The more money the more privileged. Saying that you're attracted to only a certain fashion sense is as bad as someone saying no fems, no blacks, no Asians, on Grindr. Its a classist statement that supports capitalism and has its roots in colonialism. I myself am attracted to status and power, and how do you achieve those? Usually with money and privilege? The people we think about when we think about status and power are white cis hetero men, which is problematic.
Understanding what your attractions and making sure that they're not discriminatory is only half of the solution, figuring out what drives attraction is also important. Are you into radical decolonialized loved or are you still rooted in our social upbringing. I, for one, have not escaped years of social conditioning, yet.  I like power because of an understanding of social hierarchy and my need to be on top of the hierarchy. If we demolish the systems of oppression  there wouldn't be a social hierarchy. I guess I could say prominence and power prove an ability to provide. But social capital that proves financial stability is only further linked to privilege and white cis hetero males.
The last part is to date what you like not what you want to be. Addressing internalized racism is hard. I struggle with it all the time, the reluctant desire to be white.  I permed my hair when I turn 21 as to conform to Western standards of beauty and subsequently whiteness. As soon after couldn't stand it and cut it all off. Hating my hair being too ethnic. Hating myself for wanting my hair to be what's it is not. Straightening my hair feels like the complete disregard and muder of my ancestors. While the kinks and curls in my hair feel like a culture I never knew and never wanted to. Loving someone should look  like loving my hair, and myself.  If someone can't truly love my curls then they can't love me. 

Skit: Lil BLK

I went to go see a performance art peice yesterday called Lil BLK, by my friend and teacher Nic Kay. Nic was my dance and movement director when I was a part of AFYT. They struggled with me becuase I am so uncoordinated. I am also uncomfortable moving my body in public spaces.  Nic says I hold a lot of tension through out my body and I need to let go.  I hear you hold a lot of pain and trauma through out your body and haven't learned how to heal it or let go.  Nic on the other hand moves like they have never felt pain.  I know that's not true but when they dance it's mesmerizing. Lil BLK is no exception to that. It's about a fairy boi and a little black girl learning how to love thier female body. It's also a biography so you get to watch them grow up, discover each other, go to church, and deal with pain. I could go see this performance again and again its so powerful.  It beautifully deals with issues that arise growing up as a queer black girl.  It ends with a letter to a little black girls that is healing and transformative.  Really a must see for all pepole of color who's body is more trauma than water.  Go see this

Skit: Gender galaxies

I went to go see Muse an art exhibit asking questions about gender. It is a reinterpretation of famous pieces of art done by male painters of female subjects. The reinterpretation  photos taken by a female photographer with a male model posed and dressed very effeminate. The most credible being man with pearl earring. What I liked about this reinterpretation is they took paintings by male artist that made the female subjects look submissive. Most of them are paintings of women in various states of undress or posed provocatively. Painted by men of women for men. Very reminiscent of porn. This  reinterpretation asks the questionwhat is female what is male? How are they represented differently through art? What does it look like when a woman depicts a man? Who has the power in that situation. What is it like for a man to take on female subjects through different lenses of re-exploring gender? I am a little disappointed though because I feel like instead of making the man submissive that in the photos he got to be very empowering. There are many different ways of interpreting that. For he is suppose to be embodying the female subjects and representing them. Taking on this effeminate character. The photos are also suppose to destroy the idea that gender the line with male and female at opposite ends. Rather gender exist in a galaxy in a four dimensional space. The axis being masculinity, femininity, time, and difference.  If you look at the photos in that sense in the empowerment is necessary.  It wouldn't question societies treatment of genderqueer people to paint them submissively. Since this installment is primarily about asking questions I've devised a couple. Throughout the process what was the power dynamic? Getting into character to pose for the photos what gender do you feel you identified with if any? What did you
learn and or learn to question about gender doing this installment? What intersexual identities came up as you worked on the different pieces?

Skittles: 9/23/15

Happy Bisexuals awareness day

Skit: I went to DC

A while back I went to DC to see my friend we lovingly call Mom.  Mom is the type of guy to make sure you have a coat,  hat, and Long Johns on in 25°. Overzealous mothering type for sure.
While I was there we talked about the different groups we felt a part of and we both feel most comfortable in the white queer movement. Mom is half Latino non Spanish speaking. I'm all Black and Spanish speaking. We discussed what it was like to not feel ethnic enough. I have never felt part of the black community and Mom feels that the language barrier creates more disparities between he and the latino community. We were both raised in primarily Caucasian neighborhoods and when examined define our ethnic backgrounds by the stereotypes. Mom sees latino men as not being able to escape the poor or working class life that is plagued by wage disparity and crime. In his lense latino men don't go to college and higher education isn't expected. Mom just doesn't identity with that.  He has always valued education, and middle class life was always the goal. Similarly I feel like the African American community lacks drive and long term goals. I have always felt like we have valued different things. This not actually being the case but it was what I grew up believing. Mom and I addressing this internalized racism that we grew up with is something we are still coming to terms with.  I feel more at home in the Latin@ community as I feel like we do value the same things, education, drive, hard work, and  family. But what makes a community is more than values and actions in the media, it's people and history. You will never know what your community values unless you talk to them. Vernacular and language really don't separate a community, mindset does. We both know so one in the community who seems drastically different from us but at the points where it matters we were brought up to value the exact same things.  Our racist perception of people based on how they dress and talk has shaped our relationship with our community in a negative way.  It has also led to self loading and a disconnect between us and our heritage. To begin to self heal would be to seek queers like us.  We might not be ready to jump right into our communities. However, we can reach out to begin to build  a ethnic queer group, as we both seem fairly comfortable in our queer identities. We can begin to deconstruct years of the wrong ideology we learned through friendship and open minds. I think relationships building and the understanding we came through that will be a helpful tool in beginning to accept ourselves our communities.

Skittles: because someone doesn't that believe that it's silly and stupid

I went to emporium, an arcade bar, tonight ( on a date) and got my butt wooped at a number of games.  But I still had a fun, all be it embarrassing, time.  It's nice to be embarrassed becuase for once I'm being honest.  You don't feel  that way without facing rejection from your honesty or being caught in a lie and being forced to be honest. The worst part is its not out right rejection as much as it is the fear of it.  We feel embarrassed because we think that others find us silly,  sad, strange, ect. They might not actually feel that way at all. We often cause ourselves to feel this way becuase of our own insecurities. So I could fret and feel awkward becuase I'm am embarrassed. Or I could acknowledge that I put myself out there.  I want pepole around me who like me for me; the only way to find out if they can hang is to let them try.  Its perfectly okay not to be everyone's cup of tea.  Wouldn't you rather know up front? You don't make friends with people you will not mesh with by being yourself from the beginning.  I'm going feel awkward becuase I'm human, I can't rise above years of social conditioning in one night.  But I'm also giving myself a hug for not trying to be something  that I'm not.  I'm going to hope that they are okay with who I am.       I also want to learn who they are, and hope I like their kind of strange.

Skittles: becuase of dark matter

Doctor I'm having trouble loving beyond the overwhelming amount of heartbreak.
Living beyond all the death of my muders
Happiness beyond the hurt and how we got here
Standing beyond and in spite of the gravity.
Is like I'm hurting but I don't know where, why,  or how I ended up this way.  There's all this blood and I might be bleeding but I don't know from where or if it's even mine.  I'm drowning, bleeding, hurting, dying, struggling and I don't understand it either doctor. We'll try living another day and support the systems of oppression. Build a couple monuments you to my self inflicted pain so I can be the victim. Also give me a xanax so that my desire to burn the patriarchy aka " anxiety" is lessened. Thanks doc I feel nothing so I guess that's better

Daily struggles

Having too queer of a weekend. Thanks mom (not my actual mother,  my friend that I call mom)

Skittles: Vives Q

I finally had time to attend my first Vives Q ever. Vives Q is a community organizing event that brings in speakers to talk about issues facing the queer brown/Latin@/ Hispanic community. Vives Q is an all ages event that brings together multiple generations in one room.  It is run by my friend, fellow activist, and lesbian and gay hall of famer Emmanuel García. It has everything you could want from a queer town hall.  It has time in the beginning for chatting and networking over free food. You can also get tested for Hiv and get condoms. Emmanuel conducted an interview with the night's speaker, Dr. Carlos T Mock. He is an author,  doctor, and an activist.  The conversation was thought provoking and you could text any questions you had for the speaker which keeps the audience involved and engaged. The performances immediately follow the interview portion. The performance space is a way for the community to take part in this event in an emotional way. People come out to support their friends and family plus get a little bit of knowledge before hand.  The acts can be anything from a short story to a drag performance. The event really supports local talent and gives a stage for people who long for the spot light. I think Vives Q  is necessary and vital to the community. It brings us together, informs us, and gives space to issues that might otherwise fall by the wayside.  Vives Queer!
#yeshomo

Live blogging: Vives Q

I will be live blogging about Vives Q! so this post will be continually updated throughout the night. I will post time stamps of each one.  You'll get at least one on the hour every hour.  Though it might not be on the blog until a few minutes pass the hour. #yeshomo

6:00pm
Messing up already, forgot to post at 6. It's starting, we're having pizza not a lot of pepole are here yet. A very chill per-performance space. 6:20pm

7:00pm
Getting started, there is a speaker. I don't know what the topic is yet.  This is the last one of the season so it feels very last hoary.  There's a couple announcement as to keep the community informed. Excited to see what is like once it gets going. 7:05pm

The speaker is a white Puerto Rican author. It's interesting to me to think of white pepole born in countries claiming the nationality. 7:45pm

The interview portion (the speaker) of the night is almost over. We are doing the audience question.  You can text in questions and I really like that.  Also the  speaker is Dr. Carlos T Mock. An author, doctor, activist, white Puerto Rican, cis man.  7:52pm

8:00pm
His HRC side is coming out I have a lot to say about HRC, but this is not the place. I wonder if he sees the privilege he had and the power he had.  I wonder if he regrets picking marriage over employment, education, bathrooms,  murder, health care, housing, funding, ect. I think from his final statemens he does regret picking marriage first 8:00pm
  
rrxing a story
8:05pm edited at 8:15pm

There are performances now. The first one was a story. It was about consumption and labor. Then there was a song, creep by radio head. Followed by  a poem called rotten apples.
8:24pm

So the performance part is like ameture hour at your local coffee shop.  It's cute sometimes but most of the time you clap becuase the people are your friends. The last preformer was really good.  Skittles likey.
8:33pm

Over - 8:40pm

Got tacos-9:00pm

I think Vives Q  is necessary and vital to the community.  There is plenty of time to talk and network atthe beginning. There is free hiv testing.  The interview talk highlights and discuss a variety of topics, that are important conversations with the community needs to be having. The performance part let's people who long for the stage get a shot that they often are not offered. Vives Queer
9:55pm

Daily struggles

Theme songs for creating change Chicago:
• Marina and the Dimonds
      How to be a heart breaker
• Alesso
      Heros
• Fall out boy
      Immortals

Daily struggles

Definition
Trans*: a person brave enough to wear whatever the hell they wanted, live how they wanted,  regardless of your rules and their bodies

Daily struggles

What do you say when you know the time for words has long since passed? But you didn't know then what you know now. Sorry just doesn't seem to suffice. I have a problem with leaving words unsaid. I struggle to get out of my head.  Out there, silence is my only company. The screaming voices in my head make sure I'm never lonely. It's always the same old regret, I mean song. They both sound the same. 

Skittles: do a thing

If you are trans*, gender non conforming,   Gender fluid, or Genderqueer and are in the USA take this survey: www.ustranssurvey.org

Daily struggles

No content this month. I'm just going to take a moment to myself.  I can't be mad, passionate, or sad all the time.  I need time to not feel threatened every time I leave the house. Down for the cause, forever in solidarity, but self care is important.

Daily struggles

Not being able to hang till 4 am.  All the nope

Daily struggles

Seeing a band you've loved longer that all of your relationships, through 2 graduation, 4 schools, and a 6 year hiatus. It feels like a dream that never happened.  Aliens forever. #tokiohotel #TH Covered in Gold

Skittles:Looking at the world without a lense

I'm always wearing my glasses.  Even when I go swimming.  Looking at the world brought into focus, not only by my understanding of the systems of oppression, but with an actual bais tent caused by the glass in front of my eyes.  I took my glasses off to clean them and saw the world how I do for only a few seconds a day. Just taking my glasses off and looking at the world around me was nice.  I wish I could do that with everything in my life. The world doesn't seems so bad when it's just irregular moving shapes. Everything has soft fuzzy edges and the few lines there are don't seem that hard, or wrong, to cross. The details just fall away and all that's left is colors and blobs. All the violence just seems like shapes merging togther like a triangle and a circle making ice cream. Death looks like things loosing their color and becoming black or white.  The simplicity of it all is beautiful.  Ignorance just needs to be focused through the right lens.

Self love challenge: day ten

Even though today was a hard day all things considered. I still find it rather easy to write this now. 

1. I love that I love to work. Even if I was rich and didn't have to I would.

2. Patience is a virtue that I have.

3. I get along with others well. I  dislike a very few pepole for legitimate reason.

4. I like that I trust people until they give me reason not to.

5. I am very see through.

Half pass gone

Periods instead of semicolons.
Codependency is my least dysfunctional relationship,
So yes I do need them.
And something a little stronger than that decaf shit.
Knives need to have fun too.

Self love challenge: day 8 &9

I feel overwhelmingly compelled to continue even though it causes me much stress and discomfort. I find things that I love about myself each day now and want to write it down. So I am going to continue for a few more days.

1. I love that my eyes change colors based on mood particularly when I am in love, my eyes lighten to the color of amber.

2. I am very child like

3. I can turn the activism off

4. I have an automatic clock that only doesn't work when I'm sick.

5. I love my smile

Daily struggles

I don't write books because my political agenda would be super obvious. Once upon a time 2 youth anarchist set out to dismantle the system. Bigots tried to stop them. Rich people tried to disenfranchise them. Police harassed them and threw them in jail.  The road was long and hard, and weighted heavily against their mental health. The end.

Self love challenge: day SEVEN!!!

Today is the last day of this challenge, and I have nothing meaningful or deep to say.  No grand take away here.  Maybe I did it wrong? I am over joyed that this challenge is over.  This was way harder than I thought it would be. I have a lot of things I am proud that I have done or been a part of. However, things specifically about myself that I like is in short supply. I really only had to name 35 things I love about myself, why was that so hard. After day four it definitely got a lot deeper and more personal. I had to find non superficial things I like about myself, which required a little introspection. If I had to list things I didn't like about myself the last would never end. I wonder why it is easier for me to tear myself down then to build myself up? I should be able to brag about myself, but alas. Next time I need things that I love about myself I wil have a list already made.

#cfsselflovechallenge

1. I love all of my scars. They tell my dark story that I really  never talk about but always think about.

2. I love to luagh, and if given the choice in the situation I will laugh instead of cry.

3. I can ask for help.  It's hard and I don't like to do it, but I can.

4. I love, leap, look in that order. Life is more interesting that way.

5. My motivations in life often lie outside my myself and that has kept me alive.

Daily struggles: travel addition

Actual conversation with my father

Dad: You're going to Arkansas and not telling me.

Me: I sent you flight plans via email.

Dad: Who are YOU going to see in Arkansas? Send me thier address.

Me: Are you worried about me being in Arkansas for two nights?

Dad: You're my child, of course I'm worried!

Me: You weren't this worried me let me stay with mafia members India. What do you think I'm going to meet up with El Chapo?

Dad: Send me the dam address!

Daily struggles: travel addition

I have a sore throat, a terrible cough, and the runs.  But I have places to be so onward we press

Skit: Why I don't like Caitlyn Jenner

First off this is a Queer blog by a Queer person who supports the Gender Queer movement. If you are looking for someone to validate your hateful opinions about her keep looking.  Or better yet, stop being fucking hateful. Why I don't like Caitlyn has nothing to do with her. I'm not here to talk about how she hit a person, killed that person, and got a way with it.  Those are the brakes when you're rich, white, and perceived as male.  I do have a question before I get started. I know trans* pepole prefer to be called by the name they choose. But what about when your previous self accomplished stuff? Do we say birth name did these things because that is what you were called when you did the stuff or do you want all of people to use your choosen name when referencing the past? I would love to know.  Any who, I don't like Cait or her award becuase the world is acting like they have never seen a trans* person before. Like they didnt exist before a white person did it.  We had two very visible famous trans* people of color before Cait, Laverne Cox and Janet Mock. They were not treated with dignity like Cait is.  They were both called men, not real women, asked about whether or not they had surgeries,  and thier genitals brought in to question. This has not happened to Cait on tv. Of course the Internet is still just as mean and so are everyday people. However, TV personalities have been welcoming, loving, trying to use the right name and pronouns; they are making an effort with Cait that they never made for the two black trans* women. I dont understand why nobody cares unless the person in question is white? There were trans* people of all races before Cait all you had to do to find them was leave your little privilege bubble. My second issue is even though she is doing a very public transition that is going enlightenment a lot of pepole and introduce them to the T in LGBT, I don't think she is brave. The trans* undocumented citizen, who disrupted the White House speech, is brave. She deserves that award so much more.  She is out there everyday standing up for what she believes in and is doing it knowing she could be deported. But I think she is too brown for the American people and thier corporate sponsors. She migt draw attention to more radical issues that we don't want to deal with yet. So Cait won all because she is white and rich and not radical. She will probably say some misogynistic shit and America will laugh. And it will get easier for white trans kids, but trans* kids of color will continue to struggle for thier right to live, to live thier true self, and to be treated with respect.

Self love challenge: day six

I am really happy I only have one more day.  I also decided I could add "negative" things to the list. The rules are I have to list things about my self I love or think it is worth celebrating.  As long as I love it, it can go on the list.  I will justify it for you, but mostly becuase I want myself to know why. 

#cfsselflovechallenge

1. I love my ADHD, I wouldn't want to be "normal.  My brain moves faster than ears can process sound. It fixates on things that everyone else would let go. But I understand stuff  that nobody else took the time to.

2. I love my language disability. It makes understanding and using spoken languages that much harder.  But I also notice how messed and inadequate up most spoken languages are becuase of it.  And it makes me better at ASL

3. I am almost legally blind.  My glasses make me look wiser. Also, I will soon have a handicap sign so I can park super close.

4. I'm stubborn. I have to learn things the hard way and don't often make the same mistakes twice.

5. I have the worst sugar tooth. Everyday is s treat yourself day.

Self love challenge: day five

#cfsselflovechallenge

1. I  understand and am capable of high edicate.

2. I understand code switching and the cultural relevance of dialects I use.

3. I think that if I was to be judge that I represent where I come from well. In think I reflect well on my parents, communities, and race.

4. I believe that everyone's definition of success has merit and is worth thier pursuit.

5. I love my friends like family, and am loyal to a fault.

Skit: A Macro macroaggression

So read this article first, ARTICLE.

Okay so now that we are on the same page let's gets the obvious out the way, yes this is still appropriation. Not cultural but it's basically plagiarism with racists intent, or effect. It would be different if they took it like people take a design revamp it and improve it by ten fold. That would be like taking a car and making a tank. Better! #growingupwhite noticing the major difference in how my white teacher treated the black students.  Or #growingupwhite being jelous of the love my black friend's mother had for him. Or taking it and making it serve a similar purpose for a different set of people. Taking a car and making it a minivan. Now it moves family's!  #growingupmexican would have been fine becuase it would have been celebrating the the unique and finer points of Mexican heritage that appear in everyday life and majority of Mexicans' children's upbringing. However, without permission, thought, or cultural analysis they took it and made it thiers #growingupwhite when you feel like you are entitled to the world. Which is when the twittet account  Black Twitter, and thier followers, step in to troll dey white ass. Reminder! RACISM IS PREJUDIC, OPRESSION, OR DISCRIMINATION DIRECTED AGAINST A DIFFERENT RACE BY A RACE THAT IS AT AN ADVANTAGE.  When you are the oppressor there is just certain things you can't do: have a history month, an association with only oppressors in it, have a cultural center, have a cultural based degree and use certain words. This is also one of those things.  Some should really write a guide book, privileged the do's and don'ts. ( it could cover being a man,  cis, hetro, rich, formally educate, white, American, Western, urban, native English speaking, able-bodied, ect).

Okay so the larger issue at hand here is still racism, which nobody seems to get.  The fact that white people felt left out of cultural bonding of a culture they aren't a part of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's like a boy feeling left out when girls bond over period struggles or wearing bras.  It doesn't concern you and not everything has to be about you.  Or is that just something ethnic kids learned growing up #growingupnotwhite. We need to learn we can't be part of everything, we don't own the lime light,  and sometimes you have to sit back and clap for someone else. Its oppressive becuase it was our moment in the lime light celebrating ourselves and in one unintentional swoop white pepole took it, mocked it, and robbed it off its cultural significance.  Like they do everything: art, music, theater, people, counties, ect. Becuase they feel like they can.  Becuase society says they can. #growingupwhite is a Marco micro aggression.  Because it is socially acceptable for them to do so no white person thought to them selves while making these tweets " this is racist" or "this is oppressive" .  Taking what you want is capitalism and thus okay.  But not actually.  It is macro becuase it exploded on twitter, a place used for trolling, making community, or being basic as fuck. Trolling is a funny overt form of aggression. So for whites to troll black culture is pretty messed up when you take a closer look.  And it's funny just like the dressing up in black face and playing a fool was funny. Next time just let  it be.  Mind your business. Or as my mamma would say "sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up"  even when you think you not even doing anything #growingupblack

Daily struggles

The friend zone has nothing to do with the person I like and everything to do with me. It's like a kid wanting something that isn't thiers to have. I am just mad cuz I want it and can't have it.

Skittles

Me thinking out loud: I love everything that I've written about my depression the pass three years.

My depression is my romantic partner, this is why I haven't/ don't date.

*mind blown*

So true!!!!

Daily struggles

I'm writing (a) gender bill(s)

Self love challenge: day four

More than half way there. WOOOOOOO!!!!! I know I'm not suppose to say this, especially about this challenge, but I'm so glad this is almost over. That basically says I'm counting down the days till I can hate myself all day again.  ( I spend about an hour on this challenge a day trying to just be positive about myself) Which is not the case. However, it is hard. Yesterday after I was done with the post I was thinking of ways to cheat, turn negatives in to positives.  Like instead of saying I'm stubborn say I stick to my conviction. But I'm not going to cheat. I want this to work for me. I would like this to have a positive outcome.

#cfsselflovechallenge

1. I am emotionally in tune.

2. I have been winning the war against depression/ suicide for  14 years.

3. I really appreciate how well I react and handle stressful situations.

4. I appreciate my self care.

5. I like that I bring and spread the joy.

Self love challenge: day three

This is a lot harder than it should be, and I consider myself a person who is good at self love.  When ever I start my list all I can think of is things that I hate about myself.  I hope I have some deep revolution by the end of this. 

#cfsselflovechallenge

1. I love music, and own a huge variety.

2. I'm a karaoke badass.

3. I love to dance

4. I am amazing at signing in the shower.

5. I have a huge appreciation for musicals, probably something about signing and dancing.

Self love: day two

#cfsselflovechallenge

1. I'm good cook.
2.  I'm great at baking.
3.  I love trying new foods.
4.  I like to travel, explore, get lost in a new place.
5.  I love to share a good bottle of wine with good folks.

Self love challenge: day one

Intro; so for six more days I'm suppose to name things about myself that I love or think are worthy of celebration. It's a seven day challenge and the goal is to introduce a person the the idea of exploring one's self through love.

#cfsselflovechallenge
1. I adhere to my own code/ self discipline.

2. I take all things into consideration when making a decision. Not just rational but emotional ramifications.

3. I form deep emotional connections quickly.

4. I love to mentor and share my life so that others may learn from it.

5. I have been published 5 times this year already.

Daily struggles

I need to settle down, get a real job,  buy a cat. Struggle of being an independent black bisexual  gurl who don't need anyone, with codependency issue.

Daily struggle

When all your friends who have depression are having a really bad summer, but your doing fine.  I wish depression was like a period and we could all sync up and suffer togther and then be fine togther too. ( I mean as fine  as you can be with depression)

Skittles: fight the power

When the all black gate crew in Philadelphia tags all the white people's bags so that everyone else have over head bin space.
I wait to board because I hate standing in line. After they boarded first class they started gate checking carry on's becuase its a small plane and if every passenger had a carry on they would run out of space in the over head bins and would have to gate check all the bags that didn't fit anywsy. So if you didn't look ethnic they gate checked your bag. Gate checking is a pain becuase you have to wait after you get of the plane to get your bag.  If I wanted to wait for my bag I would have checked it. So me and this caucasian looking person have the same bag. I know becuase we were taking about it as we sat. Any who just like they did all the other non ethnic looking pepole,  they pulled her aside and gate checked her bag but let me go by. I am very amused by this and get a great deal of satisfaction from this.  That is all. Continue with your day.

Skit: choice or life?

I'd be pro life if we had the following:
Free accessible contraceptives of all types.
Quality comprehensive sex ed.
Paid maternity and paternity leave.
Free accessible government funded child care for 3 months and up.
Free manditory parenting classes.
If it didn't apply to incest, rape,  or medical needs of the mother (which includes her mental health)
If the father was forced to be a good father.
Jobs for unemployed expected patents.
Quality housing for the new family in a nice school district.

But it would honestly be cheaper to let people have abortions. So I'm pro choices, thier body,  thier life, and thier choice

Skit: separating the T

In more recent years there has been a movement to remove the T for the Queer acronym and community. The sexual identities aren't kicking the gender based ones out.  They are leaving on thier own volition, they are leaving the sexual identities like leaving an abusive  lover. Because let's be real that's what this relationship between the two has been.  The Transgender community is always the backbone of the movement.  They start it.  They are the ones risking it all with the most to loose, facing the worse consequences.  Then when they make progress queer cis folks take it, take all the credit, kick them out,  and make it hard for them to be part of the movement they started by letting them be harassed by the police,  taking the action to places that are  inaccessible to them, or being hostile to them when they are there. I would leave the cis gay community too for being that mentally and emotionally abusive.  The sexual community often leaves the gender community out when the sexual community is making progress, specifically when it comes to laws.  Many bills concerning rights of lesbians, gays, bisexuals, queers, asexuals, and pansexuals, ect.. could have included trans* rights. But said bill wouldn't have been passed if trans* rights were included so they get left out. I would know, I've choosen to cut the trans* part out in order to get a bill passed.  Saying "we'll come back and try again when we're done", it's been 4 years and I have yet to go back and make a trans* bill (today I got together with a group of trans* folks and I am going to support them in making a trans* bill).  That's usually the way it goes too. For fear of not being able to help anyone I left the ones that needed the most help behind.  I did get the bill passed if you were wondering. But people aren't just sexualities, races, or genders, they area combination. The right thing to do, what I should have done, is fight for the whole thing.  We fight togther, we should succeed togther, and fail togther.  I had to go Alex, who is trans*  and my fellow warrior in the struggle with this bill, and tell her I cut the trans* part so it could get passed. She should have smacked me and said we get it all passed or none at all.  But she didn't, she just continued to support the bill. And I know you are all like but we just finished marriage equality here in the states, is thier turn now.  It's too late!  First the sexual community has a bad track record for sticking up for the gender community so it's understandable that they don't trust the sexual community not to fuck this up.  Also having two groups fight separately for the same thing has never been bad or detrimental to the overall goal trying to be achieved. Second cis pepole don't know what's best for trans*pepole and unless we are going to let them run the show cis people will probably mess up. Cis pepole need to take a seat and listen.  Cis people I know that's hard to do,  being the majority and all it's hard to believe there's something you don't know about gender.  It seems like such a simple concept but its not. Take a seat! Third the sexual community takes things, claims them as thier own, and is very abusive. Fourth gender and sexuality are different it's easier to understand if you talk about them separately. It would help not to confused the two if they were separate communities. I love the trans* movement  and trans* folks but I support them doing what is healthiest and best for them. If that means leaving us then that's what they got to do!

Daily struggles

Juice, Drank, rainbow attire, water, cis white male hetro nomative gay agenda, sunscreen ... I'm Pride ready

Daily struggles

Where the hell are all my wedding invitations???????? If you'd was the most important Queer issue why am I not eating wedding cake right now??????

Daily struggles

So when are we going win the right not to be murdered or harassed by police. Or the right not to be fired for gender presentation, or being whatever gender I identify as even if it's different than what's on my birth certificate. But we won so who cares about these important issues right? #wewon #marriageequality #winning

Daily struggles

When your host committee works faster than the managing task force
#cc16  #creatingchangeChicago

Skitt: Ethical travels

So I went to India to visit one of my gays who's nickname only makes sense in American sign language.  It would literally translate to bright moon light.  But I guess we'll call him moon.  I was very worried about this trip.  I had no idea what I was going to name my travel album, I didn't even have a hash tag when I got on the plane.  I also wanted this to be an ethical trip.  I wanted to go and learn without placing the burden of teaching me on the people kind enough to keep me. I didn't want to promote western ideas, I want to sit back, shut up, and listen to other people. More importantly I didn't want to be the American who comes over eats some food, learns some words,  buys a sari and thinks they know India. I have to belive there is an ethical way to travel even for the ethically impaired, such as myself.  (Wanted to name my album bollywood, didn't for obvious reasons). I was in places that just breathed life into your lungs.  It's busy, hot,  everybody trying to get by the best way they know how.  Moon lives in a huge tower almost like a prince,  or mafia. They have 2 servants, 2 cooks, two drivers,  and anything else their little heart desires. I thought I would go to India and it would look like home.  But despite years of occupation the part of Mumbai I was in looked as a child would think it ought to and then some. Temples were beautiful huge white buildings with gold adornment. There were coconut trees everywhere, along with lots of other fruit trees. Cows!  Lots of cows and stay dogs. My first night I was surprised to see the city so alive in the middle of the night. I ended up naming the album paradise after the Coldplay album because of my first night there.  I saw these two broths laying out in divider  for the highway  on some slabs of concrete looking up at the stars before they went to sleep.  My first reaction was wow how beautiful that must be to sleep under the stars like that.  Only when I was safely in my friend's apartment laying on his deck, with a fan and ice water,  (cuz its freaking hot) did I realize there is no nuance in it for them because that is these two boys everyday (they are homeless and don't have a choice in the matter) I expected   India  to be very heavily influenced but it's resilient and refuses to give up.  I got a paradise, lush, hot,  and on the water. But for those who live there under the same stars I find so memorizing what do they dream about when they close their eyes? What does paradise look like to them and am I living it?  Could this be paradise?

Skit: Cyanide happiness

No the title  is not a typo. The more I go see Dark Matter, this being my fourth since March,  the more I have to report back. I am being to think we make our own happiness, out of a preselected number of resources. Like when you are born based on who your patents are and your demographics you are alloted a certain amount of tools and resources. Because happiness is a really abstract concept let's say you are building a house instead.  You are born Bill Gates's legitimate cis hereto male child. You are given money, connections, labor, land, and nice materials at birth to later build a house. Let's say you make the best of your silver spoon life and when it is time to build your house you have acquired beach front land, legendary architect and contractors, Brazilian red wood, and weapons grade metals, plus you still have labor. Now if you became a crack head and squandered your silver spoon life now all you are left with is a premade mediocre house on 25% of your original land. What if you are born black in America,  the one we all imagine the government is keeping down (they are keeping black people down but not all by themselves  black people are actively participating in their own disenfranchisement but I digress) such a cis hetero male black person is given hand me down tools, shack materials. But no land, money, connections, or labor. If they over come all odds they can end with a bit of money,  small decent piece of land ( at high interest rate), okay materials, and the skills and knowledge of how to build a house. They will then spend the rest of their life building the house as their life expectancy is much shorter than the rest of the general population, but the spouse may enjoy the house in her later years.  Now if the same black boy just lived life chances are he would either see all that he had stripped from him when he was  inevitably imprisoned or he would build a shack after gaining the knowledge and skill of how to do so and die in debt because of the land he bought to build a shack without money. If I was building a house when  I was born I would have been given connections, tools, decent amount of resources. I now also have the knowledge and understanding of what goes into building house and the ability to acquire land at a decent interest rate that I would be able to pay off before I retired. However, I know all of the people I have to hurt in order to build my house. I know what it really means to have money and how that money some how still ends up funding occupations or military ventures. I acquired a moral compass, ethics, ideal conditions for building a house. I can no longer, with good conscience, commit to such actions as building a house.  The system that we preside in, building a house has such negative ramifications that it is not worth it. The only way to build a house is to dismantle the system. So in a way academia stripped me of everything that I was born with.  Left me completely  unable to achieve what every human should be able to which is build a house, be happy.  Walking around knowing that you can't build the house everyone expects you to (which is way more than you will ever be able to) just fills you with doom, despair, and anxiety. Or you are only able to actually build your house as you approach death, because  you have literally been killing yourself to achieve it.  We see it all the time people work themselves to death, put themselves through hell,  live miserably, and for what? To eventually be able to build a house?  To eventually be able to do make our own happiness which will make us happy, regardless of how we continue to grow and change,  for the rest of your life? We are being sold an unobtainable dream and told to go obtain it. And we try our hardest which normally leads to misery or temporary happiness but nothing like what we were promised. A cyanide happiness that is actually killing us, plus we are still unhappy. Which I  for one think it's bull shit. I don't want to have to live in unhappiness forever and I doubt want the answer to achieving happiness to be dismantling the systems. I think we should be okay with temporary happiness in all its forms.  If that means a person's smile that makes you feel a little less lonely or a large cup of coffee on Mondays.  Why aren't these small temporary happiness enough. Would we all rather lead miserable lives and die for an irrational fantasy? If we took more stock in the good and stopped sensationalizing tragedy wouldn't our outlook on the world change.

Daily struggles

How do people not grieve the black and brown lives we've lost?  I have been crying for 2 days straight now. Not that my tears will bring them back.  Maybe if we were less desensitized and more empathetic like a humans should be we would stop killing each other.  Imagine if grieved every lost of America life like one of our neighbors dying. I don't think we could handle the pain so we would have to change.

Skittles: how high is the price of freedom?

The constant appropriation of culture that the offender has not struggled, or blead to understand. The fact that I can't claim a white as my identity to avoid oppression or help white women.  I would like to take a moment to remember the black and brown lives we have lost this year due to acts of violence, resting in power for peace are only afford to those whose violence or struggle ends when they are buried. I am a queer activist. But at the base of my activism I am motivated and driven by our community. I don't want to do LGBTQIA if it doesn't benefit everyone.  A community made up of people of all backgrounds, and the black and brown people in our community are hurting, suffering, and are under attack. We need to support them in any way we can. That means if your outside the black and brown community our lives matter. We are under constant threat of domestic terrorism from our fellow Americans and the ones entrusted protect us Americans. What are you doing to end the attack on you fellow citizens by your fellow citizens? If you part of the black and brown community we need to support each other.  I know that there is often a deep mistrust of your fellow man but if we cannot come together we will be continued to be slaughtered like animals. Yes, we have been at put systematically at a disadvantage and the media keeps perpetuating the wrong messages. But some of us have made it we must help bring our resource back to the community whether that be monetary or academic. The only way we are going to survive this is if we get smarter. Less adversarial physically and more combative intellectually. I know we are the weary from the fight. Heavy hearted from the death and the pain. I know we tired from the struggle. All we want is to be free. All we want is the right to be allowed to live life in peace with equality while also being black.

Skittles: things I wrote at work

I have horrible dreams and terrible nightmares;
And sometimes they switch places.
I confuse screaming and silence because they sound the same in my head.
Sleeping is the closest I can get to death without consequence.
I want to sip weak tea and watch the world end.
So everyday I watch the sky rip itself apart,
each day more violent than the last.
I have a cup of tea, not too strong,
close my eyes and pretend.
I dream horrible dreams or terrible nightmares.
I don't know which anymore,
they switch places.

Skit: why do I need gender inclusion

Gender inclusion is a big deal.  It can't be male or female space. We need to include more complex stories when we are trying to make comprehensive spaces to talk about differences in socialization, expectations and stereotypes when it comes to gender. To broaden who we accept and allow in these spaces only serve to add to our narratives and understanding of gender. Gender inclusion doesn't just serve the gender variant community but it also helps women. Any woman that doesn't want to remove body hair but is told it is unprofessional needs gender inclusion. Anybody who prefers single occupancy bathrooms needs gender inclusion. Anybody who wants their  employer to pay for hormones for medical conditions need gender inclusion. Any man that wants paternity leave to be as long as maternity leave needs gender inclusion. Anybody who is sick of society telling them who they can be or like because of what their gender is needs gender inclusion. We to need to work on accepting that gender doesn't have to be constant, it can change and evolve with our understanding of ourselves and how we relate to the world around us. In particular we need to work on making women's spaces that include, but are not limited to females, women, female bodied people, female/ woman identified pepole, people who express or feel a more feminine gender, gurls, and questing folks. Just because you have boobs and or a vagina does not mean you are a female and does not entitleyou to women's spaces.  On the other hand how much or lack of of vigina/boob envy you have doesn't exclude you from these spaces.  I personally like the word gurl because it is an all inclusive of all things feminine. Everyone who does not identity fully as Non-gendered , Agendered, Male, masculine,  Queer gendered, questing, and or other gender fall under gurl; along with female bodied people and pepole with at least two x chromosomes who choose to do so. To exclude a person who claims the identity is to invalidate them and all who had been or would have been denied before them.  Though the following example is not the same, I would imagine that it holds the same sentiment.  Black women were denied access to women spaces in times of segregation. They were dealt two blows,  the main one being racism, and the more subtle connotation that the color of your skin means your not women enough for this space ; or you're not really a women at all. Ones physically appearance doesn't dictate or equal expression, experience, or identity. So why do we assume such when it comes to gender?

Daily struggles

Life is mostly pain and struggle; the rest is love, food, and Netflix.

Daily struggles

When I have to play nice with with people I'd rather not acknowledge. Like who let all these peasants in to my palace. They are getting their basicness all over my excellence.

Daily struggle

When your registration fee is half your paycheck but then you find out that it's waived because you're on the host committee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Skit: coping

So I often talk about my love life or lack there of and this leads to certain assumptions about me.  Which is fine, I don't need everyone knowing my life.  I don't need the fame, acknowledgment, or personal judgment. However,  my new mentor doesn't get to see all that I do, for most of what I do only happens when I don't see them.  So I sound like a whiny privileged brat, which I am sometimes but most of the time I'm not. But to focus on the superficial is how I cope.  I am an emotional pillar and sounding board for 25+ people on the regular. I run my own organization. SCHOOL! (Which is a mess by the way ). I am battling depression, and am an advocate for mental health. Then there is family choosen and blood alike.  Do I complain? No.  Do I stress? Not really.  I handle my dam business,  like expected. I don't need recognition or a pat on the back for any of it,  though if offered a pat on the back wouldn't be turned down.  I do though take the mess in all other aspects of my life and blow my love life woas way out of proportion in order to compinsate. There is something nice about stressing over something menial. It lets me freack out and pace with little consequence if the wrong decision if made, or I choose not to make a decision (which of you have been following me from the beginning you know no decision is usually what happens.)  Nothing in my life seems as big or as troublesome as whatever is happening in my love life.  I didn't complain too much about amoriartii at the beginning of the year, I most talked about my travels.  But at the beginning of this year one of my closes friends was diagnosed with cancer, I  helped my homeless friends find shelter through the blizzard,  and prevent a hand full of suicides all before January was over. That was a good month by the way. Usually a lot more stuff happens, but blizzard, so not much people can do.  What might give someone else high blood pressure just washes over me.  But let amoriartii not wish me happy new year and y'all would still be hearing about it. Any who this is to say that there are many ways to cope.  This is just one of mine (by far the healthiest) It's important to have healthy coping mechanism that help you relieve  your stress and deal with your problems. I also bake, though I usually don't have the appetite to eat anything I make.  I like to run or bike, be outside in the air/rain.  We need to cope  because to cope is to admit that there is something wrong and take action to make it better.  Make sure your coping habits are positive and healthy.  What ever you are doing to overcome the hurt shouldn't be hurting you on a different way.  It's no secret that I drink, a lot ( I use the expression I can hold my liquor a lot) Some of it is socially but most of it is group therapy. Where my friends and I have decided to make a bad choice together and instead of process our pain  or stress together. We opt to drown the pain in cheap booze. We feel better together and less the more we drink.  Though we are all together and the intoxication doesn't lead to anything more than some bad photos it still hurts  us. We can't continue on this way forever because we will develop a habit, or liver damage. But you already knew that.  Like duh J-Skittles drinking won't solve your problems. What about healthy coping how do you know if its actually good.  Some things that look healthy still aren't. When I was in high school my first girlfriend dumped me.  I got the best grades that year and had my best year of swimming. I was also the skinniest I've ever been.  I would have been under wieght hadn't I built up all that mussel.  Nobody noticed anything was wrong because I was doing so well.  But I wasn't eating or sleeping because I was studying and training so hard.  I survived this way for year because of a condition that keeps me in the hospital for 2 or 3 days a month.  At which point they sedated me and pump me full of fluids and nutrients. It wasn't until after I  finished a race I threw up, started bleeding, and passed out, all in one smooth motion, did anyone notice something was wrong. My sisters force fed me everyday until I was healthy after that. My friends dragged me out the library/classroom.  It took me about 6 months to physically recover.  During which everyone around me noticed how everything  went to hell. Those 6 months were the worse because I didn't want to be better, and I had forgotten how to be a friend and a sister. All I knew was work,  swimming,  or pain. If i studied or swam hard enough I would feel the pain.  In short, positive-ish outcome, still a negative coping mechanism. Positive coping may not always look like progress but it doesn't add to the hurt and it allows a way for you to deal with the situation.  My backing helps me work out my anger because I get to kneed and throw dough. It doesn't solve the problem so it doesn't look like out is helping, but it helps me work through my anger in positive  way. Which will make it  easier to address the problem later, so good coping. It doesn't matter how you cope as long as it is good for you. There isn't just one right way to cope. We are all different it's going to take different things to help us work past stuff. As long as we keep trying and don't give up that's what it's really all about right?

Stay fierce,

J-Skittles

Daily struggles

I love my friends fiercely, but sometimes I forget to tell them so.  I live for the moments to show them my devotion.

daily struggles

The struggle not to perpetuate the systems of oppression in the everyday and  mundane, things like the title of a Facebook album or a snap chat hashtag

Daily stuggle

When you actually puke your brains out you get ideas, like I should write more drunk. Then sober you reads your drunk thought and ponders why drunk you is a better writer (while rage deleting the drunk excellence) 

Daily struggles

Morning anxiety means no morning caffeine.

Skit: my hair

Washing my hair has become a cathartic way to fight oppression. My family in the south have a saying " like a bucket that can't hold water". They say it when someone can't keep a secret, won't shut up, when someone is stupid, or something is useless. My hair use to hold lots of water. It would stay wet for days after I washed it and didn't take a blow dryer to it.  My hair would be heavy with water for hours. My grandmother once said it wasn't heavy with water but with history. My hair was full of our mother's life, experiences, struggles, pain, and joy. My hair carried their story, my origins. I recently permed my hair, raped it bare of the history. My hair feels lighter but more oppressive. My hair is like a bucket that can't hold water. It dries in minuets after I wash it. It doesn't even feel the same anymore. But while I am rinsing it. Standing under shower and letting water rush through, my head feels heavy.

Skit: the struggle between being a separatist and a hometown activist

I have friends that listen to hip hop and rap, the mainstream kind, in their Prius and feel "gangsta" or "hood". These are my friends that are hardcore on the Hillary band wagon.  They are going to vote for her with out any analyzing how she is promoting the white capitalist system. She is all about LGBT politics as long as those queer people are white and at least working class. My friends don't care, but I do. On the one hand, I don't want to vote for her because she is going to perpetuate and strengthen the system that endangers Qpoc lives by passing and promoting laws that make it easier for cops and other system enforcers to commit acts of violence against Qpocs. However, she will benefit some queers. She will make it so that privileged queers, like my aforementioned friends, will be able to go to the bathroom and not be discriminated against in the work place. Which is good. But I hate looking at my gender non conforming, poor, or people of color queer family and telling them "not today", "not yet", "this is not for you", or "we'll come back for you" because we never come back for them. We leave them behind to fight their own separate battle after they helped with ours believing it was an inclusive movement. This is what makes me a separatist, because I should have a movement that actually benefits me and my people. But I am a privileged Qpoc 60%  of the time and this movement does benefit me sometimes. And I am able to use some of the resources to help a few fellow Qpocs. I would rather reach some people than not be able to help anybody at all but it is attitudes like that that keep the separatist movement from succeeding. It needs to be all or nothing.  But I am going to vote for Hillary even though I am very conflicted about it. I will offer analyst of what she is really saying when she days that gay marriage is an important issue.

Stay fierce yo

Skitt: ode to April

So along with turning 21 this April I have learned a few things. Age does not equal action, experience does. 30 days is not enough time to write a poem about the complex nurture of my relationship with depression. Surviving means different things to different people. "The one" is a social construct. I don't need to date/ can't date because I have no need for "romantic love". There is no difference in how I love a romantic partner and how I love my close friends. The media plays a huge part in the prison pipe line system. I still like Amoriartii more than they deserve. I love Godric. My little brother isn't gay and I am way happier about that than I should be. Why is gay marriage getting more press than the murder of trans people of color? (Hint its because they're second class citizen) Bruce Jener is taking up way too much space in the trans community and I don't have any empathy to waste on her. Being a bad ass has a lot more down time than you think. The simple things in life will always bring me the most joy. I want to sip weak tea and watch the world end.

Skit: My Mother Cries No Tears for Baltimore

My Mother cries no tears for Baltimore:
A work in progress.

My Mother cries no tears for Baltimore

She got no sympathy left

My Mother's mean eye's rest behind big thick rims

Her eyes made mean by years of violence

My Mother is nearsighted

She got no vision for the future and would rather forget the past

My Mother's words are metered

Carefully chosen to paint a particular picture like media does

My Mother has a black son and black brothers

but knows not of the struggle of brothers and sons

My Mother has lots of expensive ivy league degrees Phd'ed
She's well learned and heavily indoctrinated in the system of oppression
My Mother does not smile
Her scoul full of malice and self loathing
My mother cries not for Baltimore
She got not tears nor words left to impart on the Black community


This peom is obviously about how my mother feels about baltimore. 

I wanted to write something about what is going on in Baltimore right now. I wanted to talk about the conversations Black Americans have been having since they were actually freed and considered Americans ( meaning not when Lincoln "freed the slaves" because that tis all Bs but another matter entirely) I want to let you in on my dinner conversations with my parents. I want to let you know what my extended family talks about over the grill with beer in hand during thanksgiving. I am going to tell you what all the noise in the barbershop is about. Come on to my stoop and we can shoot the breeze. The title is My Mother Cries no Tears for Baltimore more as a statement of fact then as something that I hope will fit the poem. But I decided to call it that because the majority of people want to focus on the violence as a negative more than a unavoidable endpoint. Its a tool. All our lives we are told violence isn't the answer, don't steal, treat other how you want to be treated. However, we know from history nothing comes to those who take this path. So we must be strategically violent, taking what we want, and using others to advance our own means. So we riot, so we steal, so we abuse the power given to us by the government to advance our own agendas. I call this a work in progress because I am going to add to it as I learn. I will edit it and reword it as I find better ways to express and help you understand the situation facing my community. And I will leave this note down here.

Daily struggles

I get called smart and intelligent all the time and I graciously accept the compliment. But most of the time when that happens I think what do they see in me that I don't and are you sure you meant me? 90% of my academic life feels like a joke that everybody gets but me, I just don't understand.

Skitt: writing

I started writing for theater. I was in About Face Youth Theater, AFYT, which is a queer political activist group that speaks, educates, and explores issues through performance art. Mostly plays and shorts skits. I never acted or preformed. I was lighting, set, sound costumes, stage manager, ect. Anything that didn't require me to actually be on stage. I have a terrible case of stage fright. I was also assistant play write. Our director also wrote the plays. We would brainstorm topics for our next play during the spring. We would go to workshop every Saturday for 5 hours and talk about issues we saw effecting us. We would work on acting techniques, dance, and writing too. One spring our director asked us to keep a journal. That's how I started writing. She said write about everything because as much as our work is about making changes in our queer community it is also therapy to help us work through all the damage injustice has wrought upon us. We would read our journals if we wanted to aloud in workshop and that's where we got the idea to write What's the T. As spring went on she asked us to make videos about what the T means to us. She took everything we said everything we did and put it in to a play. On Sunday's or Friday's after school, if I didn't have sports practice, I would meet with her one on one and read what she had wrote and help edit and write. During the summer we would study our lines and work on scenes, set, costumes, the entire production. I remember because a lot of the time we didn't have air conditioning and it would get so hot we would all walk around topless. During the summer we would meet 4 days a week for 8 hours at a time. We spent a lot of time together and we all were very close. During the fall we would preform our play all across the country at different venues. The first couple off weeks we would stay in the city and do our play all over, even in schools. The rest of fall we would preform on Saturdays only. Each Saturday was a different place. We could only preform on Saturdays when we were on the road because we were all in school, different schools, but we had to be in school Monday through Friday. We were all between the ages of 12 and 18 so you know our parents wouldn't take kindly to us missing school for a play. A lot of our parents didn't know we were in a theater troop that wasn't part of our school. They defiantly didn't know it was an all gay group. We kept writing in our journals all through out what's the T, from beginning to end. At the end we took some of the money we made from the play and made a book, What's the T: The Real T. It was for us and our finical supporters. I think we only made like 50 copies. Any way we auctioned off one copy that was signed by all of us at About Face's annual Gala, Wonka Ball! The person who got it was the chief editor for a queer news paper here in the city. She loved the book so much she came to one of our workshops and offered us jobs as writers for the newspaper. Everyone else was an actor and declined but my director being the person that she is spoke up and said that I helped actually write the play and should write for her. I said I would if she would let me pick four other people. She asked me why four. I said the reason why the play was amazing and why you love the book is because its all these different points of view. It is a well rounded read about people who manage to find common ground despite our differences. I am only one perspective, you need a gay, lesbian, a trans* person, a queer, a white person, a lanti@, a Asian, and different classes. I know four people who can give you these different perspectives.  So me and my 4 friends kept writing for this newspaper. When I went to college I kept writing for the newspaper but not as often. I found that I would write what I saw and what it was like to be at a school that talks about diversity but really doesn't understand what it means. I wrote for my community there to the adminstration to give us a voice. Now that I am back in the city working with the same organization I use to when I was in highschool, and  running 3 of my own organizations I still write. I still write for the newspaper, me and the 4 others still do. I am still involved with About Face Theater, though no longer part of the youth program.  I wonder why I still write because I never did it for the money I get from the Newspaper. I write for you guys. I write so that you guys know there is someone out there who has gone through the same thing you are going through, or something kinda similar. That there is community out there you just have to find it, or create it. And I write for myself, because I started writing for art therapy and never really stopped.

Daily struggles

Switching between 6 households and 3 different economic classes is hard. Different houses mean different things. On some days I worry if there will be food for dinner, on others I worry if I will get home in time to catch up with the maid before she makes dinner. Makes actvism and privilege very complex topics.

Skit: Day of silence

Friday was Day of silence and I completely forgot. I talked all day. Not even sorry. My feelings on day of silence has changed over the years. Before I was all for it, be silent, protest, yea! Now its more before you silences yourself analyze your privilege as it relates to the space your in. On Friday I was in Lakeview/Boys town which is a upper middle class white neighborhood. It was not the place to be quite. I as a person who is normally gendered female, I am queer and poor it is my duty to speak up and talk about the diaspora happening in my community. I want to talk about the police brutality and the misappropriation of resource. On Friday I used my voice to tell my coworkers about the fact that they are building a walk in free clinic in this upper middle class neighborhood where 90% of the people have insurance. Who is using this clinic? Who is this benefitting? But in my neighborhood where only 25% of people have some kind of health insurance we don't even have a hospital. We could use a clinic in my neighborhood to help everyone, not just queers, get better access to health care. I also didn't get to go to Night of Noise because I am lucky enough to have a job, and I need to work for a living. So when thinking about Day of silence think about your privilege and privilege around you. So if you are taking up space and your voice/opinion doesn't really matter, Shut the Fuck Up! So that the people who are at a disadvantage can speak for themselves. They know what they need more than we do. So how do you know if you need to STFU! Are you upper class in a lower class space? Look at your class and how it relates to those around you and the space your in. If you're at an advantage Shut Up. If you're at the disadvantage speak up your important. If you're cis ( identify as the gender your assigned) in a space full of gender non conforming people Shut the Fuck Up! If you're under the gender queer umbrella speak up your story is important. If you're hetero Silence!!!  Queer people speak up and let people know when they do something that hurts you. Day of silence is about is being quite if you're privileged to not only make those around cognisant of those who are being silenced and can't speak but, it allows those who are normally drowned out by privileged a chance to speak, be herd, and talk for themselves about issues that effect them. The big take away Shut the Fuck Up! Haha :)

skittles: Dear readers

I realized I haven't written directly to you all in a while. I have been writing conversations with myself. Things I wish I could say but can't tell anyone else or something I fell like nobody else would get. Then I remembered people do read this. You read this. I wanted to take a second to appreciate you. Thank you for putting up with my crap, rants, and activist angst. I have been writing for three years now and my spelling and grammar have not gotten any better. I got my behind handed to me in 2013 with college and depression, but I came back. Thank you for standing by me. Thank you for allowing me to share my everyday day life/ melodramatic problems with you in my daily struggles. I love writing daily struggles because it can be anything its not limited like Skit, Skitt, or Skittles are. **side note: daily struggles are problems I encounter in my every day life not problems I have every day. Skits are usually informative meant to coney a point of view. Skitts are emotional or personal. Skittles are meant to be rants, word vomit, stream of  consciousness, or of the cuff type stuff. ** For the the new comers, welcome to the teen age dribble that is my love life and the crazy political rantings of a QPOC (queer person of color) separatist. 98% of my life queer. Look at me improving, from 99% queer, I'm diversifying woo hoo. So most things I write about will be about that but I am trying to write about my race and gender more. So thanks for being awesome. As always you guys can leave me comment about anything I always respond.

Stay fierce yo,

Dailly struggles

I recently permed my hair. I keep getting compliments and everyone telling my how beautiful I look. How nice my hair looks. How I look so much better this way. Nobody ask me how it feels to be "pretty" how it feels to look this way. I feel like I willingly stood aside and watched my hair get raped, then appropriated and white washed. Anything that was left was erased. I am too much of an activist to be okay with how my hair is now. But I am too indoctrinated to love my hair the way it is naturally.  

Daily struggles

I fall in love with smart people. The kind that change the world and win awards. Next to them I feel like my roommates very stupid dog that spent 3 months unable to figure out how our spiral stair case worked (she kept falling off). But alone, when no one is there to witness it, my mind does amazing things. If left alone on an island with unlimited resources I might accidentally cure cancer, or get gorgeously tan (I am very lazy).

Skit: Back in your childhood room

I went back to UIUC this weekend to watch the Game of Thrones with Fo' Grad student and A fox named Owl. I always watch GOT with them on Sunday and we eat pizza. I showed out and was a bit of a bitch, not the good kind that you own. But my friends love me and tolerate me being an ass hole. I have finally been able to reconnect with what it mans to be Qpoc out side of the academic since of the word sense I've been living in the city. I went to UIUC and I learned a lot about the white queer movement and I got a lot of words and definitions. But unlike my QUIUC, people I actually get to go home and live what they have created words for. I live what they have defined and, more often than not, their definitions are less than perfect or fall short. But I now haves words for things. Side note the only reason I think people who live it don't come up with the words for thing is because we don't have the academic language, or the time. When your busy self caring and fighting the operative systems you don't have the luxury of an external analyst.  But while I was back I felt like I was living in my childhood bed room again. Trying to wear a space that just didn't fit any more. Everything is too small.  There were white people jamming out to "their" culturally appropriated capitalistic white filtered hip hop.  It felt like oppression.  I began to wonder was I really depressed or do psychiatric journals not understand what oppression feels like. It is strange to me that pain and emotional discomfort are not everyone's normal. That it means something is wrong. That they can point to a spot and say it hurts but all I have is abstract language. I can unpack and analyze our way off life and say this is what's hurting me, buy that's it. Being back, being a bitch, I can do it. But little Qpoc me is alive in my head and won't shut up. Qpoc me feels choked, feels used. They hate everything that UIUC represents, for it is a place other cultures come to die, be culturally appropriated, told they are backwards and erased. Privilege runs rampant all through out the campus with people making decisions with out fully understanding the ramifications. But it was nice to see my friends to be able to talk about slut shaming and owning words and the cultural significance. Also check in on them. I miss them and worry about their well being.  Also watching Game of Thrones. Was I the only one really confused 85% of the time?  Like what was going on??????

Skit: my favorites

Here are some of my favorite poems by Janani Balasubramanian 

You can read more of their work on this website: Queer Dark Energy
You can listen/watch some of their performances within their artist dou, Dark Matter, here: Dark Matter YouTube channel 
I encourage all of the "stalking" of their work.

gravity, the haiku

the atoms
in the universe
get lonely

rumpelstilskin

certain lies keep the world oiled
handfuls at a time:
babies come from the sky.
abraham lincoln abolished slavery.
nuclear disarmament.
cage-free eggs.
i will certainly give you my first-born child.

at the end of the world we’ll all sip weak tea
and play truth or truth
and laugh to stitches about the time
you ripped yourself in half
and we called it a day
and a happy ending.

Mary had a little lamb

Mary had a neoliberal lamb
whose fleece was white as Edward Snowden
and everywhere that Mary went
the lamb was sure to institute NSA surveillance.

He followed her to school one day.
That was against the rule.
They charged Mary with treason.

jack and jill

jack and jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
jack fell down and broke his crown
and jill said fuck this
and became a lesbian separatist

i come with all of that

i come like this
wounded tired wound tight
i’ve been a tired woman
and a tired boy
i’ve eaten myself alive
i come with my own blood
other people’s salt
and two old and mean eyes
fuck me like
i come with all of that

my problem with the grilled cheese sandwich

This post is going to be very politically incorrect, triggering and offensive. but this post isn't about the systems of oppression this is just word vomit we can analyze it later.

On days that food is like sex the idea of eating sounds good, but is difficult to put into practice. I'm just not hungry, or nothing sounds appetizing. But unlike sex, food is necessary. This is how to eating disorders start. But at least I'll be skinny enough to fit the Western standards of beauty right? I'm in one of my moods where have a lot of thoughts and ideas I can't put into words. It's cloudy and fuzzy, all I get are shapes and sounds but not articulate thought out complete sentences. My ADHD brain sends a thousand synapses a minute and electrons flint in and out of time but can't seem to find the word for oppression/privilege/ violence/eraser/ whiteness/blackness other than my name. My stomach warbles but it seems unimportant right now. My friend threatens me that if I become an anorexic he'll kill me. I think it would be more satisfying for him to watch me die slowly from not eating, not even chocolate. I love chocolate and grilled chesse. I'm in one of my moods where I don't even want chocolate. My stomach want something very specific, but my mind can't find words for whatever it is thinking about, so my stomach seems unimportant. My mind has feelings about things like race, class, and economic disparities. It wants this post to be about the systems of oppression. But it's really about why I don't want a grilled chesse. GrubHub and Seamless can't help me and during this anti-capitalist phase I am going through I don't think I would want them to.  My brain wants to call this an anti opression hunger strike, but my stomach knows that I'm depressed and really just want a grilled cheese sandwich. Blankets and covers engulfe and lull me into a comfort. I don't want grilled cheese and I don't want to move. It's a power struggle between a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum and a responsible adult.  I'm sorry? to say it responsible adult is losing. But I just really don't wanna. Inconsolably my stomach just wines the food my mouth is too lazy to chew, that my taste buds don't want to taste. I've been like this for a few days now. Don't tell my friend he actually might kill me. Tomorrow I'm going out drinking so I'm going to force myself to eat something to keep myself from puking. I have to keep the alcohol down so I'll get drunk enough to stop feeling, to stop thinking, to be able to live in the ignorance that everything isn't affected by the systems of oppression, to escape the depression it's caused me.  Today I begin to think that I can't even have an interracial relationship anymore, at least not with a white person, because I know too much and I have too many thoughts and opinions about things. Which is keeping me from deciding if I want shrimp, fish, or chicken. I should eat something. But the word consume triggers so many things in me, that my brain can't quite find the words to describe.  I have never been one to think I'm ugly. And on most days I love my body but my feelings are choking me. My thoughts take up so much space there's no room for food. Eating disorders are not only for white girls with body image issues. They are for QPOC  with ADHD whose brain goes too fast and fixates on one thing. Fixated on that one thing they forget to eat, are too busy to eat, not in the mood for eating. But because I'm black I don't have an eating disorder I have a stressed based diet that comes with it a workout plan based on unhealthy coping methods. 

Skit: so I went to see Dark Matter

"The burden of progress is assigned to the individual to find a way out of the violence, not to the system to stop being violent." Dark matter  This speaks to so much in our society. It is the victim of rape's fault for getting raped, not the rapist how raped said individual. The cop had to shoot the person of color, it was his fault for looking suspicious, his fault for running away, his fault pulling a weapon. Not the racist system of profiling that makes every person of color look suspicious. Not the history that this country has of killing people of color by the millions just because they can. It not like communities of color have seen their family members get longer prisons sentences, less likely to get parole, or more likely to be heavily scrutinized by the police/justice/prison system. All these trans* people brought violence upon themselves by not conforming to societies gender norms out in public. Its not this fear or threat or christian/religious warfare in the in name of something bigger than one's self, something bigger to stop making them feel so small, feel in control. It is not the murders fault for killing another human being for being their self. Please let that skink in. We are killing people for putting on dress; because we have gendered dress female, because we have have decide the person who is in the dress is not female, because once you break gender roles you are no longer worthy of life, because we decided that you are no longer a person, because now you represent an idea a scary idea, because that scary idea is wrong, because it is scary, because it scares us we killed them, because they were in a dress. Every time there is bombing every brown person, Muslim or not, or not becomes an enemy of the state. White people keep talking about how they have bled for this country, in wars and in tragedy. White america wake up we are bleeding for this country. You could paint every road in america twice with blood of people of color. We'll start wit the blood of the Native Americans, the genocide that had to happen for this country to even be founded. Next we'll move on to the blood Africans forced over here against their will to come here. The ones that died on the journey. The ones that died at port. The millions that died here. Their children's children's children all of them died here. Let's continue on to Asian Americans that were killed after pearl harbor. The blood of or Latin@s because of a drug war or a war on illegal immigrants. To the deaths of our brown people because america isn't for terrorist. Even though Americans are the biggest threat to the rest of the world. Americans are terrorist.  We are bleeding, we are dying trying to archive a lie painted with our blood to look like a dream, dream that is for white Americans only. You have to be this white, this christian, and this rich to ride this ride for everyone else this country really isn't for you. If you make it I would salute you but, I know you have made some comprises that your not too proud of to get there. Whether you believe in their propaganda bullshit or not you have had to stand up and pledge allegiance to the system that would rape, kill, commit acts of violence and terrorism against you because its your duty to change everything you are and not the America's to be better.  I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of capitalism, and to the system of violence for which it stands, one Nation under Christianity's God, heteronormativly comforming , with liberty and justice for all male white supremacist .

#DarkMatter #itgetsbitter