This post is going to be very politically incorrect, triggering and offensive. but this post isn't about the systems of oppression this is just word vomit we can analyze it later.
On days that food is like sex the idea of eating sounds good, but is difficult to put into practice. I'm just not hungry, or nothing sounds appetizing. But unlike sex, food is necessary. This is how to eating disorders start. But at least I'll be skinny enough to fit the Western standards of beauty right? I'm in one of my moods where have a lot of thoughts and ideas I can't put into words. It's cloudy and fuzzy, all I get are shapes and sounds but not articulate thought out complete sentences. My ADHD brain sends a thousand synapses a minute and electrons flint in and out of time but can't seem to find the word for oppression/privilege/ violence/eraser/ whiteness/blackness other than my name. My stomach warbles but it seems unimportant right now. My friend threatens me that if I become an anorexic he'll kill me. I think it would be more satisfying for him to watch me die slowly from not eating, not even chocolate. I love chocolate and grilled chesse. I'm in one of my moods where I don't even want chocolate. My stomach want something very specific, but my mind can't find words for whatever it is thinking about, so my stomach seems unimportant. My mind has feelings about things like race, class, and economic disparities. It wants this post to be about the systems of oppression. But it's really about why I don't want a grilled chesse. GrubHub and Seamless can't help me and during this anti-capitalist phase I am going through I don't think I would want them to. My brain wants to call this an anti opression hunger strike, but my stomach knows that I'm depressed and really just want a grilled cheese sandwich. Blankets and covers engulfe and lull me into a comfort. I don't want grilled cheese and I don't want to move. It's a power struggle between a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum and a responsible adult. I'm sorry? to say it responsible adult is losing. But I just really don't wanna. Inconsolably my stomach just wines the food my mouth is too lazy to chew, that my taste buds don't want to taste. I've been like this for a few days now. Don't tell my friend he actually might kill me. Tomorrow I'm going out drinking so I'm going to force myself to eat something to keep myself from puking. I have to keep the alcohol down so I'll get drunk enough to stop feeling, to stop thinking, to be able to live in the ignorance that everything isn't affected by the systems of oppression, to escape the depression it's caused me. Today I begin to think that I can't even have an interracial relationship anymore, at least not with a white person, because I know too much and I have too many thoughts and opinions about things. Which is keeping me from deciding if I want shrimp, fish, or chicken. I should eat something. But the word consume triggers so many things in me, that my brain can't quite find the words to describe. I have never been one to think I'm ugly. And on most days I love my body but my feelings are choking me. My thoughts take up so much space there's no room for food. Eating disorders are not only for white girls with body image issues. They are for QPOC with ADHD whose brain goes too fast and fixates on one thing. Fixated on that one thing they forget to eat, are too busy to eat, not in the mood for eating. But because I'm black I don't have an eating disorder I have a stressed based diet that comes with it a workout plan based on unhealthy coping methods.
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