skittles: how far you'll go going nowhere

I'm a control freak. I don't know if that comes through much. But I make extensive detailed life plans for myself. Despite never being unsettled when things do not go according to plan, I still feel a need to make them. I make plans out of compulsion to maintain control over the often uncontrollable. I continue to make them about the far future contrary to all of my experience which should have made me give this habit of futility up. And yet here we are. 

I am disconcerted with my relationship with Bockor. It's such a low maintenance relationship. We live in different cities and see each other maybe four times a year. We talk at most everyday, at least once a month. We don't need to see each other or talk all the time to be happy. We actually like our space from each other. Bockor likes their space from everyone. I can count on one hand the number of people they have a positive affinity for and still have fingers left. Yes including myself. Our relationship doesn't need much. I think that's because it can't produce much potential. It's not going anywhere. We're never going to get married, move in together, or raise kids. We're not trying to accomplish anything together. We're don't have plans to do anything together in future. We are completely satisfied to keep "dating" forever. We both have plans for our own lives which we share with the other. Not asking for support but just so the other knows.The foreseeable plan for the relationship is being happy casually together.

That just doesn't sit well with me. It feels disconcerting. I don't know how to proceed without goals. I don't know how to not be constantly progressing. I achieve, grow, and move forward. I can sit still but only for so long. This is neither of those situations. It's a type of perpetual motion but you don't go anywhere. Its perplexing to think about moving but staying in place. I understand it of course. I've seen stationary bikes and treadmills. I am also a lap swimmer so the practice is not completely foreign to me. But as life plan, it is very confusing. Because it's not the absence of a plan. There is a plan. The plan is to maintain current conditions. Which has a goal but, the goal is the same as the last one. There's no change. It's relationship stasis. 

Which might be fine if we've achieved everything we've wanted together.  If we had done it all. But we've done nothing. There's nothing at all for us to do. Actually there's nothing we want to do. I feel like relationships build, grow, and progress. This one isn't doing that. For me that's a two part problem. Part one is you set goals because you want something. I don't want anything more from this relationship. It's giving me everything I want. I am all but fulfilled. Which leads to part two. Part two I feel like my relationship needs to be going somewhere. 

I know some of you are going to read this and think this is like marriage. But it's not. It's two people who have agreed to build a life together. Each person as they live continues to set goals for their own life only to have to make that work with a joint life plan. Bockor and I don't have that problem. We can change careers, move, and have other life events happen with no effect on the other person. We are both completely independent of the other. We can live our lives with no effect on our relationship. We have to maintain a status quo but there is no threat to that status quo. There's no challenge in doing so.

So why am I so upset by my cake walk of a relationship.

1. Why do I need a challenge?

2. Why do I need to "do" something? 

3. Why do I need some type of change? 1. I don't know. I like things to be easy and yet. 

2. I can't sit still. I lied earlier. I constantly fidget. I'm very anxious and I have a lot of energy that I need use. Or I can't sleep at night and write blog post at three in the morning only to wake up at seven am feeling fully rested.

3. I hate change. I deal with change... What's worse than poorly? Whatever it is that's how I deal with change. That's why I've only live in 2 place in my adult life. So I really don't know what the last bits about either. 

I can set a goal but then that's changing everything about the relationship. If I set a goal that's not already effortlessly fulfilled then that changes the fundamental core of the relationship. The relationship is so inertial and effortless. The perpetual motion the relationship is in meets all of our wants and needs except this one thing of mine. That's why we both like it so much. Nothing has ever been so easy. I ask Bockor all time if there needs have changed. There answer is always when there needs change I meet them with out even having to be asked. This is not something I'm actively trying to do. It just happens. They ask me if I need anything more from the relationship and I'm always getting exactly what I want and need as well. Bockor and I both are here because we adjust seemlessly to the other without even trying. That and we care about each other obviously. 

Other than talk to Bockor about my illogical feelings I don't think there's anything that can be done to fix my feelings. I think that the feeling will either subside as a growing pain of something new, I'll figure out what's actually bothering about this relationship, or the feeling will stay and won't bring any clarity and I'll break up with Bockor because of it. This has been on my mind for a bit but I haven't given it any real thought until now. Not that I'm any closer to an answer after three hours of writing down my thoughts. Like my relationship I live and let live unchanged. Which is equally frustrating. 

Ps 

This was partly brought on by all the plans I'm making with my girlfriend. I Don't like the name I gave her so I'll probably change that. And when I say partly I mean completely. Because we ( she) keep going back and forth on whether we want kids or not. Kids means I probably break up with Bockor. Not because it would effect them but because I can only be in a romantic relationship with so many people and I would obviously choose the three other parents my children. But if my girlfriend and I didn't have kids then we'll just be happily openly married. Which means a future for Bockor and I. And I just want definitive plan on kids. After that I'll probably feel better. Ideally. Hopefully.

Skittles: partners

I had 3 partners 

1. LL's for lex Luthor. for like 2 years

2. Eta Carinae. for a month

3. Bockor. a year

But LL's and I broke up

skit: covid-19 and math

So Chicago is part of this county called Cook county. As of today Cook county has 368759 reported reported covid cases. Cook county has a population of approximately 5.5 million people. I did some math and a few things happened. 

One I found out about 1 and 13 people have covid19. My immediate thoughts were I really need these numbers to be more divisible. Like one in 10, a fifth, an eighth, or half. The part of my brain that likes pretty math is very strong. For a whole 5 minutes I forgot that this was not a second grade in a vacuum math problem that is never going to happen in real life. This is real life. Then I thought to myself one in 20, 1 and 50, 0 out of a 100. Like I said the part of my brain that likes pretty math is very strong. 

Second thing I thought was 1 and 13 is not too bad. 13 is a Baker's dozen. If one donut out of the 13 were poisonous and would kill me I'd still risk it. Especially the rest of the donuts are delicious. But then I thought if one and 13 people were murderers I probably stay in the house. Like if the New York times reported one in 13 people in Cook county are committing bioterrorism I'd never leave the house. I'd be terrified That's a lot of people. But if I was bit by one out of every 13 dogs I petted I'd still pet dogs. actually that probably depends on how bad I was bitten each time. If it's like a scratch then yeah no I'm still petting the dogs. If I'm losing a finger I might reconsider. 

My third and final thought was we really do need to frame it like we're losing fingers and people are committing bioterrorism. Because when I thought about it like donuts or chocolates it didn't seem so bad. But when I thought of it like serial killers quarantining got a lot easier. Thinking about it like everyone's out to get you much like Amoung Us really makes me much less likely to go outside. It kind of makes me feel like I'm trying to survive the purge. So think of it less like a inconvenient pandemic that we're all sick of and more like a really long purge that we're all trying to live through. Zoom meetings become way more tolerable when you're trying to avoid being murdered. 

Re:Skittles: thinking about loneliness as a hunger

I once wrote a post called thinking about loneliness as a hunger. And I was very upset about it because of the way people talk about being in relationships and how you have to sit with your loneliness. But now I have a better understanding of what what people meant when they say sit in your loneliness. LL's is currently struggling with a decision. It's mostly because he doesn't know what he wants. And now I understand why people say sit in your loneliness. And it is very much similar to being hungry the analogy that I made in the first post. Nobody tells you just sit and starve yourself. Which is how I thought about. When people say maybe you should just be by yourself a while and sit in your loneliness in my head that was saying go without food. However, sitting in ones loneliness is less starve yourself and more figure out what you want to eat. Sitting in your loneliness is just about figuring out what you want. just like sitting with your hunger is figuring out what you want to eat. And so I was right where loneliness is a type of hunger but it is not one that always needs to be immediately substantiated. Much like actual hunger. Sometimes it's best to ponder what you really want. So I find myself telling LL's to sit in their loneliness to figure out what he wants. when you're hungry it's not about what other people want to eat It's about what you want to eat and when you're lonely I think that we often don't put ourselves first. We don't think about what we want. We think about what others want. We should treat loneliness the same way we treat hunger. It's about what you want to eat , its about what you want. Because I do think you do yourself a disservice when you're hungry and you just eat whatever's there, available, or the first option you come across. Because the feeding your hunger does not give you any gratification. You've eaten and your full but you're unfulfilled. So when you're hungry you need to take the time to figure out what you actually want to eat so that you feel satisfied. Similarly in loneliness I think people say sit in your loneliness so that you can figure out what you really want. Once you know what you really want then you make that decision. A decision that is truly satisfying. 

skittles: everything is a moment

This post is about a conversation, well  more of an argument I had with one of my partners. I currently have three. I'll do an update on that later. This post is not about that. I'll also give them all names later. This post is not about that either.

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, depression

My boyfriendv said to me I need you to love yourself. I need you to want to live. I need you to like things just for you. 

My boyfriend clearly has never been depressed. Or maybe this is just a function of being depressed for so long. It feels like I've been depressed forever. But my earliest memories of being depressed start around the age of seven. That's almost 20 years. It's hasn't always been this bad but I've always had it. I knew it was wrong to die at 20. It took me into the age of 23 to not want to die. I still don't actively want to live. But I'm working towards really really not wanting to die.

He wants me to really like things and I do for a moment. But then I move on. I liked horses, sailing, and pokemon for a moment. Now I don't. Everything for me seems to be of passing phase. Because when a wave of depression hits I don't like anything. I don't want to do anything. I don't even like my bed I just spend all day there. When my depression lets up a bit, the things I used to like don't feel the same. I've been neglecting them and I feel guilty about it. Now there is bad feelings associated with them. So I move on to something else. It's hard to maintain a passion for me when I know I will eventually let it down. 

How do you tell someone you live for the moment and not for next week, not for the year. You can't have passions if you're just living in the moment. You can be really passionate about the thing for a second but it's not going to be a lifelong commitment. I already have a lifelong commitment. It's my fight with depression, and it's not something that I can share. He wants me to have hobbies and interests that I can share with him. Things that I love that we can do together. But everything I love everything that doesn't feel guilty return to after a moment of depression is because it doesn't have other people associated with it. It's because I'm not letting anyone down. It's because it's impossible to let myself down with the hobbies and interests that I do have. I like traveling to travel takes time. If I go through a fit of depression and don't go anywhere, that's completely acceptable. I like trying new foods. If I don't try anything new for a year or for three that's also fine. I like spending time with friends. I know that my friends will always be there when I get better. 

Also these specific hobbies are things that help me in my lifelong commitment. In my lifelong fight against depression I have to take care of myself. A good allotment of that means personal hygiene. When I travel I have to wash clothes, I have to wash myself. I have to go to the doctor to get a checkup especially if I'm traveling internationally. Traveling makes me be better and fight my depression. Trying new foods forces me to eat. I cannot tell you how many times when I'm in a fit that I just don't eat.I don't have a tasting for anything. I don't want anything. I don't desire anything I hate everything. But you can't hate something you've never had before and you can't desire something you've never had before. To try new foods is a way for me to eat especially when I'm in a fit. I also don't want to answer phone when I am really depressed. I don't want to see people. I don't want people to see me. But if I have commitments to hang out with my friends I will honor them even if I don't feel like it. I do try to wiggle out of them but it usually doesn't work because they know better. 

Everything I like is centered around keeping me healthy. Everything I like is centered on making me better. Everything I like is centered around me. I don't know how to bring another person into that. Yes you can travel with people but that's really hard to do and it's not something we can just do casually. Yes we can eat out and eat a different places but he's picky. Yes I can introduce him to my friends but I only introduce my serious relationships. 

I don't think he understands that I do have interests similar to how he's interested in comics and card games but they're different. His are social hobbies. Mine aren't hobbies that require you to learn necessarily or think strategically or have a lot of history in the very same ways. Mine also not things I need to do with other people. I can do every single one of the things I like to do by myself. Except for hang out with friends that requires other people. 

I don't know how to explain to him that depression shapes my life in more ways than just affecting my mental health. It affects how I emote. It affects my ability to care. It affects my interest levels. It affects my interests. Living with depression and having lived with it for more than 20 years has shaped who I am. It's become part of me. He's always saying he's afraid I don't want to live. He should be. Because in the fit of depression I won't want to live. But if I can make it through it I can get to a place where I don't want to die. I know it's not much but it's all I have to offer. And I really want him to accept that as enough. 

skit: The Trump lie

I am tired of people pretending and lying about the reasons that they support Trump. Trump is winning because of fear and because of hate. It is that simple.  The only way to sway the people backing him because of fear and hate is to disseminate their fear and hate. They know he's wrong they know he's a liar they know all of the things that Trump is doing to hurt them. But Trump's base does not care about their own well-being because they're so afraid and they're so hateful. White people in this country who are voting for Trump are voting for Trump because they are afraid of losing the power and they are afraid of the system that keeps white people in power from being dismantled. Moreover they are afraid that non-white people today will do to them what white people in the past have done to people of color.  

In a way that makes sense. When you know you are wrong and when you know you are guilty of a crime you fear the consequences and you for your revenge. Even if you personally did not commit the crime you know the people the crime was committed against deserve justice. In their mind revenge is a form of justice and in their mind revenge is not unreasonable to ask for. White people can imagine if aliens came and took over America and ruled America for years that the humans of the earth would want to reclaim America and drive them out. Killing all the aliens to reclaim the country would not only be revenge it would be justice. To them non-white people are owed this. They know it but they also don't want to give it to us. Even if there are systems in place that work against them they fear that if they abolish those systems that keep white people in power that somehow that will have negative effects on them and those they care about. They fear without the current system in place non-white people will come for white blood and everything that white people have. White people don't want me to have their home because they feel like they've worked for it they don't want me to have their money because they feel like they've earned it. In their mind there is no way for non-white people to have justice and them to keep everything that they've worked so hard for. 

 Justice is a two-way street. If someone comes into my home and murders my brother and then they're caught and tried and convicted guilty they can be sentenced to death. That person could also be sentenced to life in prison. That person could be sentenced to 15 years in prison. Or that person could be sentenced to no time at all. As a victim of the perpetrators crime I get to be heard. It is part of the process. Justice's  only a function is not one of punishment but it is supposed to rehabilitate and further society. In my opinion the only punishment of justice should be forced rehabilitation. Justice takes away a person's ability to choose not to improve oneself and grow as a person. Justice should take away a person's ability to choose not to heal from trauma. If we were to take that approach to healing the nation from its years of racism then white people wouldn't have anything to fear. I don't want to live in a place where I can't get along with other races. I don't want to live in a place where my race is considered superior to everyone else. I think that for the most part non-white people just want to live in a society where the color of their skin isn't a hindrance to their pursuit of happiness. I don't want my white neighbors to lose their homes or their jobs. I don't want my white neighbors to be disenfranchised or lose the ability to be able to provide for themselves. I just want the same opportunity to do what they're doing even though I'm black. I want them to look at me and not think of me as a threat just because of the color of my skin. 

It is confusing to me for everyone to believe that people come here to take what little the people who already live here have. They see the country as a pie where there's only so many slices. In some ways that is true. However, the average American does not have enough of a slice of pie to share or to even take from. I want some of Jeff Bezos's slice. There are those in this country who have way more than they ever should and they've gotten them through ill-gotten means. Through this system that intentionally hurts non-whites and then ends up actually hurting not just some white people but most white people. Then those who have everything blame non-white people for the reason why other white people can't have as much as they do. Those who have everything know that the former is a lie. White people we're also struggling then hate non-white people because they've been told by other white people that they reason they're struggling. The white people don't understand why non white people need a certain quota to be allowed into schools. White people only see that the school allows 500 people in and 100 of those are being saved for non-white people. That means that there are a hundred spots that they do not qualify for.  To a white person that must seem like favoritism. To a white person who is struggling and does not see the suffering of non-white people, that perceived favoritism quickly breeds hate. In all honesty I would be mad as well. When it seemed like Asian students had an advantage over all the other students in the college of engineering that quickly bred an environment of hate. Inequality breeds hate. However, they do not see the reason why so late in the game these spots have to be reserved. Non-white people do not know the inherent struggle of people who are not white. They only see the small measures that are taken to try to even the playing field and it feels unfair. What's unfair is 400 families have  almost half of this country's resources. There are more than 328.2 million people in America. If America's wealth is 131 trillion dollars, after taxes, each individual American should have a little more than 390 thousand dollars in money and assets (property, car, stock, material objects). I for one feel jipped. 

So start by telling trump supporters we aren't going to hurt you. We aren't going to take things from you. I just want to be a person. Non-white people don't want to be a terrorist, thug, gangster, criminal, sex worker, degenerate, or a drug addict. We want to be seen as teachers, doctors, lawyers, firefighters, factory workers, and other hard-working Americans who you respect. We all should have 390 thousand dollars in money and assets. Every man woman and child. If you personally do not have that for yourself and every member of you're family then there is nothing we can take from you. You do not have enough to give. If You personally do not have 390 thousand dollars in money and assets you should. You are owed too. We should ban together and take back what is ours from those 400 families with you and not part of. An intaking back those resources we should also work on truly making a country equal for everyone. A white person may only want the 390 thousand dollars for themselves and every member of their family. A non-white person probably wants better schools, arts programs, updated computers, better internet access in their community, healthier grocery stores, access to doctors, clean parks, and roads without potholes along with the money. That is what is at the heart of the inequality. At the end of the day if we all had the same amount of money and assets non-white people and their communities would still need more things. Just like non-white people did not have to take any of your personal money poor trump supporter to get us all to the same level. Non-white communities don't have to take anything from your community (poor trump supporter) to make their community better. We can train more doctors. We can train non-white people to be doctors and non-white communities. We can build more stores. Helping non-white communities generally end up helping white communities as well. We'll all improve. Except for the 400 families and their specific communities they'll get a little worse. But you're not them. How do I know you're not one of the 400 families we the people are coming for. If your total household income is not half a million times every person who lives in the house then you are not them. 1=1/2mil 2=1mil 3=1.5mil 4=2mil 

Why should we fight each other when we have nothing. So join non-white people, white Trump supporters,  and our fight against the 400 families with all the money and resources. 

If that doesn't work and they still support Trump they're either: 

1. rich and trying to keep their money and power which I understand.

2. Don't understand, did not try to understand, or do not believe they are true, the points made. Which I can empathize.

3. Are truly just racist and wholeheartedly believe in white supremacy. In which case I pity them. 

skittles: the dragon and the lamb

I want to write about Hannibal (2013). And I want to write it like an academic paper. I don't know what type of academic paper yet. but I'm sure that I'll come to me through this stream of consciousness pre-paper post that I'm writing now. Hannibal has always been one of my favorite thriller storybook characters. I reference Hannibal a lot in relation to how lovely things as opposed to how I think. I have a weird appreciation of the sadistic and unhealthy. Not one that tortures out of malice because I think I find that quite boring. To be mean and flick pain just for the sake of being mean and to inflict pain is so common in humanity. However to have a unique mind like the character of Hannibal where not only are they always playing a game and the game always goes according to plan they are also very interested in the arts of the whole thing all while keeping the cover and staying steps ahead of everyone else. I'm impressed and intrigued by the ingenuity of it all. Moreover I'm drawn to the many idiosyncrasies that make his character stand out. Given how long humans have been around it would take so much to be an individual. In this day and age when there is more than 7 billion people to think of yourself as unique in any sense It's probably foolish. Maybe no one else is exactly like you and that in itself makes you unique but in the most blandest sense of the word. They might not be two first chair bassoon players who with a talent in geometry who how to raise pigs. But to be unique only because of the specific amalgamation of traits and not the trait it'self leaves little if any to be desired. And this is where and why my propensity for individualism tends to drive me towards the dark and perverse. How nice it must be, to be satisfied by the boring and mundane. And I'm not calling the show Hannibal interesting. I'm thinking of the grotesque allegories within the show. Part of me wants to write about all symbolism that there must be in it. For another part of me wants to write about the unhealthy love that Hannibal has for Will. I really want to dissect the relationship in this paper. If I do that I would be interpreting the entire show differently. Symbolism draws itself to a more individual perspective and says more about me than it does about the show cuz it's just how I interpret it. Whereas if I ground myself in the love story then it's a little bit of psychology while interpreting the show around a common motif. Neither are particularly special but it is where my mind goes. I think I would probably end up choosing a love story just because it aligns with my personal biases more. So keep an eye out for that in the next two weeks. 

skittles: 3 months to go

Trying to be a better person for me has taken the form of improving my interpersonal relationships. I'm currently stuck on being better at boundaries, honesty, and confronting the issues. Currently the vibe is still weird with Lovely. I'm probably not going to fix that friendship and just have to let her know. It's not an issues I'm having with her. It is just me being dramatic. I don't know how to fix it either. I'm just going to get her the jacket and be done with it. But I have to tell her. I still haven't worked out what to say. Just the vibe is wierd and I can't handle it. Which sucks to say. The thought that you could wake up one day and just be done with a friend is the worst feeling. It's nothing they did either. I woke up different than when I went to sleep. That's all. I think at this point I'm trying to convince myself that's the answer. But even though that's how I feel I don't believe it. My logical way of thinking is having a hard time accepting my own feelings. I know feelings don't have to make sense but they feel right. I can't make this feel right because of the overwhelming initial feeling that is just so uncomfortable. I keep wanting to wait to tell her. I keep waiting for it to make sense or for my feelings to change but they haven't and it still doesn't make sense. I want to just mail her a letter cuz that's how I do everything but I'm suppose to be working on confronting things. So I'll just tell her. By the end of the year. 

skit: lessons in love

Never question my love for you for it it's the only thing that I am certain of in this world. More than the air I breath and water I drink. I do not know if the sun will set or if the moon will rise again. but I know I love you. Question not my love for you but my ability to show it. 

I think about this and I realize I don't know how to love those in my life. Not even my best friend. I know how I want to be loved. Tell me, over and over and over again I will never get sick of hearing it. Prioritize me in your life. Give me the first chance to make plans with you. Spend time with me and in gifts for me. I love thoughtful gifts and grand gestures. Be there when I need you. Trust me enough to let me in. I know if anybody did those things for me I would feel loved. But I don't know about others. I a good amount of time in my head thinking about what I did wrong in relationships and I think that's really important. That I didn't know how to love the people I loved. I want to love them how they want to be loved but I need to learn what that is and how to do it.

Skittles: written while listing to "One day"

I wonder all the time if it's going to hurt forever to love them. I wonder if I'm going to love them like this forever. I want to love them but in a way that's healthy. I wonder if I'm going to love them forever. I wonder if every love song is going to remind me of them. I wonder if ever song about heartbreak is going to remind me of them. I wonder if I was terribly physically hurt which would hurt more. I wonder why giving them up never sticks. 

I wonder if we switched bodies would I be the villian and them the victorious. I wonder what that says about us. I wonder what that says about the community. I'm wondering if I'm gaslighting myself or if everyone around me is the product of the version of story I told them. I wonder if I'm crazy, because I swear I am. I wonder if I could go back to the beginning and never met would I stay away or do it all over again. I wonder why I asked myself questions I already know the answer to. 

I wonder if I'll ever change and be better. I wonder if I'm ever going to tell them how sorry I am.  I wonder if it's too presumptuous to try to apologize. I wonder if it even matters to them at this point. I wonder if they would forgive me. I wonder if I apologize would it be for me or them? I wonder if trying to be better is selfish. I wonder if I'm going to be apologizing to them for the rest of my life. I wonder I ever if I'll ever get a chance to make it up to them. I wonder if it's possible to undo all the damage I did. I wonder how much therapy it will take for me to be in a good place so that I'd even have the option of having you in my life again. I wonder if I'll ever feel okay enough to try to find out? I wonder if I'll ever trust myself to let you in again. 

I wonder if they would ever trust me again. I wonder if I'm worthy of it. I wonder if they miss me. I wonder if I cross their mind.I wonder if they care.  I wonder how they are. I wonder if they are happy and I hope they are.  I wonder what their version of the story is. I wonder if they still love me. I wonder if they want to be friends. I wonder if they still have my clothes (I still have there's).

I wonder if this will be my biggest regret of my life. I wonder if we got back together if I would keep hurting them. I wonder if we'll ever be friends again.  I wonder what's stopping me from answer most of these questions. I wonder why after all this time I'm still wondering all these things.  I wonder if this is a sickness or fate. In the world there's a prerfect balance of fission and fusion I wonder what a love of equilibrium is like. 

daily struggles

Doing a post about covid-19, 2020, and the protest but having extreme FOMO (fear of missing out). Like what if I write it and there is a really cool plot twist or update. What if I write it too late and it's not relevant anymore. 

Skittles: day 99

Being quarantined, even though I have a job, has eliminated all of my distractions. I now spend a good amount of my time fighting the urge to check on Amoriartii. It really is starting to feel like fighting a addiction at this point. The little voice in my head just lies to me; trying to justify a reason to, persuade, convince, bargain with, or beg me to check on Amoriartii. It's a fight with reasons and better judgement on one side and my physical desire to have dopamine and feelings on the other team. My desire to have dopamine is a tricky, cheating bastard who I wouldn't even trust playing hopscotch. The emotional side of my brain is down right bonkers. Emotions are psychological warefare tactics experts. You will feel like we've eaten and will hate the thought of eating anything even though we haven't eaten in 4 days and are physically approaching losing consciousness. Can't trust any of your sense cuz your emotions have you strung out on drugs and have indoctrinated you into a cult, even through you swear it's not a cult. 

It's June and I have not check their Facebook. Though I was looking for a comment I made on a friend page and a post Amoriartii made there years ago came up in the search. I got to see their most recent profile picture. They look happy. I think today's battle was won by  reasons and better judgement. I can see that they are still alive and not miserable. What more could I possibly need to know? All of this has made me realize if the world was ending or if I was doing dying I would try to see Amoriartii one last time. 

Daily struggles

Being overthinking melodramatic means feeling like you ruined a relationship before it started. But you haven't ruined anything because said precursor the relationship doesn't exist. The person who broke your heart doesn't even really know you exist much less your extensive feelings for them. Hell, the person might not even exist. 

Skittles: two sides of the same coin

I started a new queer job last year that I will eventually get around to telling you all about. However that's not the topic of this post. I work as a professional queer now which means I come across a lot of other professionals queers that I've never met but know of through Amoriartii or they will ask about a certain experience I had with Amoriartii ( pride parade, Google New York, ect).  Many queers of color don't like Amoriartii, many far left queers don't like Amoriartii, and many queers doing work with young queers don't like Amoriartii. However all these people like me. This bothers me because Amoriartii and are basically the same person with 2 differences. They are perceived as white and I am black, and have chosen to always be authentic and I have chosen to hide. Amoriartii is Indigenous.

 I will not deny the color of our skin has played a huge role in the privilege we have access to in America. However, we think the same, have the same values, and come up with the same reasons. I know 100% that if I could pass as white male I would make the same choices that Amoriartii has made and they would make the same choices I have made being black AFAB (assigned female at birth). If we swapped bodies we could live each other's lives without anyone being the wiser. Not even the people closest to us would be able to tell the difference. The reason why people don't like Amoriartii is because they say things that only femmes and people of color are "allowed" to say our community. They want to be able to do everything they want to do without having to sacrifice and our community views that as an assertion of privilege. When really if they weren't white and perceived as male it would be fine. Amoriartii choose to be as honest about what they think as they are allowed to be. They normally lie because they have too (there are a few exceptions to this).And this is where we differ again. I will lie simply because I want to. It's easier for me. I would much rather pretend to be someone else than let you know who I am even a little. Amoriartii picks an authentic part of themselves and makes that all you see. I will refuse to speak because it scares me.  Amoriartii will speak even though it scares them too. They will flirt with who they want when they want regardless of what other people may think. I will only do it if I know it won't have any negative backlass. 

We are not together for a number of reasons but the reason we tell ourselves we're not together is because it would negatively impact both of us as professionals. It would be like if Malcolm X married a white women. The political atmosphere that Amoriartii aspires to is not one that I could be a part of or would want to be a part of. I very much hate the spotlight. And I would get as much attention as they would when they run for public office because I'm black and AFAB. I wouldn't get as much attention from the mainstream community but the queer community would want to interview me probably just as much as they want to interview Amoriartii. I never wanted to be professionally queer. I want to do "other" things and it would be an environment of conformity. One that Amoriartii wouldn't thrive in or enjoy either. We love each other too much to not want the other one to be 100% happy. We love each other too much to ask the other to sacrifice just so we could be together. So we both sacrificed each other and our happiness instead. 

When people tell me how much they don't like Amoriartii and the reason I always think to myself "well you really don't like me either." And if they do it's only because of how they perceive the oppression that I must have in my life.  X amount of oppression qualifies you for X amount of leeway/ whatever would normally make you a bad person otherwise. Sometimes it feels like if you're a poor, indigenous, trans femme, sex worker, undocumented, from a rural community, and is disabled in some visible way, the queer community would let you commit genocide. I understand why we don't hold each other to the same standards but we really should investigate more before setting that bar. I get the same pass that other poor black trans queer femmes get who are from the "hood". Went school in the suburbs. I went to the top five engineering University on the merits scholarship. I have never been hungry. I have always had all utilities on. I got my first computer when I was five. I had private horse riding lessons. I was a girl scout. I've been to every continent except Antarctica. I have no clue how food stamps work cuz no one in my family has ever had them since I've been alive. I was a sugar baby when I was in highschool but minus the sex. I am not the same as the rest of the community I get associated with. Yet my standard is said the same as there's. It's a problem. 

I am just tried of people treating us differently because the perceived oppression. When they need to lower Amoriartii's bar a bit and raise mine. I'm a Canadian penny and Amoriartii we are literally worth the same yet treated so differently.

skirt: sex work/ sex worker/ sex positive PSA

Instead of calling people: 

Dirty whore

Filthy whore

Skank

Hoe

Skank ass hoe

Street walker 

THOT

..... You get the point.

Use these instead:

Filthy fear mongering Fox news castor

Repulsive Republican

Mitch McConnell's butt muncher ( insert any disliked politician you want where it says Mitch McConnell),

Defective religious crusader

Sinful missionary

Mass hemorrhoid 

Liver eating eagle buzzard (for the people who are into mythology)

You're a bigger wanker than Zeus,

 More toxic than masculinity ( toxic masculinity of course not all masculinity),

Snowflake made from the tears the oppressors fragility ( You know the tears they cry when they called out on their shit).

This has been a psa

Skittles: to come 2020

I'll write a birthday post after I can celebrate my birthday. So when ever we get out of quarantine. 

Skittles: can't stop staring at the moon

I try to live my life without regret. I also live my life chasing after one thing. Love, a soul mate if you will. Yet so far I have one regret. That I might have given up on my soul mate. I have a nagging feeling that I threw away what I had been asking for. I have a nagging feeling that I'll die wishing I would have made it work. Wanting to go back and do it all over. I spend my nights wondering if I ignored the signs. If destiny, Deities, guardian angels, authors, ancestors, aliens, or whom ever it may be had a plan for me that I've been screwing up every step of the way. Like a disobedient sim. I wonder if the person my heart cries out to feels the same way. I wonder if my heart will ever learn to let go or love another. I don't know if it's possible. I loved V but I still loved them too. I hate looking up at the moon and hoping they are looking at it to missing me but it's the only thing keeping the urges at bay. I am fighting the urge to look at their insta, Facebook, or Twitter. I want to see the their face. But I know it shouldn't matter anymore. I know shouldn't care or want this any more. But it's my birthday so I'll indulge myself a little bit longer. I'll look up once more then I'll put this and myself to bed. 💔

Skittles: things to do during the quarantine

• Read all those books you wanted to read

• Watch those movies you wanted to watch

• Spend time with your kids, family, pets, people you live with or next to.

• Train your cat or dog

• Take better care of your pets

• Learn that skill you want it to learn

• Learn a language

• Practice your hobbies

• Learn to code

• Make something

• Have those hard conversations with people

• Self care

• Learn about yourself

• Grieve a loss ( if you have a recent one and haven't done so)

• Work on yourself

• Heal from your trauma

• Unlearned toxic behaviors

• fix the obviously broken things about the country. 

• Healthcare for all

• crumbling infrastructure

• Erase college debt

• Make education free

• Homelessness

• Feeding the hungry

• Caring for the sickly and old I'm going home

Skittles: what I'm doing instead of talking to Lovely

I've been panicking about telling Lovely that I basically dumped her (as a friend) on accident. I see her next week. I'm still at a lost for words. Good news I found a song Cool Again that exactly conveys what I'm feeling. Shows you how desperately I've been avoiding this. My favorite is the part that goes "I know I'd said we'd be fine but that was then, and it's a lie."  If I ever got physically or romantically involved with Lovely I'd insist we stay friends even if we broke up. She would be ecstatic about that. I always suspected that I was full of shit but now I know that it would be dam near impossible for for me to go right back to being friends. If I could ever get to a place again were I felt like we were okay as friends. We were just friends and now it's weird. Probably just for me, but still. I would be texting her "I know at the beinging I'd said we we'd be fine but I was lying. Sorry?" Actually! I think when we became friends we said it'd be fine that we might have some non platonic (sexual, sensual, romantic, ect) feelings for each other, because we'd never act on them and it be fine. *Takes five minutes to laugh myself to tears (happy tears).* Neither of us could manage to have a purely platonic relationship in practice. And now it's weird. It's probably been weird for her in past at some point. And we (she) got through it without going nuclear. Also with out me noticing. How does she do that? Maybe she just talked to me and it wasn't weird for me? I can do that too! I think? I spend so much of our relationship being honest and vulnerable. Why is it still hard to do? 90% of our friendship is me sharing feelings and showing a side of myself that I share with no one else. She's seen me sad cry. I don't cry in front of anyone!!! Well we need to talk anyway so it's gotta happen. 

daily struggles

When you don't get time off to go to you're doctor's appointment but you do get approved time off to go to a concert. 🤷🏾

Daily struggles

I don't need a love that would die for me. I don't need a love that would cross oceans and mountains for me. I need a love that will talk to me even when it's hard. I need a love that will show me empathy and patience even when they are mad. 

Skittles: hurting my step dad's feelings

I would like to say that my step dad is homophobic and sexists so I don't feel bad at all. All of these happened really early in the morning before 9 am which is when I start being a decent human being.

Step dad: I herd you finally got a job

Me: You mean  besides the one that society is forced on me being born black and female in this world and having to single-handedly save it and get none of the credit? Were you not considering the job that I have of making myself more palatable so that white people don't see me as threatening? Or do you mean make myself smaller so that other people around me mainly men feel more comfortable in my presence?

Step dad: I meant a job that actually pays the bills even though you don't pay any around here.

Me: oh you mean what I do to survive in this capitalistic society because we don't monetarily compensate most emotional work or household labor that primarily men take for granted. Yes I'm doing very well at my job.

Step dad: it's nice to see you finally put some effort into something.

Me: yes you could learn from my example and put some more effort into your work as a dad. 

Step dad: when are you going to clean your room.

Me: after you clean yours.

Step dad: when are you going to move out?

me: I think the unwanted non contributing person should move out first.

Step dad: So when are you doing to do that?

Me: After I help Mom exterminate the vermin. Would you like one severing of arsinic or two?

Step dad: Don't you think it's time to move out?

Me: I still serve a crucial purpose in this household. Unlike some people who had one job never did it and now and now said job doesn't exist anymore but is still here for some reason?

Step dad: when are you going to graduate?

Me: probably around the same time you loose weight, stop being homophobic, or take your medicine for your diabetes. 

Step dad: what are you doing home so late

Me: what are you doing here at all? Gosh it must have only been in my strung out fantasies you were no longer a part of our lives and we were all better for it. 

Step dad: do you think you can just come and go as you please?

Me: uh yeah.

Step dad: well there are rules in this house.

Me: who made these rules?

Step dad: the people paying the bills

Me: mom! You made rules and one of them wasn't to banish him? He chews with his mouth open! He wakes you up even though you work nights? He eats all the food I cook for you! Missed opportunity is all I'm saying!

Step dad: it's 6am what are you doing just getting home.

Me: minding my own business you should try it some time.

Step dad: where do you think you're going come back here

Me: to bed cuz I'm an adult and the only time have to engage with people I don't like it for money. so unless you have $25 or more per hour for wasting my time I'm going to sleep.

Step dad: so you think you can just do what you want?

Me: I mean with in the confines of societal expectations, yeah.

Step dad: Well you not just gunna be here and not contribute. Also why do you think you can just come home at all hours of the night?

Me: well if contribution is a must then you're extremely in debt. Also some soon to be homeless guy keeps reminding I'm an adult. So I decided to explore all the benefits of being an adult with a key to my residence and no curfew. 

Skittles: it's all in my head

I have a tendency to catastrophize. I think it is how my creativity chooses to manifest itself. Outside of imagining the worst I cannot create to save my life. My artistic skills are in short supply with a non-existent demand. 

A while back I convinced myself that Lovely had broken up with me as a friend. It turns out when she said she was really busy and didn't have time for me it was because she was really busy. I thought she didn't want to be friends for forever and she just meant it's a bad time at the moment. I am a really needy friend when it comes to her. I do not demand to be the center of attention or have all of her time but I do demand to be the center of attention for a little bit. If I don't get my one-on-one lovely time where I am her main focus I get upset. So it is very important that she communicates to me when she doesn't time for me. Because if I come visit and I don't get my one-on-one time I will be angry. We will fight. It will be bad (I feel like the next thing I should say is there will be blood but they won't be.)

So when I stopped talking to her she assumed I threw a tantrum and was mad at her. She figured I'd either cool down and start talking to her again or she would sort it out when she saw me in 2 months. I told her I assumed that she was friend breaking up with me. Then instead of follow through with the whole it's not you it's me she just ghosted me. So we made up but not really. Of course I'm excited to be wrong and still have her in my life. She's means so much to me. But I still feel miles away from her and I really am.

Here's the thing. I had already decided that our relationship was over and started the grieving/break up process. I've put up walls that I can't just tear down. I've cried. I've change my phone background. I've written shitty break up potetry. I go to the gym! I got all the way to the point where I'm trying to decide who gets what the property (objects) we both own. Which is right before change you're hair. I was almost over her and now she's back. Truthfully she never left I was just crazy. But am I just suppose to pretend like none of my moving on happened?

I don't even know if I can tell her went this is hard. What would I even say:

I thought you ghosted me because I'm crazy and that's what I do. So since our relationship was over I've moved on. Expect this whole time it was just a lack of communication and me being crazy. So I still want to be friends. I want to pick up where we left off. But I've done all this emotional work. So I'm for me you're in a very different place emotionally and psychologically then you were when you said you were busy. Even though you did nothing wrong and I completely made up you're negative feelings towrds me in my head. Basically we are a different type of friends now. If you're willing we can figure out what that looks like together?

NO!!. I would rather be this. Arms-length friendship is statistical better for the long run. I'm going to cry about being wrong but stay the course. I don't know if Lovely is here too stay?

Skittles: emo trans spie

Going through an emo rebirth. I was never the type to wear eye liner, dye my hair black, paint my nails black, wear chains, Vans/Converse, and wear all black. But still the emo kid. Outside of the aesthetics of being emo I've got it all down. I have a lot of feelings I just don't show it. I never grew out of my teen angst. I love the music. I stand out in the down pour of the rain screaming, crying, and just generally falling apart. I make mountains out of mole hills cuz I feel everything at 10. I'm going through it all again but like as a 30 year old which feels gross. However I'm still very much attracted to that aesthetic on people my age. Even though I feel gross about it I look at someone else doing it I'm just like "HOT❗💯🔥" I keep thinking I should date another emo person. but I immediately come to my senses because if I did it would just be two people crying all the time. I am listen to a emo playlist right now writing this. 🤘🏿

I'm also struggling being non binary. Not with being non binary itself, cuz I've got that "What the fuck is gender? Why do have to have one? Oh, I've been assigned one by the government since birth? Okay, I might have lost it. Where is that pesky thing? It's got to be here somewhere." Which is the quintessential non-binary experience. No gender feels I have could possibly invalidate my non-binary gender experience just because of what I understand my non binary gender to be. However, being non binary technically makes me trans as well and I struggle with that. Cuz I feel like I'm doing being trans wrong all the time. it doesn't help that I am black and fem looking because it means I instantly get written off as a black trans woman and I'm not that. So I feel like an undercover invasive inner looper. I'm in a space in not supposed to be. But I also sometimes get written off as a black trans guy and I'm not that either. I have a lot of complicated feelings around what it means to be a black male and a lot of complicated feelings around masculinity. So I feel equally uncomfortable being identified as male just from the standpoint of being raised female and having that type of relationship with masculinity. Because I'm technically trans I feel bad about my feelings about my body all the time. Like when I have a good titty day ( a day where I don't want to get my boobs chopped off) I feel like that invalidates my trans-ness. I feel like appreciating my boobs makes me more cisgender because I was born with boobs. I also I hate myself when I feel like I don't not look masculine enough. That feels wrong too specifically in a trans way.  It feels unauthentic because I'm not that type of trans. I feel like a liar. I know that there's no right way to be trans especially being non binary. But it feels like there is a right way to do it and I'm not doing it right. It constantly feels like at any moment everyone's going to turn around and out me as the faker that I am. I would agree with them even though I know I'm not faking. I would believe everyone as they called me a liar because I feel like 1. 

daily struggles

For the first four days of Black history month I'm posting on different things that black people have accomplished. And then on the 5th day I'm going to say we did nothing and that's it's completely fine. We deserve a chance just to live and not have to be excellent all the time. We deserve a break. Even God took a day to rest. We are diverse, valid, and whole people. We struggle, we hurt, we get weary, we get angry, we get depressed, we have joy, and we deserve to be the full people we are.  not just black girl magic, black boy joy, black excellence. but like black girl exhausted, black boy sad. black meeting-standards

skit: I accidentally let people in and they didn't use it to hurt me, yet.

I am not neurotypical. I have never been neurotypical. Not before my official diagnosis of chronic mental heath illness or even before the onset of any of there symptoms. When I was a child I struggled with language. I talked early, and  processed books well above my grade level for years. But everything else that goes into language, the physical aspect, subtle hints in written communication, emojis, slang, abbreviations, grammar, spelling, roots, tones, and writing I don't naturally get it the way a neurotypical person does when it's their native tongue. I have a language processing disorder. 

I spent a lot of years in therapy to learn to cope. Therapy is there not only to help me deal with the frustration of not being able to communicate "properly" but also to develope skills that make up for what I  naturally lack. An example of a coping mechanism, a skill that makes up for what one naturally lacks, is a deaf person learning to read lips. (Not saying deaf people are lacking or their struggle is equivalent to mine. Just talking about coping mechanism.) So many years in occupational therapy trying to understand how yes could really mean no. What I really learned was how to manipulate people. 

Only recently am I trying really hard to understand a select few around me. It's so hard!!!!! I spend so much time thinking about everything trying to figure exactly what they mean. Then gaining the courage to ask if I'm right. While also figuring an excuse that would require me to ask if I'm right cuz it's something everyone else just send to get. Like is everyone happy at a birthday party actually? If so why? I have been hiding this disability for years. Most of my friends don't know I have it. My best friend knows. Friends that I made in school that I saw at the student office for disabilities know. My friends with "apparent" disabilities also know. But that's really it, until now. I recently was so stressed out that I didn't have the energy required to keep up my facade. I stopped trying to understand and just plainly stated what ever it was I needed to communicate. This shocked everyone around me. To which I said "I don't have time right now to center and focus your mind. I have a language processing disorder that impacts my language abilities. I do a really good job at hiding then cuz I'm a great liar and an even better manipulator. I'm trying ty be more authentic with y'all. I don't lie to all but I do keep secrets and selectively omit things." They just rolled with it. 

Of course I'm worried that they just think I'm making up excuses. I understand the doubt. From the outside I look like a highly social person. I enjoy people but it is a lot of work for me. I wouldn't do it if there wasn't the significant benefit for me. If I've been doing it all my life why is it so hard? Generally speaking it's not. If I'm talking to strangers or people I don't care about them it's requires about the same energy as it does for me to leisurely swim about. I can do it in my sleep. That's because I'm not trying to understand all the subtext. I'm looking for basic things a sense of being uncomfortable, angry, or sad. If it's not one of those then I haven't screwed up the conversation and I haven't missed anything. With people I care about I'm trying to read all the cues, for everything, all the time. When they change their facial expressions, I'm trying to figure out why and what the new expressions means. I'm trying to listen for changes in their voice. Everything they do is important and needs to be broken down so I can better understand them. Then when I understand the next part is figuring out how to communicate back. They may not like to be communicated back to in the way that they communicate with everyone else. So mimicking does not always work. I talked back to every person exactly in the style I've created specifically for them. I have to remember the style that I've created for them, updated that style when the person changes, and also update how the person externally communicates as that changes as well. So yeah it's hard and it's a lot and it's all in my head. Cuz for some reason people think it's creepy when you keep notes on them. 

They are all reacting well though. I have a lot of fear around being vulnerable with others. But so far so good. They know now and they understand me better. It's all working out.

Skittles: what is love

I'm having something really strange happen to me emotionally. I can't tell wether or not I'm vibing with people or if I like them. I am in a good place in my life for the first time in a while. I'm not struggling financially, I'm happy with my job, and I have friends that really care about me. It's not wired being in a good place but it is strange to be so confusingly happy towards others. I've been around at least three people and had to ask myself what is going on here. I'm positive it's just me and that they were not in fact flirting with me but I'm still confused. One thing that has been consistent through my whole life is my ability to distinguish my romantic attraction from my platonic ones. My feelings towards someone was and is often the only perceivable distinction between romantic and platonic relationship in my life. I try not to make rules that generalize types of relationships because that's not really helpful for me. I want the relationship to reach it's full potential and be the best it can be for both people. I do have rules about what I won't tolerate but they are the same rules for both platonic and romantic. Romantic attraction feels one way and wanting to be friends with someone feels different. This feeling feels like none of that. It's not indifference either. I've gotten along with people really well but not liked them even as friends, I just find them displeasing. I've not gotten along with people and loved them, husband number 7 is the perfect example of this. But this is a definite undefined interests. Is it a undefined tertiary attraction, it is an alterous attraction (an attraction that is not entirely romantic, platonic, or sexual which involve having a deep emotional closeness and connection more than a friendship, not necessarily physical, and not the same as a romantic relationship. In theory what I had with Lovely), is it romantic, platonic, or sexual. No one knows and I don't really want to find out. I'm a little afraid of the feeling because I don't know what it is. Maybe someone will come along and I'll want to figure it out. Until then I'm going to run away from the cute nice people.