A while back I convinced myself that Lovely had broken up with me as a friend. It turns out when she said she was really busy and didn't have time for me it was because she was really busy. I thought she didn't want to be friends for forever and she just meant it's a bad time at the moment. I am a really needy friend when it comes to her. I do not demand to be the center of attention or have all of her time but I do demand to be the center of attention for a little bit. If I don't get my one-on-one lovely time where I am her main focus I get upset. So it is very important that she communicates to me when she doesn't time for me. Because if I come visit and I don't get my one-on-one time I will be angry. We will fight. It will be bad (I feel like the next thing I should say is there will be blood but they won't be.)
So when I stopped talking to her she assumed I threw a tantrum and was mad at her. She figured I'd either cool down and start talking to her again or she would sort it out when she saw me in 2 months. I told her I assumed that she was friend breaking up with me. Then instead of follow through with the whole it's not you it's me she just ghosted me. So we made up but not really. Of course I'm excited to be wrong and still have her in my life. She's means so much to me. But I still feel miles away from her and I really am.
Here's the thing. I had already decided that our relationship was over and started the grieving/break up process. I've put up walls that I can't just tear down. I've cried. I've change my phone background. I've written shitty break up potetry. I go to the gym! I got all the way to the point where I'm trying to decide who gets what the property (objects) we both own. Which is right before change you're hair. I was almost over her and now she's back. Truthfully she never left I was just crazy. But am I just suppose to pretend like none of my moving on happened?
I don't even know if I can tell her went this is hard. What would I even say:
I thought you ghosted me because I'm crazy and that's what I do. So since our relationship was over I've moved on. Expect this whole time it was just a lack of communication and me being crazy. So I still want to be friends. I want to pick up where we left off. But I've done all this emotional work. So I'm for me you're in a very different place emotionally and psychologically then you were when you said you were busy. Even though you did nothing wrong and I completely made up you're negative feelings towrds me in my head. Basically we are a different type of friends now. If you're willing we can figure out what that looks like together?
NO!!. I would rather be this. Arms-length friendship is statistical better for the long run. I'm going to cry about being wrong but stay the course. I don't know if Lovely is here too stay?
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