Today Amoriartii got engaged to Felix. Somewhere some part of me way deep down is ecstatic. Another part of me, not so deep down, is destroyed. But my antidepressants are making me numb to pretty much everything. I know I feel these things but I'm unable to access the full emotion. I'm only able to get the tip of the iceberg. I haven't really tried to feel it
all yet. I'm too fragile to handle it all. I haven't looked at the photos. I haven't called or texted them congratulations. I haven't even looked at their Facebook page in a week. I'm doing okay keeping my distance but I still feel broken. I've been crying all day. I've been reaching out as much as my pride and need for privacy has allowed me to. I've been listening to the same song on repeat, Fix You by Coldplay. The only thing that will make this better is time. While I wait to grow, learn, heal, feel, whatever, I'm going to get irresponsibly drunk. I know it's not healthy and alcohol is one of the worst coping mechanisms there is. But I want to look at the photos. I want to feel. I just don't want to send myself in a downward spiral by doing so. Which is what will happen if I look at them sober and alone. I have given this my best shot and I deserve not to fall apart. I know that this engagement/ marriage doesn't mean that Amoriartii and I are over. But it feels over to me. I wanted the ring that Felix got. I wanted to be at opposite ends of the aisle from Amoriartii. I want forever. I'm not getting that. Maybe that's for the best but it sure as hell doesn't feel the best. I am miles from all of my people, so I'm dealing with this alone. I have no one to distract me, or be my shoulder to cry on. The closest person is 2 hours away and busy today. My best friend is two states away in the same state as my trusted assistant. My favorite gay is the furthest south and east you can go in the U.S. My sisters are all in other states and at work, except the youngest one who is out of the country. This is this first time I've had to go it alone. I'm at a lost of where to start. I am the one who fixes people, and now there is no one around to fix me. I will have to fix my own broken heart. All my love has gone to waste, and the best I can do is cry. I'm going to try to sleep through as much of the pain as possible until I am able to drink with one of my friends. I'm only 26 hours away. I need 10 hours of sleep a day so if I take a nap now until I have to go to work later it will be something like 12.5 hours that I don't have to feel. Plus I can sleep on my way to my friend. That's another 4 hours. I won't have to deal with feelings for more than 9.5 hours. I think I can make it. I hope I learn from how much distress this has caused me and never do this again.
*Side note*
In slightly related news I have decided I will run my non for profit for 4 more years before I pass it off to someone else. I have four more years of Amoriartii. Then after that if I never want to see them again I don't have to. I will be free.
*Side note*
I almost want this to be over. I'm sure that all this added stress is bad for my health. I'm hurting, I'm crying, I'm avoiding. But I'm also in love. It's a torturous line to walk.
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