Skitt: ode to my depression

My depression doesn't hurt, 

never has.

I hear for some its like losing a loved one

or going through a break up.

Mine occasionally feels like body aches,

those are good days.

When my bones creek like it's going to rain

but is just the dragon resettling it's self in the darkness,

yes, those are the good days.  

Most of the time depression feels numb.

Like the vast emptiness of space.

Dark matter,

void of feeling or life

only called such because of the absences.

My depression is the absence of my life,

or lack of understanding of what noting is.

Dark maker makes up most of the universe

yet we call it nothingness.

How can nothing

make up everything?

Most Americans will experience depression at some point in their lives

and most say it feels like nothing.

Like their life became nothing.

How can you live nothing?

How can thing that we all go through be nothing?

Dark is the absence light

not a void of non existence.

There could still be life in the dark,

we just can't see it.

What if dark matter is the absence of matter as we know it

we just can't understand it, yet.

What if depression is the absence of life and emotions as we know them, 

we just can't feel what's left,  yet.

My depression feels like ignorance,

but not the blissful kind. 

In April I decided I wanted to write a poem about my depression. I was going to work on it everyday and at the end of the month release it. I thought this would a good exercise to engage in because April is national poetry month. You already know by lack of poem it didn't work out like I planed. I did work on it everyday but by the end of the month I didn't like what I had so I didn't publish it.  Yesterday, I wrote poem above in about 10 mins. But creativity is strange like that.  Any way because I still have what I wrote in April i thought I would share what didn't make it off the drawing board. I like some of the lines but I was never able to connect them into something I felt narrated what my depression is or how I relate to it. So it makes no sense. Here is ode to my depression the April edition 

 

Looking for the right words to say the wrong thing

Its more like neutrals and lows, 

or lows and lowers

how much can I possibly hate everything

when your own skin isn't even comfortable anymore

I can't  stand people or the thought of letting someone in

But I can't stand the loneliness either

Crying won't make it any of it better 

but it's all I can do to keep

The time for sleep is now