Skit: walking at night

*trigger warning*
I mention rape in this post

I was doing things I was taught as a female bodies and appearing person never to do, walking alone and riding the train late at night. It is about 8:30 and I was walking alone on the south side of my city. A place that is considered unsafe. In all honesty it does have a higher crime rate than other places in the city but, I it is a working class/ low income neighborhood that isn't treated as a priority by the police or the city in terms of resources distribution. So you have to look at it from both sides. Anyway Jay Skittles a young female bodied person walking down the street to the train. I pass a couple of female bodied people on my way. They don't seem particularly threatened by my presence nor I by theirs. They look like people of color. One was brown the other looked black like me. I thought nothing of it as I passed them on the street. But if they were male bodied I probably would have paid more attention to the interaction (or lack thereof). When I pass male bodied people on the street I tend to give them more space. If it would have been males on the street no matter the race I would have crossed the street earlier or not have passed them at all. Anything I could do to avoid being noticed by the men or drawing attention to the fact that I might be female bodied I would have done. Every one on one encounter with strange men I don't know is a potential rape situation to me. I worry every time its dark, not crowed and I pass a guy on the street. I think in my head this could be it. Even during the day when it’s just me on the street and no one else, then I see a man, it’s a tiny moment of panic. I got on the train safe and sound, un-raped. I got on a car where I was the only person, there was no one else, something else I was taught not to do. My parents told me always ride in front with the conductor on in a car with ladies. I liked being in a car all by myself but I wondered who would feel comfortable joining me in the car? I thought probably POC women because we don't see each other as dangerous really. Also men. Not white women and maybe not Asian people.  I am not saying Asians are not POC. I am saying in my experience, my Asian friends said they were taught to talk to other Asians first then white people then everyone else. I don't think I white women would sit with me if she had the choice between a white man and me, because I am black. But given the choice between me and a man of color she would choose me because I am female and I probably won't rape her. Whatever negative stereotypes come with black females that could affect a white women on the train is not as bad or as terrifying as being raped. I began to think what I would think of whoever joined me on my very empty train. If it was a man we already know what I think regardless of race.  If it’s a white guy I might be a little more at ease then if it was a male of any other race. Just because I don't feel as threatened. I haven't been taught to think the worst of white people, which surprises me. I mean I have been taught that they can be racist and ignorant of my struggles but they probably won't rob me, or assault me. I think I should be suspicious of them because history should make the entire black race suspicious of white people, but we're not. I have had racist slurs yelled at me, but other than being a little uncomfortable I've never fear for my life. I think my natural response should be a white person gets on the train and I should worry that they are a racists who is going to murder me simply because I am black, but that is not the case. If a white person joined me on the train it would be okay. Every time the doors open my heart races eagerly awaiting a person, preferably white or Asian female, to join me. If the person that joins me is Latin@ that would be fine as well. I wouldn't worry at all if it was a Latina. Maybe she is in a gang and maybe I get robbed but I am really not that worried. I would be kind of worried if it was a Latino. He could be a drug lord, gang leader, gang member, just generally dangerous. I don't know why I don't think Latinas can be drug lords, I am sure they can but it’s not what I would if a Latina got on the train with me.  I would worry about being assaulted by your stereotypical looking Latino. Now a Latino in a suit or nice clothes I wouldn't worry at all but I might still think he is a drug lord. What social class a stranger looks like they belong to effects my judgment and my comfort level. If they look like they are high class I won't worry. If they look homeless before they even say or do anything I feel a little threatened. If they are black I would be on alert. I would hold my belongings a little closer and start talking to someone on my phone. What I don't understand is why I am so inherently suspicious of my own people. I have been taught not to trust other people with in my race. I have been told they are dangerous. Which translates to I am dangerous, and not to be trusted. After five stops I only have one more to go and a black boy no older than I gets on the train at the other end of the car. He looks at me as I look at him and sits as far away from me as possible. He steals glances at me, like he is watching me to make sure I don't try anything for the two minuets we share a car. Before I got off I said "have a good night" he said "you too, stay warm." He seemed nice. As switched trains I wonder if everyone goes through this. At night alone in "dangerous" parts of the city that you are unfamiliar with do you experience this or something similar. I also wondered what gender variant people experience in these situations, passing, spooked, and everything else alike. For those who don't have their gender policed because they are for lack of better term passing, I wonder what it’s like on the other side. For those people who are Trans* but still operate with in this socially constructed binary what is it like to have both perspectives? For people who get spooked lone night travels present another set of challenges, what do you worry about most? Do your fears change given what a person looks like?  For my gender fluid folks do your fears change based on your presentation? Androgynous people do you have these fears at all? I can imagine my inner monologue would be specifically about race if I was androgynous. Well that and the fact that I could feel the other person trying to figure out what my genitals look like.