Skit: so I went to see Dark Matter

"The burden of progress is assigned to the individual to find a way out of the violence, not to the system to stop being violent." Dark matter  This speaks to so much in our society. It is the victim of rape's fault for getting raped, not the rapist how raped said individual. The cop had to shoot the person of color, it was his fault for looking suspicious, his fault for running away, his fault pulling a weapon. Not the racist system of profiling that makes every person of color look suspicious. Not the history that this country has of killing people of color by the millions just because they can. It not like communities of color have seen their family members get longer prisons sentences, less likely to get parole, or more likely to be heavily scrutinized by the police/justice/prison system. All these trans* people brought violence upon themselves by not conforming to societies gender norms out in public. Its not this fear or threat or christian/religious warfare in the in name of something bigger than one's self, something bigger to stop making them feel so small, feel in control. It is not the murders fault for killing another human being for being their self. Please let that skink in. We are killing people for putting on dress; because we have gendered dress female, because we have have decide the person who is in the dress is not female, because once you break gender roles you are no longer worthy of life, because we decided that you are no longer a person, because now you represent an idea a scary idea, because that scary idea is wrong, because it is scary, because it scares us we killed them, because they were in a dress. Every time there is bombing every brown person, Muslim or not, or not becomes an enemy of the state. White people keep talking about how they have bled for this country, in wars and in tragedy. White america wake up we are bleeding for this country. You could paint every road in america twice with blood of people of color. We'll start wit the blood of the Native Americans, the genocide that had to happen for this country to even be founded. Next we'll move on to the blood Africans forced over here against their will to come here. The ones that died on the journey. The ones that died at port. The millions that died here. Their children's children's children all of them died here. Let's continue on to Asian Americans that were killed after pearl harbor. The blood of or Latin@s because of a drug war or a war on illegal immigrants. To the deaths of our brown people because america isn't for terrorist. Even though Americans are the biggest threat to the rest of the world. Americans are terrorist.  We are bleeding, we are dying trying to archive a lie painted with our blood to look like a dream, dream that is for white Americans only. You have to be this white, this christian, and this rich to ride this ride for everyone else this country really isn't for you. If you make it I would salute you but, I know you have made some comprises that your not too proud of to get there. Whether you believe in their propaganda bullshit or not you have had to stand up and pledge allegiance to the system that would rape, kill, commit acts of violence and terrorism against you because its your duty to change everything you are and not the America's to be better.  I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of capitalism, and to the system of violence for which it stands, one Nation under Christianity's God, heteronormativly comforming , with liberty and justice for all male white supremacist .

#DarkMatter #itgetsbitter

Daily struggle

This year for my birthday I am going to wear my hair natural before I perm it. Then after its been straight for a couple weeks I am going to cut it off. I have always hated my hair. I wanted it to be straighter, shinier, less voluminous. But know I know that is just the white supremacy and wanting to conform to white western forms of beauty. I wish I wanted my hair to be black ( its dark brown), thicker, fuller, tighter curls, to compress more, bigger, coarser and softer. Basically I should want it to be more of what it is. More like the hair from the people I got it from. I should love my black hair. I should want my black hair. I should be proud of my black hair. I should be proud to be black but I can't be because I hate my hair...

Daily struggles

Inner monologue of J Skittles at the departure bored:
Where the hell did they move the flight to this time.....
A, A, A, Atlantic city, Ana Arbor, Aruba, Atlanta okay E6
Hmmm Aruba I wanna go to Aruba
Why don't I go to Aruba
I am packed for warm weather anyway
And I have a swim suit in my bag
I'll book a hotel at the gate
I have enough money to go to Aruba for a few days
I'm going to Aruba!!
Tell my parents when I get there
Wait but this is probably my only chance to see Eli this year. ( Eli is my baby cousin that was just born)
And my uncles, Aunt and friends are expecting me.
We've been planning this for like 3 months.
Dam it but beaches and bikinis :'(
Next time!

And this is why I need constant adult supervision at all times. Just cuz I have some of my shit together doesn't mean I don't do impulsive stupid things.

Ps.
If I would have had a friend with me and could have talked them into going to Aruba dam the responsibilities and expectation I would be on my way to Aruba right now.

Daily struggles

My favorite part about being friends with Jerbear is that even when one of us is upset we start laughing before we can even being to explain why we were crying. When either of us is having a bad day instead of saying we are upset or not okay we say we have maggots in our scrotum. When we are having a good day we say we have the golden plates. Our entire life is a book of Mormon reference

Update : skit: three platonic love stories

Husband number seven recently moved and now we live in the same zip code again. I mean I travel a lot and I have like 3 different "homes"/ place were my mail goes, but he now lives in one of those places. I'm excited and happy to have one of my people back with in proximity of my living arrangements but everything comes with a grain of salt. This time it seems to come with more than just a grain of salt, this feels like the whole dam shaker. He and I support each other, but he doesn't really let me in that much. Which I am fine with but because of how things are going I am wondering if he wants me in more now?  I love him no matter what and I will be there for him. I'm just worried. But my co dependant self is over joyed to have him back.

Daily struggle

Carly Ray's new song I really like you is how I feel when ever I get a crush. If you don't want someone who I will think of you all the time, talk about you no stop to all their friends, over think every little thing, drive themselves a little insane trying to get your attention, try to hard in general, and go a little over the top with the romantic gestures then I am not the person for you. I am not the one to get jealous in relationships but with a crushes, sanity goes out the windows. I promise nobody loves like I do so I am worth all the trouble. I will say the wrong things and do the wrong thing because you make me nervous. Its going to take me a while to relax and to trust you, don't give up on me because I really really really really really really like you.

Daily struggles

Everything can be talked out over coffee and a sandwhich.

Daily struggle

Defcon 4 lertcon 2 defenses emergcon!!!!! This is not a drill

Skittles: love me like you do

Skitt: ode to my depression

My depression doesn't hurt, 

never has.

I hear for some its like losing a loved one

or going through a break up.

Mine occasionally feels like body aches,

those are good days.

When my bones creek like it's going to rain

but is just the dragon resettling it's self in the darkness,

yes, those are the good days.  

Most of the time depression feels numb.

Like the vast emptiness of space.

Dark matter,

void of feeling or life

only called such because of the absences.

My depression is the absence of my life,

or lack of understanding of what noting is.

Dark maker makes up most of the universe

yet we call it nothingness.

How can nothing

make up everything?

Most Americans will experience depression at some point in their lives

and most say it feels like nothing.

Like their life became nothing.

How can you live nothing?

How can thing that we all go through be nothing?

Dark is the absence light

not a void of non existence.

There could still be life in the dark,

we just can't see it.

What if dark matter is the absence of matter as we know it

we just can't understand it, yet.

What if depression is the absence of life and emotions as we know them, 

we just can't feel what's left,  yet.

My depression feels like ignorance,

but not the blissful kind. 

In April I decided I wanted to write a poem about my depression. I was going to work on it everyday and at the end of the month release it. I thought this would a good exercise to engage in because April is national poetry month. You already know by lack of poem it didn't work out like I planed. I did work on it everyday but by the end of the month I didn't like what I had so I didn't publish it.  Yesterday, I wrote poem above in about 10 mins. But creativity is strange like that.  Any way because I still have what I wrote in April i thought I would share what didn't make it off the drawing board. I like some of the lines but I was never able to connect them into something I felt narrated what my depression is or how I relate to it. So it makes no sense. Here is ode to my depression the April edition 

 

Looking for the right words to say the wrong thing

Its more like neutrals and lows, 

or lows and lowers

how much can I possibly hate everything

when your own skin isn't even comfortable anymore

I can't  stand people or the thought of letting someone in

But I can't stand the loneliness either

Crying won't make it any of it better 

but it's all I can do to keep

The time for sleep is now

Skit: three platonic love stories

I has accrued to me that I don't really write about how three main platonic relationships have matured and change over the years and with this move that I made. Well first things first I don't get to spend much time with them anymore. I mainly spent my time between Husband number seven and Jerbear but when I spent time with Lafabulous we crammed a lot in. My relationship with my 7th husband has changed the most without really changing at all. In high school we faked dated so our parents wouldn't find out us we were gay. Then we went to the same University and lived four blocks from each other. We had a key to each other's place. He got there a week before me to help people move in. I arrived 5 days before any of my other roommates so I had a huge place all to myself and to be honest I was a little scared. So I spent those 5 nights with my husband and that basically how we became so close. I think we force the other to explore things that we never knew existed. He and I are sometimes seem like polar opposites of each other but it works for us. He opens my eyes to classical music in all its forms. He challenges me with philosophy. Shows me art that I would never have gone looking for on my own. Shows me world politics things most Americans couldn't give to cents about. He makes me a worldlier person. I show him love. I open his eyes history as it is evolving now. I bring him the simple things in life and teach him to enjoy them. I teach him the politics of everyday people not as we should be ideally but how we are. We make each other better and it’s been a relationship of crossing boundaries as we come to them not that we had a lot beforehand. Unlike me and Jerbear. I would say he started out more reserved than I. Which is hard because I'm hard to infiltrate than area 51. But he wouldn't even cuddle with me at first. It took me maybe a couple months to earn his trust but it took a year before we could snuggle up and watch a movie. A whole year!!! But I feel like the wild person inside of me connects most with Jerbear. It is hard for me to relax and just have a good time because I have some many things going on plus my appearance is everything to me ( for work related reason). But Jerbear just makes me forget about it all and not care. When I am with Jerbear I can let my hair down and live in the moment. I know everyone wants me to be the girl who when she finally lets loose dances on a table or dose something like that. That would at least give me a reason to be so uptight, if I got too wild to handle, not the case. Jerbear and I get drunk and bake cookies and make cute little crafts for our pets. His hedgehog has the cutes little booties after that one time Binny's had a buy on get one free on every item in the store. We also made his mom a delicious pineapple upside down cake. See I get crazy wild drunk.... in the kitchen or Joanna's fabrics. Sometimes I just get crazy like weird, and that's where Lafabulous comes in. More and more I feel like only people I am very close with can understand me or tolerate my high levels of strangeness. When my strange levels hit maximum it is time for a cram session with Lafabulous. Our relationship never had boundaries. I feel like I have created them as we went along, like no photo bombing my video conferences without being fully clothed. My friends on Skype were not ready prepare for my shirtless friend in the background cat calling them. Lafabulous lets me be strange, different, and odd and that's normal for us. We watch Netflix or play video games, drink drinks, order or make food, and talk about why Obama isn't a cat and would he still have a dog as a pet if he were. I can be introverted with him. Our talks have gotten deeper and more serious over the years. I have learned a lot about myself because we think out loud when we are together. It is usually through his strange ideas that find something out about myself. Talking it out and really challenging the other to go that extra mile mentally and try to and something. But we aren't all work and no play we try not to take ourselves to seriously I say I don't want to get up and greet the sun today he says we can stay in bed until we get hungry. I say we could go to the club but we have all the ingredients we need to make cookies he says why you even brought up the club like it was an option. Not to say I actually socialize when I with Jerbear or my husband. I think there are two things all of these relationships have in common: one we spend a lot off time in bed now. Two we consume a lot of sweets together (basically chocolate chip cookies). I also change and grow with them. I love them. I don't get to see them as often as I once did but I still need them in my life. Despite the fact that they are all basically at the end of their careers in university I think our relationships will remain strong. We are moving on and I think these friendships will move with them. 

Skit: walking at night

*trigger warning*
I mention rape in this post

I was doing things I was taught as a female bodies and appearing person never to do, walking alone and riding the train late at night. It is about 8:30 and I was walking alone on the south side of my city. A place that is considered unsafe. In all honesty it does have a higher crime rate than other places in the city but, I it is a working class/ low income neighborhood that isn't treated as a priority by the police or the city in terms of resources distribution. So you have to look at it from both sides. Anyway Jay Skittles a young female bodied person walking down the street to the train. I pass a couple of female bodied people on my way. They don't seem particularly threatened by my presence nor I by theirs. They look like people of color. One was brown the other looked black like me. I thought nothing of it as I passed them on the street. But if they were male bodied I probably would have paid more attention to the interaction (or lack thereof). When I pass male bodied people on the street I tend to give them more space. If it would have been males on the street no matter the race I would have crossed the street earlier or not have passed them at all. Anything I could do to avoid being noticed by the men or drawing attention to the fact that I might be female bodied I would have done. Every one on one encounter with strange men I don't know is a potential rape situation to me. I worry every time its dark, not crowed and I pass a guy on the street. I think in my head this could be it. Even during the day when it’s just me on the street and no one else, then I see a man, it’s a tiny moment of panic. I got on the train safe and sound, un-raped. I got on a car where I was the only person, there was no one else, something else I was taught not to do. My parents told me always ride in front with the conductor on in a car with ladies. I liked being in a car all by myself but I wondered who would feel comfortable joining me in the car? I thought probably POC women because we don't see each other as dangerous really. Also men. Not white women and maybe not Asian people.  I am not saying Asians are not POC. I am saying in my experience, my Asian friends said they were taught to talk to other Asians first then white people then everyone else. I don't think I white women would sit with me if she had the choice between a white man and me, because I am black. But given the choice between me and a man of color she would choose me because I am female and I probably won't rape her. Whatever negative stereotypes come with black females that could affect a white women on the train is not as bad or as terrifying as being raped. I began to think what I would think of whoever joined me on my very empty train. If it was a man we already know what I think regardless of race.  If it’s a white guy I might be a little more at ease then if it was a male of any other race. Just because I don't feel as threatened. I haven't been taught to think the worst of white people, which surprises me. I mean I have been taught that they can be racist and ignorant of my struggles but they probably won't rob me, or assault me. I think I should be suspicious of them because history should make the entire black race suspicious of white people, but we're not. I have had racist slurs yelled at me, but other than being a little uncomfortable I've never fear for my life. I think my natural response should be a white person gets on the train and I should worry that they are a racists who is going to murder me simply because I am black, but that is not the case. If a white person joined me on the train it would be okay. Every time the doors open my heart races eagerly awaiting a person, preferably white or Asian female, to join me. If the person that joins me is Latin@ that would be fine as well. I wouldn't worry at all if it was a Latina. Maybe she is in a gang and maybe I get robbed but I am really not that worried. I would be kind of worried if it was a Latino. He could be a drug lord, gang leader, gang member, just generally dangerous. I don't know why I don't think Latinas can be drug lords, I am sure they can but it’s not what I would if a Latina got on the train with me.  I would worry about being assaulted by your stereotypical looking Latino. Now a Latino in a suit or nice clothes I wouldn't worry at all but I might still think he is a drug lord. What social class a stranger looks like they belong to effects my judgment and my comfort level. If they look like they are high class I won't worry. If they look homeless before they even say or do anything I feel a little threatened. If they are black I would be on alert. I would hold my belongings a little closer and start talking to someone on my phone. What I don't understand is why I am so inherently suspicious of my own people. I have been taught not to trust other people with in my race. I have been told they are dangerous. Which translates to I am dangerous, and not to be trusted. After five stops I only have one more to go and a black boy no older than I gets on the train at the other end of the car. He looks at me as I look at him and sits as far away from me as possible. He steals glances at me, like he is watching me to make sure I don't try anything for the two minuets we share a car. Before I got off I said "have a good night" he said "you too, stay warm." He seemed nice. As switched trains I wonder if everyone goes through this. At night alone in "dangerous" parts of the city that you are unfamiliar with do you experience this or something similar. I also wondered what gender variant people experience in these situations, passing, spooked, and everything else alike. For those who don't have their gender policed because they are for lack of better term passing, I wonder what it’s like on the other side. For those people who are Trans* but still operate with in this socially constructed binary what is it like to have both perspectives? For people who get spooked lone night travels present another set of challenges, what do you worry about most? Do your fears change given what a person looks like?  For my gender fluid folks do your fears change based on your presentation? Androgynous people do you have these fears at all? I can imagine my inner monologue would be specifically about race if I was androgynous. Well that and the fact that I could feel the other person trying to figure out what my genitals look like.

Daily struggle

At the bored in my math lecture about to embarrass myself trying to solves this math problem. When will of a sudden the pussycat dolls pot into my head and doll I can hear is " boys call me sexy and you don't care what they say cuz every time you turn around they screaming your name, boys call you sexy.."