Skittles: consent and consenting

Saturday I attend a conference called Midwestern Bisexual Lesbian Gay Trans Ally Collegiate Conference, MBLGTACC (pronounced Mumble-tac). It is a conference I have been going to for three years now and I always manage to take something away from the 48 hour experience. Sunday's lesson was consent. I plan to write three more posts about my three day excursion, one for Valentine’s Day, one on the conference as a whole, and one on my two roommates (Potato and Amoriartii). Today’s was the last day and I woke up in a strange mental and emotional space. For the past two nights I have been sharing a room with my friend Amoriartii, who I am tragically in love with. If sharing a living space with someone doesn't put a strain on a relationship, living with them and having unrequited feelings for them does. I find that for the most part I am able to keep my romantic feelings for them separate from our friendship and be the good friend. It's not the easiest thing when we are staying together, but I make it work by preventing myself from entering into situations that put me in emotionally compromising positions. Now it’s a hotel room and it’s during a gay conference, I know that my roommates are hooking up. That is why we talk, plan, and divide the room time. I would prefer my roommates didn't bring people back to the room while I was there, but if they aren't engaging in any sort of sexual activity then there presence doesn’t bother me. I have roomed with Amoriarttii many times and I know how they work. But Saturday was particularly hard for them and I was kind of worried.  So against my better judgment, I let them bring a boy back to the room for what was supposed to be cuddling. Now like I said we talk and our hotel room only functions because everyone in said hotel room speaks up for themselves. We are not mind readers and if someone wants something they have to say it. Also, just because we said we are okay with it at the moment doesn't mean we will be okay with it later, so we are also allowed to withdraw consent at any moment.  Consent and continuing to check in to ask for consent is a big deal for us. So what should have happened is as soon as cuddling became more than cuddling I should have said something, but let’s be realistic nobody wants to be that person. This brings me to something me and Amoriartii study and attempt to practice a lot, practiced consent. Like I said, our hotel room wouldn't function without proper consent dialogue. But I went to a workshop at MBLGTACC called the consenting asexual that explored the different philosophies of consent. One philosophy in particular looks at what’s not being said. People tend not to fully disclose their feelings for whatever reason and when a person consents but doesn't fully disclose their feelings about the activity that they are consenting to it really isn't consent. For example:

 Jay likes Alex and Alex like Jay but really isn't that into to sex. Jay wants to enter into a relationship with Alex with the expectation that a sex will be a component of this relationship. Alex enters into the relationship because they do really like Jay but don't tell them how they feel about having sex because they are afraid to lose Jay all together.  In that situation, neither party is really engaging in informed consent because Alex is keeping things from Jay so Jay cannot make an informed decision. Also, Alex feels pressured into the relationship out of fear of losing Jay, thus consent through indirect coercion,

This brings me back to my situation. There are three people in my room (not including the other person partaking in the sex), Amoriartti, Potato, and myself. Every in the room has to consent to consent every step of the way. First off Potato couldn't do that because they fell asleep. So they consented to cuddle but when it became more than cuddling there was no longer consent. I like Amoriartti; I want them to be happy, however, sex makes me uncomfortable, and I get mad jealous. My fears are that by ruining this for them that I push them farther away, when I just really want them to be closer. Amoriartti doesn't know how uncomfortable sex makes me because I haven't told them. Given how I feel plus lack of conversation means I can't give consent. My consent in the situation was emotionally extorted from me and I kind of think Amoriartii knows that, but for the sake of this discussion will give them the benefit of the doubt. Nobody could really give consent because I wasn't forthcoming with information and Potato was sleep. This creates a problem we tried to eliminate at the beginning, that nobody is a mind reader.  We all must say not only what is on our minds, but what we feel. I don't know about you, but I find that part particularly challenging. I am very divide and sometimes at conflicted with how I feel given the fact that I like Amoriartti but we are just friends, who also run an international organization together. Our relationship is a little complex. So when they ask my consent to do something how do I answer?  As the person who has romantic feelings for them, I would have said no. I get crazy jealous and I don't want to have to deal with the emotions that come with that. As their friend I would have said yes initially because everyone loves to cuddle, but as soon as it became more than that I would have said no. Sex makes me really uncomfortable and I would have liked it to stop. As their boss and handler I would have said yes, because it’s good for their image and ego. Like I said they were having an off day and I was worried about them and what better way to cheer up. I have three different ways of assessing the situation, each with its own agenda and priorities. How do you give informed consent in complex situations? This experience taught me that no is the easy way out. When in doubt say no, but sometimes you must have the courage to have the difficult conversations.  That way everyone can make the best informed decision. Hard conversations lead to the best outcome for informed consent conversations.