Skitt: imposter's healing journey

I've lost a lot of friends this year. I've heard that this happens while you're on your healing journey. You can't keep things that severed the old you in the way to who you're becoming. However, I suspect that I am the problem. How could all these people be the problem? Maybe they are right? Even if they aren't I'm the one who keeps attracting these people so it has to be me. What if I haven't been healing and I've fooled everyone so well that I began to believe the lie myself. I'm still really controlling, I feel like I'm constantly adding abandonment triggers, still very judgemental, I shrink away from accountability because it's uncomfortable, I've been lying at work more than I've ever lied at a job. I don't feel like I'm making progress. I know this isn't the worst version of myself. *Not that there is a better or worse version of myself. There is just surviving, learning, and healing. * It feels bad a lot of the time. It's overwhelming how awful it feels. It feels lonely. It feels like pain. There's so much hurt and anger. I hate the emptyness. Rather than sit and be with myself I dissociate. I can't control it, even if I wanted to sit with myself I didn't think I could. I dissociate so often I think I have gotten used to the feeling. I don't even notice it anymore. The melancholy is always right there on the periphery. Watching, waiting for its moment to strike and consume me. 

When I say melancholy I mean hormone induced depression. I hope that's what all this is. My whole life changed relatively fast and when the dust settled my hormones stood there in rubble with a bomb. I really want this depression and dissociation to all be hormones. I want the imposter syndrome and irritability to be hormones. I want this constant numb apathy that is my new baseline to be hormones. I want not to be able to feel emotionally connected or build intimacy to be hormones. But I'm worried that I'm actually just a terrible person. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a sociopath, beyond help, better off alone. I'm worried that I can't get better. My therapist is always telling me to sit in discomfort and I can not, no matter the reward, seem to do it. I want to get better, to be better, but apparently not at the risk of my own comfort. So I sit here less than a foot away from the woman who loves me. Meanwhile I've never been farther away. I'm off treading water in the middle of the dark ocean and the storm is bearing down on me. 

The shell of me is here faking a smile, trying to give her whatever I think she wants, and fawning instead of… I don't know… being authentic. I don't know what that looks like right now. I don't identify with this version of me. I don't like this person. They are mean, forgetful, scared, lost, lonely, on the offensive, arrogant, full of pain but unwilling to feel it, anxious, overwhelmed, sad, and quite a bit to handle. Despite being lonely and wanting to connect I keep this person away from everyone. I don't want people to meet me like this. So I seem standoffish despite really wanting to be on the inside. It looks nice. People look happy. I want that so bad. I want to feel like that.