Skit: 2022 year in review

This is going to be short. This year was dominated by heart break. That was the theme. I hurt for 90% of the year. 

 I've made some progress in therapy. Mostly not assuming the worst first. I'll still count it as a possibility obviously but I'm not going to say the most probable thing to happen or even listed as the first option.

 I'm getting rid of people who I call friends but haven't really been friends and that's really difficult. The one in New Orleans is the first one to go in 2023. 

My standards of whether I'm a good friend or not I've been tested this year. It's been difficult to be the good friend I want to be and stay employed. I do feel like I need to work on showing up when it's hard. I've got showing up when it's not convenient. I've got showing up when it's uncomfortable. But I don't quite have showing up when there are negative consequences for me. I don't know if I want to gain that level of sacrifice. I have to make sure that the person is worth it. 

That's it not much else happened. Not much to reflect on here. No major life changes, no lost of important relationships. Pretty stable all things considered just painful. 

Ps. I moved Eta Carina to the people I've dated. Which is different than the people I've loved.

daily struggles

I think I've hurt for a year now. There was a brief moment between beginning February and end of April where I was okay but if we count the months from September to now it's just been a year of heartbreak. 

Skittles: 12/21/22

This heart stays broken. I'm a constant state of disarray and in need of repair. So much so I'm beginning to wonder what the joys of love feel like. Because the pain is all I remember and it's all too familiar. The pain has made it's self comfortable in my chest. Taken up residence. Made it's self at home. A home of memories that make me cry and triggers that break me down. 

No one can say I didn't love her. Because if this isn't love why does it hurt me so bad. Makes me so mad at myself for not learning the first fifty 'leven times. From not learning from Amoriartii. For failing the test after spending five years making the same mistake. Iwant to be better. 

But there's only pain where my heart use to be. One that's making it harder to love a women who actually wants me. Pain that is only overshadowed by the loneliness of pinning for someone who can never love me the way that I love them. A heart not yet whole and still very much tattared, disassembled. Yet completely distracted by Black Velvet. Maybe if it were whole and healed we could love someone else. We wouldn't cling to the first floating object that came our way like we were drowning. But I'm all honesty we were sort of drowning. Exhausted from trying to keep our head up. Encompassed in the pain. The hollow that would be the loneliness in my bones filled with my pain. Then came Back Velvet like an island respit in the middle of the dark unforgiving ocean. My heart needs them. Especially now in the cold dark. They help me face the void everyday and not give in. Never mind the fact that they don't love me like that. That does add to the hurt but not more than they help me heal. 

I want to get off this island. I want to go back to land. I'm sick of this never ending ocean. I know that when I am actually tired of hurting it will stop, or at least begin to get better. I'm impatient. I want to be better now. I don't want to want to talk to her. I don't want to want to see her. I'm sick of writing about her. I didn't name her so it will be easier to forget her in the future. But here in the present she's always on my mind like a song I can't shake. Even if I'm not actively thinking about her she still there. I can beat cancer but this is insuperable. This feels like a forever love but I hope I'm wrong. 

All I can do is cling to my island and cry I guess. I feel bad for the women who likes me and I can't be bothered to show up. I wonder how I will face the void everyday now that I'm losing black velvet to their relationship. They are being consumed by in which I love for them but hate for me. I'll be all alone left to sink or swim once more. Hurting, crying and alone winter really isn't my season. 

daily struggles

I fell in love with two Aires. One that never loved me and theres to much trauma between me and the other that they could never love me. Beautiful souls each of them. Leaving me perfectly heartbroken. 

daily struggles

If you want love, go to therapy. 

daily struggles

All I know is I don't want to feel this way anymore. but the only way I can achieve that is to lose her. I don't know which hurts more. Hurting with her or hurting without her. 

Skittles: why do I like the chaos.

Another therapy assignment. The actually prompt was to write about my feelings for black velvet but this is more comprehensive. 

I was talking about this with Lex. Yes my ex boyfriend Lex. We're really good friends now. I find the chaos and pressure centering. In the madness I find meaning. The chaos exacerbates my problems and reflects the worst in me. If I can figure how to solve this easier lager version I can fix myself.

I'm attracted to the chaos that is black velvet. I know they are unstable. I know they are leaving. I know they are suicidal. I know they only like what unavailable. I know they are self-destructive. I know I can't fix them. That doesn't stop me from wanting to help them, lessen their suffering. I hate to watch people go through something I've already beaten.

 I like the instability and fickle nature. I'll never be board. It's exciting and that's what I'm constantly chasing. Someone interesting enough to hold my attention. Leaving/dying makes them unavailable and God do I just love something I know I can't have. Tell me no and push me away and I'll follow you like the emotionally neglected puppy my mother raised me to be. I'm self destructive too. Because I know going after them will only hurt me. It will leave me broken and crying for months. 

I told black velvet I liked them back in April and they said they weren't interested. Now they are giving me all this attention. It's confusing. Do I accept their advances. Do I do nothing. Do I shut them down. I do still want to sleep with them. But I don't know if I can do that with out really falling for them. 

I want to be close to someone without dating them. I miss the intimacy I had with a friend. We were so close and I really want that again. I  feel like I could foster that with black velvet because I get them. I feel like they get me. What kindred spirits in a sense. Both souls of chaos. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: Wonderful things will unfold before me. My horoscope said the same thing so we will work on bringing this into fruition. 

Skittles: desire mapping friends

Therapist wants me to list qualities I want in a friend. So in no particular order:

1. Loyal

2. Honest

3. Trustworthy

4. Queer

5. POC

6. One shared interested

7. Fulfills a need

8. Makes time for me

9. Reaches out too

10. Interesting

11. Holds my attentions

12. concise in their explainions

13. Concise in their stories

14. Listens to understand

15. Active listening skills

16. Good communication skills

17. Gives me space and time to feel my feelings

18. Unique from my other friends

19. Likes brunch

20. Drinks or smokes weed

21. Parties

22. Snuggly

23. Working on themselves

24. Understand mental illiness

25. Our politics align

26. Respects me

27. Our social beliefs align

28. Listens to a variety of music

29. Understanding of my hetic schedule

30. Invites me out despite my hectic schedule

31. We can talk about our sex life

32. Exposes me to new things

33. Can go long periods without speaking or seeing each other but pick up where we left off

34. Shows up when they say they will 75% of the time

35. Communicates changes in plans at least an hour ahead of time when they need to cancel or change plans

36. Tries to reschedule cancelled plans. 

38. Considerate of my time

39. likes to talk/ text

40. Remembers my birthday

41. Respects my boundaries

42. Challenges me

43. Will point out things I am clearly missing in a situation

44. Communicates directly and straight forward, blunt even

45. Humors me

46. Funny

47. Caring

48. Nice

49. Picks up the vibe like if I break out into song will sing along with me if they know the words

50. Can be silly

51. Hygienic

52. Open minded

53. We have a bond or connection

54. I want to be around them

55. They want to be around me

56. Adventurous

57. I can cry around them

58. They make me feel safe

59. I feel like I can be my whole self around them

60. We can sit in silence together comfortably

61. Organize

62. Android and Google product user

63. Makes the plans some of the time

64. Is equitable about paying when we go out

65. Pays me back when they barrow money

66. Tries to resolve conflict instead of win the fight

67. Respects consent

68. I feel like they understand me

69. Willing to come to me or meet me half way some of the time

70. We can just run errands together.

71. Gives me their undivided attention sometimes

73. Prioritizes our friendship

74. Encourages me.

75. Supportive of my growth

76. I get something I value out of the friendship.

78. They get something they value out of the friendship

79. Transparent

80. Optimistic 

81. Consistent

82. Reasonable

83. Fun

84. I can take them to work events

85. Let's me stay over

86. I can meet people who are important to them

87. Gets along with some of my other friends

88. They can meet my family

89. Holds me accountable 

90. If we go somewhere together will make sure I'm safe with friends before leaving me

91. I trust them

92. Wants the best for me

93. Thinks of me even when we're not together

94. Let's me know they were thinking of me

95.  Reciprocates

96. Has a different lived experience thus different point of view than me

97. Kind

98. Cool

99. Helpful

100. Appreciative and respectful of my good nature, kindness and consideration. 

Skittles: why do I like people who hurt me

*Content warning domestic abuse*

My therapist gave me this promt so I'm going to do my best to write about it. 

I like people who hurt me because I'm trying to be loved and pain is the only love I know. If it doesn't hurt and I don't want to die if I don't have it is it really love? 

My first thought was why am I so unlovable? My mom abused me and my dad let her. My step dad didn't really intervene too much either. All because I was bad. Maybe I was just neglected and needing to be loved. But I'm not unlovable. I am just as worthy of love as anyone else. I am fully capable of being loved. So why doesn't anyone love me? What did I do? What more do I have to do to be loved? I'm trying so hard. People pleasing doesn't work. I tried doing everything my mom ever wanted of me and it was never enough. I tried saving people so they would love me, but Sophia said I was making her uncomfortable. Too much change to fast. Nobody is ever is grateful or thankful for me single handedly saving them. So that doesn't work. I use to compartmentalize and be different people for everyone. But they didn't love me, they loved who I became for them. A perfectly tailored version of me for them. I want to my full self and still be loved and don't know what to do to be loved the way I want. But I would rather be hurt than alone. I don't want to be alone. Suffering with someone is better than being fine alone. 

Side note screw Liv and being dishonest and betraying her. I have no loyalties to  her so I don't care if she gets hurt in the process. She's wrong and toxic so any pain I cause her she brought on herself by being wrong. 

skit: leaving friends that hurt me

I'm to old to be acting this foolish. I know it's wrong but I want it anyway. Nothing good is going to come of this. But I bet I do it anyway. I don't know how to do the hard thing. I don't have the self control to not give into my impulses. I want to learn from my mistake instead of repeating them. I know exactly what I'm doing and how dangerous of a game it is. The problem is I also know I'm good at the game. There are no winners and it all ends in pain but I can have a lot of fun before that comes. The worst part is I don't even know why I am playing. I didn't want to play this game in the beginning. I was adamant that I wasn't going to play. Now look at me. So deep in it. And for what? She'll never change. She'll grow but she will never choose me. She'll never love me. Not the way I deserve. I have a chance to avoid the head on collision but I can't seem to swerve. The timing is all wrong. I deserve the summer. I don't want to hurt for the rest of the year. I've been through pain all winter. Can't I get a reprieve? It's not like doesn't hurt already. I'm just ignoring that pain. But if I open those flood gates there's no going back. My heart will be broken. I will lose my friend. I don't know how I let it get this bad. I want it all. I want my friend without the lectures and pain with the bond we've cultivated. But I think the intimacy I crave will always come at this cost. I am worth the love I give away. I need to find it and stop hurting myself with people I know will never work. I knew I knew I knew. And I did it anyway. I need to let be over. I just can't seem to stop myself. Cuz it's just hurting me. There is nothing here for me and I know this. So why am I still here. Why can't I leave. Why do I run to her when she doesn't want me. I'm going to leave in pieces and it's no one's fault but my own. I'm just procrastinating cutting myself open. Stalling all the way to the execution chamber. What's will come will come there's no stopping it. Just acceptance.

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: my friends do not judge me nor do they influence what I do with my life. This is not true for me. I took a big oof when I read this. I think I spend a lot of time shaping my life around my friend and willingly being influenced by them. I am working on not compromising myself for the people I love. For the love of myself. 

skitt: passion after the flames poem

I didn't love her then but I do now

It hurts all four walls of my heart cave in

I don't want my heart broken again

And I keep avoiding it because I want to be your friend

I'm holding back the tears in my eyes.

Turning everything I say into little white lies

You found me in my pain 

In the sadnesses in the dark

Help me put together the pieces of my heart

Quench my thirst when I was in a drought 

But the passion and the flames have already been put out

There's nowhere to fall cuz I'm already on the ground

We're just friends now no longer fooling around

But my heart aches wines pains and cry's out for you

Something I try to hide in everything I do.

These feelings I keep trying to disavow

I didn't love her then but I do now

skitt: passion after the flames

I had a fling. She told me she loved me so I said it back. But neither of us loved the other. So after a really dramatic month we called it quits. Now we're friends and I'm falling for her. I didn't love her then but I love her now. She has a new girl friend. One that she got 2 days before we broke up. A girl she's crazy about and talks about all the time. She does everything for her. She loves her so much. I didn't hurt then but I definitely hurt now. We see each other almost every other week. We spend our time drinking and getting really high. We talk about our feelings. I helped her get a cat and plants. We do DIY projects. We didn't do this stuff then but we do these things now. It was supposed to be just a good time. Not a long time. It was supposed to be fun. It was supposed to be hot. I didn't cry then but I cry now. My heart is the biggest masochist I've ever met. It's playing a game that is already over. It's falling after I've already hit the ground. It's bleeding after the wounds have been healed. It's passion after the flames have been put out. I didn't love her then but I do now.

 

Daily struggles

Me: I'm sad I'm coming over

Lovely: You live in a different state 3 hours away by plane.

Me: I said what I said. See you soon 💜

Lovely: *eye roll* see you soon.

This is how I randomly end up in NYC 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I trust myself

daily struggles

I just want to scream at them I liked you. I care about you beyond the romantic feelings into something pure, honest, and real. You don't just throw away people like that. To friendship that will never be. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I love and approve of myself.

daily struggles

Birthday edition: I just want to be well liked and wanted. Spending my birthday alone. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I am worthy of love. I just have to figure out how to provide that love for myself vs trying to get it from others. 

random affirmations

I breath in calmness and breathe out nervousness. This is a good one for this weekend because I completely forgot my anti-anxiety meds and I need it this one. 

Skittles: I guess this is moving on

It doesn't hurt anymore. I don't know if the pain of losing Eta Carina is gone for good but it doesn't hurt today. I haven't cried about her in a few days too. I'm not angry or anything. I'm okay. I feel bad for healing. I feel bad for moving on. I still love her but not in a way that hurts me anymore. Every dream I had with her has faded to black but I love her anyway. As friends or as lovers I'll love her either way.