Skittles: 12/21/22

This heart stays broken. I'm a constant state of disarray and in need of repair. So much so I'm beginning to wonder what the joys of love feel like. Because the pain is all I remember and it's all too familiar. The pain has made it's self comfortable in my chest. Taken up residence. Made it's self at home. A home of memories that make me cry and triggers that break me down. 

No one can say I didn't love her. Because if this isn't love why does it hurt me so bad. Makes me so mad at myself for not learning the first fifty 'leven times. From not learning from Amoriartii. For failing the test after spending five years making the same mistake. Iwant to be better. 

But there's only pain where my heart use to be. One that's making it harder to love a women who actually wants me. Pain that is only overshadowed by the loneliness of pinning for someone who can never love me the way that I love them. A heart not yet whole and still very much tattared, disassembled. Yet completely distracted by Black Velvet. Maybe if it were whole and healed we could love someone else. We wouldn't cling to the first floating object that came our way like we were drowning. But I'm all honesty we were sort of drowning. Exhausted from trying to keep our head up. Encompassed in the pain. The hollow that would be the loneliness in my bones filled with my pain. Then came Back Velvet like an island respit in the middle of the dark unforgiving ocean. My heart needs them. Especially now in the cold dark. They help me face the void everyday and not give in. Never mind the fact that they don't love me like that. That does add to the hurt but not more than they help me heal. 

I want to get off this island. I want to go back to land. I'm sick of this never ending ocean. I know that when I am actually tired of hurting it will stop, or at least begin to get better. I'm impatient. I want to be better now. I don't want to want to talk to her. I don't want to want to see her. I'm sick of writing about her. I didn't name her so it will be easier to forget her in the future. But here in the present she's always on my mind like a song I can't shake. Even if I'm not actively thinking about her she still there. I can beat cancer but this is insuperable. This feels like a forever love but I hope I'm wrong. 

All I can do is cling to my island and cry I guess. I feel bad for the women who likes me and I can't be bothered to show up. I wonder how I will face the void everyday now that I'm losing black velvet to their relationship. They are being consumed by in which I love for them but hate for me. I'll be all alone left to sink or swim once more. Hurting, crying and alone winter really isn't my season.