Many times I have tried to capture the bliss in words. Tried
to explain why a simple situation is more than the sum of its parts. This past
weekend is no different. I can say I hadn't seen my friend in weeks and that's
what made my weekend special. But it isn't something so simple and shallow. I
hadn't seen my friends in months. The last time I saw Jerjer was in July. I
missed my freshmen, who are now sophomores, President Ray, Lexi, and Gaysha. I
miss the casual drinking and being able to walk to my friend’s house. I miss
being involved in their life. I traveled back to my old school this weekend. Unannounced,
I planned to spend most of the weekend with my best friend and not have a lot
of people trying to see me. I only told a few people because I wanted to see a
few people. However, I reluctantly accompanied my friend to the resource
center, basically my second home; it was anything but low profile. My friend
was like it will be fine you’re not as popular as you think you are. Our
technical support person was so overjoyed to see me she completely ignored my
friend. Mind you we both went to this school and often visited this center. I
have never been so aggressively hugged by a straight woman. I was warmly
revived by all the people who still love and care about me, miss me terribly,
and feel like there is a hole where I use to be. I saw my good Friend Jerjer
and his roommate Naninani, who I adore. I wasn't going to get to spend time
with them because Jerjer rooms with Gordic.
Gordic and I have a more than rocky relationship. I respect him and his
space and privacy. I have always said the home is where the heart is, and we
make a big fuss about staying out of each other home. I don't want to violate that, because
unfortunately I still care about how he feels. It's really important to me not
to cross this line and destroy whatever it is, because I fought hard for him
not to even know where I lived. I don't want to disrespect him by invading a
space that's free of me. It wouldn't feel the same any more. But any who, he
wasn't there so I got the rare opportunity to go stay the weekend at Jerjer's
place. It was truly a weekend all about me where I got to think only of myself.
I got to expatriate my Jerjer's pumpkin spice infatuation. Nicknamed the apartment
the basic apartment, like I woke up like this... Average! I was in a space with
my good friend who lets me be me without judgment. But there was this new
person Naninani who doesn't know me and who I do not know. Our friendship was
very shallow due to the lack of time we had spent together. But Jer and Nani
had lived together for at least a month now were closer than close. So as much
as I adore Nani I didn't know how to act or feel and it lead to me being very
up tight the first night. So I kinda felt that I was always saying the wrong
thing or doing the wrong thing and that Nani hated me. And as much as this
weekend was about me I am very loving giving person and I just gave to them all
weekend. I made or bought every meal that they ate those two days. And I listen
and tried to relax. I think Nani could kinda see my caution by Saturday and
welcomed me to let go. And I did a little bit at the end. It leads to what was
so magical about the weekend. When we were all just on the floor (you know when
you’re so messed up you just need to lay down) listening to Whitney Houston,
connecting with the music and each other it was surreal. I look at Nani and
said “This was better than anything I could have ever hoped for". I didn't
go out partying and I didn't get wasted, I did nothing noteworthy to talk about
in my 20 something year old circle but I will never forget that weekend. I will
never forget how I felt just to be with them. It makes my body tingle to think
about it. When I took a step back, while I was just laying, there to realize
how profound that moment was its like everything slowed down. Everything was.
Crystal clear to me, this is what life is about for me. These freeze frame, a
moment like this, between the raindrops, moments. They make bonds that will
never be broken. These moments are perfect. These are the moments I try to capture
in a photograph and I only ever get the moments leading up to it and the
moments after. I can never do them justice with words and I can never recreate
them. I can't force it to happen everyone involved has to just allow themselves
to be in the moment or else it won't happen. The feelings in these moments are
like nothing I have words for but I want you to understand. We can't explain it
ourselves but we all agree it happened and we felt the same things. Nani describes
it as for what felt like forever, even though it was over as soon as it began,
the three of us were all alive together. Nothing else existed for a moment.
Then everything existed and we felt the world connect to every fiber of our
being. All at once it was just us again but we could feel the emotions of an each
other’s lifetime. Then it was over and there was just tranquility and
understanding. That's the part I remember and feel most when it was over just
being there. I asked Jerjer is he felt the same his response was “I was on the
couch and Nani was on the floor and you were on the floor but had your feet on
the couch. Then all of that happened and all I could do was come down to be
with you guys. I need to touch you guys; the connection was pulling us in
closer together. I don't even remember moving because I was so overwhelmed with
feelings but I think that's how we ended up in the triangle and everything was
perfect." we were in a cuddle triangle with my head on my friend's stomach
and Nani's head on mine stomach looking up at nothing just existing. Just
simply existing.
I know the title seems to have nothing to do with my weekend with my friends but it does. We spent a lot of our down time playing kingdom hearts, the first one if you care to know. Though it is just a minor detail other than experience itself this is what sticks out in my head. Laying on Nani's bed with the boys, there were three other boys with us at one point on Saturday, playing kingdom hearts. So for those of you who care this is why it is titled that, among other reasons.
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