Dear Gordic,
I have written you quite a few times in our short, all be it turbulent, friendship. I don't even know if you can call our association with each other friendship anymore. I don't think the fact that we are still Facebook friends is enough to justify even a loose use of the word. I am friends with your friends, though no where near as close as you have grown with some of mine. So I see you around and I here about you in their stories, for the most part you seem well. I hope you are well. Your senior year should be smooth and enjoyable. I know we had plans to spend it together. We were suppose to live together this year. We were going to bake, knitt, study, sing, dance, watch TV drama, and complain about boys. I wonder if you remember or if your even sad that it didn't work out quite that way. Your roommates defiantly do all of that stuff, so you should do it with them. But I, for one, am sad it didn't work out. I couldn't stay at that school it was literally killing me. There is no doubt in my mind that if I stayed I would not have lived through the year with the way things were going. I was always deathly ill one way or another. It just breaks my heart that I had to leave everyone because almost everyone wanted me to stay, begged me not to leave, almost everyone asked but you. Thank you for not asking me to stay, because I would have. If you would have asked as my friend for me to stay I would still be there, and I would be okay. It would be hard but with you and the rest of my friends in my corner I would have made it. Life is always better, easier when you have someone who just gets you in your life. You were my first friend in college and, dam it, you saved me that year. and look how I repayed you. I wrote you a long while ago about keeping my secret because it was the best course of action. I wondered if a time would ever come where all the damage I am doing by not talking to you would make the secret itself worthless, that time has come. at such a time I have nothing left worth protecting or to sacrifice. Not telling you I love you has destroyed our friendship the thing I hold most dear. Everyone keeps telling me get over you, move pass it, its over now. Its not over. I may not love you anymore But God do I still care. I wonder how your doing, if your enjoying yourself, what your latest knitting project is, how your sister is doing. I cried to you, I could talk to you, I could look at you and just laugh. We had more fun together actually doing nothing ( not drinking, playing video games, going out) absolutely fucking nothing than I have had doing anything thing else with anyone since I've been there. I would look at you and wonder how is it humanly possible to get along with some this well, feel so comfortable, and they not be up to something. I learned to trust you, more than you trust me, but that fine. haha ( old memories that aren't that old are still funny) I don't make friends like that lightly. I think there is a bond here, and when I form a bond with my friends, come hell or high water we are still friends. I don't just let friendships like this one die. I fight for them. I think that is why I have such a hard time moving on, or letting go, because I don't want to. I have had friends die in my arms, and it has taugt me life is to presious to lose friends over bullshit. I don't make friends easily and, short of something life threataning, I intend to keep the few I make for life. I probabaly should have told you about the forever clause in the fine print, oops. So some way some how, we will be friends again. After I learn to forgive myslef for the horrible things I have done to you and all the pain I have brought to your life maybe I will be able to ask you for your forgiveness. In the mean time I wish you the best.
I have written you quite a few times in our short, all be it turbulent, friendship. I don't even know if you can call our association with each other friendship anymore. I don't think the fact that we are still Facebook friends is enough to justify even a loose use of the word. I am friends with your friends, though no where near as close as you have grown with some of mine. So I see you around and I here about you in their stories, for the most part you seem well. I hope you are well. Your senior year should be smooth and enjoyable. I know we had plans to spend it together. We were suppose to live together this year. We were going to bake, knitt, study, sing, dance, watch TV drama, and complain about boys. I wonder if you remember or if your even sad that it didn't work out quite that way. Your roommates defiantly do all of that stuff, so you should do it with them. But I, for one, am sad it didn't work out. I couldn't stay at that school it was literally killing me. There is no doubt in my mind that if I stayed I would not have lived through the year with the way things were going. I was always deathly ill one way or another. It just breaks my heart that I had to leave everyone because almost everyone wanted me to stay, begged me not to leave, almost everyone asked but you. Thank you for not asking me to stay, because I would have. If you would have asked as my friend for me to stay I would still be there, and I would be okay. It would be hard but with you and the rest of my friends in my corner I would have made it. Life is always better, easier when you have someone who just gets you in your life. You were my first friend in college and, dam it, you saved me that year. and look how I repayed you. I wrote you a long while ago about keeping my secret because it was the best course of action. I wondered if a time would ever come where all the damage I am doing by not talking to you would make the secret itself worthless, that time has come. at such a time I have nothing left worth protecting or to sacrifice. Not telling you I love you has destroyed our friendship the thing I hold most dear. Everyone keeps telling me get over you, move pass it, its over now. Its not over. I may not love you anymore But God do I still care. I wonder how your doing, if your enjoying yourself, what your latest knitting project is, how your sister is doing. I cried to you, I could talk to you, I could look at you and just laugh. We had more fun together actually doing nothing ( not drinking, playing video games, going out) absolutely fucking nothing than I have had doing anything thing else with anyone since I've been there. I would look at you and wonder how is it humanly possible to get along with some this well, feel so comfortable, and they not be up to something. I learned to trust you, more than you trust me, but that fine. haha ( old memories that aren't that old are still funny) I don't make friends like that lightly. I think there is a bond here, and when I form a bond with my friends, come hell or high water we are still friends. I don't just let friendships like this one die. I fight for them. I think that is why I have such a hard time moving on, or letting go, because I don't want to. I have had friends die in my arms, and it has taugt me life is to presious to lose friends over bullshit. I don't make friends easily and, short of something life threataning, I intend to keep the few I make for life. I probabaly should have told you about the forever clause in the fine print, oops. So some way some how, we will be friends again. After I learn to forgive myslef for the horrible things I have done to you and all the pain I have brought to your life maybe I will be able to ask you for your forgiveness. In the mean time I wish you the best.
Joy, Peace, Love, and all that Jazz,
J Skittles
No comments:
Post a Comment