There is a lot of things that I could talk about on here. In my everyday life I experience various level of sexism, gendering, and sexualization of women's bodies ( I find that the way I dress isn't so much to convey a gender identity its to avoid being sexualized) I see blatant acts of homophobia on a regular. Racism in micro aggression that are socially acceptable. I think we have turned a blind eye to thing that are so obviously wrong because society says we can. We don't think its wrong because we don't think about it. I am spending the rest of October questioning every action I do and many of the actions that other people do. For example I was playing fruit ninja in class because I can multitask and there was nothing to take notes on. However, I can look at it now and see how that might come across as rude. I sit in the front row I could at least pretend to be 100% involved in what's going on. I participate don't get me wrong. I listen to what my teacher is saying and engage in the discussion. I would probably get more out of the class is I stayed focused. I also realize that its a respect issue, a personal values issues ( which makes it seems like I am lacking in some), and a cultural values thing. I see it looks like I don't respect my teacher, or I should respect him more. If I valued respecting others I would pay attention. If valued my teacher like Beyonce ( I would never play fruit ninja while Beyonce talked)... However, ( this is a very one sided and biased view) if I valued my teacher like I was a student in a Chinese class room in some racist karate movie I don't think I would been playing fruit ninja. Why don't I have those values? Why am I not that person and is that a good thing or should I strive to incorporate that particular point into my life. As I begin to unpack this very simple thing I do everyday it brings up more question. Why is Beyonce so much more important in my life then my education! She's not but from this example it seems so. I am sure I could find more examples to support the Idea that Beyonce is more important than my degree. Again she's not but if my action say one thing does my ideology, what I say, or what I think matter? If I am acting against my beliefs I must not really believe it right? I know I am blowing things out of proportion and taking things to the extreme but this is how it looks. People aren't privy to our inner most thoughts, logic, and reasoning. They only have a little bit of context to judge us by. As much as I don't care what the world thinks if me I do care what me would think of me. I would think I was lazy and disrespectful. That I wasn't taking my eduction seriously. Which is not at all what is going on in this particular class. I love this class and it shows in all the work I do for it just not in class. Its silly not to work as hard in class if I am working hard out of class. A simply look into a small activity changed my day. Brought attention to what might just be a personal laps in values but I think you will find that in examining everyday stuff we all need a good moral kick in the pants. I think America has sold our principles and systems of values in favor of dollar large ice teas. However this is only day one and I have so much more to question. See if you can spend a day, 6 hours, or even a brief trip out and about question why you acted a certain way, why everyone around you acted a certain way and why everyone's going along with it.
I spent all of this post wanting to write about my feelings. Its fall here, which normally means pretty leaves, spiked cider and BOOTS!!!! ( I love Boots!) But sky is often grey and I feel everything. Maybe its not me feeling everything its more of an interpretation of my surroundings. It feels like melancholy ( why does that word that sound happy, it is not). Which makes it hard to get out of bed. Harder to leave the house. Much harder to be productive. The sky have been full over cast clouds and it has rained almost every night. Its just grey and wet outside. I don't go walking during the day anymore. (Which I use to do at least once a day) It brings me down. But I do like walking at night, the moon looks brighter out here and everything is much quitter. Like Urbana was at U of I. I moved again I keep forgetting to tell you. I hate moving and I haven't settled yet. I refuse to put things away or take everything out of boxes. I don't adapt to big change well if you hadn't noticed. I don't know why? Change is normally one of the things I am best at in every other aspect of my life. I am hoping that this noticing the little things will help me learn more of myself. I finally feel like I kinda know who I am again. I like this person for the most part. I am rather quick to call myself she or her but it doesn't feel right. I feel much more like an it. But it makes people uncomfortable because it seems dehumanizing. I wonder how dehumanizing it would be to look at their life from space then look at the rest of space. Like I said I have a lot of feels today but I can't quite articulate them so I am going to spare you those details until next time.
Stay fierce
J skittles
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