Having a major depressive episode when you have all the things to do. Do none of the things!
This is an unedited blog about my thoughts, my life, and my experiences living it. I leave it unedited so I can actually watch myself grow. It forces me to acknowledge my mistakes and learn from them. Feel free to leave comments
9/30/14
9/21/14
9/20/14
Skitt: breathing
9/18/14
9/14/14
Skitt: misbehaving mistress
In a perfect world my mistresses would all get a long. In an ideal world even if my mistresses didn't get along with each other it wouldn't effect my relationship with them. But this is the real world, and when they fight it eventually makes it way to me. They want me to pick sides, or my support. I won't give it. I don't give a F*** about what they said about you or what they did cuz most of the time they brought it upon themselves and both of them are half right and very wrong. I will love you to piece and support you in every way I can but I will not choose between the two of my mistresses. Don't ask me to do it. It will not end well. Cuz I may love you till the dawn of a new time but I have a hierarchy for a reason. If there is not clear right person and the lower person is like its me or them then I'm not sorry, you can go. Your replaceable. You might be one in a million but I'll have met a million new people by next week. The current fight is between mistress number one and mistress #5. They are both half right. Number one has a bad temper and hates almost everyone so he is always mad. Number five, stripper, did mess up and I am mad at him but he didn't mess up enough to be kicked out. If number one was like he has to go. I would just slap him and say shut up you can settle your dispute with him however you want but he stays. They normally don't get to settle thing their way. Cuz if it got all the way to me and is disrupting my life, I am going to treat them like the children they are. But because Pool boy is number one, higher the totem pole than 5, I will let him decide how to handle it to appease him ( cuz he is more right than stripper, #5, but their both equally wrong). Just don't kill him, cripple him, or cause any permanent damage. If Stripper was like pool boy has to go I would be like you started it and I am not picking side so he is staying. If stripper insisted I would be like don't push me cuz I could kick you out just as easy. Think about how you want this to proceed and get back to me, I like you so hope you make the logical decision. I like both dudes and I hope they are able to end this with out me losing one of my long time friends or worse me having to slap a bitch.
9/12/14
Daily struggles
When you're in the middle of 3 legitimate post and all you want to do is wine. Pass the cheese please
9/10/14
Skit: chicken or the egg part 2
9/9/14
Skittles: Hanging on and letting go
9/8/14
Skit: for the love of Football
Ray Ric was cut from Baltimore and suspended from the NFL today for knocking his fiancé out in an elevator in February. I don't want to debate whether or not the NFL knew about the tape or if they seem to switch songs now that this tape has come to the masses, that is not the point. He was fired for punching his fiancé's lights out. The lady married him a couple months later. My question is does he deserved to be punished if the victim obviously doesn't care. She didn't prosecute, she dropped the charges. She lied to cover it up. She married him. She doesn't want help. She doesn't want justice. She doesn't feel that a crime has been committed, no wrong to right. So should we stuff out like this to defend someone who doesn't want to be defended. If it was different if she wanted to sue or even say he needed help, then maybe. But this video should have been release and then it should have been Mrs. And Mr. Rice up there talking about how they have worked on this issue through counseling and how they are continuing to work on this issue now that they are married. How she loves her husband and how they are doing better than ever now. I think he should have been suspended but not cut is she isn't even going to speak out against him. I like that we are taking a stand against domestic violence though. I feel we have been very wishy washy about women's rights this year. The stand that NFL took not only on the behalf of Mrs. Rice, who didn't want it (but hey its the thought that count), but on how they deal with domestic violence is admirable. I believe that they set a precedence, companies follow the lead of others. I am interested to see what that means for the future, for the every day man out there who beats his wife.
9/7/14
Skitt: I want to be over it
9/6/14
9/5/14
Skittles: If Poe had a Chandelier...
Is it the social butterflies that end up like this? I thought we were suppose to OD on the high of our lives. Every week, every night, its a party with me. People want me to come out or come with me. Don't feel just dance. Let the music move you, let the alcohol flow in your veins. We aren't living for tomorrow, a day that never comes. Party like the sun is never going to rise again. Then walk home home in the warm after glow know you live yo see another night. And the sun beat you home. Don't know the meaning of rise and shine. Sleep all day, shower, eat, party, repeat. Living dangerously or stupidly, its a fine line that became too blurry to make out 3 drinks ago. Flirting with line, hoping the world makes the choice for you. Part of you is too smart to let go. Its still here, fighting for every breath, landing every step. It won't let you give up. Its that last little shred hanging on by moment. Its living for something you have long forgotten. But it remembers and it knows. Some part of you knows and it makes you sick to your stomach, every waking moment not spent pushing it down. You can run but when you pause to gasp for air all you get is a lungs full of smog and poison. Can't even see the person you use to be in the mirror anymore. It might be the dirt and the grime or the shroud of shame. Everything in left in your wake show the remnants of a good time. The mess of the dysfunction is to much to bare and the future has no light at the end of tunnel. Living for the moment, drinking for the moment, dancing for the moment. you look up at the lights so peaceful yet full of life and you want that. You want to be there. There is no tomorrow, and we can't bare the pain of yesterday. There is just now and those lights. Swing from the Chandelier, and live like never before. Ride the lights and feel the life in you. Climb, climb, climb. Don't look down, don't look back, there is nothing for you there. Fly free, cry out, and release it all to the night. Let the raven take you home tonight, swing from the chandelier. Exhale, Inhale, and a hard swallow. One more night. Not tonight. Pour me another. The room is spinning and its hard to tell if your losing or winning but I haven't lost yet. Its Hanging on for the moment so, fill my glass and pray tomorrow never comes.
Daily struggles
When blogger deletes your post was that was at least a page :( I am not writing it over.
Skittles: Animals.
I can run away from you. I cut you out of my life and left. I moved on and you say you did the same. But if that's true why are we here? Why can't we walk away? Are we drawn together? Or is is Instinct? Your an addiction I can't seem to shake. Or is a nature I can't suppress? All the fight all the running, you've stripped me down, trying to get away from you. Run free. Let your spirit fly we both know where that leads. We'll keep starting over. There has to be more fish in the sea. But I seem to only have a taste for you. I can still hear you. The ghost of your voice echoes out from every part of my life. You haunt my dreams. Even when we are miles a part I can feel you. I close my eyes and I I can see and electric pulsing path that leads me back to you. It wines, twist, and turns, no matter the distances I am racing back to you. Its primal, like a wolf running in the forest, I can feel the wind rushing past my face. The dirt under my feet, the sweat dripping down my face. So close now I can smell you and it drives me wild. We don't even talk anymore, but I can't stay away. We can fuss and fight but we'll still be here. Because you'll never find anyone quite like me and there is only one of you. There is no where on this earth we can hide. The drive to hunt is carnal. We are just like animals.
9/4/14
Skit: being depressed and in love, a review
I read an article about what its like for someone to be depressed and in love. I actually read a lot if articles on the subject. One thing I find that come up a lot is the irrational fear that their depression is one day going to push their partner of 5 years, 8 years, or 10 plus years away. I know its not rational, and to ask them to feel rationally about it is unfair. I just don't know what to say to that. They have been with you this long through the ugliest of times why would they leave now? But that's a rational thought. I am thankful my depression isn't like that. In the relationship I am completely confident and secure. Why would they leave me I'm awesome? I don't have fits of crying. I don't really cry at all. I should probably cry more. But in my readings depressed people cry for no reason or reasons that don't make sense to them. My depression isn't like that at all. They also have times where they and their partner made plans in advance and when the time comes to carry out those plans its on one of their bad days. So they don't do whatever they were suppose to effectively canceling. I don't cancel unless I'm sick and dying or it wasn't that important. I pull it together. Someone is counting on me. I might be late but I'll be there. My depression doesn't really affect my relationships outside my irritability. I have mood swings, but I try not to take my feelings out on the other person. It's not their fault and normally the reason for whatever I am feeling is irrational anyway. That, however, leads to feelings of distance, because I'm constantly pulling away. Unless my partner is really empathic they wouldn't know what I was feeling and I wouldn't tell them. Most of the people I like are empathic and can sense my emotions. They already know and understand and that helps a lot because normally don't feel like talking about it. I don't want the entire relationship to be about the fact that I am depressed. I am depressed and I love and for the most part no one would know unless I told them. I act just like everyone else, but the love does effect my depression. I get so high of of the feeling of being in love that it basically cures me. Everything seems easier, lighter, and more like the way my life use to be. Eventually it just goes away. Depression is strange and is different for everyone. However it does seem like there is kind of a norm out there of what depression looks like and it is not the same as the common stereotype. Love is kinda similar hopefully not in a debilitating way and its strange and different for everyone. I would hope that people out there who read articles like this and the ones I've come across realizes this. You have your own depression so how you love or will be loved might be different. That is completely okay. We don't here its okay to be different enough so let me say it if your depression love isn't like mine but it works for you then your still doing it right.
Stay fierce
J Skittles
9/3/14
Daily struggles
Not being a pole dancer when I am wait at the bus stop and my favorite song comes on.
Daily struggles
Don't know whether to call it a science experiment or insanity. If its an experiment it sure is hell isn't ethical. But I would rather be unethical than crazy.