Skittles: Hanging on and letting go

You know that moment where everything is in slow motion in movies. You can see every instant before the crash, every tear she cried on her way down, drop of blood being bled. There is an odd feeling of serenity about the whole thing. The cliche the quite before the storm, its a lie. From the outside there is a peace about the impending doom. But inside even as I seem to move in slow motion, every moment is a lifetime and it is still not enough. It is still too fast. My mind races so fast I struggle to keep up with it. I can feel myself gasping for air knowing that's its too late. In a short life time they will be filled with water. Every fabric in my being tenses in anticipation of the coming moments. Every tear she cried, all the blood shed. How did it get to this? How did I end up here? All I can think about is the past since I have the rare opportunity of knowing what my future holds. A year ago our place were reversed. Six month ago I got her to put the knife down and walk away. It takes so much to feel that much anger, the sadness and the pain and be able to still be able to put the knife down. To spare a life. Then never to go back to that lifestyle, to say this isn't me anymore. I was with her. To help her forgive. To learn to deal with the feeling. Every fucking tear she cried I was there to wipe it. Make her feel whole again. I was her rock. All the while I saw secretly bleeding. Crying out in the middle of the night so loud no one could hear me. I remember every drop like it was yesterday. So much shed I could fill this pool. I use to look over this pool and picture what it would be like to just let go and fall one day. I drawn so many pictures of it. The water so dark and calm it seems to draw in anyone who looks at it. The burning lilies on surface, living a wild fleeting life. The passions of the fire soon consume their beauty only leaving smoke and the lingering scent of something wonderful gone too soon. Just like in the movies. Every moment is a life time but it still isn't enough time. Its strangely relaxing to think about how there wasn't enough time for me, and yet there is so much of it. There will always be more time until there isn't any more. That last second is gone so fast. I hit the water. I can see the burning lilies under water and is even more beautiful down here than it is above. Truly a sight to die for.  In my all white, I've stopped time, I've dried tears, I've stop the blood from spilling. I hope they understand. And forgive me for what I've done, I wish it didn't hurt. I didn't do it to hurt them I just couldn't hang on any longer. In my all white I let go and it was beautiful