skit: clossing a chapter and finishing a book

So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be part of your life. No matter how much I want it, or what I would do for it, or how freaking awesome I am it's not happening. Fine. I am starting to see that I have outgrown my usefulness to you and that we were never meant to be a forever type of friendship . I was just a brief passing moment and now our moment is over. The smoke from the flame has long since dissipated in the air, and the scent from candle wax it melted has faded. Nothing but a memory, a line of $2.68 on the bank statement, the only proof of something that is now the past. All I have are these PHOTOGRAPHS < clicks. And  they are not even of the most important times that I spent with you. i don't have a single photo of your arm around me. Or my arm around you. I don't have a photo of us in Chem lecture sipping cocoa not one of us actually learning. I don't have one of us laughing. I don't have you laughing. I don't have the face you make when are you drawing molecules in the air. Or the times I would just make faces at you when we were doing homework. Or any of us just chillin' in your apartment. And I suppose most of this is my fault I have the camera and I made things weird. And I was the one who got mad. I guess I am still mad.... cuz it hurts..... It feels like I'm dying and you could save me but you just walked away. I guess I walked away too. I guess I walked away first. But it was really hard for me. It is still really hard for me. When this all started, when I looked up and realized I had already fallen madly in love with you I couldn't deal with it. I wanted to be friends and that's it. I still just want to be friends. But..... I..... I  love you. So for me its how do you be in love with your best friend. The one person I need more anyone else on this campus. I can talk to you and feel safe. You take me for who I am and that's impossible for me to find. i need that. So being in love with you always came second, third sometimes. The most important thing to me was being your friend. Being a good friend. But like I said I was in love with you so sometimes things got complicated because of how I felt. So I withdrew because I didn't want to tell you how I felt because I didn't want to feel that way about you. I am afraid that loving you will destroy the friendship I had with you. Not that not telling you I am in love with you hasn't basically done that. But I was afraid that you wouldn't like me back and me liking you would be too weird for you and you would push me away. Like I did to you because being in love with you was too weird. Or worse than that you would like me back and then we would date and then I would fuck it up. Then you would never forgive me and now I am really in deep and i lost my best friend. I would never recover, I would never forgive myself for the pain I caused you. Not to say I haven't caused you any pain already cuz have been quite a bitch as of late and you seem to have forgiven me. ( I don't know why). It just didn't work out in my head. And now it's not working out in real life. So I am sorry I have overstayed my welcome . I will pack my stuff and go. ( It's just not fair that you can evict me from your life like its nothing yet you won't vacate the space you occupy in my heart) :( sucks just saying 

Skitt: letters to my Univeristy

Chancellor Phyllis M. Wise,

         Talk is fine but action is better. A good way to really show that the University really wants to support Inclusive Illinois and a diverse student body is to address some very important issues. Important issues could be anything from current movements on campus to making everyday actions such as going to the restroom more inclusive. Did you know that the Materials Science and Engineering Building does not have a women's restroom on the first floor. It has men's restroom on every floor but if you are female identifying you have to go upstairs to the second floor and then wander through a maze before being able to go to the restroom. All of that trouble just to go to the bathroom seems unreasonable to me. Now what if I was a Genderqueer student, gender non conforming, or something else that doesn't fit nicely into U of I's gender binary system where would I have to go for the closest gender neutral bathroom?  Lucky for me I am so close to the Main Quad and the Illini Union's family restroom. I  have to go all the way across the street and down half a block in the middle of my lecture because that is the closest gender neutral bathrooms, which for many students of this specific gender demographic is the only type of bathroom they feel safe enough to use. Why are male identifying students the only one's that have the luxury of conveniently placed bathrooms all over campus?  That does not sound like the Campus takes " equal access" seriously  or that it "is our standard practice".

okay so when i searched genderqueer i got this. and i would like to say that the genderqueer community if this is your actual mascot has the cutest most fierce mascot of all  

Cryptic love letters with really obvious titles

Dearest Godric,      
         Sometimes it’s easier to write an email than to say it to you out loud. I swear I have been screaming these words from the highest mountain but now I can't seem to get my tongue to form the sounds. I am sorry I have been such an ass. I have been mean to you since mid second semester. If it wasn't playfully throwing shade, I was avoiding you. And for that I am sorry. Just because I felt hurt and betrayed does not justify treating you poorly. You also didn't do anything to warrant me to feel hurt or betrayed. Or at least you don't know you did. Even through I know my feelings are invalid I still feel them and they tend to wreak havoc. I am also sorry I haven't allowed you to come visit me at home. Home is where there heart is and I have some sorting out to do first. By no means does this mean I am trying to kick you out of my heart and out of my life. I actually look at it like trying to save you and keep you in my life. I know you know I have been acting strange and I am almost positive you have ideas about why. I don't know whether I want to confirm or deny your suspicions. I don't even know if I want to know what you think. Talking about it, whatever it is, makes it real; Means I’m not crazy and that it exists. I don't know if I want that, if I’m ready for it to be real, if I am ready for things to change. even by talking things change. I want things to stay the same, I have been fighting that change for so long.  Protecting something very important and special. I've been putting it above everything my own well being  my wants, desires, and feelings. I have been being the non-bias indifferent good person I know I should be. Almost everything I have done has been in earnest. I will not leave you guessing about what is that I have done for my own selfishness. You asked me to hold the ring for you and I did. But I wore it and I loved it and it was only because I was upset that I gave it back. I fancied keeping it. I was going to buy a chain to keep it on and wear it all summer. It was going to be enough. I couldn't have wanted for more. I didn't want for more. But then out of anger I gave it back it. And again out of anger I tried to shut you out. But how could I stay angry if part of me is discontent at a lost.  I found myself upset again. I refuse to see-saw back and forth between anger and sadness only to achieve balance when you are there. It’s an unraveling sort of state to be in.  The madness of my life must stop.  I want nothing more than for it to stop. But it continues even now you see how I could want for nothing more than to have the ring but also want for an end to the madness they are opposites of the see-saw. The balance remains the same, where the see-saw only favors an end when you’re missing. I need to talk to you to appease the see-saw but I can't tell you without sacrificing what’s most important.  So far not telling has been the lesser of two evils but not ideal because I fear that there will come a time that neither outweighs the other. Where not tell is just as detrimental to my precious as giving in to my own personal gain of stopping the madness. If such a time ever arises I wonder will I still have something worth protecting or to sacrifice. Will it at that point even be worth saving? Knowing that time is against me just adds to my anxieties. This just makes me act shittier towards you. Again I do not mean it, and I am sorry. I truly do not harbor any resent meant for you. I am trying very hard to be less bitter. There really isn't anything you can do to help. I just have to get myself in order. I ask that you be patient with me while do this. It’s a balancing act you know, much like life. Where you balance what you responsibilities and your fun, work and play. Love and friends, Balance is the key.

Promised,

J Skittles

A dozen rainbow roses sent to late

post i should have posted a long time ago (1 of 2)

I know I haven’t blogged in a while honestly it has been a very hard first year but hopefully I will find time to tell you about that later. But that’s not what urges me to write today. Despite all the other thing I really should be doing: P L.  You all know what happened in California and with DOMA . Right now I would like to put all the Queer stuff and just say this isn't a gay thing this is a human thing. Now the scientist  are still out on whether or not we choose to be gay, if we are all a little gay, if we are born this way, or whatever.  I really don’t care. We have been here when it came to race, gender, disability, and class. Are we really too stupid to see how this should end. Will we ever get to a time where we won’t judge people on thing that are out of our control? We should hold people accountable for things that are out of their hands. Trust me nobody asked The Flying Spaghetti Monster to have blind children.  Nobody went to the temple of the Little Tea Pot orbiting Mars to be Hutu in an all Tutsi area.  I mean I don’t think the Pope gets a lot of request for autistic children. Ask people who can’t convince and want a child if they care if it is a boy, girl, Zi, they just want a healthy human baby. I just want to know when we will evolve to a point were other people’s opinion of things we can’t control won’t matter to us.  I can’t help that I am black, that I am female, and that I have ADHD. Just like I can’t help that I have asthma and can’t eat oranges or get stung by bees.  I can’t help that I was born with 10 toes and 10 fingers.  Now I can change things about myself, like get a tat across my head, or cut off a finger doing something stupid and fell free to judge me for it I deserve it (I don’t care but you can). I have broken both of my big toes twice so far and people call me stupid or ask me how many times do I have to touch fire to know it’s hot. But I don’t care because I broke my toes swimming and diving doing something I love. I would brake them many more time before I stop swimming or diving. When I was 8 all my hair fell out and kids called me ugly for weeks. My hair fell out because I wanted to be grown up and get a perm so I did. But my mom told me I couldn't have one so I didn't tell her after I got it. What I didn't know at the time was that you have to take care of a perm and if you don’t well, you look balder than Saint Baldric. Yeah I was sad and I wish I didn't do it, but I will never do it again because of all the shame I felt by being shamed publicly. We can’t get rid of public shaming because some people like me need that humiliation to learn life lessons. But I can’t tell you the frustration  and the sadness that plagues my heart every day because I can’t spell ( I also have a learning disparity that affects my reading witting and processing). Everyone makes fun of me for it. Little do they know I could want to win the national spelling try really hard but still misspell rain. (thank god for Microsoft auto correct) my brain puts thing in the wrong order but reads it as right anyway like skittles I always write sikittels  but the only reason i know it is wrong is because of the little red line under my seeming right word. I can’t help it. So far there isn't a cure and if one came out tomorrow I couldn't afforded because I am working class (poor) now I can change what class I am in after time and hard work. But children don’t deserve to be judge for what class they are born into they should be afforded the same as the rich kids if they are just as smart and have the same drive. IF THE CHILD NOT THEIR PARENTS HAVE THE DRIVE.  I have always love to learn but hated that the teachers hated me because I read slow. I hate reading out loud to this day for that reason. I only read out loud to baby’s or myself. I refuse any other time. the point is why can't we be judge on things we control and not predispositions? 

Think about it 
J Skittles 

Skit: I wish I was asexual

que the mellow dramatic song 

it was almost thrift shop but i decide that would fit with something else later so you go this.
I can't even right now cuz I have about a billion million other things I should be doing but all I can think about is him. Can someone please shoot me now. I have never wanted or needed to love until now and it seems like my body is aching for it like a crack addict for another hit. I like you like sweet tooth likes a candy store. I need you like fish need water and I love you like senators love prostitutes.  Fuck making my heart skip a beat you send me into cardiac arrest. Your asphyxiating. I get dizzy and can't stand straight and forget about being coherent, I will be lucky if I manage to say something that sounds remotely like english. So basicly you make look like I am having a stroke. I hope you're happy. I can't stop fidgeting with my fingers now either ever since you let me borrow that ring. You have effectively made my life  more insufferable than if I was being horribly oppressed for every one of my minorities identities (all 6 identities). Just to let you know this isn't my doing at all. I would be perfectly happy being alone, on my own (not liking or fancying anyone)  but no, you had to go and be all wonderful, nice, sweet, caring, slightly derpy but in good way, funny, smart, nerdy, understanding, like the same things I like, make connection, get along with all my friends, and emotionally supportive. You didn't stop there NO! cuz then I might resist. You had to take it to the next level and be extremely good looking toooo!!! I just want you to know if I wasn't completely out of my mind (and was not cocoa bananas over you) this would be me-> I COMPLETELY HATE YOUR GUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but no matter. I will not fall victim to your entrancing eyes and your devastating smile any more than I already have. I will do my best for my own sanity to fight it. this means war!  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I promise I will be a better blogger soon

stay frosty
Jskittles. 

skittles regrets

funny i'm the broken one but you're the only one that needs saving

I just wish he would stop pushing me away. you don't have to trust me ( I already know that's too much to ask of you),  you don't have to like me or care about me like I care about you, we don't even have to talk, just let me stay. DAM IT just let me be there for you. That’s all I want.  You don't know you need somebody. And if you do you're too proud and too scared to admit it. But I know and I am the only one here. So I guess I will have to do. Let me stay stop pushing me away. It hurts. 

                                                  Oh and by the way there are many thing I can look for in your eyes, your soul, feelings, you. But tonight all I was looking for was the truth. Did you mean what you said? Did you mean any of it? And I mean it’s not for me because it’s not about me. But I still need to know was any of it true. Because it’s about you so are you even telling you the truth?

                I know I let you in, and now you’re too close. This is my entire fault my feelings are a product of my own actions and choices. I know better than to let you in before you let me in. but I just can't shut you out. But I guess I will have to learn before I go and get hurt so I need to stop. (Just the thought alone hurts) so this is kinda about me but most of it is about you. Cuz even though it’s faint, I can feel you. I feel your pain. (I know you think I am crazy but unlike some people I am not lying at least not to you) the song is for you. 

-J skittles

skitt: when a women loves a person

it isn't bad enough that i need you in ways a can't explain and that other people can't understand. it is dam near disgraceful how much i trust you. you already know you know way to much. our friendship just isn't something quantitatively comprehensible. the system in which the two of us do more than co-exist, we help facilitate the others existence contains many other complex moving systems and parts. up to this point it has been a purely platonic relationship and could argue that it could stay that way as our relationship continues to progress and grow. but we are both to sexual for that. i mean when you put two highly sexual people in the same room.... together....... alone.......i am just surprised at our particular out come because it seems highly atypical that's all. i mean we have been best friends for a very short time because we haven't known each other for that long. but that doesn't seem to make us any less than best friends. we still have way to much fun with the simplest things than should be humanly possible. you still can't wait to tell me things and i diffidently can't wait to tell you. (they are the only one of my friends i have shared my blog with) 

**************************************side note************************************

for those of you how aren't my best friend and are going to wonder why would you right this if they can read it. well one they are my best friend i already had a talk with them before i made this view able this is just all my before thoughts that may or may not be fallowed by after thoughts depending when or if i actually tell my best friend or not. two they probably knew before i said something or before i even finished writing this. see the problem is no matter how i try to hide or conceal they can read me like and open book. thus most of the time there is no point in trying to hide things from them. third and this is more for them than you guys the feels that i now realize i feel are eating me alive. like i can't just be content anymore. i want to be with them if i can. if i can't cool but if i could or should be with you i won't be happy doing anything else. as you can see i should be doing math homework but i am writing this cuz i am so distracted. GRAHHHHH!!!!!!!!

***********************************************************************************************

we are best friends who happen to be really attached to one another. i am almost angry that i have come to the realization that i love you. because what was simple and true is now much more involved and complex  not to say it wasn't already but it wasn't to us. to other people our relationship is strange but what do we care cuz it works for us. but now idk if it will still work. because the reason why it worked is there was an open dialogue between us. no secretes. we didn't keep things from each other. we would tell everything if given the time to come to terms. but i can't come to terms with loving them. loving them just isn't something i should do.  its not something that should be happening. and i can't tell them about it. and i dam sure can't tell anyone else. i think this would be the one thing we would dance around. but they have to know, and they have to know that i know they know. but i really want to know is have they realized as well. i guess if i have to ask the answer is no. i don't know if they'll ever know the clarity of thing that i do.  to one day be able to wake up look back on their life and look at where they are now and go i am in love with her. but i don't know if i want them to realize or not. because its hard. its really hard loving them and trying not too ......

Skit: I'm back

Let me start off by saying i am super sorry that I was gone for so long with out reason. i didn't even leave a note saying i was going to be gone. I apologize. i also didn't realize i left with leaving a bad taste in your mouth. i just realized what the post before this one was and i was like oops. i should have done a fallow up about that especially since it doesn't have a notes section or a title and is written in red. i am really really truly sorry. But i have good reason ( and bad reason) for being gone so long all of which i will share with all of you. but not right now because i still have a million and one things to do. do you remember those lazy Sundays or lazy any day of the week i use to have where i could sit and write those don't exist anymore. I mean they do but they are few and far between so if i do post they will deferentially be shorter. unless i go off on some long tangent and loose track of time and my train of thought.but i do have thought and explanations and several post to write for all of you. plus 2 or 3 holidays to make up for. will do arbitrary holiday make up post. I have a day planned in the near future will sit down and write out several post so that should take us through march. but we might not have any more post for February . its a short month anyway. with all of that said i do have a song for you through , check this out. i love these Queens so much i laughed so hard at this video and its super catchy. oh it is not appropriate for young young child people so watch where you watch this.

STAY FIERCE until i return again 

Another one for Day

And I love you so much it hurts. Did you know that? That I’m dying when I’m not with you and the only thing keeping me from falling off the brink of death is knowing that one day I will make my way back to you. You keep me alive. Yeah the world would keep turning and my lungs would keep rising and falling if you didn't love me. But my heart would refuse to beat. My love for you runs through my arteries and feeds my body and my soul. I would give you all of me and then some. You would don't even have to ask. I would face 1000 suns and years of darkness. I have gone to hell and back again and again for. How do you not know I love you? I have the scars from loving you. My body can tell you the story of how I have gone the distance just for you.  I would say I would give you my life if you didn't already have it a thousand times over it. What more can I do.  Do you want my heart in your hands cuz you can have it. its brought me nothing but pain and misery. But you will have to put it back together from the last time you broke it into a million pieces. I have tried but I have put the fragments back together too many time that I have forgotten where the pieces even go to shape a heart.

and i am staring in your cold black eyes expecting to see something different. you know that's the definition of insanity. doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  i keep thinking one day i will look into them and you will have a soul. i think i might look into them and maybe i will find something human behind your cold exterior. but no its always the same. cold, frigid even.  uncaring and indifferent about the world that they take in. did your eyes ever shine. did they ever glisten with wonder and excitement about the unknown journey head. or where you born dead. sent here to plague the living and taunt us about our emotional weakness. you suck the soul right out of me. draining me of my life source. from my eyes to yours. and even after you have consumed every part of me but my flesh your eyes are still blacker then a starless sky, and just as empty.  i stare into a soulless being's eyes with tears in my own, for emptiness possesses me.

and i have giving you everything so there's nothing left for me. i am almost ashamed of how much i love you. i know  that love makes you do crazy things but dam. i never thought i would be here with nothing. loving you comes with one of the highest prices i have ever paid. i have loved you and all i have to show for it is my shame. i have given you all my love and all i got in return was pain. there are nothing but scars and open wounds from where my heart should be. from where you stole it from me. ripping it out of my chest. but my damnable body refuse to die. no, dying on you would be to easy. i have invested too much to not get some kind of return. and on my word, the only thing i have left, i won't leave until you tell me you love me. i need to know you love me. and even through i know deep down you don't love me and never will, still tell me you love me anyway. let me love you and tell me you love me. so for a moment i can imagine i have you all to myself. i want to believe even if it is just for a second that i have you all to myself. like you have had me all these years. and you don't even love me.

and before i sell my soul to the devil. before its signed in blood. before blade marks me for death. just tell me you love me. 

Random skitt: CPS

When I started this blog I said I was going to do more of these random skit things. I liked how I could incorporated the concepts I had for my real blog into the ones I did for school. Obviously the ones I did for school where edited, spell checked, and proof read many times before submissions. Whereas this blog is as unedited as possible. I was blessed to have teacher to let me run with my imagination and creativity. I had an environment that cultivated that. I was and am academically privileged. And like all privileged people we like to take one day out of the year where we go out and help people who aren't. Mostly for recognition of course but we help. So even though I didn't live you’re normally CPS up bringing I did get to see some of it. When important people come how the school puts on a front for the people. They put their best foot forward. So I didn't even get to see a normal day I got to see their best and it was still dismal. So I can say even after all the marching and the picketing is over the problem isn't resolved just because the strike is over doesn't mean the problems are solved. I came home to my city to find that education is being privatized. I for one have always believed in a quality free education. One where you could at least survive in this world on your own without a college degree. But you can't even mop a floor without an associates'.  What is that saying about our education system ? The city can't close down neighborhood school to make way for more charter schools or private schools. Not all kids are charter material. There is a reason for the hierarchy system we have. Yes, all people are created equal and no man is better than another when judge as whole. But this is about isn't about the whole person. This is about academia. And in that particular filed you are dam sure there are people who are better than others. We need neighborhood schools so that neighborhood type kids can still get an education. We need a hand full of charter school for the handful of charter kids. We need technical schools for those kids who know they want technical skills. We need specific subject academies for kids like me who excel in particular subject but not others. so I need more of a challenged in the ones I’m good at and I need to be taught the ones I’m not good in. we need college preps for your ivy league bound kids. They are going to need to know certain things before they go that the rest of us don't need. Tearing the system and making it private won't fix things. Given the fact that the system could work if fixed. Privatizing education will do nothing more than cripple us academically beyond repair. The fact that money already has to do with where you live is already bad enough. Because not all neighborhood schools are created equally. The ones on the north east side are much better than the ones in the west side of the city. Why because the rich live in the north east and the poor live to the west. Money is already deciding what type of “free" education your child gets. Privatizing education would just be a stupid blindly taken step off the educational cliff of no return. Not that it would be a far fall from where we stand right now. I mean some off the text books are older than me. Hell so are most of the computers and programs. A good education requires all the necessary resources. I had an observatory in my high school just saying. Meaningful filed trips up to date material and books. Relatively new technology. All these things would help. Stop blaming the teachers there are more players involved here and maybe you should look at the bigger picture before you close a perfectly good school. I just think the only reason why they are so gun ho with the wrecking ball because boys like their toys and it’s cheaper than investing in a future the mayor will never see. His kids are in private school because he can afford it. 

Skit: Ringing it in

So i know for the new year people make resolutions.  but i don't think i have any. i do normally make resolutions but i can't think of anything. I love like there is no tomorrow but i still take the time to think about my decisions. i play just as hard as i work. i have achieve a balance in my life that i love and that's fits me.  if anything i want if to martian the life i have or keep getting better. i am not saying my life is perfect or with out places for improvement. i am just saying that i could be much worse. i will think about making resolution and i will only make one if its; 1 making my life better and 2 feasible. you should try to make your resolution according to these rules too . Happy New Year To YOU ALL.  I am really thankful to be bring in the new year with all of you. I hope we have another great year together.
Stay fierce yo

Ps. is it strange to anyone else to start the new year on a Tuesday?????? just wondering