Queer time travel

When you come out it is a big deal. It’s you being comfortable not only with yourself but trust somebody else enough to let them be part of your life of self-discovery. However after you come out many questions tend to come up. My favorite is how long have you know you were gay. See that's the problem. As I look back on my life I realized I probably been gay for a while. Looking at the Facebook pics of how my friends turned out, ( we were grade school friends growing up but then we went to different high schools but I am still friends with some of them on face book) I had some pretty queer ass friends. They aren't gay but you know how we are crazy fun and a little weird but in a good way, they are like that. I also had some major feelings for girls I just dismissed them because that's not what I was use to. Also, I lived in a really gay hating town. I mean I still do but how I can live in places at once is to be discuses another day maybe if I feel like it. So I really didn't want to venture into this unknown territory because I was so sure of everything else in my life. I look back and I was always chillin' with the guys, talking about girls. I even got accused of being gay and beat that girl up (which made me look like and even bigger dike cause I hit like a man lol). I think I even kissed a few girls (spin the bottle). All the signs were there like the stars were aligned and I just didn't want to peek out the wardrobe and see. (No, I wasn't in a closet I was in a wardrobe in freakin' Narnia). It took some pretty drastic measures to get me to kind check it out. I changed schools, spent more time in the city, and took a summer high school class but I was still wardrobe. I was more pushed out than anything else now that I think about it. I would probably still be straight if I had never been sent to the office to get some paper. If the office secretary hadn't been on lunch. If I had never met Kimmy. I think about how my sister wanted me to stay home with her because she didn't trust Kimmy. But I decided to go anyway. And man was it worth it cuz when she kissed me, on that platform right as the train was coming, it was like a movie. It was like the wind that the train created just breathed a life into me that I had never known. And the electricity from her lips just jump started my heart and gave me a new better life that I wanted to live. I was dead till then. If I had known such a feeling from the get go I probably would be a lesbian. But I have been taught to be straight and it is really hard for me to let go of that and be myself. Because it seems like what I have been taught and what I really am have blend and became who I really am. 

The dance was great!!!! But we will start from the beginning of the day yeah sign making. it actually turned out to be banner making more than sign making we did it outside with spray paint so it was super messy. We were on this patio like thing that was on the second floor of some random building. So it had a covered-ish area but also had uncovered area too. I had to paint some stuff blue and as a result, I got blue feet. Like legit blue the bottoms and the tops through the bottoms where worse than the tops. The tops where blue with glitter so they looked nicer. We had a spray paint fight and because none of us wore mask (we refused) we ended up huffing a lot of paint. One of the girls, the pretty one, got really loopy it was kinda funny and cute. We had a spray paint fight and that's when we realized that this stuff isn't easily removed. You have to use like lighter fluid and shit and the paint got all over my shoes so had to get it off those too. (Now I am afraid my shoe will randomly burst in to flames cuz they been doused in lighter fluid) It didn't rain at all which was super cool. So instead of freaking out about my hair I spent 30 mins I didn't have removing paint from my feet. Then proceed to panic like a chicken with its head cut off till I had to leave. I was late to the dance but it was cool cuz the pretty girl was even later. The dance was a lot of fun cuz one of my friends Boss was off her meds (I never take mine) so it was pretty epic

this is what happens when i have days off and i get really bored. it took me like an hour to do that lol i hope i didn't mess up cuz i am not fixing it. oh you guys are like two week behind my life cuz i write things like weeks earlier. so by the time you read this DOS and NON will have already happened. but me writing this it hasn't so i will have to tell you guys how that went for me eventually.  Stay Fierce leave me comments. 

DOS y NON

Hola! Happy Day of Silence. I know some people feel like this day is pointless saying if we are quite we let them win. That's not true at all i know this sounds stupid but silence is the loudest scream. It is spine chilling and attention garbing. Think about it like this you talk everyday you answer you teachers question when your asked you answer when called yada yada yada. For one day you don't talk and trust me people notice because it is not what you normally do. People notice and they try to get you to talk but you have to try to be strong and show them all the people who aren't allowed talk who don't have a voice.  we are taking the silence and amplifying it. they will hear us. Or in this case they won't and they will miss the beautiful sound of our voice from 8 am to 5 pm

Buenas Noches bitches! lol (your not bitches) Night of Noise time to scream and party. So Night of Noise is about breaking the silence and screaming out loud ( that's why it fallows DOS). Representing all of those people who aren't being herd. we have been quite for so long (about 9 hrs or so if you make it all the way through) but now we really need to be herd and we are going to make them listen to us weather they like it or not. this is our protest. this is how we do it. along with a protest there and epic dance party because we can protest and dance at the same time. 

* side note i am par taking in this day and night idk if i will make or if i will get rained out tonight but i am sure i will have a dam good time... i hope. i will tell you guys how things turn out on the ides of may 

Stay FIERCE!!!!!!! 

Libras, scales, seesaws, and other balancing devices

Hip Hip Hip Horah Yes Yes Yes your gay. so i don't know how many times i am going to say it but i am Bisexual. ( i guess i will say it every time it is relevant and i feel like i should bring it back up). being bi i feel like i try to keep a balance between both sides of me and the different often opposing aspects of my life. i have myself which is the real me all the time and i feel like that is pretty balanced. however i do find it very difficult to present a balanced version of myself to the outside world. i mean they can't fallow me around 24/7  and see me. they can only see  what i present to them. often they only get to see one side of me because that side fits in more in that situation. thus they label me one thing or the other because they don't get the full package. for example one of my clubs is made up mostly of women i share a lot of their experiences naturally because i am a girl. so i do like shoes and hot guys ( yes that is stereotypical but it is for a point so hold your horses) so today they called me femy and said " you must be the girl in the relationship right". No that is one of the things I hate the most being labeled in to a position in a relationship by people I will never, have never been in a relationship with. Most of the time I go by no label because I feel freer, less constricted. I don’t want to conform to a label I might be a square today but I might be a triskaidecagon ( a 13 side geometric figure/ polygon you have to remember I am a nerd lol) later. if I had to choose a label for myself it would be stem. (stud and fem basically the same thing as power versed) yeah I am just a little fence sitter hahaha. However, I am having the hardest time keeping the balance between the stud side and the fem side.  But that’s all going to change because like I tell you guys being fierce is about staying true to yourself every single piece and every side. I know balance is hard to find and even harder to master but with the right scale it is achievable.
 I went to a dance on Saturday I think. I mean it was a really busy day. I had make signs for Night of Noise. I got up supper early (cuz I refuse to drive I hate it ). I am pretty sure that it rained and I got wet and had a mini melt down cause my hair got ruined ( I probably just blow dried it back to sexiness) I mean I couldn’t have a full melt down there was a pretty girl there. I know I sent way too much time getting ready and running around like a chicken with my head cut off ( freaking out because the same pretty girl was going to be at the dance). Oh wait * side note the signs still turned out nice even though they got rained on. And after we did some sign making we did some Tia food eating. They forgot the salad option that my friend asked for but it was cool because we decide to be fat any way. forget salad* I was late to the dance but it was cool cause no one gets to a dance on time except the people throwing it. I am sure I had a good time.  But I don’t know for sure yet because it is Wednesday (the worse day of the week cuz I have the hardest time every time trying to spell this shit) 4/11 about 9:30 so none of this has happened yet but I am pretty sure this is how things will play out. I will tell you guys what actually happened next week from today which is 4/18 so you will find out on 4/25 or earlier if I really can’t contain myself.

leave me comments i am so serious, and stay supper Fierce 

Queers in trees

hey guys I thought I might talk about my spring break in this post but I decide to fit in bits and pieces of my break into what I really want to talk about. I was on a picnic with my theater friends on the day before Easter. So you know a bunch of queer kids in the forest preserve. After some eating, some dancing, and trying to play frisbee, we decide to climb some trees. And it hit me as we sat comfortably/ clung for dear life in or to the tree queer kids are some strange folks. I mean we tend to be more accepting, more adventurous, and more open-minded you know willing to try new things. I so we are city kids we don't climb trees some of them had never climbed a tree in their life but we sat calm and comfortable like we were in our natural element (Tarzan in this beatch) it is almost like we were in our comfort zone. Is this just our open mindedness or our ability to adapt and conform? The more I though about it the more it seemed to me like to be this openness and easily adaptability it seems to be very prominent in our queer community. However, it only seems to show when we are together in a group. like all it take is 3 of us and one person out of three has to be outgoing and bam you have like a mini pride party. is it the fact that what makes up the comfort zone is  the group and not an exact place. It just seems like where ever we go ( cuz boy do we get around we terrorize the city) no matter what’s going on around us as long as we are together it seems like we are okay. You would not know this but in person I am actually somewhat shy. Like if I don’t know anybody I am not the one to go out and talk to somebody (unless they are super cute like “eh shawty what’s your name” _{trey songz}) or do something crazy. But when I know somebody, it makes it easier to approach the people (like when your friend is with friends you don’t know). So from my experience it just seems like a few things are true about us queers: 1 we can party! 2 we can get kinda cray cray 3 we are willing to try new things. And 4 we tend to be open minded. What do yall think? Hit me up if you agree disagree  only think one of them are true is sitting on the fence. I want to know what you think

                                   

“J skittles that wasn’t bits and pieces that was one scene from one day of the break what about the other 8 days.” What about them? ( i decide to change it up this week pics down here)  Stuff happened but not stuff I want to talk about cuz it is too early and nothing really happened worth talking about. Don’t get me wrong I had fun but more like that G rated boring fun. Remember when the baby rollercoaster was scary and now you like 17 and you’re taller than the entire rollercoaster. It was like I was 5 again and the rollercoaster was fun. I went to San Jaun and I saw some stuff, ate some things, tanned in some place, ( like my arms I know you people have dirty minds out there I tanned my arms and my forehead and that’s about it get your mind out the gutter) and talked to some people and that was about it. I was only there for 2 days. The rest of my time was spent sleeping, hanging with friends and fam, eating, traveling, or my fav in the ER. ( I am fine no worries) so yep I had a good time but not much to say so ha.
 Leave comments Stay Fierce  

chicken or egg

okay okay okay. dang. today i am to share my perspective  on whether you are born gay or choose to be gay. it may not be the right perspective and it may not be the wrong perspective either. but mayybe by sharing my views maybe it will make people think about theirs. okay so i am true fence sitter so i really don't like to lean either waYy but this is different. i think that i was raised to like men it is what was expected of me and it was all i knew. but when i really looked in to myself and went through that process of self discovery i did make a conscious decision.. but i don't think my decision had as much to do with my sexual orientation as it did with my  happiness. i wanted to be happy. i wanted to be able to love and be loved. i wanted to find a person who loved me and understood me better than i could even understand myself. and if i find all those things in a women than that is what is what's for me. i did chose to act on my feeling i take full responsibility for my action. but i can't control my feelings i was born with these feelings. so yes we may have been born this way but i think it is our right to chose to be happy. 


so yeah this is my spring break. i am suppose to be leaving for the San Juan the day this is suppose to be posted maybe on Friday  i will upload some vacation pics. it was also my birthday on Sunday. the big one eight  what what i am legal now so all you fine dimes and chick adees  holla if you need me want me would like to talk to me. i am just playing..... maybe.but  any way i am happy to be able share vacation with you guys. however i am writing all this before any fun or good stuff has happened. i mean Saturday i went to the ER. and i was there till early morning so no fun times. there was there this one moment when i was in the MRI that was pretty cool but other than that. when something fun  happens i will let you know.
stay fierce leave me comments 
  

Spring Break

okay so i am going to San Jaun Porto Rico for spring break and it kinda reminds me of those mes on facebook.  it is like what society thinks i am going to do what my friends think i am going to do what my parents think i am going to do what i think i am going to do and what actually happens. somebody should create that me for me. i am also suppose to go clubbing for the first time i will tell you how that plays out later. ( secretly highly excited) the girl taking me out is one of my most attractive friends. wanka wanka. that is all i am going to say. lol  any way i hope everybody has a good time on their various breaks and things. cuz i hope i will enjoy mine. i will share some more details and things as i receive them. but you won't get another post about my break until next  Wednesday because i already have my post for this Wednesday haha so stay tuned

BIRTHDAY

HEY it's my birthday. I am turning 18. what what. because i know all of you are going to want to say happy birthday to me and send me chocolate and other presents i am going to say you don't have to. actually please don't i have to fit into my Prom outfit in june. i love chocolate and if you sent it to me i would eat it all and gain so much weight. i mean right before bikini season that's not nice. so all i want for my birthday is for all of you to have a great spring break and a great summer. i want you all to do what makes you happy. and for you guys to leave me comments.