Honestly I think I've lost count of all the things you've done that hurt me. I like to believe that you didn't know you were hurting me. I think because I've always know I've had feelings for you it made it easier for you to hurt me unknowingly. From my point of view after I told you how I felt at Ostem Atlanta I have always been the one willing to confront my feelings for you. I feel like you spent a lot time pushing me away, being afraid of your feelings for me, and unwilling to admit it. I knew before you kissed me in Chicago that you really cared about me. I knew the first time I came to visit you in Boston. I think that corresponds to the first time I felt hurt. I was a little upset, probably jealous, that you had your house boy, it was Marc at the time, staying with you and snuggling with you. I wanted to snuggle you. Then maybe two weeks later when I met up with Marc in Paris he thanked me for convincing you to be with him. I felt so blindside I ran out of the bar, went to the grocery store and bought five bottles of 99 cent wine, and drank all but one of them before I left for the airport the next morning. I drank the last bottle on the train to the airport. I know that I advised you to be with Marc. I wanted you to date and be happy. You had just gotten out of a long term relationship with your ex. What I really meant was date me! How could you not tell me you took my advice? My queer friends never take my advice. I was shocked that you listened to me. I figured if we were close enough for you to take my advice we would be close enough for me to come visit you on your birthday that September. You wouldn't let me come. I didn't understand then what I know now. My heart was heavy though becuase I just wanted to be with you so you wouldn't be alone. I wanted you to know someone really cares about you. That someone being me. I got over that quickly because you convinced me to be your date to Ostem Atlanta, even though it meant coming out to my family there. But I did it then you left me for the UN. I couldn't really be mad at you becuase you were leaving to fight the good fight. I was just flustered because I had to do all that work just so I could join you. I did get to tell you how I felt and tell you that I wanted to take you to Spain for a belated birthday gift. We kept in touch to plan the trip. We even set up a time for my dad and I to come get dinner with you so we could go. Then I got cock block by Obama, thanks Obama, and you couldn't go to Spain during the dates we originally picked. I asked you if you still wanted me to come for dinner and you said "yea, its a date." I took that to mean an actual romantic date. I was so excited. Right before I got on the plane to D.C. you asked if you could bring some to dinner. I thought nothing of it because of the type of life we live. Shit happens. What you failed to mention was you were bringing your boyfriend of the time. I was so pissed. Not only did I regularly ask you if you were seeing someone, I also was encouraging you to date. How did you not mention him before? You talked about every date you went on, every notable hookup you had, and every crush. How did you forget to mention a relationship when I asked all the time! I was so angry at you I didn't go to Creating Change Denver. I don't think I talked to you until we had to make plans for MBLGTACC at ISU. I had calmed down even though you "forgot" to get double beds. Its not that I didn't want to sleep with you. I did. I was so thirsty. I didnt want to sleep in sex that you had with other people. It was almost a perfect weekend. Then Saturday night when we had separate beds, I choose to snuggle Jules cuz you ran hotter than a radiator, you asked if you could have a snuggle buddy. Jules and I said you could if you promised not to fuck them. You pinkie promised me you wouldn't. You gave me your word. Then you did it anyway. I was hurt becuase you gave me your word then broke your promise. You didn't care how that would make me feel. You acted like it wasn't a big deal when it obviously was to me. I felt disrespected. I trusted you. I called off our spain trip and didn't talk to you till later that year at Market Days. Things were finally okay for awhile. I had settled into the fact that we would just be friends becuase everytime I tried to love you, you pushed me away. Then at Creating Change Chicago you kissed me. You kissed me like it was the most normal thing, like it's something we have been doing forever. What the actual fuck!? I was sent into a tail spin. God! You can't just keep playing with me emotionally. Two years after I told you I had feelings for you, you finally admitted to, something everyone around us could see, having feelings for me too at, MBLGTACC Indiana (at dairy queen and all I could do was eat my blizzard cuz I was speechless). I was never so happy and hopeful. Even though it hard becuase neither of our partners at the time wanted us to be together I cherished our time togther. I took an intership in DC to be closer to you but that was a really hard summer. I left D.C in July and went to treatment in August. You were one of the only people I told I was doing this. You and my best friend knew before everyone else, even my family. Writing to you while I was there was extremely helpful. Your support was crucial, thank you for being there for me. Sex Down South October was the most fun I've ever had with you at a conference. We got so drunk. You told me you were going to purpose to Kevin in two years. I wasn't surprised if would have asked me who the married I would have said Kevin. It was a change to our orginal plan but it was a nessacry adjustment. I didn't really care as long as I got to be the mother of your kids. We would still be a family. In the moment though it was a bit much to swallow, no matter how logical. Then in November tried to break up with me. What the hell!? What happened in a month? I was relieved I didn't have to see you at Creating Change Philly. When we finally did talk at MBLGTACC Chicago I could see you still loved me, you just couldn't fight about me with Kevin any more. I understood because Jay was giving me hell too. So we'll take a break we said. You also said during our workshop you were going purpose to Kevin that year. Why don't you tell me these things beforehand? I hate being blindsided. Instead of visiting every month you gave me my first birthday present. You wrote me letters. Things were okay. I couldn't bear to watch you purpose to Kevin without my help. If I could have helped I would have been able to cope. Again not mad or jealous that you were marrying Kevin I just wasn't emotionally ready. I needed a way to cope. Since you didn't want my help I ran away to NYC so I could get drunk and cry about it with friends. In June on my way to world pride our conversation and how fucked up it was didn't really hit me until I got back. I planned to talk you about why being mad that Black Lives Matter shutting down Pride and complaning about it to me a black person was super fucked up. Black Lives Matter had every right to shut down Pride in D.C. I marched in it the year before as one of the only people of color in the parade not there for eye candy. I looked at the people watching and it was mostly white people. In 2016 while I was marching I thought that was strange because D.C.'s Queer scene is dominated by Black Queers followed by Brown Queers. Why weren't they represented? Why was everything white washed? In D.C. a lot of the radical queers on the front lines of change, meeting people where they are, doing direct service, and fighting are Queers of Color and they're doing it with little to no resources. How could you not see that? Then of all people to complain about Black Lives Matter extremely effective protest you choose me, a black person! How did that make sense to you? But I didn't get to tell you b any of this because in July before I came for my visit I got your letter basically saying you didn't love me anymore. I believe the letter I sent you before you sent that one asked you to stop lying to me. If you're not going to tell me the truth then say nothing or say you don't want to talk about it, but do not lie to me anymore. You lied. You planned three different dates for us while I was there. You never planned dates before. I didn't even have to ask you if you loved me. I knew you did. Why lie? Why lie about that of all things? I had one rule and you broke it. So I ended things. I was done with you toying with my feelings, with you running away from your own feelings, and not valuing me or my love. Yet when you visited in August you acted like we were still togther. You even caught up on your letters at the beginning of September. I was going to come to your 30th birthday. I did really want to be there but it was probably for the best that I ended up in the hospital. You sent me another letter at the beginning of October. That made 4 letters I hadn't responded to. I finally found the words to write back to you at the October reminding you that we were over. That's when you told everyone you wouldn't be at Creating Change D.C. To me you were running away from me and taking it out on everyone else. You don't just forget what the dates for Creating Change are. You had known for a year. Aug, Sep, and Oct, we talked about plans to arrive at Creating Change on Wed. instead of Thurs. to get together for dinner at your place . We litteraly talked about having the play party at your place two weeks before you ran away from me. I tried to get to to come to our workshop. I went to the Ostem conference in Chicago to get you to stop having what I had deemed a tantrum. You were suppose to be with us in D.C. I get not wanting to see me at Creating Change D.C. because I did the same thing in Denver. The difference though was the plans in Denver didn't hinge on my attendance. Resentment grew not because I felt you were avoiding me, but that you were willing to let everyone down to avoid me. I'm probably forgetting something, but I think that's all the major stuff. I also felt like I was always coming back to you after you hurt me. Giving you another chance. You said "life keeps putting us back together..." Its not her Devineness always putting us back together, it was me. I just stopped. I know you've never heard me say I'm angry with you about XYZ. I always just stop talking to you and took space. I never asked for an apology because I didn't want to fight about it after I was over it. I had forgiven you for it. I didn't forget as you can see and sometimes I brought things up to remind you not to fuck up in the same way as you had already. Generally, I think I let my anger/pain die. Never asking for you to own up to any of it. Never telling you how you made me feel. I would just disappear and come back when I felt better.
We are all caught up on Amoriartii drama. From the beginning to now, that's all of it. A lot of stuffed happened. I hadva lot of opportunities to walk away but I never did. I still wanted to be in their life. I still wanted them in mine.
