I am a leader. I am a fighter. I am a fire. I am an engineer. I am a do-er.
Leaders lead. Fighters fight. Fires burn, consume, warm, cook, give life, take life, and die. Engineers solve specific types of problems, invent, and fix things. Do-er do. None of these things Love. They are loved. They can kind of love, but not romantically, and its usually passion or loyalty. They can do many things, but are not made to love.
Fish are made to swim. No matter how bad it wants to climb that is not what it is made to do. If it spends it's whole life in the hopeless pursuit of something it is simply incapable of doing, its going to feel like failure. It could just accept the limitation. It would save the fish a lot of pain.
I am starting to think I'm not made to love. I don't seem to know how to do it right. I tend to like the toxicity. I don't think I know how to do it right. Even when I try to have a healthy relationship, I ruin it or I run from it.
I hurt Vendetta. One of the point of no return type of hurt. I didn't mean to. But this is over. We haven't said it yet but I know. I love her and I can't hurt her like this again. If I stay it will keep happening becuase I'm learning how not to, but it is going to take time. I can't ask her to wait for me to learn. To willingly let me hurt her. I won't.
I think its time to stop trying to do something I'm not meant for. I'll save myself and others a lot of pain.
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