So I'm sending this knowing I'm suppose to be giving you space. This is not meant to violate that. I am just so angry with you personally and professionally. Ideally we would be able to keep the two separate but from my point of view that hasn't been working. So I sent this as an attempt to deal with the personal. I hope by the time you decide to watch this I haven't gone past the point of no return. The first conference we went to together, 2014 in Houston, I told you about a terrible fight I just had the boy I was in love with. I had been head over heels for him for about a year. I didn't want to love him so I pushed him away and that led to us fighting. I said something so mean that I knew would destroy him and I definitely crossed the line. It took me a two years to regret what I said. We just made up last year in August and currently meet online once every two weeks or so to play a video game together. I am just now starting to rebuild that friendship. I don't want to get to the point of no return with you because we've been friends for 4 years now and it will take me a lot longer to swallow my pride and regret hurting you. It has taken so much energy for me not to come for your head. I think this is the first time we have been in direct conflict. If it was up to me I would have gone straight for your jugular to hurt you as much as possible for as long as possible. I want to hurt you. When I think about what I just said it blows my mind. To think in a matter if months you went from the person I trusted the most to to doubting your motives constantly. I use to be able to talk to you about everything and anything. In the past even if I was upset with you I made sure that you knew I still loved you. If anything serious was happening with me while I was upset with you I'd let you know. You use to do the same. The understanding was I may not like you right now but I still love you. I loved that. If anything were to happen to me before I forgave you, you would know that I still love you no matter what. When I broke up with you, I had every intention of still being your person. The one who understands you without you needing to explain. The one you know you can trust and come to for anything. We had such a special understanding of each other it was surreal sometimes. I don't know how we got here but I don't like it. I don't want to be here. I have been seeing this new temporary therapist, a black possibly some type of queer man. I've been putting him through the paces as I do. He's better than I thought he would be. I've never had male doctors I've herd too many horror stories from my friends. He's actually helpful though. He's been helping me resovle conflict with my mother and I think the same things he's having me do with her are applicable here. I've made some notes on my phone so you'll see me glancing at it every once in awhile to make sure I stay on topic. Also the music is intentional. My therapist keeps telling me to stop being petty but it makes me feel better. Sorry not sorry. This is an Olive Branch, not an apology. I am willing to adimt I have hurt you. I am willing to admit I am at fault for somethings. I'm willing to admit I have never been good at communication. I am willing to admit that it was easier for me to take the high road and paint myself as the victim who was always right then to work shit out. I'm willing to admit that I've been more than a little defensive and in attack mode recently. I am willing to admit that it has given me pleasure to think about how I could be hurting you. I am willing to admit that I have been plotting your downfall. I'm not ready to apologize for any of that. I'll explain later. I'm going to do this in segments. I am going to talk about how you've hurt me first. I hate bringing up old shit but my therapist says it's necessary because I never healed from it even though I forgave you. I am going to talk about how I was wrong. I am going to talk about how I think I've hurt you. Other than the conversation that happened in January you've never vocalize to me how I've hurt you. I can only speculate. I'm going to try to see things from your point of view. I really want to stop fighting. I would normally write you. It is easy for me to hide behind neutral language and always be able to say that you misinterpreted what I wrote. I can't hide this way. You can hear my tone, see my face, and watch my body language change. I am stepping out to be vulnerable unsure if you will use this against me. Unsure if you will use this to try to manipulate me. Unsure if you even care that I am trying. I want to be the person who gets you without words. The person you trust. The person you dance down the street with. The person who helps you with your wedding. However, if you burn this Olive branch you burn all future opportunities of any type of friendship or more with me. Respond using whatever medium you would like when you're ready there's no rush. I'm honoring your space.
This is the intro to a video letter I'm sending to Amoriartii. We have been fighting since January and its gotten pretty bad. I am attempting to try to end it.
No comments:
Post a Comment