I have a problem with communication. I think we have a problem communicating, but this is about me being wrong, not you, for now. I would be upset with you and just take space/ disappear from your life. I would never tell you why. At the very least I should have said when you did_ it made me feel_ and now I'm going to take some space until I feel better. I think I have only told you once, and that was when you fuck the boy in the same room with me without my consent. I never gave you the opportunity to own up to your shit. I never gave you a chance to have a conversion with me and work to make things better for the future. I think its my hatred for confrontation. Its hard for me to admit to anyone that they hurt me. I don't want them to know that they can do that to me. I don't want anyone to know that I care that much. I survived a lot of shit making people believe I didn't feel pain, that I don't bleed. What's the fun in hurting somebody who doesn't feel the pain? I was avoiding a fight. I don't fight fair extremely competitive paired with a nasty temper. I've gotten better about the temper, I use to get into fist fights. Now I just need to tame my whip of a tounge. Its a work in progress. I didn't want to hurt you unintentionally. I would never admit I didn't mean it becuase then I would "lose" the fight. Being overly competitive about the wrong things is a nasty character flaw developed as a coping mechanism to survive. I'm working on that too. We have never had a fight until now. We kinda decided to just avoid conflict at all cost. I think we were both scared of what that might look like, at least I was scared (We are extremely similar). I think current circumstances prove I was rightfully fearful. Nevertheless, I never asked for an apology. I never gave you a chance to apologize. I never gave you a chance to present your side. I never got your perspective. I was wrong. I am owed my space becuase as you see in the moment I just react I don't think things through. However, you are owed context at the least. You are owed a right to speak too. I didn't want your apology. I didn't want you to admit fault. By just leaving and coming back when I was ready I get to control the narrative. I get to be the the victim and the one who is always right. The story goes you hurt me, you never apologized, and I forgave you anyway because I love you, you hurt me again and again and again, you never once apologized, but I keep forgiving you becuase I love you. Then everyone goes you are better than this. You deserve better. Stop going back they don't care about you. They are awful. I have effectively made you the villain. I took away your ability to be redeemable. I always get to say I've never once lied to you. Up until now I got to say I've never hurt you. Even now its still my narrative. The story is: I broke up with you becuase you broke the only rule I had "don't lie", you had a tantrum, I did all I could to get you to attend and carry your responsibilities, you refused, I was asked a vaild question at time a space you were suppose to be at but weren't, I answer the question even though you weren't there because you were supposed to be and it was one of the only times we're all of us were together in person, the question was owed a response even though parts of this response had personal details it was a professional question, now you're holding this breach of trust over my head despite never owning up to all the shit you've done to me, you're being a hypocrite because you want me to admit fault and apologize when you've never once done the same for me, despite all of that I did admit fault and apologize, you continue to have a tantrum. I am still the one in the right and you're still the villian. But in all honesty by never asking anything from you and not letting you participate in reconciling my pain, I should be the one at fault. My love for always being "right" is unhealthy and unfair to you. You deserve a chance to own it and apologize. You deserve the chance to work shit out. If you want we can go over all of what I said early or we can burn it. I will burn the narrative. I will give up being right because I'm not. We can start fresh. We can agree that we will talk shit out (maybe not in the moment though). That we will make our feelings known. We will give each other the opportunity to own up to our mistakes. We will accept apologies and figure out ways to do better in the future.
I'm a bitch. I know. I'm wrong and a terrible person. You're right. But none of that matters cuz in the end everyone keeps score. At the end of the day its still 20+ mistakes on thier part and 2 on mine. Plus you get points for owning up to your faults so I would be at 0. I keep trying to get out if my head and stop having ulterior motives, but I've been manipulating people since 11 years old at least. I kinda do this in my sleep. I do it without even thinking about it. I know I'm doing it and trust me I'm trying to stop. My evil brain is just trying to protect me. Years of abuse, bullying, having to out smart everyone just to get what you need and stay safe does this to you. Its like leaning to competitively dive when you're older. A lot of it is getting your body and brain to override the safe gaurds you have to stay safe. For example an inward dive, you stand at the end of the spring board or platform. You are faceing the ladder you climbed to get up there. Then you dive in by bring your head in towards the egde of the board or platform. If you do it right you're no more than a foot away from the edge. If you look you can see the egde before you go in, don't look. Your body/brain is rightfully so convinced that you are going to hit the edge and kill yourself. So it tries to stop you. It takes a different level of control to get it to stop trying to protect you. I would know because I became a diver. You think it would have been easy for me being suicidal and all. Strangely that's not how that works. I can harm myself no problem. I cannot force my body to do dangerous things just for fun. Similarly I tried falling in a way where I would break my wrist. My body wouldn't let me. It took a lot of practice. Same thing with not manipulating people. If my brain believes it will lead to me getting hurt it finds a way to protect me, or at least finds a way hurt the person who is trying to hurt me worse than they can hurt me. I have not figure out a way to turn that off. I can warn people about it though. Which is what I have done with Lovely and Vendetta. My brain is trying to control everything to keep me safe. It never learn how to let go. It never learned to trust. It doesn't realize we are safe now.
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