Skittles: why is my heart so heavy?

I saw Amoriartii on my way to world pride.  I had a layover in DC and we met up for lunch.  It was a relatively nice lunch, nothing of consequence was discussed so nothing happened. I left felling rather empty and unfulfilled. I didn't really have anything on my brain that I wanted to talk about. I guess I should have said I've been feeling neglected but I forgot.  I'll address it in our next letter. Normally my heart feels overjoyed and light after I have a nice visit. But I don't feel that. I want to feel more. I want to be overcome with love but I just feel heavy.

Skittles: can we start over Gordic

I got the sweetest response to a series of long messages I sent to Gordic after running in to him Saturday afternoon. Basically he hoped I was doing well and that I learned from everything that happened between us. I have learned and it helps me with Amoriartii and Lovely. I am still a good friend like I was back then. I haven't learned to put my feelings before my friendships and I don't think I want to. But I have learned to communicate my feelings instead of running from them. I learned to talk about things even when they are uncomfortable. I have learned to talk about my insecurities instead of being jealous.  Jealousy is a really toxic emotion that I only experience  when I'm not in a committed relationship of any kind with someone that I have deep feelings for.  I was jealous of my best friend's (husband #7) other friends before we talked about it and he was like your being silky becuase I love you and you're my best friend. I need to know where I stand and I have to like it.   Anyway I digress, Gordic forgave me, something I thought he would never do. I wouldn't have forgiven me. I forget that Gordic is a much better human than I in almost every way. So this time around I'll do so much better.  He is so happy and I don't want to bring him down in any way. But I do desperately miss him. I don't know how to develope a close relationship with someone I will hardly ever see.  I know how to preserve close relationships when people move, but I've never had to do it the other way around. So I'm nervous. I don't know where you start. It's also hard to start over becuase we have history. I want to know if he still draws or still writes in his journal? I want to know what video game he's addicted to  right now.  I really wonder if on Sunday's he still eats oatmeal, watches Buffy, and knits. I guess I can ask. But I'm sacred to move to fast. I'm really excited and I want to know everything I've missed. At the end of the day I'm just over joyed to have my friend back.  I've missed him so much.

Skittles: Hello Gordic

I saw Gordic toady for the first time in years. They are still with thier boyfriend and honestly look great and very happy. I found out they were in town yesterday and have been making an effort to see them. I hoped I would be able to apologize for everything I did. I said things I didn't mean when we fought. I cut him out of my life trying to get over my feelings for him so that I wouldn't lose him as a friend. But still lost him any way.  I lied when he asked me if I liked him becuase I really didn't want to like him.  I wanted my friend. I was so scared that I ended up messing everything up anyway. I'm so sorry for being a dick and I would really like to see him and his boyfriend when ever they are in town. I never regret losing people or cutting people out of my life except for him.  I really want to be on good terms again.  I miss our friendship a lot.

Daily struggles

Dealing with the real fear that because of racism, transphobia, and being polyamorous that I might never have the romantic love I crave.

Skittles: How do "One night stands"?

I recently made out then cuddled with an amazing person. They are a badass trans activist, artist, and musician. They are also a beautiful tortured soul. I believe or exsperice help us learn but our trauma really makes us. They been through it. Still so strong and with such heart and optimism despite everything.  Becuase I've already used thier real name on here to tell you about their work I'll let you all figure out who I'm taking about. But for the sake of this post I'll call her V for Vendetta. Vendetta posted on Facebook they wanted someone to make out with and I was like yeah if your down to cuddle too. So we met up and I took them home. 

I am not the hook up type. I get really nervous and I spend a lot of time in my head instead of just feeling. We talked a lot then I just like playing in people's hair so it went from there.  I thought we might hook up but then in the middle of everything they asked me to stop. So I did. I wonder if I did something wrong but I was too scared to ask. I wanted to ask what they liked. I wanted to ask if they wanted to fool around in the morning when we woke up but I was still too scared.  V on the other hand was really good at communicating. They asked me what I liked.  Asked if they could bite me.  Really checked in with me. I felt like they really cared about how I felt.  It wasn't awkward either. I always imagined having convos during passionate interactions would kill the mood but it really helps you both be on the same page.  Meanwhile I was parlized with fear. I just wanted to be good. I am a perfectionist when it comes to these things. I was so scared I wasn't doing anything right. I really wanted to say something but I was just so scared. 

This is what keeps me from hooking up.  My fear and how it keeps me from being able to talk during physical interactions. I'm usually very verbal, moans, screams,  lots of curse words,  and directions (ie to the left, bite me,  lower, harder ect). I could barley get a moan out. I think I'm just meant to get to know a person first.  Have a well established high level of comfort. Like we can be naked in front of each other for no reason comfortable.  Then I feel like I can be myself.  I would also like to snuggle first for a whole night's sleep before I get into someone's bottoms.  I think if we can just snuggle in only underwear then I can sleep with you after that.  I've already gotten down to my skivvies and let you hold me close or held you close. Hopefully you didn't try anything, respected my boundaries, and didn't murder me. If you can do that and I find you attractive and you feel the same  then we can probably do the horizontal tango.

Know your boundaries and what makes you comfortable. Also try to make the other person comfortable. The cool thing about my interaction is there was a no and it was acknowledge and respected.  You can always stop. No matter what your gender, your orientation, power dynamic, top, bottom,  verse,  threesome,  orgy, making out, holding hands,  anything. You can say no and end it. Never do something you don't want to.  Never force  or coerce someone into doing something.  Always acknowledge and respect a no.  Be safe and have fun at your own speed

Skit: Father's day with Turo

As queers we stereotypically have problems with our biological family.  I did not have any issues with my biological patents after I came out. I told my dad first at 16 and my mom at 22. They both accept me and love me. However, there are somethings I have to explain or some stuff they just don't get.  This gets tiring after a while. I also live most of my life in the queer community. I spend most of my time with other queer people.  So I have a chosen family, not because mine rejected but to, but to deepen connections, bonds, and a sense of community. Now a days I normally get breakfast with my dad and spend the rest of father's day with my queers in boystown. Father's day is always during pride fest and I love my dad but I also love being queer. This year my dad was out of town so I worked and didn't really celebrate with him.  But my chosen farther Turo was in town.  I haven't seen him in 5 years. He's been traveling and went back to school on the east coast. But today I got to catch up with him.  The queer community loves mom's. The vogue community has house mothers. Everyone has their chosen mother.  At my school baby lesbians were called dikelings and always had a mother dike. But what about father's? We're not being kinky and talking about daddies, but actual father figures. I was lucky enough to have a "traditional" chosen family unit in highschool. My mother, a firce black trans women, and my father, a first generation gay latino actor and self made determined driven lover. Growing up with him was great.  He would never tell me what to do which was and still is infuriating. He would ask me questions about it and tell me to follow my heart.  Do what you love. He is so loving. He creates family and nurtures all those around him. My mother on the other hand pushes me,  wants me to give it my all.  My father has always stressed my happiness. Seeing him today, I hope I am making him proud. He asked me what I had been up to and if I still talked to my About Face people.  He asked about school and  love. We talked about how we are constantly seeking community.  We went to bookstores and I met his boyfriend.  Father's are stereotypically the disciplinarian or the fun parent. My father is the loving parent. I know my chosen  mother love's me, always has and always will. But my father's love is more apparent. It comes from how he sees the world and the people in it. He has such a big heart and so much love to give. I want to see the world through his eyes. He has wanderlust just like I do, but his is more intentional. My is a self medicated escape from my depression, which is  why my trips are all so short, you can only hold it off for so long.  But his feeds his soul helps him grow.  He takes everything in and is so grateful and humble amidst it all.  Growing up kids never see their patents faults and want to emulate then becuase of that. But I was past that when I met Turo. I know he's not perfect but he is really good and I hope to emulate that.

Skit: I love being Queer

As I've grown into my identities I've really learned to love myself. Yesterday at Pride fest with my friends I just stopped. The music kept playing and people kept dancing. I just looked around and thought wow, look at all these happy people.  Happy to be here,  happy to be alive right now, and surrounded by love. Everything oozed joy.  I thought to myself, I love this.  I look forward to this every year.  I would never have known such exstacy if I wasn't queer. I love being queer. Then I was in the club with my friends from college and again I was overcome with just a profound sense of peace.  This is where I belong,  this is so right.  I've never doubted if I was suppose to be bisexual and non binary. I have wondered what my life would be like if I rejected myself and just the thought that I wouldn't know the people I do now. I wouldn't know the happiness this life has brought me.  I wouldn't have the resúme I do. To be able to watch my friends be able to have fun and not be afraid of persecution or hate is a gift. We have our own spaces and it's really something to have room to be oursevles. I love being queer, despite everything we go through and all the hate we face, I wouldn't change.  Most all of my current friends wouldn't change either. I havpe never lived through a medical epidemic that killed of my friends, or had my spaces raided by police.  We don't get a lot of the first had hate.  We get protested, beat up, or discriminated against.  I have never been beaten for being queer so I think that's why I wouldn't change. I don't know how bad it could be. But some of my friends have and still wouldn't change if they could.  I think it's this knowledge of having experienced something amazing becuase we are queer that makes us know we are perfect this way.  I really could not ask for more in moment than the realization that you're exactly who you're suppose to be.

Skit: My community

Trigger warning: death and suicide at the very end

I don't think I've ever explained which queer community I grew up in.  In Chicago, as far as I know there are really only two queer communities with resources: The mainstream white gay one,  and the Latinx community. I have learned over the years of a black queer community but from what I know it primarily caters to over 30 or homeless youth.  I am neither of those.  I would like to say that I only ever wanted to be part of the Lantinx community but I'd be lying.  We all try to make it in the mainstream lane. Trying to do everything to be accepted.  Going to the gym, wearing the right clothes, and having the right look. Having the right look is often something money just can't buy. You have to be a certain height, have the right type of hair,  and most importantly pass the paper bag test, the only test I will continue to fail for the rest of my life.  In all honesty it's more like an eggshell test becuase a brown paper bag is still to dark for the gay community. You can be tan-ish but not ethnic in any way, shape, or form. So as I obviously fail an eggshell test I went to the Lantinx community.  I was already kind of in the Latinx community. Most of my friends were Latinx. My choosen father was Latinx, and I was involved in the HIV part because of my friend who got HIV. So I went to some events and I liked it.  They never forced me to fit into a mold, they talked about things that were effecting my friends and I, and they accepted me.  Even though I was black they said you're one of us, you belong here.  I was never an outsider there. It wasn't long before I was invited to take a leadership role in the community. I have since seen my friends make the 30 under 30 list (a list I aspire to be on one day), the LGBTQ hall of fame, find love,  be featured in articles, run their own non for profits,  start business, and thrive. The Lantinx queers raised me.  They took me in when the mainstream gays rejected me.  They built me up when the mainstream culture tried to tear me down and oppress me. They loved and vailidated me when the gays rejected me.  I've continued to work in my community becuase it's not perfect. We are really transphobic and are stuck in binary gender roles of lantin post colonial heritage.  We are still trying to assimilate instead of burn it all to the ground and start from scratch, or create our own.  I am working to make it better. This is my home. I want everyone to feel as loved and accepted as I did. Everyone should know the feeling of community.

When I went of to college I thought I would finally find the black community I missed growing up, but alas . At University of Illinois the black community is extremely homophobic. So I could go back in the closet so I would be accepted at "black house" (the African American cultural center) or I could be be queer. Guess what I choose. I was never in the closet with my friends. When I realized I liked girls I told all my friends.  I made more friends becuase I was queer. I was not about to denie that part of me to try to be part of a culture that I never felt accepted me. So I went to "la casa"( the latino/ hispanic cultural center)  instead and felt right at home again. They had a couple LGBTQ identified interns, were always trying to collaborate with the LGBTQ center,  and very welcoming. So again I found myself part of the Latinx community. I also found myself part of the Asian queer community. I really miss this and wish that I could find that community in Chicago now.  The API (Asian-Pacific Islander) queer community had so much history.  Many of these cultures pre colonialism were really queer friendly and had more than two gender options! There was so much cross over of culture and how API identified folks brought thier roots with them to the queer community. You have not lived until you have queered the Holi fest or the Moon fest. It is amazing.  It also bled over into how my friends and I did choosen family. I was adopted by a Chinese  guy. If you do family the extremely traditional way there are titles, and an order to the way you greet people plus a lot more that I don't have time to get into right now. But that's how we organized our choosen family very steeped in Chinese tradition.  Again I was accept,  they taught me about thier history, and I never had to be anyone but myself. I worked in the QAPI and the Latinx community while I was in college, helping cater to a whole student so they didn't have to choose between thier heritage and being gay like I did. 

I'm back in Chicago but I like to travel and seek out the QPOC community where ever I go. I've been on the hunt for a while now to go to black queer events in Philly, DC, and Atlanta, but as of yet no success. In DC I've managed to find the Latinx community and the API community in San Francisco. I will also subscribe to the QPOC community becuase I want to be me not someone else. 

I've noticed as I've established myself as an activist I am more accepted by mainstream gays.  I don't want to be one of them anymore though.  They didn't want me in my beginnings when I needed them now I refuse to be marginalized,  tokenized, and used. I won't fight their battles for them.  The queer movement has always been built on the backs of poor, working class, trans,  gender non binary,  fem,  people of color only to be discarded after use. They aren't being recognized or appreciated. So I don't want a flag with a black stripe and a brown stripe.  I want equity. Then we can have an inclusive flag. But I don't want to pretend or send a message that the gays have conquered racism when we are so far from it. So take your flag and write us checks instead. Pay us for the hard work that we have done for you all, that now you take for granted.  Rights we are still fighting for becuase we are not white.  Oppression we still face becuase we are people of color.  Yay you can get married, but we can't cuz we won't live long enough.  We are being murdered, deported, dying, and committing suicide. Yet we are still doing all the work to improve the queer community.  Pay us,  recognize us,  put us in positions of leadership, and listen to us. Then we can talk about a flag.

Skit: One year later Orlando

It is one year later. Some how the earth continued to spin and made it all the way around the sun after 49 beautiful lives where lost in one fatal shooting. A year later Amoriartii and I are still grieving our losses, Juan, Drew, and Amanda. I always look back and think I could have lost Amanda and the love of my life in one night.  That still scares the crap out of me. So much so that I want to hold Amoriartii so close and never let them go.  Never go to another gay club or queer event.  But I can't live my life in fear and I can't keep them from the world. The world needs them. The world needs us to be brave and keep living authentically. I want to fight becuase for the few hours I had to question whether or not my love was alive were some of the worst hours of my life. When I found out Amanda was dead and my heart dropped out of my chest, I need to fight to never feel that again.  When I cried for the next few days I never want to go through that again so I need to fight.  Becuase trans lives and queer lives are still being lost to violince everyday.  More that 300 trans people have been murdered around the world already this year.  That means someone's life love is never coming back.  Someone's friend is never coming back.  Someone has panicked only to find out they are dead. Someone's heart drop out of thier chest receiving the news. Someone is spending weeks crying. Next year someone will visit a grave just like I did and still be in eminence pain. But they won't have community to mourn with.  They won't have their love one remembered for years to come. They won't have a world remember. They will hurt in silence, forgotten, and alone. I could not bear this pain alone and I don't know how people do it. But I fight for them, thier loved ones,  and Amanda. Step up.  Take action and love each other fearrlessly, proudly, and fiercely.

Skit: Heteros at Pride

I'm very torn about this.  Obviously you can be hetero and still be queer. How? All the non binary gender identities, gender exspansive, binary trans, gender creative, gender queer,  and gender fluid people. Queer incompas gender identities. People with middle sexuality identities can look stereotypically queer, hetero or neither. I personally go between super girly sexy and a teen boy. Those are my two looks.  Both look straight and I am so freaking queer. Proud families supporting their queer child/children. Queer parents with their child/children. Friends of queer people. That is a big one becuase if you have a best friend or just a co-conspirators regular friend that you're close with, you want them their to support with you. Lastly,  co-conspirators people who are in the trenches with us fighting the good fight.  People who are using thier privilege to make sure our voices specifically TPOCs  are herd and their message is getting across. They all belong at pride and our other queer spaces.

But if you are not one of those heterosexuals then pride is not for you. Please leave. You can't sit with us. This is not a space to learn.  This is our celebration/protest, and does not include you.  You literally have all the other spaces. Do not invade ours. You are not entitled to it. You haven't earned it. You don't belong. GTFO! I am tired of seeing the stereotypical white girl at pride with all her friends trying to grope gay boys, take pictures with drag queens, and get so drunk she kisses her friends, no homo though. Just  because our space is safer for you becuase the gay guys aren't hitting on you and the people who are into  girls know how to respect a no doesn't mean you can come and invade.  We don't want you here.  You don't give a dam about the movement. You don't support Queers just white gay men usually. You're super transphobic. Pride is a fight for most queer people still. A fight you know nothing about and don't care about. We will send you a memo of how to become a co-conspirators by next year, that way you won't be taking up space becuase you'll know better. But until then I will say it one more time. GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR SPACES!!!

Obviously we can't tell the ones who belong and the ones that don't apart. There was a time in my baby Bi life where I just thought June was a party.  I would go, grope gays,  kiss girls, and take pictures with drag queens. But I've learned. I still take photos, kiss and touch with consent, and add to my rainbow bracelet collection. But I also go to workshops and fundraisers. I show up to more than just the parties. I go to the teach ins,  discussions,  workshops,  and protest too. That's what pride is really about for me now.  I really only go to the parade to bring baby queers, becuase we all start somewhere.  But I wish we could issue a public statement to the "others" and tell them not to come so that we could have one thing that is truly ours again.

Daily struggles

I try so hard to date women or fem identified/ leaning people and it never works out.  I'm getting a dog

Skitt: Now Now Now

How do you know when you've come to the end of your rope? I really don't want to push you.  I know you're not ready but I am.  I really don't want to wait any longer. I've been there for it all.  We've been through so much together, why are you still scared? I've got all this love that's just going to waste. I know you feel the same way about me,  what's holding you back?  For two people who share a brain how are we never on the same page. You're always lagging behind or maybe I'm just moving too fast. Everyone one has there's walls and their security measures, but haven't I proven myself time and time again? I don't want to waste any more time.  If your not ready I'm going to call it night.  I always want you. I probably always will. But this is it.  Do you want me? Can you act like it? I'm out here. I'm open. I'm ready. Are you?  Let me know. I will always be there for you but you have to decide.  Love me now or set me free.

Daily struggles

In other news maybe Lovely likes me back. That's so weird. I never considered that possibility.  I'm beside my self. 

Daily struggles

There isn't one person in my life who wants me to be with Amoriartii. Only people who are part of my KU board even like them.  All of my friends, family,  co-workers, therapist, mentors, any one who knew me first are against this. I'm just going to ignore that huge red flag and continue though.

Daily struggles

Missing people who never miss me

Daily struggles

My identities are so flexible and fluid that they often change based on who I'm prioritizing in my life. Even if I'm putting myself first I still change based on my situation.  I have been thinking that if I leave Amoriartii that I might go back to being monogamous

Skit: where is the protest

Pride was never about drinking, doing drugs,  having sex, being sloppy,  and partying. Don't get me wrong, all of those things have a place during this month of pride, but that's not what it should be about.  As I've grown and learned about queer history I have decided it should really be when are at critical levels of revolt. Governments are legally killing off queer people. It is illegal to have sex with the same the sex in some countries. It is legal to put children through conversion therapy, which can invole elector shock therapy or worse, in most countries including the US. Trans people are being murdered at higher rates than any other population of people. I can't even begin to cover all the gender discrimination/ violence that trans, gender non conforming, gender non binary,  and gender creative people face that is completely legal.  But we can get married, adopt, and sometimes have job/ school protection. The fight is over and we won. I  know that for some people this is the only time they can be in community and have a good time safely.  That's why I don't want to remove the partying from pride.  When I was younger pride fest was the only time all my friends and I could come together and have a good time for free and be safe.  We would dance all day, rain or shine,  until were feet were terribly bruised. It was the only space we had. I would never want to take that away from anyone.  However, I think that there should also be more community meetings and actions to fight for the change we all desperately need. I want more workshop to educate us on what's really going on with in our community and how we can come together to help each other.  I have no clue what's going on with queer homeless youth but I want to help. I don't know what my Asian queer community needs.  I want to know and I want to help.  I want us to have a day where we call our reps and tell them we support or oppose state/federal bills or city ordinances. I want to be at town halls were our activist call out our reps. I want more protest. I want more community healing for our activist becuase this work is hard and we burn out.  I want the world to know our fight isn't over.