This is an unedited blog about my thoughts, my life, and my experiences living it. I leave it unedited so I can actually watch myself grow. It forces me to acknowledge my mistakes and learn from them. Feel free to leave comments
When you have create new terms because you weather is that crazy. Like thunder snow, wtf is thunder snow!!!?? Do I need an umbrella or snow pants????
When the rain is trying so hard to be snow but it just can not even. Hahahahah.
Light smog rain. Again what is smog rian??! I think a hazmat suit should suffice.
Smog rain: rain that really wants to snow. The rain is so thick and its so humid out you can see the smog in the city. Gross.
When your body won't let you get fat. Body gets close to 160 gets, gets really sick, loose 10 pounds.
Conversations with my homo homies: oh Queen Goddess and baddest bitch of them all, am I basic if I order a pumpkin spice latte Tall?
If you have to ask whether you're basic or not you're already pretty basic.
Part one: I can't remember who husband number 4-6 are
Part two: " the hardest part of the zombie apocalypse will be pretending I'm not excited" Husband number 7
My two friends have the love I dream about. They make me cry with joy and happiness when I am around them. They over flow the room with there love. But all is not well in Paradise. Let's start from the beginning when I originally met the two of them. When I met them and when they met each other they were both in relationships. The Pool Boy with Husband number two and the Dance with the Stripper. Husband number three was trying to get with Husband number two and he eventually succeeded. This lead to the very violent end to my crew and both relationships. But Stripper and Dancer were into my Pool boy. So there was a love triangle going on for a little bit ( 10 months). The Pool boy ended up falling for the Dancer, which I knew he would. But after a break up a lot of us aren't ready for a new serious relationship and just want to have a lot of sex. Using sex not to feel or have sex to mend the pain you know the usual reasons to be a slut after a break up. And a sex loving unfeeling something that means person but starts with T so I can use slut as an acronym Dancer became. Pool boy wasn't happy with that. Pool boy is the model they use to describe the jealous type. He does not share, and he believes in the idea that loving some one and them committing to you means ownership in some way. So the healthy sex drive that Dancer had ( and still has) was a problem. Pool boy won't date anyone who has Grindr or anything like Grindr. He stopped hooking up with Dancer and did something like its me or the dog but with sex. So Dancer left him. But not before one last hook up. Which lead to an HIV scare. Dancer contracted HIV during his cranial adventures in other peoples beds. He was safe, he was careful and he still got it. ( we were activist 90% of what we do is teach safe sex). Then he almost gave it to Pool boy. So let's just say that they ended their friendship on a bad note. 10 months go by and sometime time during that period the Dancer realized he loved Pool boy. He tries to get back in contact with Pool boy but he is going through somethings and wanted nothing to do with the Dancer ( I swear I should make a book about this). So two months later they both work down the street from each other. They ran into one another while they were waiting for the bus. All of this time has gone by but you wouldn't know it. They act like they fought yesterday and its time for them to kiss and make up. But Dancer not Pool boy is afraid. Dancer is afraid he is going to give Pool boy HIV even though he has taken all the precautions. Pool boy loves him and wants to be with him regardless of the risk. I think somewhere deep down Pool boy knows Dancer is the one. I know that they are meant for each other. Dancer won't say anything out of fear. He doesn't want to risk hurting someone he loves so much and Pool boy is too stubborn to make the first move. They are about to throw it all away over nothing. When they go out people can tell that they are in love. People watch and look. They get those knowing smiles from their waiters. They come in to a restaurant early and stay till close. Pass close because no one ever has the nerve to kick two people in love out. Everyone can feel it, see it, we all know it. Nothing is louder than love. I just wish they would listen to it and stop being stubborn.
I spend many of my weekends home. In the city that I cam out in. In the places that made me the raging Queermo that I am. I feel like that should feel regressive. I am a junior in college I should be doing internship and interviewing. I should be picking out companies to work for. But to tell you the truth I might be one fourth of the way done with my degree. I am taking the scenic route. Its been four years since my peak at ATYF, which is where most of the guys in my life came from. Its been three since my time at ISSA where all queer friends come from. About six months in to my time at each place I met all of my friends here, and we are all still here. That should sound bad, that none of us have moved on from this place. Any normal person would think it was bad. My friends age now range from 18 to 30, so four years ago I was 16 and it was from 14-26. We are all still here. Some of us only spend the summer here because of school but this is still home. No of us are dead. There are so many normal ways to die in Chicago and we lived. God knows some of us would have been dead without our guardian angles. Some of us should've been dead but death can't touch this. So when I say we are all still here that means we didn't succumb to gun violence. We didn't let depression beat us. We stayed healthy regardless of our status. We didn't leave when it tough, and we toughed out the cold. So it might just feel like progress because we all survived. But I mean for some of them their lives are here. My friend that is thirty is an assistant director now. That is a jump from where he was four years ago. My friend and their partner just moved in together. My other friend just bought a house. Nobody has graduated college yet ( to the best of my knowledge who already didn't have a degree). Nobody has gotten married or started a family. I have had friends go back to school. I have had friends that have been published, promoted, and written books. That's not stagnant or regressive. But I guess my issue isn't with them its with the friends like me who's lives look like they are going backwards. If you didn't know I left my big ten school where I was on a full scholarship. I hated it there and it was killing me. I am still in school but I am not in any engineer classes right now. But just like the rest of my friends, who are just now finding stable footing after some difficult shit, I looks regressive. I know like it looks like went backwards that I wasn't able to hold my own. But I went through it. They went through there own little trail and tribulations but that's over now and they made it. Now we need to do what's best for us regardless of what it looks like. So yeah being back every weekend feels like familiar, but its not the same. Because we aren't the same. Its so strange to me that we can spend basically 10 months apart and come back over the summer like its nothing. Like nothing has changed. But things do change, mostly us, but we are able to make it work. We don't see each other for ten months most of the time because we go away for school or have grown people stuff to do durning the year but for two months we catch up and we are together and everything is okay. I don't know what I am going to do when one of us moves away. Its like 28 of us including myself. I normally don't see my friend durning this time because I am normally gone but its nice to be able to chill with them on the weekends just like I use to when I was 16. I think it is self medicating for my depression because I am so happy when I am with them. We are all at different points in our life somethings like getting tacos at 2 am or talking over froyo, kick backs in the car even just never get old. And talking with each other definitely helps us. We all have different prospectives and thought processes so discussions are heated and insightful. I learn so much from them. And in many ways I can feel the difference. We all are a little smarter, wiser, and stronger. We all pretend to be a little more mature. The changes that we have undergone because of life's test sit well with in our bones now. We can all kind of breath happy before winter comes. I think because summer is a party time for us now that the dust of our fast lives has kinda settled we are free to live slower and have that time to reflect. So kick backs in the car moving forward just at a pace that allows us to enjoy the ride.
Stay fierce
J Skittles
More life advice brought to by the professor (mistress number 11): Always trust your crazy ideas. ;)
There is a lot of things that I could talk about on here. In my everyday life I experience various level of sexism, gendering, and sexualization of women's bodies ( I find that the way I dress isn't so much to convey a gender identity its to avoid being sexualized) I see blatant acts of homophobia on a regular. Racism in micro aggression that are socially acceptable. I think we have turned a blind eye to thing that are so obviously wrong because society says we can. We don't think its wrong because we don't think about it. I am spending the rest of October questioning every action I do and many of the actions that other people do. For example I was playing fruit ninja in class because I can multitask and there was nothing to take notes on. However, I can look at it now and see how that might come across as rude. I sit in the front row I could at least pretend to be 100% involved in what's going on. I participate don't get me wrong. I listen to what my teacher is saying and engage in the discussion. I would probably get more out of the class is I stayed focused. I also realize that its a respect issue, a personal values issues ( which makes it seems like I am lacking in some), and a cultural values thing. I see it looks like I don't respect my teacher, or I should respect him more. If I valued respecting others I would pay attention. If valued my teacher like Beyonce ( I would never play fruit ninja while Beyonce talked)... However, ( this is a very one sided and biased view) if I valued my teacher like I was a student in a Chinese class room in some racist karate movie I don't think I would been playing fruit ninja. Why don't I have those values? Why am I not that person and is that a good thing or should I strive to incorporate that particular point into my life. As I begin to unpack this very simple thing I do everyday it brings up more question. Why is Beyonce so much more important in my life then my education! She's not but from this example it seems so. I am sure I could find more examples to support the Idea that Beyonce is more important than my degree. Again she's not but if my action say one thing does my ideology, what I say, or what I think matter? If I am acting against my beliefs I must not really believe it right? I know I am blowing things out of proportion and taking things to the extreme but this is how it looks. People aren't privy to our inner most thoughts, logic, and reasoning. They only have a little bit of context to judge us by. As much as I don't care what the world thinks if me I do care what me would think of me. I would think I was lazy and disrespectful. That I wasn't taking my eduction seriously. Which is not at all what is going on in this particular class. I love this class and it shows in all the work I do for it just not in class. Its silly not to work as hard in class if I am working hard out of class. A simply look into a small activity changed my day. Brought attention to what might just be a personal laps in values but I think you will find that in examining everyday stuff we all need a good moral kick in the pants. I think America has sold our principles and systems of values in favor of dollar large ice teas. However this is only day one and I have so much more to question. See if you can spend a day, 6 hours, or even a brief trip out and about question why you acted a certain way, why everyone around you acted a certain way and why everyone's going along with it.
I spent all of this post wanting to write about my feelings. Its fall here, which normally means pretty leaves, spiked cider and BOOTS!!!! ( I love Boots!) But sky is often grey and I feel everything. Maybe its not me feeling everything its more of an interpretation of my surroundings. It feels like melancholy ( why does that word that sound happy, it is not). Which makes it hard to get out of bed. Harder to leave the house. Much harder to be productive. The sky have been full over cast clouds and it has rained almost every night. Its just grey and wet outside. I don't go walking during the day anymore. (Which I use to do at least once a day) It brings me down. But I do like walking at night, the moon looks brighter out here and everything is much quitter. Like Urbana was at U of I. I moved again I keep forgetting to tell you. I hate moving and I haven't settled yet. I refuse to put things away or take everything out of boxes. I don't adapt to big change well if you hadn't noticed. I don't know why? Change is normally one of the things I am best at in every other aspect of my life. I am hoping that this noticing the little things will help me learn more of myself. I finally feel like I kinda know who I am again. I like this person for the most part. I am rather quick to call myself she or her but it doesn't feel right. I feel much more like an it. But it makes people uncomfortable because it seems dehumanizing. I wonder how dehumanizing it would be to look at their life from space then look at the rest of space. Like I said I have a lot of feels today but I can't quite articulate them so I am going to spare you those details until next time.
Stay fierce
J skittles
Life advice brought to you by yours truly and the Pool Boy: always choose the dangerous option. Even if there is a safer option look it, consider it, but don't take that one. Choose the dangerous option life if more fun that way.
Conversations with my main mistress.
Him: go straight.
Me: I can't. Teehee
Him: just go forward
Me: Okay
*swears between lanes*
Him: what the heck are you doing? We are going to be pulled over for drunk driving.
Me: I'm not drunk, I've driving bisexually. I'm on both sides of the line.
Did I ever tell you the story of how I slipped and fell and when I got up I was bisexual. I kinda tripped into my super queer life. I accidentally landed into the boss chair which put me in charge of founding this kink organization. Looking back on my life a lot it happened despite my efforts to stop it. Let's look at being bisexual, a lot of things had to happen for me to realize that I was queer. I went to a super queer highschool, not everyone was homo but we didn't believe in traditional gender roles. We believe in being yourself, exploring what that meant, really discovering who yourself. We had guys who wear dress for like a week just because they were curious. But that is the type of school I went to. I am certain if I would have gone anywhere else I would still be straight. It took a girl so much like me to really push me in to being like oh snap! Same thing with my super queer life. It all started because my friend dragged me to a Queer straight alliance meeting. In every instance if I would have had my very stubborn way my life would be drastically different. I was pushed in to it. I never take leaps of faith and when I do its not a leap of faith its a very calculated jump. Though my life has change a drastically since starting high school I have petty mixed stayed the same. Anyone can look at my life and say there you must have had to take a leap of faith there. The answer would be no. I am woefully inexperienced when it come to just jumping. I always look first, then it is usually followed by me colorfully explaining why I am not going to jump. So when my friends explained to me that love is a leap of faith I knew I was screwed. Love just isn't for me and I am off to get a cat as we speak. I do not do crazy dangerous things. I go asking with my friends to do mildly entertaining things and along the way life puts me in very spicy situations. We can go back to love for a second, I had no intentions of finding it while I was is school. I thought there was no way in hell I'd get picked to go to New York. I also knew there was no way I was going to be able to pay for it if I did go. However, one way or another ended up in New York city for the Google conference!!! I just wanted to learn, explore, and see a couple of my friends while I was there not make new friends. But again man makes plans and God laughs. I met AmoriartiI while I was there and it started a whirlwind of events that neither of us could see coming or control. Our lives were thrown together and it seems the more I resist the closer they get. Oddly enough after a year of fighting it I almost want it. I want to like them. I do like them I mean I want this... Love. I just can't leap. I don't know how because all of my life I have been pushed. I awkwardly landed in Amoriartii's life, now I am just one mistake away from forming more permanent relationship.
Causal lesbian conner on the train. There is a stud and her fem sitting across from me and I am sitting next to a cute hipster dike. Ladies loving ladies only
Here we go again. Why does this always happen when I have a lot of work to do. Only when I have to focus on school does my heart kick in and become the biggest distraction. I keep repeating to myself I don't need you, I don't need you, I don't need you. Hoping that if I say it enough it will magically be true. I don't need you but I want you. What is so wrong with not loving anybody. I do better on my own anyway. I get more done. Its not like I have the time. It is true I am not as busy as I once was but it's because everything takes longer when your depressed. Also I am depressed. I can't handle all of these feelings.
Its just making pace and stress for no reason. I need to stick to the plan I don't have room for all this extra. Plus you live far away in a completely different time zone. The time is always wrong. I mean its great and all that we get along, that with out words we understand. It is even slightly amusing that we share so much, even a shoe size. I must admit its a very tempting offer. But I can't. There is too much uncertainty and too much needed from me. In all honesty I am scared. I can't open myself up like that and be shot down. I would hate you for life. I don't want to hate you. I also don't want to love you. Why can't we just be friends? Are we to similar? Your smile, eyes, laugh it feels like I've know them all my life. Maybe because they remind me of my own. Your compassion is like mine. We even think along the same lines. But all that a side I can not be swayed in to fall for you. Okay admitting that I have fallen for you. At least out loud I won't say I'm in love
I don't know if you know this but I am Bisexual. Surprise!! But my use of the word is way more complex than the most common: I like boys and girls. It is true but it is so much more than that. Its also more complicated than the super queer definition: I am sexually attracted to boy and girls. Though also more or less true. I am Bi/Pan romantic: I am usually romantically attracted to people who identify as one of the two genders in the binary gender system; However, because I love a person not a gender and you just don't know a persons gender up front if I fall for someone who I later discover lies outside this system that's fine too. Then in top of that I am kinda demisexual kinda asexual, somewhere on the grey scale ( grey scale: scale of sexual attraction from asexual to sexual that includes demisexual and demiromantic). I wrote a post about wishing I was asexual and guess who got their wish? This bitch! Its actually really nice not being sexual attracted to anyone. But I think what I wanted is to be aromantic: not romanticly attracted to anyone. However, every once and a while I fall for someone and I want to do them, like knock their boots! But I have to like them romantically first, thus me being demisexual. But just cuz I like someone romantically doesn't mean I will be sexually attracted to them. Life is hard. I am not saying there isn't a sexual beast somewhere locked deep down inside of me but she hardly ever gets out. But when ahe does god help us. I get strong crazy sexual urges but they aren't directed to or caused by a person the urges are just there. Its like I was asexual yesterday and had been for two and a half years, what are these feelings in my pants! So when I say I am bisexual I mean I like people who fit into the binary gender system, but everyone is generally welcomed,; and I have to like someone romantically before jumping in to bed with them but just because I like you doesn't mean you can ride my motorcycle. Also there is a sexual monster that slumbers inside of me please do not wake her up.