Daily struggles

Having a major depressive episode when you have all the things to do. Do none of the things!

Dail struggle

Sometimes you just need to let yourself feel the pain.

Skitt: breathing

I have the perfect play list for this. Its three in the morning and most of my suit mates are sleep, 3 out of the 4. The pool is always empty this early. Its unusually bright to be so late. Its kind of strange, but at least I have my pick of beach chairs. Is it crazy that I lay out my towel like some else is going to see it? Put the music on and let's do this. I never really want to go swimming. I don't like getting wet. If I do go swimming I prefer to dive not swim. My least favorite thing to do is butterfly. But its 3 am and I am up. Going on 24 hours of being awake. And I'm at the pool and all my muscles want to swim is butterfly. My body is ready but my minds is like can we not and say we did. I know I need this. More mentally than physically. Its just been so long since I've been in a space like this. But I still remember what it was like, and how much worse the hell that came after it was. The worse part is I would trade the after effects, step three I guess, for the what ever I have been going through for the last two years. All of them are uniquely hellish. Its not the swimming that is bad. Its why I am swimming. If I don't get in if I just say here organizing this playlist then its not real. If I don't get in the water its not happening. But I plug the phone into the speaker and turn it almost all the way up, It is three in the morning. I walk to put on my cap then walk over to the water as I put on my goggles. Stretch a little bit, wait for the beat to drop before I dive in. Before my mind goes blank, I think to myself how nice to would be to be water. Cold and unfeeling yet able to move or resist movement, changing. Lap after lap I swim. Sometimes I swim to the beat of the music a slow steady beat. I feel picturesque swimming with the rhythm. I choose butterfly because it take the most out of me. It requires the most amount of muscle activity. It is supper difficult to do correctly. It sucks the life out of your body quicker than any other stroke. To do it fast is not to breath.  But it looks pretty if I do it right.  When its just me and the water and the music I don't think about anything. It all comes naturally my body does it like it was born to do. so.  I am pushing through everything. I can't breath and I can't possibly do one more stroke. I just want to quit and recover. But I don't stop I keep swimming. I am going to push until I can't anymore. Until it hurts. Until it hurts as much as I do. I swam so hard I could puke. But all that comes out is cry. From the pit of my stomach I let out of this cry of pain and anguish. Its long and loud. Out of breath and wheezing I can carry and hold a note clear as day. I swam till I couldn't move but I climbed out, threw my cap and goggles, fell to my knees and cried. So thirsty but I can't even get a sip in between choking on tears and sobbing. And I can't stop so I hit the floor because there is still more in me. Knuckles bruised and bloodied they match my kneed where I fell. The songs loops and plays again and again but I can't get up to turn it off I am frozen bloody, crying, cold, and hurting.  Laying down defeated by my own feelings, I consider spending the night on the hard pool deck title, I hear a noise through my sobs. Its the door opening slowly, cautiously. One foot step, not two not many. Just a single step, someone is very cautious. I haven't made a sound since I herd the door open I did sit up and wipe my face with my suit.  "Jay" SHIT! I was hoping it wasn't them. I was hoping it was anyone else but them. But now I have 5 seconds to choke down the sadness in my voice and reply. I need to sound okay. "Yeah?" I quickly grab the water bottle. I can drink and by myself some time to think. "You okay" did I not sound okay? "Ummhmm" No I am not fine. I am bloody cold and sad but they can't see that. "I was worried I couldn't find you. You didn't answer your phone, you didn't say you were leaving the hotel, you weren't at the bar.." I couldn't be at the bar. " you don't hook up so I guess you went for a swim but then you didn't come down after an hour so I came to see if you were actually here" I am a competitive distance swimmer. I could swim for hours they know this. But the concern is their voice is damming. I reach for the phone to turn off the music. Its 5 am. " I am so sorry I didn't realize I had been gone that long. I'll be down shortly. I think I'll skip the morning swim" I try to chuckle to make it seem like I am okay. To give the illusion that it is not what it looks like. I only turned to look at them to say sorry before turning right back around. But there was no way I could adjust and turn and they not see. Before I can stand they are running over. Why is my dam towel so far away. I had to make it pretty. " Jay what happened" even though I knew this question was coming I still don't know how to answer it. A fall would explain one knee but not both. Nothing I know of would explain my my hands are bloody. How to lie with out lying?  " its just scrapes its not as bad as it looks relax. If you could get my towel though" I can't lie if I don't answer the question. I hurt more than I could ever be in some kind of physical pain. " really cause your dripping blood" I have been bleeding for like 10mins if it was serious I would be dead. Plus no one bleeds to death from a scraped knee. Lamest way to die ever " I'll deal with it when I get back to the room" please don't ask me any more questions. Just let me be distant. " I am glad I found you, what brought you up here" so much. I was trying not to be up here and yet. I was trying not to come at all but you see how things turned out. I knew once I landed is Denver I would end up here. " would you believe if I said I was in love? Haha. sometime I just need to feel the water surround me. " just hand me my towel and don't look at me like that. their face is full of concern, disbelief, confusion, and a hit of wonder. I am in love and sometimes I do need to feel..., this is not one of those times. As soon as I get down stairs I am going to causally find my Ms Contin (morphine) and take 3 with a swig of Captain. " Are you sure your okay? Let me help you" If I pull away as fast as I can would they be offended? I don't want to be touched. I really don't want to move or sleep. I want to stay right here with the water and the music. I just need to swim. "Yeah I am fine. Can you take my stuff to the other end I want to do one more length" I don't even wait for a response cuz I know they will try to talk me out of it. I limp over to the side of the pool. I think my right knee is dam near shattered and doing much worst than the left. It will barely hold weight. I look like a horse stubborn and determined to run but has gone lame in one leg. Its sad really. " Sure I'll meet you at the other end." No cap. No goggles. No music. Just me and the water. But I can hear the song in my head would you believe me if I said I'm in love... My body is more than ready to dive into the water. It know what it is going to do and ignoring all pain it executes one of the prettiest start dives I've ever done. I play my first second in the water over and over. Because for a moment I felt nothing. I am going to swim until I can't feel and then keep swimming.

Daily struggles

I can't go to the LGBT film fest that starts tonight.

Skitt: misbehaving mistress

In a perfect world my mistresses would all get a long. In an ideal world even if my mistresses didn't get along with each other it wouldn't effect my relationship with them. But this is the real world, and when they fight it eventually makes it way to me. They want me to pick sides, or my support. I won't give it. I don't give a F*** about what they said about you or what they did cuz most of the time they brought it upon themselves and both of them are half right and very wrong. I will love you to piece and support you in every way I can but I will not choose between the two of my mistresses. Don't ask me to do it. It will not end well. Cuz I may love you till the dawn of a new time but I have a hierarchy for a reason. If there is not clear right person and the lower person is like its me or them then I'm not sorry, you can go. Your replaceable.  You might be one in a million but I'll have met a million new people by next week. The current fight is between mistress number one and mistress #5. They are both half right. Number one has a bad temper and hates almost everyone so he is always mad. Number five,  stripper, did mess up and I am mad at him but he didn't mess up enough to be kicked out. If number one was like he has to go. I would just slap him and say shut up you can settle your dispute with him however you want but he stays. They normally don't get to settle thing their way. Cuz if it got all the way to me and is disrupting my life, I am going to treat them like the children they are. But because Pool boy is number one, higher the totem pole than 5, I will let him decide how to handle it to appease him ( cuz he is more right than stripper, #5, but their both equally wrong). Just don't kill him, cripple him, or cause any permanent damage. If Stripper was like pool boy has to go I would be like you started it and I am not picking side so he is staying. If stripper insisted I would be like don't push me cuz I could kick you out just as easy. Think about how you want this to proceed and get back to me, I like you so hope you make the logical decision. I like both dudes and I hope they are able to end this with out me losing one of my long time friends or worse me having to slap a bitch.

Daily struggles

When you're in the middle of 3 legitimate post and all you want to do is wine. Pass the cheese please

Skit: chicken or the egg part 2

Are we born this way or is it a choice. I Believe I talked about it earlier when I just started blogging in a post called the chicken or the egg. I would like to revisit this topic now that I'm older, wiser, gayer (lol), and in light of the video that went viral when a teen came out to his family and was physically rejected. In response to that lots of youtubers have asked their viewer if they could choose would they choose to be gay or straight. That is such a load question, it doesn't seem like it. I mean it saying choose hetero or homo. As much as homosexuality isn't a life style, it is a culture and for those who choose to it be part of that culture it changes so much. If I was straight, I would worry about my financial future, if my mother found out I was gay I'd be cut off. I wouldn't worry about when and where I can where my rainbow bands. I couldn't be fired for my sexuality. I wouldn't know the first hand the blind hatred for something people don't understand. I wouldn't have missed years of church. Yes I am a religious Homo. I wouldn't be free to explore, understand, and challenge gender. I would know exactly which gender I was going to marry, and that I'd be in some sort of dress. I wouldn't have to worry about being out in public with my partner. Bringing someone home to meet the family would be difficult but not as much. I could donate blood. But if I was straight, I wouldn't know the undying resilience that is the human spirit. I wouldn't know the happiness and joy the Queer community has brought me. I wouldn't have these beautiful chosen families. I wouldn't know or understand how complex sexuality is. I wouldn't understand the fluidity of a person, and how evolution is a constant personal process. All of the terms and proper usage of words would be completely foreign to me. I wouldn't have this extreme sensitivity to language, tone, and expression. I would not have the ride or die friends I have now. I wouldn't have had the opportunities I have had: conferences, I know senators and governors, I've been on state boards, leadership opportunities, Travel, I've met movie stars, I got back stage pass to a concert cuz my now friend didn't believe I was old enough to be gay. I've had once in a lifetime opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I wasn't queer.  I don't know its a really hard question. If I could choose unconditional love, joy, and pure happiness like no other but being treated less than human, knowing the first hand the evil that lives with us, pure hate, violence, and fear or being "normal" never worrying my love would taken from me and never being persecuted for being myself but not knowing how truly beautiful humanity and the human spirit is and really not understanding love.  I would choose to be gay and do it all over again. I know that it gets so bad sometimes people want to take their own life. I know sometimes they are killed just because they are queer. I would face death and all of that pain just to have a fraction of they happiness I've known. Just like when I talked about it the first time I choose to be happy. Maybe when I started out (before I started writing) I would have chosen to be straight but I've known I was queer for 7 years now. Its not always rainbows and sunshine but my God is it beautiful after the storm.

Skittles: Hanging on and letting go

You know that moment where everything is in slow motion in movies. You can see every instant before the crash, every tear she cried on her way down, drop of blood being bled. There is an odd feeling of serenity about the whole thing. The cliche the quite before the storm, its a lie. From the outside there is a peace about the impending doom. But inside even as I seem to move in slow motion, every moment is a lifetime and it is still not enough. It is still too fast. My mind races so fast I struggle to keep up with it. I can feel myself gasping for air knowing that's its too late. In a short life time they will be filled with water. Every fabric in my being tenses in anticipation of the coming moments. Every tear she cried, all the blood shed. How did it get to this? How did I end up here? All I can think about is the past since I have the rare opportunity of knowing what my future holds. A year ago our place were reversed. Six month ago I got her to put the knife down and walk away. It takes so much to feel that much anger, the sadness and the pain and be able to still be able to put the knife down. To spare a life. Then never to go back to that lifestyle, to say this isn't me anymore. I was with her. To help her forgive. To learn to deal with the feeling. Every fucking tear she cried I was there to wipe it. Make her feel whole again. I was her rock. All the while I saw secretly bleeding. Crying out in the middle of the night so loud no one could hear me. I remember every drop like it was yesterday. So much shed I could fill this pool. I use to look over this pool and picture what it would be like to just let go and fall one day. I drawn so many pictures of it. The water so dark and calm it seems to draw in anyone who looks at it. The burning lilies on surface, living a wild fleeting life. The passions of the fire soon consume their beauty only leaving smoke and the lingering scent of something wonderful gone too soon. Just like in the movies. Every moment is a life time but it still isn't enough time. Its strangely relaxing to think about how there wasn't enough time for me, and yet there is so much of it. There will always be more time until there isn't any more. That last second is gone so fast. I hit the water. I can see the burning lilies under water and is even more beautiful down here than it is above. Truly a sight to die for.  In my all white, I've stopped time, I've dried tears, I've stop the blood from spilling. I hope they understand. And forgive me for what I've done, I wish it didn't hurt. I didn't do it to hurt them I just couldn't hang on any longer. In my all white I let go and it was beautiful

Skit: for the love of Football

Ray Ric was cut from Baltimore and suspended from the NFL today for knocking his fiancé out in an elevator in February. I don't want to debate whether or not the NFL knew about the tape or if they seem to switch songs now that this tape has come to the masses, that is not the point. He was fired for punching his fiancé's lights out. The lady married him a couple months later. My question is does he deserved to be punished if the victim obviously doesn't care. She didn't prosecute, she dropped the charges. She lied to cover it up. She married him. She doesn't want help. She doesn't want justice. She doesn't feel that a crime has been committed, no wrong to right. So should we stuff out like this to defend someone who doesn't want to be defended. If it was different if she wanted to sue or even say he needed help, then maybe. But this video should have been release and then it should have been Mrs. And Mr. Rice up there talking about how they have worked on this issue through counseling and how they are continuing to work on this issue now that they are married. How she loves her husband and how they are doing better than ever now. I think he should have been suspended but not cut is she isn't even going to speak out against him. I like that we are taking a stand against domestic violence though. I feel we have been very wishy washy about women's rights this year. The stand that NFL took not only on the behalf of Mrs. Rice, who didn't want it (but hey its the thought that count), but on how they deal with domestic violence is admirable. I believe that they set a precedence, companies follow the lead of others. I am interested to see what that means for the future, for the every day man out there who beats his wife.

Skitt: I want to be over it

I don't think I'm allowed to be pissed if a friend cancels plans and ask for some me time. I know your not allowed to be angry if your significant other cancel and opps for me time. You can be worried but not angry. So given that, I am wrong for being pissed that a friend who I love for canceling my trip cuz they want to be alone. But its their birthday!... And I should respect their wish because its their birthday. I know. But who doesn't get laid on their birthday. That's what they are for, to make sure after like 21 you at least get laid once a year until 33. And if I am not mistaken sex is a game with a minimum of two people. So they won't be alone!!!!! If I all do is get of the plane hug them, give them their gift, and go home I would be satisfied.  I can't even do that. They don't want to see me. So I am bitter. I am trying not to be bitter because that never ends well with me. I am considering not going to the Gala later in the year but then I wouldn't see them until February. That's to long. I need something that's pacifies my anger and satisfies my need see them. This is why I don't like people or go on dates, because I fall and they don't. Gravity sucks. It would be fine if I could love in space and either instantly die due to lack of satisfactory environmental conditions, or float around weightlessly, so when you fall you don't really get hurt. I just want to be with them, why is that so wrong? And I was going to do it this time. I was going to celebrate their birthday with them Friday night and most of Saturday. Then Saturday night tell them I like them, if this went really really well I'd stay till Sunday night/ Monday morning, if not I'd leave Saturday night/Sunday morning. Things don't have to go bad for me to leave, anything short of really really well would make me panic and leave. I finally figure out what I wanted to say kinda, I figured out the important parts. I don't know single person like you and I love our friendship because it unique for me to find a person I can relate to so well. But I have feelings for you and its harder for me to be your friend as we get closer. I'm not intentionally drawing away from you I'm just trying not to fall for my friend. Then we talk and I either stay or let them know I will be leaving tomorrow morning for what ever reason. But I am not going and I was finally able to muster up enough courage/booze (just in case I loose my courage) to tell them this carefully thought out " I like you". I also wanted to go cuz there is a lot of stuff going on in their life right now. I wanted to be there to be there for them. I can tell there is so much more going on then they are telling me. They aren't not telling me on purpose, its more telling me the truth would require them to be truthful with them self first, which is not something we as humans are necessarily willing to do all the time. They don't have to tell me though because I already know, I can feel them from miles away. And it makes my heart hurt because they are hurting. Is it so wrong for me to want to comfort my friend on their birthday. For me to feel pushed out by the person I love. I may not be warranted in my anger, but the pain and concern I feel is true.

Daily struggles

"You get hit on a lot to be so painfully single".... thanks

Daily struggles

Hot Queer directors

Daily struggle

Passive aggressively singing in the shower

Skittles: If Poe had a Chandelier...

Is it the social butterflies that end up like this? I thought we were suppose to OD on the high of our lives. Every week, every night, its a party with me. People want me to come out or come with me. Don't feel just dance. Let the music move you, let the alcohol flow in your veins. We aren't living for tomorrow, a day that never comes. Party like the sun is never going to rise again. Then walk home home in the warm after glow know you live yo see another night. And the sun beat you home. Don't know the meaning of rise and shine. Sleep all day, shower, eat, party, repeat. Living dangerously or stupidly, its a fine line that became too blurry to make out 3 drinks ago. Flirting with line, hoping the world makes the choice for you. Part of you is too smart to let go. Its still here, fighting for every breath, landing every step. It won't let you give up. Its that last little shred hanging on by moment. Its living for something you have long forgotten. But it remembers and it knows. Some part of you knows and it makes you sick to your stomach, every waking moment not spent pushing it down. You can run but when you pause to gasp for air all you get is a lungs full of smog and poison. Can't even see the person you use to be in the mirror anymore. It might be the dirt and the grime or the shroud of shame. Everything in left in your wake show the remnants of a good time. The mess of the dysfunction is to much to bare and the future has no light at the end of tunnel. Living for the moment, drinking for the moment, dancing for the moment. you look up at the lights so peaceful yet full of life and you want that. You want to be there. There is no tomorrow, and we can't bare the pain of yesterday. There is just now and those lights. Swing from the Chandelier, and live like never before. Ride the lights and feel the life in you. Climb, climb, climb. Don't look down, don't look back, there is nothing for you there. Fly free, cry out, and release it all to the night. Let the raven take you home tonight, swing from the chandelier. Exhale, Inhale, and a hard swallow. One more night. Not tonight. Pour me another. The room is spinning and its hard to tell if your losing or winning but I haven't lost yet. Its Hanging on for the moment so, fill my glass and pray tomorrow never comes.

Daily struggles

When blogger deletes your post was that was at least a page :( I am not writing it over.

Skittles: Animals.

I can run away from you. I cut you out of my life and left. I moved on and you say you did the same. But if that's true why are we here? Why can't we walk away? Are we drawn together? Or is is Instinct?  Your an addiction I can't seem to shake. Or is a nature I can't suppress? All the fight all the running, you've stripped me down, trying to get away from you. Run free. Let your spirit fly we both know where that leads. We'll keep starting over. There has to be more fish in the sea. But I seem to only have a taste for you. I can still hear you. The ghost of your voice echoes out from every part of my life. You haunt my dreams. Even when we are miles a part I can feel you. I close my eyes and I I can see and electric pulsing path that leads me back to you. It wines, twist, and turns, no matter the distances I am racing back to you. Its primal, like a wolf running in the forest, I can feel the wind rushing past my face. The dirt under my feet, the sweat dripping down my face. So close now I can smell you and it drives me wild. We don't even talk anymore, but I can't stay away. We can fuss and fight but we'll still be here. Because you'll never find anyone quite like me and there is only one of you. There is no where on this earth we can hide. The drive to hunt is carnal. We are just like animals.

Skit: being depressed and in love, a review

I read an article about what its like for someone to be depressed and in love. I actually read a lot if articles on the subject.  One thing I find that come up a lot is the irrational fear that their depression is one day going to push their partner of 5 years, 8 years, or 10 plus years away. I know its not rational, and to ask them to feel rationally about it is unfair. I just don't know what to say to that. They have been with you this long through the ugliest of times why would they leave now? But that's a rational thought. I am thankful my depression isn't like that. In the relationship I am completely confident and secure. Why would they leave me I'm awesome? I don't have fits of  crying. I don't really cry at all. I should probably cry more. But in my readings depressed people cry for no reason or reasons that don't make sense to them. My depression isn't like that at all. They also have times where they and their partner made plans in advance and when the time comes to carry out those plans its on one of their bad days. So they don't do whatever they were suppose to effectively canceling. I don't cancel unless I'm sick and dying or it wasn't that important. I pull it together. Someone is counting on me. I might be late but I'll be there.  My depression doesn't really affect my relationships outside my irritability. I have mood swings, but I try not to take my feelings out on the other person. It's not their fault and normally the reason for whatever I am feeling is irrational anyway. That, however, leads to feelings of distance, because I'm constantly pulling away. Unless my partner is really empathic they wouldn't know what I was feeling and I wouldn't tell them.  Most of the people I like are empathic and can sense my emotions. They already know and understand and that helps a lot because normally don't feel like talking about it. I don't want the entire relationship to be about the fact that I am depressed. I am depressed and I love and for the most part no one would know unless I told them. I act just like everyone else, but the love does effect my depression. I get so high of of the feeling of being in love that it basically cures me. Everything seems easier, lighter, and more like the way my life use to be. Eventually it just goes away. Depression is strange and is different for everyone. However it does seem like there is kind of a norm out there of what depression looks like and it is not the same as the common stereotype. Love is kinda similar hopefully not in a debilitating way and its strange and different for everyone. I would hope that people out there who read articles like this and the ones I've come across realizes this. You have your own depression so how you love or will be loved might be different. That is completely okay. We don't here its okay to be different enough so let me say it if your depression love isn't like mine but it works for you then your still doing it right.

Stay fierce

J Skittles

Daily struggles

Not being a pole dancer when I am wait at the bus stop and my favorite song comes on.

Daily struggles

Don't know whether to call it a science experiment or insanity. If its an experiment it sure is hell isn't ethical. But I would rather be unethical than crazy.