love letter to keys

I don't know how to start this because I don't know what to say. I don't want to come off too strong, but I don't want you to think I'm holding back. You asked for emotional vulnerability, which should be an excellent place to start. I love you with my whole heart already, and that's scary. Not because it's been such a short time but because it feels so right. I can't find anything that should send me running. Which makes me want to run. I'm not saying you don't have faults. You're perpetually late. You haven't cooked for me yet, but your knowledge of how to properly defrost meat makes me very suspicious of your abilities. You take on too much simultaneously and then need these breaks or need to catch up on future things instead of managing a consistent, sustainable load over more extended periods. I'm sure I'll learn more in the future, but this is just what I've noticed so far. In these faults, there's nothing toxic that would be bad for the health and longevity of our relationship. In fact, our relationship is the healthiest relationship I've ever had so far. You communicate your wants, needs, and boundaries with me. You reciprocate financially, emotionally, and physically (when I let you). You'll try new things if I ask you to. You actively try to make me feel safe. You support my well-being both mentally and physically by taking me to get massages and helping me practice meditation. You respect my boundaries and hold space for me. You see me in a way that is validating. I'm so happy while also constantly waiting for this to be ripped away from me. I am working on not being anxious about things that feel good. I'm just not there yet. However, this is helping me learn faster than I would have otherwise. Thank you for that. I'm not afraid to lose you. If you decided tomorrow it wasn't working, I would be so grateful for the time we got together. I think relationships can end amicably and still hurt like hell. But I would be in so much pain, and it is a pain I'm scared of. I am going to love you and fall deeper in love with you anyway. I don't want rings where we promise to stay together or not to hurt each other. Instead I want these rings to be a reminder to do the scary thing. Please continue to lean into pleasure, and I'll lean into vulnerability. 

Skit: Why do I love the people I do

What makes me love someone? What causes that initial spark? I think is a combination of things. Of course there's the physical again attraction at first sight. But that's not true for everyone I loved. I think what hold true for everyone is an initial interest. The question of who's that? Intrigue. I think there's also my desire to figure them out. There is something interesting about them I want to know. They always remind me of myself or something I went through. They reflect part of me. I usually find out about their trauma and want to fix them. Who hurt you? Let me take care of you. Nine times out of ten they don't feel the same way about me. 

So what made me fall for the one I never named? She was friendly and the first person my friend introduced me to at the funeral. She was having relationship issues but was very secretive about it. She was depressed and lost at 24 and that was me. There was to much trauma for me to even try to summarize. She was interesting and broken. And I wanted to help her find her way as I wish someone would have helped me. 

Skit: Amoriartii is gone

So my ex Amoriartii got caught stealing at least three suits cases from three separate airports. I'm being vague for privacy reasons. I obviously have qualms and stealing people's luggage. I would like to first say I definitely believe in stealing from rich conglomerates in that abuse their employees and don't compensate them enough to allow for a decent standard of living. Screw those companies and their wealthy shareholder/ owners. I also believe in stealing grossly wealthy individuals. There's no way it is possible earn a certain amount of money without exploiting and extorting people. I think if one has more money than could ever be ethical it's fine to steal from them. But that's like a handful of people and probably does not include the three people who my ex stole from. They had money but not to the point where it's eat the rich money. Righteously stealing from people is difficult it requires a lot of fact checking and investigation. But I digress. 

I wanted to write this because I'm ultimately heartbroken. Amoriartii is very white passing. So for all intense and purposes can be categorized as white and probably wants to be white. I can't believe that they would steal from a black immigrant. I know not all immigrants are poor. I know not all black people are poor. This is about class but it is more about race I think. I'm trying to work out my position, feelings, and thoughts on this while I write this.  One if the victims is black and is immigrant. This being America that already sets up a power dynamic between Amoriartii and her. I'm not saying Amoriartii is richer than her it may be the other way around I don't assume to know. What I do know is she is not wealthy enough to make the stealing ethical or feel good. I also know that Amoriartii is not poor enough to need to steal luggage from people for financial reasons. So that analyzes the class aspect of this.  

What I think is ultimately upsetting me is that Amoriartii stole from at least one black women. I do not know the ethnicities of the other two. I think Amoriartii targeted her and her bag in particular. How did they do it? I don't know. Why did they do it? I also didn't know. But I do not think they took a random bag off of the carousel and just took a one in a million chance. They would have had to have been taking at least one bag from every flight they ever took, going to check the bag in the bathroom, and then returning it if they didn't like it if that was the plan. I know they fly a lot so it's possible that that was the plan but it just doesn't seem realistic. I think they would have gotten caught way sooner. They have been doing this since we broke up. So for about five years. They might have been doing it while we were together but it doesn't seem like it. Because all the victims are women. They seem to be after women's clothing, jewelry, and makeup. I knew their closet like the back of my hand when we were dating and they had very few women's pieces. Mostly what we got together. 

Anyway, they went out of their way to steal this black lady's luggage. I think they knew she was black and maybe also that she was a fashion designer. As a white AMAB person, they already have all the money, power, land, and resources. What more could you want? Everything and  the world too? To steal from a black women to me says you don't see the years of inequity, inequality, and injustice that black people especially black women have faced in America for years. And you also don't see how that has affected black women over the generations. And I will let it go that it hasn't affected this particular black woman over the generations in the same way because she is an immigrant she's not of the diaspora. However she's from Africa a continent that was plundered, pillage, colonized, abused, and exploited for resources. She is not from one of the countries few countries that did not experience the full negative effect of colonization or white people. So generational disadvantages and generational trauma still apply to her just in a slightly different way.

I felt so seen by them when we were together. I felt like we were the same person just in different bodies. I felt like they understood me and where it came from. And now I feel either lied to or betrayed. Because either they didn't know me they, didn't understand my struggles as a black person. Or they understand and did it anyway. I understand the rush of exploding your privilege. I do the same thing abroad. It is an extreme privilege to be an American. To have that American passport means that other places will give you the benefit of the doubt and will let you get away with things. You can commit wrongdoings and face no consequences. That is fun and addictive as all get out. But I try to do it in a way where I'm only hurting those more privilege than me. Like the very small things I do do not have any consequences for individuals, just countries or companies. But I think to use your privilege in a way that deliberately hurts people who have less privilege than you is wrong. 

So it hurts me that they would do this. It makes me feel disrespected. Like if they could do it to her they could do it to me. It's been five years and people change. I noticed they were changing after they had been in DC for two years. Maybe the person I love doesn't exist anymore. I wanted to believe that part of that person, even if it was just a small sliver, was still there. But I don't think that's possible. The person I love wouldn't do this. So the person I love must be gone. 

skit: when Velvet comes back

So Velvet and I aren't friends anymore. They decided that due to my job it was too taxing on their mental health. They didn't like being secret friends either. I asked them if I told my job about our friendship if they would want to stay friends and they said no. I don't know how much more of a supportive friend I could be. We've gone through a lot together in this past 10 months. We were incredibly close and I am heartbroken and distraught that we aren't friends anymore. My therapist asked me what I would do if they came back and so that's what the rest of this is going to be about.

If Velvet came back I don't think I would care. They have pushed me away too many times for me to take them back again. I never stop being friends with people if we don't talk because to me we're still friends. Even if I don't see the person I still consider them a friend. If we stop being friends then you're dead to me and you're worse off than a stranger. For me an ex-friend is someone I used to love and no longer have a place for in my heart thus no longer have room for my life. The only way I know how to make it stop hurting when a friend leaves is to basically kill them off mentally. I mourn them as if they died and they don't exist anymore to me. It won't be any different for them. I want it to be easier because I feel like I should be preparing for their death. They keep telling me that they're going to die. But it's different losing them when they're still alive and they only have so much longer. I feel like it makes it hurt that much more that they don't want to spend the rest of their life with me. So even if they came back and only had a little time left I don't think I could handle losing them as a friend and then them dying. That is too much for me to go through. I can only be destroyed so many times. Its more than just bitterness in me saying you've made your bed now lie in it. I don't want to be friends with somebody who can so easily dispose of me. I can't get past the fact that Velvet knows me and knew this would hurt me and did it anyway. So they say it's for their best it better be because there's no coming back. I hope they can live with their choice because I have made mine.