It is hard for me to write this. Torn between professionalism and my deep love for each of you individually, I struggle not only with words but tone. So I write this, my letter of resignation, as private, intimate, and extremely personal break up letter. I am sorry. I am sorry for the hurt I am causing. I am sorry for sending KU to its all but certain death. I am trying to write this without excuses. I want to write it were I take 100% accountability for my actions. I messed up and deeply hurt someone I love with my actions, intentions aside, that is the truth and the point. Those actions, that moment, even now having drawn to a close, continues to hurt people. Each of you have become unwilling collateral damage. The people I will never reach, help, teach, etc have also been robbed and hurt. My love and respect for everyone involed, my ex and each of you is why I must leave. Abusers, regardless of thier intentions, have no place in our work. My presence is no longer a neutral one, I now jeopardize the safe space we try and create in our work. If I make someone uncomfortable because of my actions, my mistake, I must be removed. I love each of you so much to not burden you with the penance I must now pay. I have loved almost every moment I had the privilege of being your fearless leader. I love and cherish every moment I spent learning, growing, laughing, and bonding with each of you. I will miss this so much. There is so much I wanted to do. KU deserves better. KU deserves something I am no longer capable of giving it. I will only hurt KU by staying so I must leave. When you love something, or some ones, its/ thier happiness is just as important as your own. I want KU, you all, to be happy, with or without me, whatever KU/ you all need. In order to do what it does, I must leave KU. I leave becuase I love KU. I love KU selflessly. I love KU because I love all of you. I leave becuase I respect all of you. Know that my love, even through no longer present, never waivers. It does not diminish. It is as strong today as it were yesterday, as it will be tomorrow. My love endures. Never doubt that I love KU, never doubt that I love all of you.
From the bottom of an overflowing heart,
J Skittles.
This, or some version of this, will eventually be sent. My now ex girl friend says I raped her. I do not deny the claim. I only want to add it is more complicated than it appears. In the future when she makes her claim public that is all I will say on the matter. I am not here for people sympathizing with rape perpetrators. This is not about me. The community's energy is better spent focusing on healing my ex. Helping her over come trauma. I refuse to take away from that. In turn being labeled an abuser I must leave projects, groups, and KU. There is no space for abusers in the spaces I use to inhabit.
Here however, I will speak because I have the space to do so without taking away. She says I raped her. I do not deny it. Her truth is based on the fact that during sex (after we had already started and where rather in the middle of things) she told me to slow down and wait. I did not because over the noise of the night, myself, and the music I didn't hear her. I herd nothing until she asked me if we could take a break, to which I of course said yes and stopped. To me when someone in kink ask/ tells me to slow down that means pause and check in unless otherwise agreed upon. Wait to me means the same thing. She knows this and I failed to do so because I didn't hear her. I did not intend to rape her, but I did. So it is not as clear cut as it may seems. When I herd her I acknowledged and stopped. I did not ignore her. But I am still responsible so I agree, I did rape her.
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