I know you want me to go back to college full time next year and finish my degree. I want to. I wish it were that easy. I wish it was as easy to go to school and work as it is for you to see me go spend time with my friends. I know that you think that if I take better care of myself I'll get better. Its not that simple. The problem isn't not wanting to get out of bed. The problem isn't not eating. The problem isn't my daily hygiene. It's not that simple. I know you believe that if I just commit to those few things. Make it a habit that I will magically change. I want to. However, some days getting out of bed is the problem. I know that staying in the bed is usually the problem. Getting out of bed is also a problem. It takes so much energy to shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and wear clothes that are clean and not wrinkled. Looking presentable is a war, not a battle, not a fight, not a debate. A war I'm not willing to wage everyday. It requires too many resources that I'm already running low on. Some days, too many days, all that I have in me is to eat, drink water, and take my meds. I can fake it. I can force it. There have been days, where at the cost of my mental health, I left the house. I forfilled my obligations. I spend days, sometimes a couple of weeks, recovering from that damage. But what happens when I have to leave the house before I can fully recover. I dig myself a deeper hole. I get a little worse. Mental health is a slippery slope. I can only go down so far before I'm falling uncontrollably.
I know it's hard for you to understand when I seem like such the socialite. I make plans months in advance already not wanting to go. My social calendar is triple booked everyday. I make so many plans that maybe by chance I'll feel guilty on a day when I have the engery to go out and I'll actually go. I usually wake up not wanting to do anything. I regret going while I'm getting ready. I think about turning back the entire way there. Its so hard to have fun when you feel nothing. Its so hard to have fun when you feel miserable. Its so hard to have fun when you feel like you don't deserve to. Its so hard to have fun when your not sure you have the energy to have fun by the time you get there.
I need to leave the house and do things I know I should enjoy. I need to leave the house and be with people who understand me. I need to leave the house and be with people don't know I have depression, and treat me like a real person. I need to leave the house and be with people who enjoy my company. I need to leave the house and be with people who care about me. I need to leave the house to remind myself that I'm not alone. I leave and people understand. I need to leave the house to play an active role in my life. I need to leave the house to prove to myself it's worth being alive.
I know you love me, I know mom loves me. But neither of you help me emotionally. You don't understand and most of the time you make it worse. That's okay.
So, No, I'm not going back to school next year. For now I can only handle two classes at a time. I am taking three right now and my mental health is the worst its ever been. I had psychotic break in class. See the thing is it's hard to recover when you keep experiencing the same trauma. I know I'm not alone here. I wasn't down there either. I know I have a treatment team here. I had one down there as well. I also had Myles and I don't have him here. I know its hard for you to understand. It was not just the school, the location, my disdain for being there, the program, or the size. It was the fact that it was too much for me to handle. It's still too much for me to handle. It is like when a women who was beaten by her partner leaves the living situation. She starts treatment and slowly begins to get better. What about when she goes back to work? They run a business together and it is going to take the time to buy out her ex. Instead of extreme phyical assault it might be verbal abuse or minor phyical assault. How do you heal from the thing that keeps traumatizing you? This is not me saying I'm done with school. I'm going to take 2 classes at a time until I'm done or can do better. I'm going to finish one day. I'm not quiting it just needs to be on my terms.
I know you think I'm misguided with a little energy that I do have. "All you do is get on planes." I know you think I'm running away from my life. That I'm avoiding my problems. I'm not. Did you know that when I get on planes that the only time I do laundry? I wash my clothes, my sheets, the towels. When I get on a plane that might be the first time in months that I've changed my sheets. That there aren't dirty clothes on my floor. That I took the time to fold everything and put it away. Did you know I always go see my doctors before I leave? Especially if I'm going aboard. I might not get a physical unless I'm planning to leave the country. Did you know I get my teeth whitened and I go to the dentist around my conference schedule? I almost didn't go this fall because my fall conference got cancelled. Did you know I get a new pair of glasses for my new year's eve outfit? Did you know I buy new underwear before my summer trips? Did you know that I wake up at a reasonable hour when I'm traveling? Do you know that I have the best hygiene when I'm gone? I shower everyday, brush my teeth, do my hair. If I happen to get too sweaty or dirty while I'm out I come home and I take another shower. That I wash my hair before every trip? Did you know that before I went to go see my friend for that movie night and I had not gotten a good night sleep in a month? Did you know when I'm away I usually only need 8.5 hours of sleep and I feel rested instead of 10 and still feeling dead? Did you know that that night I slept exactly 8 hours and I woke up feeling alive. I woke up without an alarm. Did you know I actually eat when I'm away? I actually eat healthy when I'm away. I rarely have fast food when I'm visiting friends. We usually don't go out to eat I love to cook for my friends. They buy the groceries but I make sure we have a healthy meal, that means lots of vegetables. Did you know we buy fruit for snacks while were're at the grocery store? I seem to only eat fruits when I'm gone. Did you know I hardly ever experience symptoms while I'm away? When I do it feels like a cat sitting on my lap istead of a mountain crushing me. They always subside after I get my day going. Its not me powering through despite the symptoms. The symptoms actually go away. Did you know that I normally return from a trip recharged? I not only feel better while I'm gone but for a while, after I get back, minus conferences. I use to travel every other month-ish for three or four days. 9 times out of 10 I returned better, the 1 being a confernce. Did you know I'm not running from life I'm trying to live it? I found this made my home life, school work, and work better. I'm not escaping, I'm self medicating.
I know you don't understand. I don't get all of it either. I wish I could explain. I don't have the words. I look in the mirror and I don't know who I am anymore. I recognize my physical appearance but it's not me. I don't know this person that I've become. I don't know if I'm still there most of the time. My illness has taken over. I'm zombie. I should be dead. I feel like part of me died. Now I'm just stumbling through life trying to survive. Trying to bring what's left of me back from the dead. It would be easy to say I'm fighting this illness that has taken over my body, killed part of me, and is trying to finish off the job. However, this illness hasn't always been so nasty and demented. I recognize it. Its me. I have always wanted to die. One of my earliest memories is of me crying in my room, I think I'm about 7. I am in the smallest nook I could find. I am crying myself to sleep after a beating from mom. I am saying my nightly prayer, "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray to Lord my soul to keep." I changed it though, "Please let me die before I wake. I commit my soul willingly for the Lord to take." I prayed to die. When I still prayed regularly I prayed to die all the time. I have wanted to die since I was at least 7. I don't know why. But this longing is as familiar to me as my own name or my asthmatic lungs. I've never known life without it. I don't know if I can be cured from myself.
I know you want me to get better. I do to. I miss being happy. I miss my emotions not wreaking havoc on my life. I miss not being anxious, and just picking because I was bored and fixating because of the adderall. I miss being able to exist in the quiet. I have not experienced silence without doing something for longer than I can remember. I used to love sitting outside listening to the wind. I used to talk to the wind. I could just be alone with my own thoughts. My mind is now a scary place that I haven't visited for a long time. I miss feeling rested. I miss feeling alive. I miss enjoying things. I miss having energy. I miss being curious. I miss talking to you. I know I still can but it's not the same. I talked to you about my interest I need to have interest again. I miss having passion, drive, and motivation. I miss my will to do things just because I wanted to. I miss being empathic. All I can feel now is myself and I'm done with that. I know you want me to live trust me I miss living.
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