Skitt: until the river refuse to run, I love with a thousand suns

"You hold your heart while your sleeping." I guess there are worse ways to start off a conversation. "You startled me." "I seem to startle you every time I wake you up. And you hold your heart while you're asleep." But I can't think of a better way to start off my mornings. Secretly, I love waking up to their face in the morning. It might be what I live for, those 8 days out if the year where I get to wake up to them. Those rare days where I wake in their place and everything smells like them. It feels like them. There might be one day out of a year when we fall asleep together. They fall asleep first. My mind rushing with thoughts, worrying about every little thing in the silence of the night. I swear sometimes I think they can hear me thinking, which only makes me worry more. This goddess that exudes confidence is often too self conscious to sleep. So I fall asleep first most nights, while they are still out. Then when they come in it wakes me up and I often don't sleep the rest of the night. I am usually up first. I go for a swim most mornings to burn off all my nervous energy. Bring them breakfast while they're still asleep. My soft music and the sound of running water wakes them up. I am normally and ready to start my day by the time they're done eating. But once every blue moon I sleep, and they wake me up. I think they watch me sleep. Not that I mind, but I can see it. They roll over and just look at me for a minuet or two before waking me. What on earth they could be thinking while doing this is beyond me. But apparently they find sleeping me intriguing, "you hold your heart, with both hands, while sleeping." "it hurts. So I hold it, like a child holding a cut finger." Its true. I find that the world I live in is bitter sweet. Giving me just enough to want more, and a little more to get me hooked, but never enough to satisfy. My dreams are more like beautiful nightmares. A fantasy land so real, giving me exactly what I want. Only to wake and find none of it was real. Sucker punched night after night. Dreams so salty and sour are truly the cruelest tricks. "oh, I'm sorry. Someone broke it?" If only it was that easy. Broken piece can be mended in time. The process of mending takes just as long as healing and learning from each broken piece.  This is more like slow torture. Making superficial wounds and picking at them every day. Never allowing them to heal. They fester and grow. Salting them every so often so its never too bad. Just very painful. "no, both hands are there to protect my heart." "if no one broke it and you protect it, why does your heart hurt" no matter what I do I can't help falling in love. I choose to believe there are somethings you just can't control. Matters of the heart are one of those things. Why does it love who it loves? Why doesn't it love what's good for it? Why don't we ever agree with it? Why does the grinning bobcat grin? I love with a passion so fierce it hurts. " why is a moth drawn to a flame" they look at me and kiss my nose. I blush of course, hiding my face from them under the covers. I come out to them softly chuckling at me. I kiss them and start me day. Humming and floating about just as I do every morning with them. I am never so happy as I am these few days I spend with them. I softly sing to myself as I start the shower. Just as the water hits my face I wake up heart in hand.

Daily struggles

Not being able to definitively we say you're getting worse I feel like you're getting worse. I would trade depression for cancer. I would rather have something physically wrong with me so I can track the progress. Also I would get a wish and bracelet. Time spent washing hair would be replaced with hospital visit. And cancer is generally easier for people to accept and deal with.

Skit: full circle

I am compelled to write today. It has been my go to coping mechanism for dealing with the feels as I don't know what I would draw so I can't do artsy things. I just did my hair so swimming is out of the question for a couple of days. I might break down by the end of the week and get some board time in. Its been a minuet since I done some diving so it would probably be good for me. I have wanted to examine queerness for a while so I might churn that out tonight. I always write about the boys the boys the boys;The people in general. But there is something there tonight. Not just my normal superficial wine. I just can't figure out what... It might be because I am  home, you that's always fun. It should be easier for me to find my center and reach peace in a room I've known for 18 yrs of my life. These walls are more familiar to me than my own. The layout poorly utilizes space and creates small crawl spaces. Smaller nooks that have a more specific function. With my eyes closed I can make it to my zen garden, rake it, move to my corner (a space that fits me like a glove), climb over the dresser to the miniature library, then tumble out of my reading hammock and land in my "A Monday morning in December" cave of warming. But I a last, I think I would find more comfort in a hotel room in a strange city. Familiarity brings its own emotional baggage. I could paint, get brand new furniture, new flooring, but the walls would still stink of the pass. And I, like many people find it hard for to be at home. Its like trying to squeeze into something you've out grown. Leaving, avoiding and my personal favorite drinking don't make it any better. Sometimes, rarely is this the case, you can take your emotions and bury them, and they will stay buried. ( because you never returned to unintentionally unearth them.) It doesn't worked that way with home. You have you a proverbial elephant as a permanent resident in the living room. I am learning that coping is different from riding it out is different from starting the processes of dealing with the feels. In a strange city I could cope with my feelings by exploring. I could feel them by going for a run or swim based on what I packed. (fun fact: I hardly ever travel without a swim suit, cap, and googles. I am more likely to forget PJs or a toiletry) Or I could begin to deal with my feelings. I find that it its harder to do at home because there are so many feelings seeped in to the walls already that it is as if they are going to burst at the seems. We have two choices avoided the feelings or deal with them. My continuance to avoid feelings and try to be more like Spock has made my house an emotional death trap much like quick sand. I have finally chosen to deal with all the feelings I have put aside all these years because I need to deal with the emotional mess I am in now as well. If you have also chosen to deal with you feelings (even a small specific chunk) go you, and I have no more words for you right now. Everyone deals with feelings differently and since I am new to this I am defiantly out of my league. I don't even know where to start or how but I do know you will have successfully dealt with your emotions when you feel a since of resolve about the whole thing and arrive at some kind of peace. If you haven't chosen this option, get it together. Go out get yourself some big people pants or adult pants. Put them on. Deal with your feelings. Its hard and difficult and you probably are never really going to want to do it but you will feel better in the end. If you have ever had to carry something large and awkward all day how nice was it to finally be rid of it at the end of the day? To deal with your emotions is to never have to face that situation and feel the way you do about it again. You will have peace of mind about it so it will no longer be this dreaded experience. Nothing really goes away till you deal with it.  Gordic is my example of this. Yes all this was coming back to the boys. I didn't really deal with my feelings for him, like I did with Etsy. I have learned so much about what not to do with Gordic and it is helping me with Amoriartii. I really need to actually close the book on Gordic. I know I said I did but I lied. No surprise there ( see post I'm a liar). However, at every turn my feelings for him come back to bite me on the ass. I don't want to deal because I would need to talk to him. I don't want to talk because things are weird between us. Things are weird because of my emotions. This is what happens when you don't put on your adult pants and handle your business. You find yourself at home sinking in metaphorical quick sand having to face years of feelings to get to the problem at hand because when it was just that one problem it seemed like too much and overwhelmed you. The road to being healthy doesn't always make you happy but you will be happy when your healthy. It is process to dealing with feelings and time will vary but I support you and those around you will probably support you as well ( if they are decent people). We would all be happier and the world might not be so messed up if we all dealt with our emotional baggage. I am going to deal with mine before then end of the school I want you to look at your life and see if there is something you feel like you can tackle like a laptop bag of emotions. However small or large it is a step in the right direction. And that's something right? I will share with you a quote from when I took AP physics my sophomore year in High School. " yesterday we learned how to stand up. Today we Carpe Diem and learn to fly. (after failing miserably) Later we look back on our zeal and all be it foolishness and think to our self maybe we should have learned to walk first" the moral of this story that is we learned to stand and Latin in 48 hours the sky is the limit so we could have done anything but fly. Real moral of the story is starting small works just as well.

Stay fierce

J-Skittles

Daily struggles

When your feelings are so mixed you can't begin to sort them out. You just have to deal with them all at once like a bad stew

Skit: Gordic Gryffindor

Dear Gordic,
       I have recently found out from my friend that they showed you my blog about year and half ago. I find myself wondering if you still read it. If your still curious about me. If you still wonder how I am doing? If you wonder if I think about you. You're one of the only people I know I would willingly let read this blog. I probably would have eventually told you about it. I still look at your tumblr every once and a while. No, I don't still have the password I just like to look at it. It is comforting in a way.  I don't quite know what to say. You have known all this time and didn't say anything. You know how I feel about you. You knew I lied when you asked me about Myles. You knew I was jealous of Tiffany (girls generation), and you knew why. I know I was right about you and Tiffany too. I feel satisfied and pissed(jealous). You knew. I don't know why I just didn't tell you when you asked. I don't know why I let things get so bad. I don't know why I didn't say goodbye. But you were always so patient with me. When I was mean to you, you weren't mean back. Thank you. I owe you so much for how you treated me this year and how awful I was to you. If I had the confidence I would tell you face to face. However, their is so much distance between us now we can't even sit in the same room alone together and be nice. (Remember that time we sat in silence in the center for an hour). Its all my fault. You mean so much to me even when I am angry at you. I like Book of Mormon  but not enough to spend $300 on a day in Chicago to see it. I went for the two hour car ride back. That was the highlight of my day. That was worth it. I still am afraid of telling you I like you. Even though you know. I will say I am sorry next time I see you. I hope you still have some forgiveness left. I am sorry for lying, for spreading rumors, for being mean and for hurting your feelings. You deserve better than that. We still should probably talk face to face, maybe work it all out. Because under everything and through it all I still care about you. I want you to be happy and I miss talking to you. Would you believe me if I said you're still the person I trust the most. Don't let me fool you, your words still mean a great deal to me. I listen when you talk. And I worry about you from a far. I want to cheer you up after a shitty test and I want to know how your doing. Your still the only one I allow to call me Jess. I don't know if we can ever be friends again. But if we can talk this out one day face to face, and you still want to, I will try to be the good friend I use to be.

J-Skittles

Daily struggle

Struggles of my future and my past: We can't help who we fall for. If we could I wouldn't be here with you.

* I thought as humans we are suppose to learn from our mistakes*

Skitt: friendship X/

I hate being the good friend. I am the one people come to in their time of need. I am the one you eat ice cream and watch netflix with. I am the shoulder that gets cried on. I am the ear that listens. It seems to be my only function in everyone's life. Normally I don't mind and rather enjoy it because it has its advantages like deep dark secrets. But sometimes I want to be more than the good the good friend. It always happens to the friend that needs me to be the good friend the most. They need me to be their rock and all I want to do is hold them and never let go.  I sit across from them on the coach and hand them tissues to wipe their eyes but I want to dry their tears. I want to make sure they never feel that way again not just be there to pick up the pieces. I want to tell them that they are loved more than they think they are. That someone cares about them more than they realize. I dream about being with them when we are apart. I long to get closer when we are together. But they need a friend so I put up the walls, and unknowingly they keep tearing them down. I push them away but they keep getting closer. It hurts so much to keep myself from them. I want to be with them and I can't and on top of that I have to be the one to keep them away because they don't know and I can't tell them. Simple nice things that they do because by now we are good friends makes me cry. I get to the point where I can't take it anymore. I love them and I'd die to be with them. The joy they bring me is indescribable but so is the pain of being with them like this. I don't want to hurt them or ruin our friendship with my petty jealousy. So I push them away for good. We fight and they don't know why we are fighting or why I'm angry. I avoid them and they don't know why. They feel hurt and betrayed. But its all I can do to keep from telling them. Or worse from doing something to hurt them because they did something, unaware that it hurt me. Every fight from them on I have to make sure it doesn't slip. That I win. All it takes is that one fight when they are so angry and so hurt and they ask me why? Because I love you!! And I can't stop loving you. And its hurting me to love you. So I need them to keep their distance. So they never know. Why their good friend left them and all of a sudden started hating them. I don't hate them. I love them and hate what I become. I hate that I can't love them but do. I hate being the good friend who could never tell them. Because I am suppose to eat ice cream and pizza. Watch Netflix and play video games. Be the shoulder to cry on and the ear listens. The one who is always there for you. Respects you. Tells you truth. Makes you laugh and brighten yours day. Dries your eyes. But not the one that loves you. ;(

Skit: my ruthless authoritarian dictator ship

As you may or may not know I don't simply have friends. Or at least not gay ones. I possess or rule and organize several harems. My central and original harem is my Chicago harem aka husbands and mistresses it has about 27 members. My my third or fourth but second in command QUIUC harem I refer to as my kingdom I would estimate about 30 in that one. My second harem and by far smallest is east coast with 10.  Third or fourth and least favorite is the west coast harem with 20. Newest is the fifth and probably my favorite harem Queer International with about 25. There is a small lesbian posse but they do not count as members of the group must identify as queer males. There are a couple exceptions but that is my fault for mis-gendering them and indoctrinating them before I ask them how they identified. Once your in you can't be kicked out for no longer identifying as male or queer. I get mixed feelings to say the least from people outside the harems about how people in them are treated. Most are negative and the rest are undecided and confused. People feel that it is wrong for me to refuse to call people by their names and only call them what I have named them. The names can be whatever I want, some sound degrading. I do call them by whatever I have named them on here, on my phone, and around my friends but never out in public. They also think I am ruthless in my way of speaking to them and that I must abuse them because they are some what intimidated and fear full of punishment.  It is not uncommon to see my bark order at my friends and not explain or say please. I normally do say thank you and show my appreciation of my friends often. If I don't seem to do extra for them it is because they require so much already. All of them are spoiled. In the group you do what I say, when I say it, how I said to do it and you don't question. You may ask why later but in the moment you do not. No one gets left behind or forgotten. If it is your problem then it is also my problem. You can always come to me and I will come for you. Loyalty, honestly, and trust above all else. That is it. That is all I expect from them. I will give them anything with in my power to give and help them acquire what is not. But some people still think I am evil and dehumanizing that I own and control these people. During market days, which I attended with some of my kingdom and some of my mistress, we talked about how they feel being inside the group, over gelato of course.  The Fireman ,one of the last to be join the mistress so I have only know him for about 2 yrs, brought it up. *side note* the the husbands and mistresses have a cap at  27 there will never be anymore. My kingdom I will cap at the end of next year because I no longer attend that school. All the other groups can continue to grow ** We were just sitting and talking when all of a sudden he said " every time I am with you, I feel so happy, loved, and alive. I am so glad to be one of your gays, it is the most validating feeling ever." Some other guys I was with agreed. The bouncer, from the kingdom, added " I don't know how she deals with you all up here but when she is with us, she takes care of us, listens, treats us to things every once and a while, and keeps us out of trouble." The Artist implied that up here I run a gay mafia and that the kingdom is just a small part of it, the prostitution ring. We laughed and I said when ever a harem meets members from another harem they always think the other harem is more attractive than their own. "I love bad ******* its a ******* problem." It got me thinking who is right do I really dehumanize my friends or do I offer them something few people can understand or will ever experience. They respond to what I have named them and only two actually dislike their names. Keelan and Keith (those are their nicknames and their names, just cuz I can). Everyone else either feels pride in their name like President Who, Emperor Zo, Twink 1, Bitch, Prostitute 1 (is what it translates to in English), and better than a finger bang, BFB for short. Or gives me friendly shit about their name such as the pool boy, AA ( cusin actually gives me shit about it, not AA himself), Papa Gayleb, Kevi, and Tiny Asian Freshman, Taf for short ( cuz his nicknamee is longer than his real name). All of the harems call me by my name except for the Kingdom, they call me Queen. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have favorites, but no one is treated worse than another for not being the favorite. I normally spend the most time with them. So pool boy, Taf, Gaysha, Jer bear, the artist, Julius, Australian Boska, ect. You will be touched. I don't think there is a person in my harem who I haven't felt up... I normally don't do it to be sexual or anything like that. I do invade their personal space. They don't invade mine. But nobody seems to mine that either. No, I don't feel entitled to their body or their space but more a comfortable and familiarity that allows me to invade it and feel more connected, bonding, with my friend. It would be one thing if they didn't like it but they all seem indifferent to it.   "So do what you want, what you want to my body do. Do what you want don't stop let's party." We feel safe when we are together. Free of violence. Not necessarily free of judgement, but no fear of rejection because we are free from unacceptance. we know that all people in this space are kind of like us, and want the same things, are after the same things. and normally are queer men. We can be who we are and be accepted no matter what. You might be questioned but not in a scrutininess way, more an investigation to lead to better understanding of the person. We want to understand, exchange, and love. Everyone in the harem may not know those are the fundamental principals but it shows on every occasion that we are together. It is one of the only times I know of were my friends don't have to have their guards up. Even when there is someone new, they trust that because we all know the type of space this is and how rare it is, that no one would want to poison it. So we can trust the new comer. It also goes with do what I say, when I say it, and trust. If I said they are cool then they are. Now not everyone in the harem gets along. Things don't always work out and people are punished accordingly for a variety of things but mostly not listening. Yes, I punish them because things don't work with out order and this is the only time where it creates this power dynamic of me over them. Certain situations call for a leader when we are together and such a situation arises I am that leader. When someone doesn't listen depending on what its about its not just a slap on the wrist. Everybody is different and nobody learns the same so just because one person get isolated for a month doesn't mean that I am going to do the same thing to another person when they commit the same offense. When people listen and believe me things go their way, when they don't then they suffer in a way tailor made for them. There was going to be a fight because some thug disrespected on of my friends and he wasn't going to drop it. This has happened twice with two different outcomes. In one the LG was disrespected I told him to wait for my signal and then he could have his revenge with in reason. Lg waited I told him to go play pool he didn't understand but did it. I brought the guy who disrespected my friend in a corner, I was talking to him, trying to work everything out. Next thing the guy knows his glass is being shattered and a pool stick is ramming him in the stomach. He was mad and said that LG did it on purpose, and demanded an apology.  I said where was your apology when you disrespected him? Physical disrespect is no different than verbal and we walked out happy and laughing. Pool boy got into a similar situation I told him to wait until we left the bar. Don't start a fight in here but he didn't listen and we barely got out before the cops came. Nobody helped him in his fight and he was beaten up enough. I tended to his injuries making sure he knew he was wrong the entire time. He was mad " why didn't you help me?" "because what if we would have and then didn't get out before the cops came? All of us would be in jail and who would help you then?" "You should have helped me" " you should have listened" *poors rubbing alcohol on wound* People learn very quickly not to cross me and that I do listen if you have concerns. I do go out of my way to keep them out of trouble in the first place though. Pool Boy for example hates almost everyone, so he is never invited to large functions. Pedro likes to sleep with my friends which is not allowed unless I say. ( it creates drama in the harem which I desperately try to avoid) So normally Pedro is only invited to things with my friends who have boyfriends. Some of my friends aren't out so I sneak them out and they can only be around people who can keep a secret. But no matter what, the end result is the same, we love. I love them, and I would give them my all in less than a heart beat. I wouldn't even have to think. And some of them understand and love me back. I have had two friends in the pass day say that they would give their life for me. I told them I wouldn't want it or ever ask that of them, that I  would rather them live it to the fullness doing what ever brings them the greatest amount of joy, that if they did that instead of sacrificing themselves for me that the gesture would mean more than a lifetime ever could. Moments spent with them I could never regret, and I cherish those pictures, videos,  momentos and memories. If all I do, if all they do, if all we do for the harems are cheapend by how I talk about it and those who are part of it and that makes me an evil dictator then so be it. I will not stop what I am doing because the English language fails me. I would ask those who harshly judge what they see and hear to try to feel what they do. Feel what A Fox named Owl does. Feel how Fo' Grad Student felt before he was part of the kingdom. Ask French Matt how he feels to be part of it. Understand how even though I hadn't seen him in years Stripper still felt loved and that I was there for him. Try to not give in to the overwhelming sense that you feel when Fireman say this has changed his life. Judge me as harshly as you want once you have felt the things they have.

Stay Fierce

J-Skittles

Daily struggles

Its not often that I have the motivation to write, thus daily struggles. It is even less likely that I will have a good idea when the initiative takes me. However, I am experiencing an ample amount of inspiration but lacking in desire to write what so ever. Must..... pen.... ideas..... x|

Daily struggles

Resiting the urge to crawl into my a family members bed once they leave the house for the day. (My older brother's, my older sisters', my little brother's, my mom's, my dad's)

Skit: Black and dangerous

I have so much to write about by just simply existing in this country. I am pretty sure I would not be able to write about it or go out in the world to try to make changes to it if I lived in a different country. So first let me say I am rather happy I am an American because with the exception of like 10 other countries everywhere else is just as fucked or worse off than this one. However, I would be happier if I was a male, and upper middle class or rich. Who wouldn't be happy rich. They only have first world problems. Not to say that I don't have a lot of first world problems ( see daily struggles) but I have a lot of human rights problems too. My life would be happier if I was heterosexual, if I choose between science and religion, and if I didn't suffer from 5 different disabilities. I would be happier if I was gender conforming, less intelligent believe it or not, or just generally mor conforming. However, what would greatly improve my overall happiness and greatly effect my life experiences would be if I was born White. I am black, Bi, Queer, an engineer, Christan, a sister, a brother, a child ( of many parents), poor ( for all intents and purposes), a world traveler ( that's new), a friend ( a good one according to them), a person who has ADD/ADHD, a person who suffer from depression, a person who has 2 different learning disabilities, legally blind, not a republican,  an activist, a lover of animals, a lover of the environment, a car enthusiast, a social alcoholic, and a chocolate conasour. But I put black first today because I am home in they city were being black is almost a crime. Or at least that is the way it feels. When I am away at school I would say Bisexual or Queer first because I feel those identities the most. Mostly because I am super culturally homo. I don't feel culturally black at all. I have black friends but they also don't feel culturally black or understand what it would be like to feel that way. I feel a part of the Queer community I actively participate and seek out the community where ever I go.  I don't do that with almost every other identity I listed but I claim them because I feel they are important parts of me. I wouldn't even claim it if it wasn't an identity you could see. It is never really a big deal or part of who I am to be black except for when I am out in the world. If I am home, work, with friends, or just generally indoors its okay. But outside it is dangerous for me, and I am forced to I am Black. It effects how I walk, how I talk, where I sit on the bus, everything I do I have to be sure not to seem dangerous, or angry. To keep calm and look as peacful as possible. Sometimes I really consider saying " a yes sa, no sa, oh yes happy to sa" but then I remember I am a person who has rights to be treated like everyone else. That I will not be a victim of racial profiling because we have come father than that. Right? My president is half black that counts right? That speaks to how far we have come right? Sadly no. There is a war on gangs, and a war on violence which means their is a genocide of blacks. We are killing each other then the police are shooting us because we are dangerous. My life expectancy is so much lower just because I'm black and live in a black neighborhood. They throw kids graduation parties for graduating kindergarten and 8th grade because they might die before they finish highschool. When we die if we are lucky to make the news the media choose a photo to further their own agenda that black people are dangerous people. Like the photos they use of terrorist to insight fear and make us happy they are dead. But these are fellow Americans, our own country men. Why all the propaganda? Is it a crime to be poor? To have a substandard of living? To be receiving a piss poor public eduction at a school that is grossly under funded? Or is it simply a crime to be black? Based on the color of our skin we scar the people who took an oath to protect and serve us so they killed us instead. I rather not have police in my city. They only solve 25% of murder cases. We aren't going to talk about how many of that 25% is later found innocent. A few more rape cases are solved at 30%. But the numbers in generally for violent crimes are staggering. The response times in black neighborhoods are deplorable. It took them 15mins to respond to an emergency I had once and the police department is about 8 blocks away. When they finally go their I expected to see them on foot instead of in a car. Did I mention there was a patrol car at the Dunkin' Doughnuts 2 blocks away? I know blacks and cops don't get along but frankly history doesn't give us any cause to cooperate. Also the cops don't seem to be getting it together anytime soon. They keep shoot us, abusing us, and getting away with it. We keep lying, not telling what we see, and not caring enough to try to report stuff and get things changed in our neighborhood. Its a complex problem and its going to take a complex solution and completely different way of life for black people. But until then if they gunned me down would they use a photo that represents all the good I had to offer the world or one that makes me look dangerous?

stay alive

J-Skittle

Daily struggles

7440 days since I first arrived on this planet and I still haven't found my soulmate, or figured out how to get over someone. Or better yet make that special someone fall in love with me. I've been slaking.

Daily struggles

Today's struggle is brought to you by my cousin:
Seasonal attractiveness

Skit: what ever the hell Kwanzaa is suppose to be about

THIS POST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH KWANZAA. But I feel like market days is kind of like that. People know of it and know that it is a celebration but have no idea what the historical meaning of the party is. Not even I know. I could do some quick googling but a lass I am very lazy. I will find out later and do a post about that. However Market days 2014 was awesome. I spent it with people I hadn't seen in forever, who still after 2-4 years still love me like no time has passed. I was with Jen, Wow Boa, The Stripper, The Fire department, and The Artist. There is nothing like it. We don't need anything to have fun as long as we have each other. We create our own music, drop our own bass, live in constant turn up mode. Its hard not to be happy when we are together. Even my shy friends find themselves letting loose. Its a simple joy that creates a feeling and has effects that are far from simple. Together we seem to validate each other we see each other for who we are and accept that unconditionally. We are all so different but seem to want, need the same things and its the differences that make us more the same. There is an understanding that in the group we look out for each other and care for one another whether we have know you for years or just met you today. We trust and love.  Not all of my friends get that and are too uncomfortable to let go just for a second. Afraid that the second they let their guard down they will be hurt or something. But the ones that do, the ones that aren't so jaded by life, experience the high, and there is nothing like it. It's been 24 hours since I've been with my friends and I am fighting back the happy tears. The swell of positive emotion even after its over is overwhelming. Its so simple but has a drastic impact on my life and the ones around me. I have been wondering if I've been depressed since highschool, why didn't I know sooner? Why did it take until I left for college for the symptoms to show? Why wasn't it so bad in highschool when it all started? Simple I've been self medicating every weekend for hours at a time by being with my friends and creating an atmosphere such as this one. I haven't felt like this since right before I left for school. The people in my life so greatly impacted my life, I live for my friends and they keep me alive. I don't know what Market Days is about, why we all converge for two days to drink, dance, and mingle. But I do know that it creates space for people like me to meet the most important people in my life. Market days makes room for, love, trust, and happiness. Its a place one can let go and just be. That's reason enough to celebrate for me. I can't put in words the feelings I feel. I wish only to ask you to listen to this song and think of a time when you were with your friends it all felt right. I couldn't give them the shout out I wanted on Facebook so I am going to do it here. When I am with : Danza, Jerbear, Cusin, KitKat, husband number seven, husband number one, Wow Boa, A fox named owl, Cat, Lafablous, white boy, Boss, The stripper, Dini (most of the time), Fireman, The Artist, Lifeguard, LL, ZuZu, Potato Pancake, Kevi, Amoriatii, Gayleb, Griffendor (if we ever stop fighting), Havi, Q, Cooki, little seal, Besty, President Ray, my sisters, my brothers, the model, or Matthew there is no place I'd rather be.

Daily struggles

DILFs. No, that strange bulge in their pants is not a boner its a bottle for their infant child. Pervert!

Daily struggles

When your dad PMS' harder than you do. >.< (kill me now)

Updates

I just noticed I have not told you all what I have been doing with my life and why I write major post so infrequently. Well I am still working on KU, which is my major activism project at the moment. I am also reconnecting with my Chicago activist to help in any way I can and possibly join their projects. I am still working two jobs (life guarding, teaching swimming and learning how to be a water fitness instructor), at two different facilities doing the same thing at both. One of them is hell the other is heaven and I have dungeon in the basement. Spending time with old friends and really cementing bonds with new friends. Chasing after love instead of letting love come to me, same old same old. Oh yeah and I am traveling every month to a new country; June was Mexico, July was France, and August is China. I am trying to do stuff, because depression is a BITCH and I mean that in the least empowering most degrading way you describe something shitful. All I want to do is Netflix and sleep and again sometimes I don't even want to Netflix. So doing things instead, sometimes. I am trying to see my friends more this month because I finally miss them enough to leave the house, that means those are some serious feels. I am also slightly mor active and eating less due to a number of reason we aren't talking about. None of which have to do with an eating disorder so calm down. I haven't lost weight, simply because I have been building a little mussel about the same rate as I burn a lot of fat, or at least that is the story I am sticking with. I still have some work to do to make it ideal ( like maybe remove a rib or two) but I am fairly comfortable with my body right now. I have been getting cat called like nobodies business. Some of it, the tamer stuff, isn't necessarily discouraged. Such is my life. Main reason I don't blog, what I would write because of my fowl mood would be despicable. One day I will return to write thought provoking things with music and pictures once again but until then we will struggle daily with simple stuff and write short thoughtful post every once and a while.

Stay firece

J-Skittles

Daily struggles

Body dysphoria because what are boobs even? Why do I have them. And this insatiable need for chocolate.