daily struggles

Hindsight is 20/20 except for when you're wearing rose colored glasses. 

daily struggles

It's for everybody favorite game, Is Altair Okay?

NO! I'm not okay.

I'm freaking out at work and I'm the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm hiding in the bathroom. Having a bad day. 

Skittles: 2021 updates

I am friends with Lovely again. I still love her. It's weird.

I am talking to, platonically, Amoriartii. That is also weird.

I never told y'all what queer org I work for. I'm not going to.

My brother moved to Seattle.

Husband number 7 moved to Germany.

I still love Eta Carina. Probably will for a while.

I start school again in January.

I turned 27 this year. I'm going to Italy next year for my birthday to make up for spending this one in quarantine.

I've been nonbinary for a while now can't remember if I posted about that. 

Skittles: depression 10/23/21

I hate myself all the time. Even when I am telling myself I'm the shit. I hate how I look right now and how I feel in my body. I hate myself partly because I'm sick. I hate myself mostly because I feel like a failure. I have an idea of who I want to be and I just can't seem to give it up or get there. I don't want to be me I want to be this idea of me I have in my head. This me I believe will make me happy though I have no evidence of that. I have heard that it will probably be awful. But I can't give up the idea. I don't know if it's because I told everyone that's what I want to do and I'm sticking with it due to pride. Or if it's because I'm very stubborn.

I'm not doing terribly. But I'm don't think I'm doing great either. I've only lived alone when I was in college. Other than that I live with my parents. Which I find embarrassing. But I can't get myself to move out either. I don't think I can live on my own and I hate other people so I can't have a roommate. I don't have a car. I'm so close to thirty but it feels like I'm twenty two. I don't want to be this way at thirty. But I also don't think I can get it together by then. 

I can feel myself getting bad again and that worries me. I've gained so much weight. I think if I have an episode right now I'll lose the little stability I have in life. That and I'll never lose the weight. I don't know if I can go though another dark phase. I don't think I'm strong enough.

Its not fair that making it this far, fighting this monster of a disease, doesn't count for anything. It's not something one can be traditionally proud of. Like graduating college. Or getting a good job. But everyday I've actively chosen to stay alive. Even when it was hard and I didn't want to. I get no credit for that. That suffering I've been doing does nothing to offset the little progress I've made towards being an adult. Having depression makes me undesirable in so many different facets of life. It makes me an unfit romantic partner. An unwanted employee. A shitty student. A bad friend. A terrible family member. I'm just sick and I am trying so hard to get better. But it's hard and it's not easy. I want to give up every day.

Not getting better makes me feel like a failure. Not meeting my developmental goals makes me feel like a failure. Not having my degree makes me feel like a failure not being this ideal version of me makes me feel like a failure. But I know that I'm just in the dark place right now. My brain is literally just feeding me lies. My brain is sick and if it wasn't I wouldn't feel this way or want to do these things. It's all the disease and none of this is true. It's like being trapped in virtual reality. You know it's not real but you can't escape, and if you die here you die in real life too. But it still sucks. 

daily struggles

Having a chronic mental illness. Accepting myself for where I am instead of where I want to be. 

daily struggles

Dating. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I focus on breathing and grounding myself

This is what I am practicing when I'm experiencing high anxiety. I'm doing breathing with some grounding tapping. Practice makes perfect. 

Skittles: old post P.S grown up

Can I speak frankly? I know we tend to ease into topics that have been burning in our minds for months. Slow and steady has been the tride and true method. For me, I was always scarred of scarring you away. Saying things you weren't ready to hear. We started being slightly more direct. We would say 1 concise direct thing to each other. The receiver might be a tad bitter but would tolerate it without lashing out or responding with a hurtful quip. We have known each other for 5 years in October. I believe we can stand each other's honesty, without responding rashly. I do not believe in the slightest that this will be fun or comfortable. In 5 years we've built quite a history that needs context and discussion. No matter how much I adore you, we don't exactly balance each other out. We're a powerful force because we are so similar. We drive each other, bring the best out of one another. Being so similar means we can be quite volatile together, if we don't do something to neutralize the part of the reaction every once in a while we will explod. It will be metaphorically violent and quite emotionally painful. I don't want that. I want you in my life, in some positive form, for the rest of my life. I'm not going to be so presumptuous to tell you what you need, but I will give you my unsolicited opinion. I think if we work long term its going to be with a lot of hard pills to swallow, truths we didn't want to hear, things that are going to be hard to say, a bit more trust than I think we're use to, a great deal of restraint, remembering that we aren't trying to hurt each other, that we care deeply for one another, lots of deep breaths, thinking before we speak, removing one's self from the heat of the moment when need be, not saying things out of hurt/pain/anger, just because we're close does not mean the other person is telepathic, and, remembering that the other is a human who sometimes does the emotional thing instead of the "right" thing. I could start from first time I felt slighted all the way back to 2014. I think its best to deal with the past as it comes up and effects the present or later all at once. Which ever you prefer is fine with me. But 2014 is not what I want to get to this very second.

With all of that expository out of the way, I feel like I lost you in 2017. I don't know if I'm Woody from Toy Story realizing Andy grew up. Maybe your every other adult in the little prince and I'm the crazy old man. I hope I'm not Antifa and your the Conservative DNC (the ones that felt so threatened by Bernie they committed sabotage). Conversely I could be the protagonists in every coming of age story that has to mature into the hero and you could be my mentor who has sacrificed everything to no avail. I don't know. The story isn't that close to being over yet. From where I sit, high and mighty, I feel like you've forgotten who you are. Being white passing in predominantly white spaces I feel like has changed you. I feel like you forgot just because you pass doesn't mean you can't go to POC things. Or go to events where there will be more POC people. I know I lose touch with my identities if I don't spend time in community.  I'm not up on the latest in MechE or general scientific community things becuase I don't have a comminty at the moment. I have no idea and thus don't really care what the struggles are.  Its not an identity I have to engage in. Similarly to your passing, not being poor, usually perceived as male, job security, health care, political influences, social influence, and fame there are struggles that don't concern you. I'm going to give you my take on something you said, I know exactly what you said and I know it was not specifically directed at me, but please indulge me in my theatrics. The flare provides a clearer point. With you being the one speaking: Where you want to end capitalism becuase you see it as corrupt, broken, and/or evil I have found away to work inside it and use it for my own means, I don't really see the point in doing away with it. End quote  I get that. You are so close to being a poster child for hard work and perseverance equals The American Dream. Unfortunately you're Queer. They will never let you be one of them. Its frivolous to try. I am a MechE and I also have a degree in Nano Tech. I am not without faults. With that ingenuity I used it for war. My developments will be used to oppress other POCs. My inventions will feed the military capitalist industrial complex. I am profiting from death, misallocated resources, opression, war, helping the powerful steal resources with force, colonization, and many other things I typically oppose. Why did I willingly choose this? Why do I stay? The money is excellent, I have ridiculous amount of resources for research, job security, and I get to blow things up. Yes, I realise those "things" will go from inanimate objects in field test to humans. How can I sleep? Very well on my nice bed knowing I'm not the one my inventions are being used on. The difference is just becuase I'm a sell out doesn't mean I don't want it to end. I hate the military complex. I will help take it down. I will help end capitalism even through its benefiting me. I would help end all those systems even through I know ending them is to my personal, selfish, and immediate detriment. I have the forethought that it will benefit me later. When did you loose your vision and selflessness?

You lost hope in love. For all the time you spent building walls did you not learn I'm a great climber?

Skittles: Just day and night

I find myself missing her everyday. That feels like an understatement and an overstatement at the same time. I don't miss her every day. Just when I'm bored, want someone to talk to, I'm doing something that was part of my old routine (the one that revolved around talking to her), I can't sleep, I want dumplings, I see something about a cat, I see a happy couple, I see engagement ring ads which Facebook won't stop showing me, I think about the upcoming holidays, I think about what I'm going to wear for Halloween ( we were going to do a couples costume), and when I look up at the sky. Which is why it also feels like an understatement. But it feels like I miss her the appropriate amount. 

The grief comes in waves and makes it's self conformable in my bones. It feels like work getting from under the sadness. Happiness is effort I don't always want to put forth. It is lack of interest in everything I use to love and numbness for the people I know I still care about. I feel dead and empty inside. There's a magnetic hole trying to attract something it will never get back. But it pulls anyway. Finding every mundane and meaningless object along the way. It finds chocolate and old facebook post. It finds plants that I keep killing. It found dice for DnD that I will never get to play. It found school. It found a person who will never have time for me but looked good on paper. I realized I needed a hobby before it found one for me.

I am doing everything I can to get though this. Talking to her doesn't help. Not talking to her doesn't help. Writing helps me understand myself. My friends try to make me feel better. Sleep is all I can do to escape the feelings and my doctors insist that won't help. Traveling is distracting for a bit. Work is helpful. Being busy is all I can do. Those are the days I don't miss her. Then there are days like this where I didn't do much of anything and we'll we're here. Writing trying not to look up at the stars. Not that I could forget a face full constellations anyway. 

random affirmation

Today's random is: I seek a new way of thinking about this situation.

This is something I actively do already. I talk to my friends about different situations I'm in so I can get different perspectives from mine. I want to know other ways of thinking about it so I can one make sure my emotions are inline with what is happening or could be happing. Two figure out how to react. There's often there's often 100 different ways to look at a situation I want to know the most likely ones and operate on those assumptions. Also getting outside perspectives often reveal new information that I didn't see at first so it's very helpful. 

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: I am more than good enough and I get better every day.

Being good enough is enough. I have to remind myself I am enough. I am just the right amount of me for right now and that is enough. Having flaws and past mistakes does not disqualify me from being good enough. I am good enough. That is all. 

Skittles: drunk thoughts about Berlin

I want out last night around 11:30 PM and didn't get back till 4:30 AM. Had quite a few drinks and I thought to myself about Berlin.

God would I have more fun if I was Amoriartii.

This not having a penis thing is really cramping my style.

It's weirdly safe here, I have yet to be accosted.

Or maybe black people are just seen as dangerous??? 

Do we have a bad reputation everywhere? What's up with that????

Berlin is firmly male.

I would also have more fun here with Amoriartii.

Haven't been to one BDSM party????

Ready to go to a queer or lesbian city next.

The conversion from us dollar to Euro is bullshit.

I've lost so much money in conversion fees.

Don't mix liquors. 

I should have gone out the weekend before. 

I'm not standing in line 3 hours to get into the club. 

I wanna go home.