Can I speak frankly? I know we tend to ease into topics that have been burning in our minds for months. Slow and steady has been the tride and true method. For me, I was always scarred of scarring you away. Saying things you weren't ready to hear. We started being slightly more direct. We would say 1 concise direct thing to each other. The receiver might be a tad bitter but would tolerate it without lashing out or responding with a hurtful quip. We have known each other for 5 years in October. I believe we can stand each other's honesty, without responding rashly. I do not believe in the slightest that this will be fun or comfortable. In 5 years we've built quite a history that needs context and discussion. No matter how much I adore you, we don't exactly balance each other out. We're a powerful force because we are so similar. We drive each other, bring the best out of one another. Being so similar means we can be quite volatile together, if we don't do something to neutralize the part of the reaction every once in a while we will explod. It will be metaphorically violent and quite emotionally painful. I don't want that. I want you in my life, in some positive form, for the rest of my life. I'm not going to be so presumptuous to tell you what you need, but I will give you my unsolicited opinion. I think if we work long term its going to be with a lot of hard pills to swallow, truths we didn't want to hear, things that are going to be hard to say, a bit more trust than I think we're use to, a great deal of restraint, remembering that we aren't trying to hurt each other, that we care deeply for one another, lots of deep breaths, thinking before we speak, removing one's self from the heat of the moment when need be, not saying things out of hurt/pain/anger, just because we're close does not mean the other person is telepathic, and, remembering that the other is a human who sometimes does the emotional thing instead of the "right" thing. I could start from first time I felt slighted all the way back to 2014. I think its best to deal with the past as it comes up and effects the present or later all at once. Which ever you prefer is fine with me. But 2014 is not what I want to get to this very second.
With all of that expository out of the way, I feel like I lost you in 2017. I don't know if I'm Woody from Toy Story realizing Andy grew up. Maybe your every other adult in the little prince and I'm the crazy old man. I hope I'm not Antifa and your the Conservative DNC (the ones that felt so threatened by Bernie they committed sabotage). Conversely I could be the protagonists in every coming of age story that has to mature into the hero and you could be my mentor who has sacrificed everything to no avail. I don't know. The story isn't that close to being over yet. From where I sit, high and mighty, I feel like you've forgotten who you are. Being white passing in predominantly white spaces I feel like has changed you. I feel like you forgot just because you pass doesn't mean you can't go to POC things. Or go to events where there will be more POC people. I know I lose touch with my identities if I don't spend time in community. I'm not up on the latest in MechE or general scientific community things becuase I don't have a comminty at the moment. I have no idea and thus don't really care what the struggles are. Its not an identity I have to engage in. Similarly to your passing, not being poor, usually perceived as male, job security, health care, political influences, social influence, and fame there are struggles that don't concern you. I'm going to give you my take on something you said, I know exactly what you said and I know it was not specifically directed at me, but please indulge me in my theatrics. The flare provides a clearer point. With you being the one speaking: Where you want to end capitalism becuase you see it as corrupt, broken, and/or evil I have found away to work inside it and use it for my own means, I don't really see the point in doing away with it. End quote I get that. You are so close to being a poster child for hard work and perseverance equals The American Dream. Unfortunately you're Queer. They will never let you be one of them. Its frivolous to try. I am a MechE and I also have a degree in Nano Tech. I am not without faults. With that ingenuity I used it for war. My developments will be used to oppress other POCs. My inventions will feed the military capitalist industrial complex. I am profiting from death, misallocated resources, opression, war, helping the powerful steal resources with force, colonization, and many other things I typically oppose. Why did I willingly choose this? Why do I stay? The money is excellent, I have ridiculous amount of resources for research, job security, and I get to blow things up. Yes, I realise those "things" will go from inanimate objects in field test to humans. How can I sleep? Very well on my nice bed knowing I'm not the one my inventions are being used on. The difference is just becuase I'm a sell out doesn't mean I don't want it to end. I hate the military complex. I will help take it down. I will help end capitalism even through its benefiting me. I would help end all those systems even through I know ending them is to my personal, selfish, and immediate detriment. I have the forethought that it will benefit me later. When did you loose your vision and selflessness?
You lost hope in love. For all the time you spent building walls did you not learn I'm a great climber?
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