Skittles: depression 10/23/21

I hate myself all the time. Even when I am telling myself I'm the shit. I hate how I look right now and how I feel in my body. I hate myself partly because I'm sick. I hate myself mostly because I feel like a failure. I have an idea of who I want to be and I just can't seem to give it up or get there. I don't want to be me I want to be this idea of me I have in my head. This me I believe will make me happy though I have no evidence of that. I have heard that it will probably be awful. But I can't give up the idea. I don't know if it's because I told everyone that's what I want to do and I'm sticking with it due to pride. Or if it's because I'm very stubborn.

I'm not doing terribly. But I'm don't think I'm doing great either. I've only lived alone when I was in college. Other than that I live with my parents. Which I find embarrassing. But I can't get myself to move out either. I don't think I can live on my own and I hate other people so I can't have a roommate. I don't have a car. I'm so close to thirty but it feels like I'm twenty two. I don't want to be this way at thirty. But I also don't think I can get it together by then. 

I can feel myself getting bad again and that worries me. I've gained so much weight. I think if I have an episode right now I'll lose the little stability I have in life. That and I'll never lose the weight. I don't know if I can go though another dark phase. I don't think I'm strong enough.

Its not fair that making it this far, fighting this monster of a disease, doesn't count for anything. It's not something one can be traditionally proud of. Like graduating college. Or getting a good job. But everyday I've actively chosen to stay alive. Even when it was hard and I didn't want to. I get no credit for that. That suffering I've been doing does nothing to offset the little progress I've made towards being an adult. Having depression makes me undesirable in so many different facets of life. It makes me an unfit romantic partner. An unwanted employee. A shitty student. A bad friend. A terrible family member. I'm just sick and I am trying so hard to get better. But it's hard and it's not easy. I want to give up every day.

Not getting better makes me feel like a failure. Not meeting my developmental goals makes me feel like a failure. Not having my degree makes me feel like a failure not being this ideal version of me makes me feel like a failure. But I know that I'm just in the dark place right now. My brain is literally just feeding me lies. My brain is sick and if it wasn't I wouldn't feel this way or want to do these things. It's all the disease and none of this is true. It's like being trapped in virtual reality. You know it's not real but you can't escape, and if you die here you die in real life too. But it still sucks.