Skittles: really old dream post

I had a dream I got caught by Vendetta looking at her Facebook page and YouTube channel. Of course I've blocked her on Facebook but I can still see her professional page. In my dream her professional page sends me a message and a conversation ensues.

V: I can't believe you have the nerve to visit my page.
Me: I'll stop I'm sorry. Please feel free to block me. I deserve that.
V: Why would you even visit my page?
Me: Because it helps me heal.
V: Helps you heal!? Heal from what? You weren't the one hurt. You are the one who did the hurting.
Me: You're right I'll stop.
V: What could you possibly be healing from? I didn't do anything to you.
Me: My therapist suggested it. It's stupid I should have told her no.
V: No therapist was suggest that a predator watch videos of the people they hurt. You've got to be lying. I'm blocking you now.
Me: I'm not lying. But I'll still stop I'll have my  therapist find something else.
V: No therapist would do that.
Me: I'm supposed to look at pictures or videos to prove you're alive. That's all.
V: Why would your therapist want to prove that I'm alive? So you can kill me? What the hell is going on?
Me: I wouldn't listen to reason. So to bring me back to reality she has to appeal to my crazy first.
V: What are you talking about? Are you using my videos as part of some sick fantasy?
Me: Noo. It's just to prove you alive. I'm not suppose to talk to you or anything. I should go.
V: You're not supposed to talk to me? Really? What lie did you tell your therapist?
Me: I didn't lie. Look, she has me do it to help me through my own stuff.
V: Like what? You're just full of shit.M

Me: She uses them to talk me down. But I feel really guilty and I go kind of hammarabi. An eye for an eye a life for a life.

V: You tried to kill yourself?
Me: Yeah. A lot actually. Dying is just so much easier. I'm sorry you don't need to know any of this. It's not that I'm not supposed to talk to you. It's that I feel even more guilty for telling you. I should go. I'll stop. I'll have my therapist find something else. I'm sorry

V: Wait I don't want you to die. But I still get why you're looking at my page?

Me: Well it's along the lines of an eye for an eye. If you're still alive and I should be too. That's all I guess.

V: So you watch my page just for confirmation that I'm alive?

Me: Yeah. I don't even read the content. I just check the time and date stamp. 

V: I don't know. That's still really wired..

Skittles: Things I'm going to miss about Lovely

I keep thinking about things that I'm going to miss about Lovely. So every time I think of a new one I'm going to add it to this list:

•Hot air balloons

•Discussing the philosophy of cannibalism

•Watching her play overwatch

•recaps of horror movies I am to afraid to watch

•hot takes

•her linguistic idiosyncrasies

•her aesthetic

•Yuri on Ice

•Her mom

•her niblings

•Albuquerque

• the rest of her family

•watching her do her makeup

•her smile

• her reading

•her hair

•Her tattos

•the sound of her voice

•the little thing she does with her hand when she's in executive mode

•the face she makes when she's really satisfied with something

•the sound of her laugh

•how her hair always smells like coconuts

•the way she stands when she smokes

•her acceptance

•her patience

•how clearly she communicated

•her help with fashion

•just sharing space with her

•her sense of humor

•her behind the camera

•listening to her talk about anything she's passionate about

•her kindness

•her empathy

•her musical talent

•listening to her play music

•snuggles

•her strength

•how she always kept me guessing

•her impeccable taste

•how her face lights up when she's really happy

•holding pinkies

•how she gets mad when I buy her stuff but she really appreciates it

•Albuquerque

•the trust

•the closeness

•the comfort

•the safety

•constantly working to be better

Skittles: we're not okay

I hate losing close friends more than I hate losing romantic partners. I hate losing friends when I did nothing wrong. When nothing went wrong but it's still over. 

I swear everything was fine and now it's not and it's not because anything happened. I saw her in June and it was hard but but the end we were okay. We talked about me coming later in the year and we were both happy. Then the next time we checked in it was done. It's just over. I didn't even get to see her before we got to this point. NOTHING!!!!! NOTHING brought us to point. Not a fight. Not one of us being shitty. It's just a product of our current situation. 

So I'm grieving and sad. I loved Lovely. I wanted her nick name to actually be Love Lace and I think she would find it fitting if I had called her that on hear. There are so many things I'm going to miss and so many things I never got around too. I still owe her a camera, a jacket, and a trip to the Philippines. I'll get around to them eventually but it's going to be strange. Never the less I still feel obligated to give her the things I promised. I'm a person of my word and social awkwardness won't keep me from that.

Thinking about saying my final goodbyes are tearing me up inside. I'm hurt, angry, sad, and frustrated. I have no one to direct those feelings at because it's not her fault. I'm also not at fault. There's nothing I can fix and there's no take away. There's no action to be done other than to move on and that's not a conducive pathway for me to funnel my emotions into. I want to be able to do something so I can feel better. So that continuing to live is easier.

Lovely and I aren't friends anymore. She is also leaving KU along with 90% of the board (my decision).  She doesn't have time for me in her life and our relationship only works in person. So if she doesn't have time for me to visit I don't see her. I'm not moving to New York and she's not moving to Chicago over a friendship. We just need to return some personal belongings of ours that the other has and that will be it. I just want to return her stuff but honestly, I don't want anything back. My stuff will smell like her and I am not strong enough to cope with that. So she can keep it all. 

I don't know what to say to her but I know have to say something.  But I can't think of anything. I want to be prepared so I don't just stare at her like I'm staring at my screen, crying and silent. I can't say "I love you", "I love you goodby", or "Goodbye love". It's cruel to tell her I love her and then not be friends with her anymore. Even though it's the truth, telling her would hurt. Because it hurts me to know that she loves me but can't be in my life. I can't say "Goodbye", "Farewell", or "So long". It's to impersonal. It's also true but so cold, unfeeling, and doesn't capture all the emotions of our relationship and the moment. I'm leaning towards a hug and "Be safe". We'll be saying our final goodbyes at a conference and the is pretty standard. But also I want her to be safe. I want her to live a long happy life that's fulfilling and she's loved. Be safe means I care about you and you're wellbeing in the future. So if I can't think of anything profound to say I'll go with that. 

Lovely's break up song is Miserable at Best  by Mayday Parade

Skittles: a different kind of X-men

I recently found out that a lot of bipolar people believe they can see the future and are suicidal. They have these moments of deja vu, hallucinations that then happen in real life, or have vision in a fugue state. I have bipolar depression and when I read about what others people experience there are so many similarities.  What if all of these non neurotypical disorders are just the beginning of an evolutionary mutation of our cognitive abilities? These are the very beginning stages where nothing really works yet. We are currently non functional preliminary prototypes. Bipolar disorder is just our brain trying to piece together a lot of information and make the most statistically possible outcome. Information we didn't even know we consciously noticed. ADHD is just a faster synaptic process. Insomnia is our actual need for less sleep. Dissociation is the ability to shut down no essential parts of the brain and rest at will. Servant syndrome is being born to do one thing. But nothing really works as it hopefully will much later. Kind of like how women evolved to have a menstrual cycle every month. It wasn't always this way. I'm not saying that our current method of breeding is perfect but it's come a long way. Maybe our brain function will too.

Skittles: KU ends in January

I've choosen a song to break up with my board to. Three cheers to five years by mayday parade.