Skit: Straight Aces

At the conference I had lunch with my peeps and we got to the subject of asexuals. Asexual is one of the three things the A stands for in LGBTQIA2S. The other two being Aromantic and Agender. According to my friends "straight" asexuals are disrupting, disturbing, taking up too much space, and ruining queer spaces. My friends went so far as to say that "straight" asexuals shouldn't be allowed in queer spaces. This greatly upset me because being Ace (Asexual) is valid and queer.

The reason we were calling these specific asexuals "straight" is because they are heteroromantic, where it normally means  heterosexual. They are not heterosexual, which we usually call straight, because they are asexual. They also cisgender. Being asexual is the only queer thing about them. Which in my opinion is queer enough.

There is always push back when it seems like there is a non queer in queer spaces. If one doesn't look trans, Non-binary, Agender, Neutrois, Genderqueer, Genderfluid, 2 spirit or not cisgender they might be read as not queer. If one doesn't look gay, lesbians, or queer then a person might be read as not queer.

***  Side Note ***
Now understand that when I say if a person doesn't look like any of these queer identities I'm talking about the stereo typical way to look these identities, which are defined in perpetuated with in the queer community. The identities I didn't list generally don't have a stereotypical look or way to act. Like bisexual, trigender, demisexual, panromantic, ect. Queer communities can greatly vary, so visual definitions of each stereotypical identity can look different in different communities. Also there is the term GNC ( Gender Non Conforming) which is used to talk about presentation. If used as an identity separate of any gender identity, that person is usually technically cisgender. If GNC is used with cisgender identity then of course it's still cisgender. If it is used with any other gender identity than the person is usually trans.
******

There are lots of queer people who don't look queer and don't get shunned from the community because they act and/or sound queer. I.E gay voice, use of lingo (Slay, Werk, Yasssss, ect), hand motions, the way they walk, ect. Everyone else is questioned whether or not we are queer and queer enough to be in the space.

There are ways to be straight in the queer community in ways that are generally accepted. A trans person who is heterosexual. A bisexual person who is partnered with someone opposite of the bisexual person's binary gender. Being heteroromantic and homosexual/bisexual/ pansexual. Being heterosexual and homoromantic/ biromantic/ panromantic. If that's all valid, then being asexual, cisgender, and heteroromantic should be too. All asexuals should be welcomed in general queer spaces and general queer only spaces.

I think part problem is who we think should be allowed in the space based on the idea of experiencing shared oppression. I think it's unfair to create general queer space based on the idea of shared oppression. The queer community's sub groups experiences are wildly different from each other. People in the trans community experience life extremely different from those in the gay community because discrimination based on gender is different than discrimination based on sexual orientation. Both of which a different than discrimination based on degrees of sexual attraction (feelings around and wanting to have sex). I think what should bring us together is wanting to live as our authentic selves freely, to the best of our ability, with the same rights as everyone else, and without the imminent and constant threat of danger/ violence against us. Under that definition and limiting it to queer identities "straight" Ace people would be welcomed in the space.

Another part of the problem is "straight" Asexual folks claiming that their experience in the world is just as difficult as trans people or non - heterosexuals (that also aren't part of the Ace community)."Straight" Aces trying to take up too much space by attempting to center the space them and insisting that they've got it just as bad as everyone else is also wrong. The experience of being trans is a significant and unique in it's experience of intolerance. It would be wrong to compare trans-ness to anything else. Comparing oppressions gets us nowhere. The Oppression Olympics is useless, unconstructive, and a large waste of time. Different groups of folks within larger community experience oppression to different extents, being aware of that is an integral part of community-building. When I see someone trying to make an argument that their inequityit's just as bad, I see someone who wants some empathy and understanding. They're trying to prove that they deserve to be in the community and in the space. Instead of yelling at them, shutting them down, and/or removing them from the space or community we should teach them. We always argue about the burden of teaching outside our community. How people in their own community should learn and teach about others that they're a part of. Well "straight"  Ace folks are part of ours and we need to teach them. If they've never been in community or are constantly excluded then they don't know any better. We need to teach them how not to take up more than their share of space, that everyone's experiences are different and valid, and to not compare intolerances. And we need to do it nicely. People are more receptive to doing it nicely, even through they should be thankful for the knowledge no matter how it's presented.

We can fix the problems that current community has with the "straight"  aces and the "straight"  aces' problem of wanting community, empathy, and understanding. All we need to do is be willing to teach  nicely and learn.

Daily struggles

1. Using the thesaurus synonyms of adorable, appealing, smitten, and wonderful describe Lovely too people

2. Blushing and gushing with love when talking about my 4 days with my friends last week.

3. Spending over an hour taking and editing a photo to get the right cute sad face to convey how much I miss Lovely already.

4. Not having enough pictures. I need to capture more of my friends facial expressions.

Daily struggle

I'm usually excited for my conferences. But right now I'm more excited to see my friend naked. Which just so happens to be happing at the conference. So I guess I'll go.

Daily struggles

It is very unlikely but I might be killed for being non binary if they find out. Also unlikely I might be killed for being bisexual. I could be killed for being perceived a woman as I do have all the working parts typically associated. But most likely I bet if I was murdered it would be for being Black.

Daily Struggles

I would never disregard or right off the deaths or issue plaguing the trans and queer community. However, I along with many of my QPOCs and TPOCs  friends go through a similar process when we here another sibling has been murdered. Was she murdered for being Black, being trans, or a bit of both? When TPOCs are murdered the some people in our community assume it was because they were trans. However, it could and is also very likely that they were murdered for being a person of color. I miss all of my fallen siblings and if they were murdered it really doesn't matter why other than to end the hate.

Daily Struggles

People on my news feed: I think trans and queer rights are going to be the issue that defines the 21st century.

Me: umm is that before or after we (police and government agents) stop killing people of color like it's a sport? Do you know how many indigenous people we (police, armed forces, other government agents) killed since the new millennium? We don't either cuz we don't keep accurate records on the subject.

Them: but gay marriage, bullying LGBTQ children, and trans murders.

Me: so your saying you understand that were not over racism?

Them: I'm saying the death of trans women and the suicides of queer kids is really defining our existence.

Me: do you know what color those trans women who get murdered generally aren't? White, caucasian, pale faced, ect. You don't even want to know how big the Mount Everest sized gap actually is between the murder + suicide of white kids vs. non white kids is within our borders.

Them: but... But...

Me: I know you must be choking back the tears now that you know we don't know how many immigrant kids that were sent to detention campus were killed. Yes we killed them. Straight, gay, trans, disabled, ect.

When the most disparaged group among us gets one step closer to equity then everyone benefits. The most defining issue of my existence is that I can't simply fucking exist. I'm black with proud natural hair, I'm so bisexual you'd think I was the paid spokesperson, I'm non binary (and everyone thinks I'm 14 when I don't dress fem), I have a few disabilities and life should be accessable to all not just most, plus I have chronic mental illness.

When I and other's can live and pursue happiness everyone else will be better if for it.

Skittles: compromising with 2019 GOP

We can fix our immigration system by rebuilding it from scratch. The old immigration system will now oversee guns both personal and professional. Where it refers to immigrant, alien, or illegal person replace that with guns and then reword as necessary to make the sentence make sense. ICE will confiscate guns that are being harbored illegally.

Trump can have his "wall". It will be more of a barrier. It will be a green energy barrier. Said "wall"  will generate green energy that will power counties along the border.

We can regulate the hell out of birth control, by regulating subsidies that are given to provide free birth control to poor communities. Also the FDA can now oversee over-the-counter versions of the pill for men and women.

We can keep our military spending budget for now. We will use our military and their specialized training to repair a crumbling infrastructure. On the money we saved from not running operations overseas fortifying and properly fund the VA.

We will get rid of some food stamps and government dependence by raising the minimum wage to a livable wage, providing full time jobs plus training for all those able, and funding the creation of public transportation.

We can regulate abortion by creating a mandatory minimum sexual education curriculum based on safe sex practices, use of birth control, access to birth control for the poor, getting tested for STDs, and inclusion of diversity of sexual orientation as natural/healthy. Limiting abortion to rape or health concerns 10 years after mandatory sex Ed implementations. The curriculum is mandatory even in religious schools and home schooling.

They can help the coal miners by phasing out there jobs at the same rate required by industry but that maintain safe operation all the way until coal is no longer economically relevant. The coal miners will be retrained in the fastest growing industry that will maintain its growth pattern for at least 5 years. Then they can go do that new job.

We can avoid universal health care by regulating the prescription medicine companies, doctors, hospitals and other direct healthcare service provider. Make the most common prescriptions less than $25 for a three months supply. Necessary vaccines less $5 a shot. General doctor's visit $25. No ER visit should cost more than $100 no matter what test they run. If you are there for less than 24. Set legal maximum prices for medical test. An ambulance sould not cost more than $50.

Skittles: what they don't know

Often my friends point it that they don't know me as well as they thought they did. I have friends I'm very close with that I've known for more than 5yrs come to me shocked because they just realized they know nothing about me. I lead this kind of life on purpose and at this point it's my lifestyle. I'm very open about some things and talk all the time. People quickly get a feeling that they know, understand, and can trust me. But there's is so much they don't know. One of my closest friends Lovely for instance knows so much and still so little. I have very few secrets from her but there is still so much that I would tell her that she is unaware of. When we share a bed we normally cuddle. However, when we don't cuddle I wait for her to go to sleep first. In the meantime I lay and think. I worry if she toss and turn a lot, it means something's wrong in her life. Once she's in R.E.M sleep, her breathing sounds different when she's actually asleep, I get to work. I make a small blanket wall between us and make sure she has enough space. I get comfortable and listen to her breathing. Then I match my breathing to hers and I'm fast asleep in 5 minutes or less. She doesn't know this. Mostly because it's weird and she had never caught me watching her sleep. I don't mean to watch her but she's so freaking adorable when she's sleep. Just a real heaven on earth angel. But what she doesn't know makes it friendship work.

Skittles: the sky is Green!

I now know from personal experience what it feels like to be crazy. Crazy also known as insane, delirious mad and/or deranged. I mean crazy in the mental health medical sense. Mental health professionals don't call it crazy but colloquially. I find the challenge when experiencing that state of mine wasn't knowing I was crazy. It was difficult to get people around me understand that I was suffering from deranged thoughts. The struggle to be believed by my doctors, my family, my friends is constant and ongoing.

Ever since I was a child no one really believed anything was going on with me mentally. I got diagnosed with a few learning disabilities and ADHD before third grade. Normally children get taken to see if they have a disability because they're not performing adequately. That was not the case. Early on I learned to cope with my disabilities that have really long names. I wasn't underachieving. I wasn't achieving at the bare minimum. I wasn't even achieving at an average level. I was overachieving. My mother noticed I was doing things differently than the other children. The teachers explained that I was better and that is why I was doing things differently. My mom didn't listen. The doctors did not want to write a referral because to them nothing was wrong. However, my mother got the referral. Then the psychiatrist didn't want to test me because my standardized test scores didn't show anything wrong. My test scores showed that I was already doing way better than everybody else. My mother insisted that I was doing something different. That I was different, that I learned differently. They tested me and found out that I did have a few disabilities. The school didn't want to give me my disability benefits because I was already outpacing all of my classmates. Only one person, my mother, noticed that there was something wrong. Even with proof nobody believed that there was something different about me. This theme continues throughout my life.

When I went to the doctor, before I got diagnosed with depression, because I thought something was wrong, nobody believed me. I told them something was wrong and they checked and couldn't find anything. I insisted something was wrong and they did every medical test in the book and came up with nothing. They told me I was fine. I knew I wasn't fine. I kept asking and coming back every week, sometimes twice a week for a month. At the end of the month my general practitioner told me it could be depression but she doubts it. I would have to go see a psychiatrist to make sure. Begrudgingly she wrote me a referral. I took that referral to three different psychologists, finally the third one said you can see a therapist here if you really think something is wrong. I saw the therapist once a week for two months. At the end of the two months she looked at me and said you are depressed. You don't look depressed or sound depressed but your symptoms all point to it. I asked her after two months of seeing her once a week how could she have a diagnosis but not believe in the diagnosis. She said I talk to her every week, was on time, well-groomed, emotionally typical, and altogether pleasant. Even though I have the symptoms it just seems highly unlikely but I should get it treated and if I get better then that's what it is.

I took my diagnosis to the school doctor when I went back to school and they refused to treat me. I had to get my general practitioner, my psychiatrist from home, and my therapist all to verify I had depression. They must not have sounded convincing because after that I still I had to do a psychological evaluation that took up half the day. After that the psychologist said well according to your doctor's back home and our evaluation you are depressed, but I've seen you three times now and I just don't believe it. He started treating me I didn't get better. I got worse and that was my last year at the University.

I came home I went to a new doctor and therapist. Took three months for them to believe me. Took about a year to get the right medications to work. Took a year-and-a-half for them to realize that it wasn't just depression. That it was seasonal affectiveness disorder, insomnia, and anxiety. When everything is finally getting better it got worse again. I knew it was because I quickly build up tolerances to medications. I don't know why, I don't know how, just know I do. Again my mental health team didn't believe me. Neither did my current general practitioner. My pediatric general practitioner worked at the same practice though. I was able to get my pediatric doctor to talk to my current doctor and confirm since you had known me for 18 years. They started rotating my medications and a little I got better.

After two years of being home my family I wondered what was wrong with me. I told them that I came back because I was sick. In two years didn't see me get me worse. I guess they thought I was better. When I told my parents what was wrong they didn't believe me. I didn't have any fight left in me at the moment to convince them. I told them that they could talk to my medical team on their own time. My doctors were able to convince my mother. My dad doesn't quite understand but he's trying.

That brings me to today. I went to my psychiatrist because something was wrong. I talked to her and told her everything that had been going on. To which she responded this is a-typical for you. However, it's not uncharacteristic of diagnosis which you have. I sat there for a minute or two. Then finally I said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I came in here try to convince you I am losing touch with reality. I don't know how one is to logically argue that they are delusional. It is also not lost on me that typical delusional person is illogical. But I did what any insane person would do, that is do something illogical. My entire life no one has believed my mental status. I've had to fight tooth and nail to get people to believe me. But I came in here expecting that if I told you something is very wrong you would believe me. All I'm saying is I said the sky is green and you said no, that color is blue and we can both be right. Maybe this is typical of my diagnosis, but this is a-typical of me including my diagnosis. She believed me.

I don't know how to explain what it is like being delusional. I don't know how to explain the feeling everything is slightly off. Most of my brain was going about the day like its business as usual. But it wasn't a normal day and everything was off. My brain couldn't do what it normally did every day, even with all of my previous diagnosis. It's disconcerting to say the least to think everything is fine but know it's not. It was just a nagging part of me saying everything is wrong. Little voice in my head screaming at the top of its lungs say the sky is green! The sky shouldn't be green! Then to have your brain and everyone around you tell you, no silly the sky is blue that color is blue. Then you feel crazy because for a second you thought you were crazy and everyone is telling you you're fine. You're okay the next second. But then you feel crazy again because you know something is wrong and nobody else can see it, nobody else knows, nobody else believes. Which is exactly what it's like to have a delusion (the irony is also not lost on me be delusional about having delusions). It is so weird to know you're delusional and nobody else can tell. It is even weirder knowing you're delusional and having to convince other people you're delusional. That moment when I was sitting in the doctor's office wondering how I was going to get her to believe me the strangest moment of the day. Because the little voice could have just decided it was going to sit there and metaphorically watch the world burn around me. I like to think of it as the little voice is trapped in a car and a lunatic at the wheel. The little voice had to decide it was going to go along for the ride or if it was going to try to get into the driver's seat.

Daily struggles

The loneliness is in love with me.

Skittles: the real difference between ♀️ and ♂️

Back story: My younger brother was in the hospital for acute liver failure. He was in the ICU for a little less than a week. Leading up to his stay and during that time I have been having small heart attacks. I told my brother if I die he can have my liver, but he has to tell the story about how he's only alive because of me (there is more to that story) and include the new chapter were my last act in this world was to give him my liver so he could live. He said if he died but I lived I could have his heart and we would be even. If I got his heart I had to stop telling the story of the only reason he was alive was because of me. I said if I don't die he could still have part off my liver and I'll tell the story myself.

We are both out of the hospital now. I came home and asked him when he was leaving for school.
Him: "Couldn't kill me so you're going to send me back to school?"

Me: "I didn't want you dead. I tried very hard to keep you alive."

Him: " Well I'm an organ donor now so just in case I got your back."

Me: " I've been an organ donor since I got my first license. But that's good to know. If you did die, I was going to get a sex change, take all your male reproductive organs, and put your dick to good use."

Him: " What? They don't do penis transplants."

Me: " Oh yes they do. They did 1 at John Hopkins in 2018 in April. I think your dick would look better on me. I know your penis would get way more use if it was attached to me."

Him: " How? It wouldn't work."

Me: " Yes it would. I'm not only taking the external I'm taking your, prostate, blood vessels, nerves, testicles, ligaments, muscles, cartilage, glands, veins, everything needed to make it work and then some. I'm also taking some bone marrow to reduce the chance of rejection."

Him: "No you can't have my penis."

Me: " Why? We're siblings, that greatly reduces the chance of rejection."

Him: " No, you can't have it. "

Me: " That's a shame, someone else is going to get your penis. The skin color won't match as well and there is going to be a high risk of rejection. Which means your penis might go to waste and end up in the trash. "

Him: " No, no one can have my physical penis or testicles organs. I'm changing my donor information. All my other organs can be donated and all my other parts can be used for science. I want to look like the boxer briefs under wear mannequins when I'm buried. You know the just pelvic region. I want just that in my casket. "

Me: "Okay. I'm going to dedicate a song to you at your funeral."

Him: "What song? "

Me: ..... 😁 " It's my dick in a box! "

Him:  " See now your uninvited."

Me: " Fine but I'm paying for your funeral. I'm going to have the undertaker to put your penis and only your penis in a fitting tuxedo jacket and have an open casket."

Him: " Now you have to die first. I don't care if you're healthy. If I die they have to bring me back and keep me alive using machines until you can be located and murdered."

At some point and time anyone born with only the entire uterus system has looked down and said something along the lines of "Hey, look. I didn't ask for you. I know you didn't ask for me. If you don't want to be here we can fix that. Find you someone else who will deal with your shit. If you want to leave let me know!"
I haven't met anyone born with only an uterus and collective parts that hasn't seriously consider getting rid of the entire uterus reproductive system. People who are born with uteruses are not so attached to those body parts and would probably donate them in death giving the chance.
But most people born with the average phallic gentile and system are very attached to their nether regions. This is probably why very few vascularized composite allotransplantation surgeries are done.