At the conference I had lunch with my peeps and we got to the subject of asexuals. Asexual is one of the three things the A stands for in LGBTQIA2S. The other two being Aromantic and Agender. According to my friends "straight" asexuals are disrupting, disturbing, taking up too much space, and ruining queer spaces. My friends went so far as to say that "straight" asexuals shouldn't be allowed in queer spaces. This greatly upset me because being Ace (Asexual) is valid and queer.
The reason we were calling these specific asexuals "straight" is because they are heteroromantic, where it normally means heterosexual. They are not heterosexual, which we usually call straight, because they are asexual. They also cisgender. Being asexual is the only queer thing about them. Which in my opinion is queer enough.
There is always push back when it seems like there is a non queer in queer spaces. If one doesn't look trans, Non-binary, Agender, Neutrois, Genderqueer, Genderfluid, 2 spirit or not cisgender they might be read as not queer. If one doesn't look gay, lesbians, or queer then a person might be read as not queer.
*** Side Note ***
Now understand that when I say if a person doesn't look like any of these queer identities I'm talking about the stereo typical way to look these identities, which are defined in perpetuated with in the queer community. The identities I didn't list generally don't have a stereotypical look or way to act. Like bisexual, trigender, demisexual, panromantic, ect. Queer communities can greatly vary, so visual definitions of each stereotypical identity can look different in different communities. Also there is the term GNC ( Gender Non Conforming) which is used to talk about presentation. If used as an identity separate of any gender identity, that person is usually technically cisgender. If GNC is used with cisgender identity then of course it's still cisgender. If it is used with any other gender identity than the person is usually trans.
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There are lots of queer people who don't look queer and don't get shunned from the community because they act and/or sound queer. I.E gay voice, use of lingo (Slay, Werk, Yasssss, ect), hand motions, the way they walk, ect. Everyone else is questioned whether or not we are queer and queer enough to be in the space.
There are ways to be straight in the queer community in ways that are generally accepted. A trans person who is heterosexual. A bisexual person who is partnered with someone opposite of the bisexual person's binary gender. Being heteroromantic and homosexual/bisexual/ pansexual. Being heterosexual and homoromantic/ biromantic/ panromantic. If that's all valid, then being asexual, cisgender, and heteroromantic should be too. All asexuals should be welcomed in general queer spaces and general queer only spaces.
I think part problem is who we think should be allowed in the space based on the idea of experiencing shared oppression. I think it's unfair to create general queer space based on the idea of shared oppression. The queer community's sub groups experiences are wildly different from each other. People in the trans community experience life extremely different from those in the gay community because discrimination based on gender is different than discrimination based on sexual orientation. Both of which a different than discrimination based on degrees of sexual attraction (feelings around and wanting to have sex). I think what should bring us together is wanting to live as our authentic selves freely, to the best of our ability, with the same rights as everyone else, and without the imminent and constant threat of danger/ violence against us. Under that definition and limiting it to queer identities "straight" Ace people would be welcomed in the space.
Another part of the problem is "straight" Asexual folks claiming that their experience in the world is just as difficult as trans people or non - heterosexuals (that also aren't part of the Ace community)."Straight" Aces trying to take up too much space by attempting to center the space them and insisting that they've got it just as bad as everyone else is also wrong. The experience of being trans is a significant and unique in it's experience of intolerance. It would be wrong to compare trans-ness to anything else. Comparing oppressions gets us nowhere. The Oppression Olympics is useless, unconstructive, and a large waste of time. Different groups of folks within larger community experience oppression to different extents, being aware of that is an integral part of community-building. When I see someone trying to make an argument that their inequityit's just as bad, I see someone who wants some empathy and understanding. They're trying to prove that they deserve to be in the community and in the space. Instead of yelling at them, shutting them down, and/or removing them from the space or community we should teach them. We always argue about the burden of teaching outside our community. How people in their own community should learn and teach about others that they're a part of. Well "straight" Ace folks are part of ours and we need to teach them. If they've never been in community or are constantly excluded then they don't know any better. We need to teach them how not to take up more than their share of space, that everyone's experiences are different and valid, and to not compare intolerances. And we need to do it nicely. People are more receptive to doing it nicely, even through they should be thankful for the knowledge no matter how it's presented.
We can fix the problems that current community has with the "straight" aces and the "straight" aces' problem of wanting community, empathy, and understanding. All we need to do is be willing to teach nicely and learn.
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