Skittles: heart never breaks the same

The first person I remember loving was a boy. When we broke up it felt like I was stabbed in the lower right lung. When Kimmy left me suddenly it felt like I was hit by a bus. That bus knocked the wind out of my lungs and the life from my body. I didn't even feel hitting the ground. When I hurt Gordic it felt like I broke my left leg below the knee. I was to proud to use crutches, a brace, or a wheel chair. I continue to inflict damage on myself everyday until it finally healed wrong months later. Years later having to break it again and do it right was terrifying, but not painful.  The worst Amoriartii has ever hurt me was like getting struck by lightening. Surprising, out of nowhere, and puts you into shock. It took a while for my senses to come back to me. When Vendetta left me it felt like being dropped into the ocean during a storm. I was being dragged down. It was cold. I couldn't breath. I struggled between drowning and swimming. I was always exhausted. I wanted to die. Kimmy and Vendetta break ups are the worst paind I've ever known.

P.S. I love you platonically and I'm going crazy

Content warning: violent graphic imagery, mutilation, depression, and suicidal ideation.

I said I missed you. In itself not a lie. But definitely not the entire truth. I said I missed you. What I meant to say was I miss you and please tell me you're not passive aggressively avoiding me cuz you don't know what to say. I miss you and please tell me you're not pushing me away because I became too clingy. I know that I clung to you like the last strand tieing me reality for a month. And that wasn't fair. Even if I try to make it not so obvious you probably noticed. I wish I could tell you it's not as bad as it looks. But I am trying not to lie to you so when I tell you that I tried not to cling to you what I mean is I tried not to cling to you in a way that you would notice. For every message I sent I could have sent a thousand more. I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to curb and edit my stream-of-consciousness into the characters of just one text message. I tried to only text you on the days that I didn't cry for more than 5 hours. I tried to be as stable as possible and texting you and not scare you. But I also really wanted to be honest with you because I knew you would understand. I knew you wouldn't be scared. I knew I could say that today was a day where I wish to remove my teeth and my tongue so that I could stop talking. I wish you did it so that when people asked me, when my therapist asked me to talk about it I literally could just open my mouth and show them I couldn't. I wish you did so that I can just spend more time crying and not doing the hard work of rebuilding my life. I wish you did because I'm much better at dealing with tangible physical pain that I am with emotions. I knew that you would understand when I said I would be willing victim to your grotesque horror movie you would know exactly what I was talking about. Not the thrillers like "Get Out" where they play mind games with you more of "Jason" and "Chucky". Just chop me up to pieces and get on with it already. I know that you will see the deeper meaning and when I ask you to chop me into pieces or put me through a woodcutter. I want to physically be as broken as I feel. I've always loved a good jigsaw puzzle. I've always been much better at treating my physical wounds then anything I couldn't touch. I think it would be cathartic to put myself back together. If you made me a jigsaw puzzle and I could put myself back together, I'd be a beautiful complete image. There would be closure and the feeling of being incomplete and the pain would be finite. I would take great joy and being a 5000 piece puzzle. Searching for the different parts of me and seeing how they all fit together. I knew I could say these things to you because of your dark fantasies but also being a pacifist. I know you would never hurt somebody unless you had to and even then you might not do it. But I'm not asking you to go against your beliefs. That's not why I send you the text of today I would let you filet most of my skin off. I send it to you because you're a pacifist and you don't like seeing people in pain. You wouldn't do it to cause me pain but to ease my suffering. If I asked you to Shatter Me I know you wouldn't take joy in shattering me. You would take joy and helping a friend, and helping get better. And you might take a little more joy from that if that involves shattering me. I did not mean to overload your senses or make you worried. When you met me I was broken and you just see me fall more part since we've been friends. I am a phoenix my fire dies I turn to ash, but then I'm reborn out of the ashes. I meant to burn out and wither. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that up front. I miss you not because you're the string that ties me to reality. I'm back unfortunately. I miss you because you understand. I miss you because you're strange. I miss you for the reasons you like Dr. Hannibal Lecter. I miss you for all the many ways I will never understand you. I miss trying to understand anyway. I miss acceptance being a two-way street. I'm not saying you don't accept me anymore and I'm not saying I don't accept you. I'm saying I have anxiety and the many ways that your mind is creative and creates beautiful unique seemingly unthinkable things to me. My mind finds a different reason for you to hate me, push me away, or ghost me every second. Sometimes my ADHD joins in on the fun and can't even focus on each idea as they appear it gets distracted and combines things to completely new ideas or takes it somewhere it wasn't even going. Yesterday I decided you didn't want to be friends anymore because I gave you the wrong Christmas gift. Even though I know you love your Christmas gift it's Fenty you love Riri. I had one where you thought your partner here was cheating on you with me which is not a thing because you both are polyamorous. Not to say polyamory can't have cheating. The way that you do it and the way I understand both of your relationships that wouldn't be a thing where I'm concerned anyway. There was also one where you ghosted me because I told you I like the way you snore. I know it's an odd thing to say but I've already said it and you weren't bothered by it and let me come visit multiple times after that. I have not said it since the first time so I know that that could not be a reason. Still I dwelled on it for about 2 weeks. All this is to say I wasn't completely honest when I said I missed you. But in all honesty the truth wouldn't fit in just one text message.

I will never send this to Lovely because I panic. This is very anxiety-provoked and I know that I am currently in a manic state. Neither are the best for communication when you're worried that what you've been communicating is the source of the problem. I will talk things her when I see her next. It has been a hard summer not seeing her at all. I'm very used to structure and the structure has been seeing her at the beginning and end of my summer. Which is not the case this year. She's also going through her own shit and so time apart is probably the best. I don't need to lose more people in my life right now. It is probably best to take a patience route even though it's longer.

Skittles: things my dog can do that I can't.

My heart has the self-control of a man.
Most likely a white cisgender man.
No matter what kind of man my heart is,
he probably suffers from toxic masculinity.
My heart is a man who's the reason behind the dress code for female students in elementary school.
My heart is that young boy who can't learn because he can see a girl's collarbone.
Oooooooo,
and that collarbone gives him all kinds of thoughts.
None of which probably invole consent.
More than a few are power trip fantasies.
Where my male heart,
has to make his female classmate feel powerless.
All so he can feel powerful.
My heart is the male teacher,
who purposely gives some of his female pupils lower grades,
hoping to get them alone.
If only they didn't dress that way.
If only they didn't give him the wrong idea with their misleading actions.
My heart is the scientist is distracted in the lab.
Despite the fact that is female counterpart is in a hazmat suit.
My heart is that blind guy who can't keep his hands off of his nurse.
She just smells so sweet.
Her voice is like an angle.
She's a magnetic force that his hands naturally drawn to.
My heart is Eminem in "Love The Way You Lie".
My heart lit the match and I watched the house burn down,
With the person who dared to tell me no inside.

My heart is so naturally impatient and untamed. I cannot blame it for being made the way it was, I can blame myself for not changing it. I named this post rightfully so because all of my dogs have had incredible self-control. Not begging, never entering the kitchen, never entering my room without permission, not jumping on people, never complaining, being quiet when told, walking next to me without a leash, not running off even when baited distracted or called, unbribable, forgiving, patient, understanding, and unconditionally loving. I've been raised around pitbulls my entire life. My parents brought me home after two weeks in NICU, they also brought home a puppy barely weaned. Bandit and I grew up together he was murder when I was 5. I loved Max for the next 5 years until he was stolen. Someone tranquilized him and stolen right out of our yard. We found the tranquilizer darts that missed him. I love Dimond for the five years after that. She was by far the sweetest until the day she died of the flu. There was a five-year gap after that. Sijambo was the first dog I had at my mother's house. He was stubborn and so entitled. Wanted everything his way. But still extremely well behaved. My brother tormented him though. Rightfully so he growled at my brother and my mother made me give Sijambo up after 2 years. All my dogs could do what my heart doesn't. Be still. Be content. Show restraint.

Daily Struggles

Tell me this isn't why we started all this. Tell me this isn't why we're still here? It will be 5 yrs this October. I can loose everything thing else, and almost anyone one else, but I will shatter if I loose you.

Skittles: Vendetta update

I feel like I've given y'all the wrong impression. I am still very much dying, hurting, struggling, crying, and not sleeping over what happened with V. Its just summer and I'm busy. I work every week day all day, I have meetings on any  break I get, and then I'm travelling every weekend. I didn't really have time to finish healing. I just had to get up and get moving right away. I'll let you all know when the tsunami finally catches up to me. I get bits of it every once and a while. I'll feel like I'm drowning, I'll have a nightmare, or I'll just start crying out of nowhere. My emotions are really erratic. The only stability in my life is the lack there of.

Skittles: 7/3/18

I've been going through it all since I got back home Monday night. I went to visit my platonic romantic partner this past weekend. Let's call him Foxy. We are kind of like the fox and the hound. Okay we are completely platonic friends who cuddle. We also use all of our cutesy romantic energy on each other. We go to dinner, see a romantic movie, talk about the movie over drinks, and then go to sleep. The next day we stay in, watch anime, order food, and snuggle the day away. We're real cute. I had a crush on Foxy earlier in the year when I thought we were suppose to have a sex date. They weren't down so that's how we became friends. Mid April they got weird when I had a crush on somebody else. Then this time they got me a tooth brush and loofah for their place. I have no idea what is going on. I'm tempted to jump on them but I'm not any kind of emotionally stable. I haven't even healed yet. So I got home and I was like is this happening? Do I like Foxy? WTF? I can't, not now, No!

Then today I message Amoriartii because I miss them. Our souls feel like they are intertwined and I feel like they has begun to unravel. I love them. Even when I'm mad at them I love Amoriartii. I understand them. I get upset with Amoriartii but I always understand why they did what they did. I haven't spent time with them since last August. I miss them. I want to be with the person who gets me. I have been explaining myself for 2 months now. I just want to exist without having to try so hard. I can do that with them. I miss that.

I'm all over the place just wanting to be loved I think. I've been cut off from all of my sources of love for a bit and now I'm yearning. I think I just need to be held tight and told that its okay. I need to cry to someone. I need someone to understand. Then I'll be okay.

I know who I need to see now. 💚

I'll be okay I just need to take a very spefic trip.

#SpillingTea Part 2

You all remember last week when I reminded you all that the Queer community isn't this fun care free magical place. It is more like Hogwarts but not british and probably a lot more sex. Now before you all go " but Hogwarts is a fun magical place." you are only remembering part of the story. Remember the snake that was killing people, how many evil professors worked their, the dragons, the main sport there usually puts the athletes in the infirmary, the tree with an attitude that will definitely kill you without a second thought, the stairs that moved just cuz they wanted to mess with the students, the racism, misogyny, pure blood nazi, ect. I could go on for a long time. Yes, there are great parts of Hogwarts but there was/ is some fucked up things going on there. The queer community is exactly like that. A particular general group with in the community that catches hell inside and outside the queer community are any genders that are not strictly male or strictly female (male and female being binary gender).

Okay so let's break this down because this covers so many genders and expressions. We are going to start with the binary with the exception of intersex. You will understand why that isn't binary when we get there. There is cisgender, one's gender identity agrees with the sex they were assigned at birth. If one was born with a penis, balls, and prostate they are assigned male. When they are old enough to start defining who they are ( usually around the age of 3), and they say they are a boy then he is probably cisgender. If they say they are a girl, she is probably trans. Any declaration of gender identity by a 3yr old should always be explored, questioned (in a curious way that invites the child to think and explore), and affirmed. Similarly if a baby is born with a uterus, clitoris, vagina, and fallopian tubes they are assigned female. If they say they are a girl then she is probably cisgender. If they say they are a boy then he is probably trans. If they are born with a combination of genital like a vagnia and a prostate, a penis and a uterus, ect they are intersex. Most babies born this way have "corrective surgery" to only leave them with one kind of genitals penis/balls or vagina/uterus. There are very few cases where the "corrective surgery" is medically necessary, meaning the baby is going to have life threatening, life inhibiting, or long term medical problems if the baby was to stay intersex. Parents either want the surgery due to their own bias, misconceptions, doctor's pressuring them, the doctor's bias, or fear of their child being bullied. Whether or not the baby gets the surgery or not, they grow up they can announce that they are a boy, a girl, intersex, gender fluid (fluctuating between male to female or going male, both/intersex, and female), bigender (male and female, male and intersex, female and intersex) or trigender (male, female, and intersex) and all of that would still be considered cisgender. Anything else would be trans.

Other binary genders include: demiboy, trans male, trans female, demigirl, bigender (male and female), gender fluid (with the spectrum for the fluidity going between male and female), and gender non conforming (with in the binary). Again I have not named all the binary gender identities. I'm sure there are more than I just don't know about. I didn't list two Spirit because I do not know enough about that gender identity to be able to say it is or can be a binary gender.

Now that we have covered the binary genders to the best of my ability, let's talk about all the other possibly non binary gender identities I know about a decent bit of info about. When I say technical I mean how the masses/the internet define the identity. This does not mean everyone who identifies as said item identity defines it that way. I think us queers tend to take words that are close or similar to how we feel and just use that.

Non Binary: pride flag (from top to bottom) Yellow, White, Purple, Black. This is a gender identity and an umbrella for a lot of other gender identities. This also is my current gender identity. I do not feel like a woman/female/girl/lady/Goddess or man/male/boy/gentleman/God. I was raised and socialized to grow into a women. That didn't happen. I don't know what it means to be a man either. I think it's hard to describe the male gender in a way that is free from toxic masculinity. I have yet to figure out what that looks like yet so I don't ascribe to the male gender either. I am making up my gender as I go along. I want to do live in a gender that is not oppressive, steeped in colonization, or European ideal/eurocentric. It's been difficult. There is only one defining rule about being Non Binary, one does not identify as/is not either binary gender. That's it. With in the queer community people don't understand that there isn't just one way to be non binary. People try to be very strict about what is and isn't non binary but like I said there is only 1 rule. Two different people can have 2 different definitions of their non binary identity. Again we are not mass produced in a factory. Outside the community we have a higher chance of facing violence if you don't look male or female, if you are visibly female but trying to look more masculine, or if you are visibly male but trying to look more female. People misgender non binary people all the time. I use they/them pronouns and the title Mx. I get called miss, young lady, she, her, ect all the time. On days when I am really struggling with how female my body is and then get misgendered, I feel so low. There are also your garden variety asswholes who refuse to acknowledge that "they" is a gender neutral singular pronoun. Don't believe that "they" can be a singular gender neutral pronoun? Too bad, I've already done it multiple times in this post and you didn't reject it earlier. Look here is the first two times I used "they" as a singular gender neutral pronoun "There is cisgender, one's gender identity agrees with the sex they were assigned at birth. If one was born with a penis, balls, and a prostate they are assigned male." I am talking about one person in both sentences. No, its not different because in both of those sentences one doesn't know the gender of the person thus making it acceptable. If people can do it for a stranger people can do it for a non binary person. As someone who is defining my gender as I go along I get really upset when people say I don't look Non binary. Again one universal way to be non binary doesn't exist. Thus one universal way to look non binary also doesn't exist. When we can look as close to the way we want to look, we can wear whatever clothing helps us get as close as possible. It is also hard to go to the restroom in public. If there isn't a single occupancy bathroom available non binary people have to choose which one to go to. No, this does not mean we are actually what ever binary bathroom we use. Most non binary people go to the one they feel safest in at that moment. If I look more feminine then I go to the female bathroom. If I look really masculine then I go to the male bathroom. The only time this changes is when I'm in a queer space. Then I go to whichever has the shortest line. Many binary  folks struggle to understand this gender. It is hard to comprehend something that is not male or female but some other gender. We are not raised or socialized to even think there could be something different. It is also difficult to be non binary. For me is really confusing, frustrating, and upsetting. I am jealous of everyone who has an innate sense of their gender and have words/a label to describe it. Non binary people are just trying to live their lives maybe everyone else could try to let them live it.

Agender: pride flag Black, Grey, White, Green, White, Grey, Black. The technical definition for this one is to not have a gender identity. An Agender person does not have a gender identity. Agender is not a gender identity it is a word used to describe a state of being. With in the community there are a lot of questions. What pronouns does an Agender person use, don't pronouns align with gender identities, what's it like not having a gender, how does an agender person shop for clothes, but said Agender person looks so (insert gender here), how does an Agender person pick a hairstyle, ect. Just like the bathrooms for non binary people picking pronouns does not change the fact that an Agender person doesn't have a gender. English is a shitty language and there are many things we do not have words for. Outside the community it seems that no one can grasp the concept of not having a gender, especially if you can see the agender person. I think we are conditioned to gender people on sight. Most of the time people can see a stranger and give them one of the 2 binary genders. That's fine, but what about when a person tells you that don't have a gender identity? Why is that so hard to understand? It is difficult to dress in a way were someone could easily look at a person and say "that person doesn't have a gender." What would they be wearing? A shirt that says I am Agender? Bathrooms can be a struggle for them as well. It all depends on how they are perceived. Let the Aliens (they are humans but if we think of them as beings not from this world we'll stop trying to force our ways on them) live their Agender life.

Neutrois: pride flag White, Green, Black. This one technically means having a neutral gender. I personally have no idea what that means or entails. Unlike agender this is a gender identity. What is neutral? Neutral in relationship to what? Are they many different neutral genders? All of these question I do not have the answer to. I will just continue to repeat myself and say there is more that one way to be Neutrois. I can safely say they also face the same issues that I've already been stated: misconceptions / misunderstandings, pronouns equal gender identity, bathrooms equal gender identity, violence, stop telling then what their identity is/is not, stop telling them how to live their gender identity, and there is no style guide for this gender either. Nevertheless (and despite all the BS) they keep existing.

Bigender: pride flag Dark pink, Rosé Pink, Lavender, White, Lavender, Sky Blue, Blue
Trigender: pride flag Pink, Dark Periwinkle, Green, Dark Periwinkle, Pink
Polygender: pride flag Black, Grey, Pink, Yellow, Light Blue
Pangender: pride flag Yellow, Peach, Pastel Pink, White, Pastel Pink, Peach, Yellow
Remember the nuances between the differences of certain sexualities from the last post this is going to be very similar to that. Very important, sometimes small, nuance are the distinguishing factors between these identities. Bigender can be a a non binary identity as long as one of the two genders is not binary one.  I understand Bigender as having two distinct gender identities at the same time like non binary and intersex. I understand trigender as having three distinct gender identities at the same time. Polygender is more than 3 genders but not all genders at the same time. Pangender is too many genders to count or all of the genders that one knows of at once. Usually everyone's first reaction to everything after bigender, is that sounds made-up. It's real. Even if you can't understand it just accept it and move on.

For people of color, a lot of civilizations had more than two gender options before they were colonized. For some people of color they are able to find records of those genders that are basically lost. Some people of color are able to talk to elders and find out about other gender options their culture has/had. A lot of indigenous ethnicities in what is now the United States had at least three gender options. Some people of color are able to find those genders and that becomes their non-binary identity. I am not going to try to list any because I have done enough research on where particular POC gender identities hail from. Just know they are out the.

Some other notes on gender:
Genderflux: is a gender identity in which the gender intensity varies over time.
Genderfluid: moving between genders or having a fluctuating gender identity.
Don't quote me on this one: Omnipenultigender: a specific type of gender fluid where your gender changes based on who you are attracted to, to match with the gender(s) they are attracted to. ⬅ I do this. I still call myself non binary but I very much change my gender expression based on who I'm dating or attracted to. When I was with Cyclops I was less than than usual but still Fem. I've never really gotten to be Masc in a relationship. With Vendetta I got to actually non-binary and really pay attention to what I was feeling with regards to my gender.

There is a lot going on in the gender universe.  Sometimes a person may not fully understand or understand a specific gender identity at all, but that's okay. What's important is that we are accepting loving trying to understand keeping our freaking judgments to ourselves.

Update: pride series 2018

I still owe you all 2 more entries to my the pride series. I'll work on that soon.